LUCILE: Cleonte! CLEONTE: No.
NICOLE: Covielle!
COVIELLE: I won’t listen.
LUCILE: Stop.
CLEONTE: Gibberish!
NICOLE: Listen to me.
COVIELLE: Rubbish!
LUCILE: One moment.
CLEONTE: Never.
NICOLE: A little patience.
COVIELLE: Not interested!
LUCILE: Two words.
CLEONTE: No, you’ve had them.
NICOLE: One word.
COVIELLE: No more talking.
LUCILE: Alright! Since you don’t want to listen to me, think what you like, and do what you want.
NICOLE: Since you act like that, make whatever you like of it all.
CLEONTE: Let us know the reason, then, for such a fine reception.
LUCILE: It no longer pleases me to say.
COVIELLE: Let us know something of your story.
NICOLE: I ,myself, no longer want to tell you.
CLEONTE: Tell me . . .
LUCILE: No, I don’t want to say anything.
COVIELLE: Tell it . . .
NICOLE: No, I’ll tell nothing.
CLEONTE: For pity . . .
LUCILE: No, I say.
COVIELLE: Have mercy.
NICOLE: It’s no use.
CLEONTE: I beg you.
LUCILE: Leave me . . .
COVIELLE: I plead with you.
NICOLE: Get out of here.
CLEONTE: Lucile!
LUCILE: No.
COVIELLE: Nicole!
NICOLE: Never.
CLEONTE: In the name of God! . . .
LUCILE: I don’t want to.
COVIELLE: Talk to me.
NICOLE: Definitely not.
CLEONTE: Clear up my doubts.
LUCILE: No, I’ll do nothing.
COVIELLE: Relieve my mind!
NICOLE: No, I don’t care to.
CLEONTE: Alright! since you are so little concerned to take me out of my pain and to justify yourself for the shameful treatment you gave to my passion, you are seeing me, ingrate, for the last time, and I am going far from you to die of sorrow and love.
COVIELLE: And I — I will follow in his steps.
LUCILE: Cleonte!
NICOLE: Covielle!
CLEONTE: What?
COVIELLE: Yes?
LUCILE: Where are you going?
CLEONTE: Where I told you.
COVIELLE: We are going to die.
LUCILE: You are going to die, Cleonte?
CLEONTE: Yes, cruel one, since you wish it.
LUCILE: Me! I wish you to die?
CLEONTE: Yes, you wish it.
LUCILE: Who told you that?
CLEONTE: Is it not wishing it when you don’t wish to clear up my suspicions?
LUCILE: Is it my fault? And, if you had wished to listen to me, would I not have told you that the incident you complain of was caused this morning by the presence of an old aunt who insists that the mere approach of a man dishonors a woman — an aunt who constantly delivers sermons to us on this text, and tells us that all men are like devils we must flee?
NICOLE: There’s the key to the entire affair.
CLEONTE: Are you sure you’re not deceiving me, Lucile?
COVIELLE: Aren’t you making this up?
LUCILE: There’s nothing more true.
NICOLE: It’s the absolute truth.
COVIELLE: Are we going to give in to this?
CLEONTE: Ah! Lucile, how with a word from your lips you are able to appease the things in my heart, and how easily one allows himself to be persuaded by the people one loves!
COVIELLE: How easily we are manipulated by these blasted minxes!
ACT THREE
SCENE XI (Madame Jourdain, Cleonte, Lucile, Covielle, Nicole)
MADAME JOURDAIN: I am very glad to see you, Cleonte and you are here at just the right time. My husband is coming, seize the opportunity to ask for Lucile in marriage.
CLEONTE: Ah! Madame, how sweet that word is to me, and how it flatters my desires! Could I receive an order more charming, a favor more precious?
ACT THREE
SCENE XII (Monsieur Jourdain, Madame Jourdain, Cleonte, Lucile, Covielle, Nicole)
CLEONTE: Sir, I did not want to use anyone to make a request of you that I have long considered. It affects me enough for me to take charge of it myself; and, without further ado, I will say to you that the honor of being your son-in-law is a glorious favor that I beg you to grant me.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Before giving you a reply, sir, I beg to ask if you are a gentleman.
CLEONTE: Sir, most people don’t hesitate much over this question. They use the word carelessly. They take the name without scruple, and the usage of today seems to validate the theft. As for me, I confess to you, I have a little more delicate feelings on this matter. I find all imposture undignified for an honest man, and that there is cowardice in disguising what Heaven made us at birth; to present ourselves to the eyes of the world with a stolen title; to wish to give a false impression. I was born of parents who, without doubt, held honorable positions. I have six years of service in the army, and I find myself established well enough to maintain a tolerable rank in the world; but despite all that I certainly have no wish to give myself a name to which others in my place might believe they could pretend, and I will tell you frankly that I am not a gentleman.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Shake hands, Sir! My daughter is not for you.
CLEONTE: What?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You are not a gentleman. You will not have my daughter.
MADAME JOURDAIN: What are you trying to say with your talk of gentleman? Are we ourselves of the line of St. Louis?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Quiet, wife, I see what you are up to.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Aren’t we both descended from good bourgeois families?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: There’s that hateful word!
MADAME JOURDAIN: And wasn’t your father a merchant just like mine?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Plague take the woman! She never fails to do this! If your father was a merchant, so much the worse for him! But, as for mine, those who say that are misinformed. All that I have to say to you is, that I want a gentleman for a son-in-law.
MADAME JOURDAIN: It’s necessary for your daughter to have a husband who is worthy of her, and it’s better for her to have an honest rich man who is well made than an impoverished gentleman who is badly built.
NICOLE: That’s true. We have the son of a gentleman in our village who is the most ill formed and the greatest fool I have ever seen.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Hold your impertinent tongue! You always butt into the conversation. I have enough money for my daughter, I need only honor, and I want to make her a marchioness.
MADAME JOURDAIN: A marchioness?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, marchioness.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Alas! God save me from it!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: It’s a thing I have resolved.
MADAME JOURDAIN: As for me, it’s a thing I’ll never consent to. Marriages above one’s station are always subject to great inconveniences. I have absolutely no wish for a son-in-law who can reproach her parents to my daughter, and I don’t want her to have children who will be ashamed to call me their grandmother. If she arrives to visit me in the equipage of a great lady and if she fails, by mischance, to greet someone of the neighborhood, they wouldn’t fail immediately to say a hundred stupidities. “Do you see,” they would say, “this madam marchioness who gives herself such glorious airs? It’s the daughter of Monsieur Jourdain, who was all too glad, when she was little, to play house with us; she’s not always been so haughty as she now is; and her two grandfathers sold cloth near St. Innocent’s Gate. They amassed wealth for their children, they’re paying dearly perhaps for it now in the other world, and one can scarcely get that rich by being honest.” I certainly don’t want all that gossip, and I want, in a word, a man who will be obliged to me for my daughter and to whom I can say, “Sit down there, my son-in-law, and have dinner with me.”
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Surely those are the sentiments of a little spirit, to want to remain always in a base condition. Don’t talk back to me: my daughter will be a marchioness in spite of everyone. And, if you make me angrier, I’ll make a duchess of her.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Cleonte, don’t lose courage yet. Follow me, my daughter, and tell your father resolutely that, if you can’t have him, you don’t want to marry anyone.
ACT THREE
SCENE XIII (Cleonte, Covielle)
COVIELLE: You’ve made a fine business, with your pretty sentiments.
CLEONTE: What do you want? I have a scruple about that which precedent cannot conquer.
COVIELLE: Don’t you make a fool of yourself by taking it seriously with a man like that? Don’t you see that he is a fool? And would it cost you anything to accommodate yourself to his fantasies?
CLEONTE: You’re right. But I didn’t believe it necessary to prove nobility in order to be Monsieur Jourdain’s son-in-law.
COVIELLE: Ha, ha, ha!
CLEONTE: What are you laughing at?
COVIELLE: At a thought that just occurred to me of how to play our man a trick and help you obtain what you desire.
CLEONTE: How?
COVIELLE: The idea is really funny.
CLEONTE: What is it?
COVIELLE: A short time ago there was a certain masquerade which fits here better than anything, and that I intend to make part of a prank I want to play on our fool. It all seems a little phony; but, with him, one can try anything, there is hardly any reason to be subtle, and he is the man to play his role marvelously and to swallow easily any fabrication we want to tell him. I have the actors, I have the costumes ready, just leave it to me.
CLEONTE: But tell me . . .
COVIELLE: I am going to instruct you in everything. Let’s go, there he is, returning.
ACT THREE
SCENE XIV (Monsieur Jourdain, Lackey) MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What the devil is this? They have nothing other than the great lords to reproach me with, and as for me, I see nothing so fine as to associate with the great lords; there is only honor and civility among them, and I would have given two fingers of a hand to have been born a count or a marquis. LACKEY: Sir, here’s the Count, and he has a lady with him. MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What! My Goodness, I have some orders to give. Tell them I’ll be back here soon.
SCENE XV (Dorimene, Dorante, Lackey)
LACKEY: Monsieur says that he’ll be here very soon.
DORANTE: That’s fine.
DORIMENE: I don’t know, Dorante; I feel strange allowing you to bring me to this house where I know no one.
DORANTE: Then where would you like, Madame, for me to express my love with an entertainment, since you will allow neither your house nor mine for fear of scandal?
DORIMENE: But you don’t mention that every day I am gradually preparing myself to receive too great proofs of your passion? As good a defense as I have put up, you wear down my resistance, and you have a polite persistence which makes me come gently to whatever you like. The frequent visits began, declarations followed, after them came serenades and amusements in their train, and presents followed them. I withstood all that, but you don’t give up at all and step by step you are overcoming my resolve. As for me, I can no longer answer for anything, and I believe that in the end you will bring me to marriage, which I have so far avoided.
DORANTE: My faith! Madame, you should already have come to it. You are a widow, and you answer only to yourself. I am my own master and I love you more than my life. Why shouldn’t you be all my happiness from today onward?
DORIMENE: Goodness! Dorante, for two people to live happily together both of them need particular qualities; and two of the most reasonable persons in the world often have trouble making a union satisfactory to them both.
DORANTE: You’re fooling yourself, Madame, to imagine so many difficulties, and the experience you had with one marriage doesn’t determine anything for others.
DORIMENE: Finally I always come back to this. The expenses that I see you go to for me disturb me for two reasons: one is that they get me more involved than I would like; and the other is that I am sure — meaning no offense — that you cannot do this without financially inconveniencing yourself, and I certainly don’t want that.
DORANTE: Ah! Madame, they are trifles, and it isn’t by that . . .
DORIMENE: I know what I’m talking about; and among other gifts, the diamond you forced me to take is worth …
DORANTE: Oh! Madame, mercy, don’t put any value on a thing that my love finds unworthy of you, and allow … Here’s the master of the house.
ACT THREE
SCENE XVI (Monsieur Jourdain, Dorimene, Dorante, Lackey)
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (After having made two bows, finding himself too near Dorimene) A little farther, Madame.
DORIMENE: What?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: One step, if you please.
DORIMENE: What is it?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Step back a little for the third.
DORANTE: Madame, Monsieur Jourdain is very knowledgeable.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Madame, it is a very great honor to me to be fortunate enough to be so happy as to have the joy that you should have had the goodness to accord me the graciousness of doing me the honor of honoring me with the favor of your presence; and, if I also had the merit to merit a merit such as yours, and if Heaven . . . envious of my luck . . . should have accorded me . . . the advantage of seeing me worthy . . . of the . . .
DORANTE: Monsieur Jourdain, that is enough. Madame doesn’t like grand compliments, and she knows that you are a man of wit. (Aside to Dorimene) As you can see, this good bourgeois is ridiculous enough in all his manners.
DORIMENE: It isn’t difficult to see it.
DORANTE: Madame, he is the best of my friends.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You do me too much honor.
DORANTE: A completely gallant man.
DORIMENE: I have great esteem for him.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I have done nothing yet, Madame, to merit this favor.
DORANTE: (Aside to Monsieur Jourdain) Take care, nonetheless, to say absolutely nothing to her about the diamond that you gave her.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Can’t I even ask her how she likes it?
DORANTE: What? Take care that you don’t. That would be loutish of you; and, to act as a gallant man, you must act as though it were not you who made her this present. (Aloud) Monsieur Jourdain, Madame, says he is delighted to see you in his home.
DORIMENE: He honors me greatly.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: How obliged I am to you, sir, for speaking thus to her for me!
DORANTE: I have had frightful trouble getting her to come here.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I don’t know how to thank you enough.
DORANTE: He says, Madame, that he finds you the most beautiful woman in the world.
DORIMENE: He does me a great favor.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Madame, it is you who does the favors, and . . .
DORANTE: Let’s consider eating.
LACKEY: Everything is ready, sir.
DORANTE: Come then let us sit at the table. And bring on the musicians.
(Six cooks, who have prepared the feast, dance together and make the third interlude; after which, they carry in a table covered with many dishes.)
ACT FOUR
SCENE I (Dorimene, Monsieur Jourdain, Dorante, two Male Musicians, a Female Musician, Lackeys)
DORIMENE: Why, Dorante, that is really a magnificent repast!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You jest, Madame; I wish it were worthy of being offered to you. (All sit at the table).
DORANTE: Monsieur Jourdain is right, Madame, to speak so, and he obliges me by making you so welcome. I agree with him that the repast is not worthy of you. Since it was I who ordered it, and since I do not have the accomplishments of our friends in this matter, you do not have here a very sophisticated meal, and you will find some incongruities in the combinations and some barbarities of taste. If Damis, our friend, had been involved, everything would have been according to the rules; everything would have been elegant and appropriate, and he would not have failed to impress upon you the significance of all the dishes of the repast, and to make you see his expertise when it comes to good food; he would have told you about hearth-baked bread, with its golden brown crust, crunching tenderly between the teeth; of a smooth, full-bodied wine, fortified with a piquancy not too strong, of a loin of mutton improved with parsley, of a cut of specially-raised veal as long as this, white and delicate, and which is like an almond paste between the teeth, of partridges complimented by a surprisingly flavorful sauce, and, for his masterpiece, a soup accompanied by a fat young turkey surrounded by pigeons and crowned with white onions mixed with chicory. But, as for me, I declare my ignorance; and, as Monsieur Jourdain has said so well, I only wish that the repast were more worthy of being offered to you.
DORIMENE: I reply to this compliment only by eating.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Ah! What beautiful hands!
DORIMENE: The hands are mediocre, Monsieur Jourdain; but you wish to speak of the diamond, which is very beautiful.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Me, Madame? God forbid that I should wish to speak of it; that would not be acting gallantly, and the diamond is a very small thing.
DORIMENE: You are very particular.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You are too kind. . .
DORANTE: Let’s have some wine for Monsieur Jourdain and for these gentlemen and ladies who are going to favor us with a drinking song.
DORIMENE: It is marvelous to season good food, by mixing it with music, and I see I am being admirably entertained.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Madame, it isn’t . .
DORANTE: Monsieur Jourdain, let us remain silent for these gentlemen and ladies; what they have for us to hear is of more value than anything we could say. (The male singers and the woman singer take the glasses, sing two drinking songs, and are accompanied by all the instrumental ensemble.)
FIRST DRINKING SONG Drink a little, Phyllis, to start the glass round. Ah! A glass in your hands is charmingly agreeable! You and the wine arm each other, And I redouble my love for you both Let us three — wine, you, and me — Swear, my beauty, to an eternal passion. Your lips are made yet more attractive by wetting with wine! Ah! The one and the other inspire me with desire And both you and it intoxicate me Let us three — wine, you, and me — Swear, my beauty, to an eternal passion.
SECOND DRINKING SONG Let us drink, dear friends, let us drink; Time that flies beckons us to it! Let us profit from life as much as we can. Once we pass under the black shadow, Goodbye to wine, our loves; Let us drink while we can, One cannot drink forever. Let fools speculate On the true happiness of life. Our philosophy Puts it among the wine-pots. Possessions, knowledge and glory Hardly make us forget troubling cares, And it is only with good drink That one can be happy. Come on then, wine for all, pour, boys, pour, Pour, keep on pouring, until they say, “Enough.”
DORIMENE: I don’t believe it’s possible to sing better, and that is positively beautiful.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I see something here, Madame, yet more beautiful.
DORIMENE: Aha! Monsieur Jourdain is more gallant than I thought.
DORANTE: What! Madame, what did you take Monsieur Jourdain for?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I would like for her to take me at my word.
DORIMENE: Again!
DORANTE: You don’t know him.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: She may know me whenever it pleases her.
DORIMENE: Oh! I am overwhelmed.
DORANTE: He is a man who is always ready with a repartee. But don’t you see that Monsieur Jourdain, Madame, eats all the pieces of food you have touched?
DORIMENE: I am captivated by Monsieur Jourdain . . .
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: If I could captivate your heart, I would be . . .
ACT FOUR
SCENE II (Madame Jourdain, Monsieur Jourdain, Dorimene, Dorante, Musicians, Lackeys)
MADAME JOURDAIN: Aha! I find good company here, and I see that I was not expected. Was it for this pretty affair, Monsieur Husband, that you were so eager to send me to dinner at my sister’s? I just saw stage decorations downstairs, and here I see a banquet fit for a wedding. That is how you spend your money, and this is how you entertain the ladies in my absence, and you give them music and entertainment while sending me on my way.
DORANTE: What are you saying, Madame Jourdain? And what fantasies are you getting into your head that your husband spends his money, and that it is he who is giving this entertainment to Madame? Please know that it is I; that he only lends me his house, and that you ought to think more about the things you say.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, what impertinence. It is the Count who presents all this to Madame, who is a person of quality. He does me the honor of using my house and of wishing me to be with him.
MADAME JOURDAIN: All that’s nonsense. I know what I know.
DORANTE: Come Madame Jourdain, put on better glasses.
MADAME JOURDAIN: I don’t need glasses, sir, I see well enough; I have had suspicions for a long time, and I’m not a fool. This is very low of you, of a great lord, to lend a hand as you do to the follies of my husband. And you, Madame, for a great lady, it is neither fine nor honest of you to cause dissension in a household and to allow my husband to be in love with you.
DORIMENE: What is she trying to say with all this? Goodness Dorante! You have outdone yourself by exposing me to the absurd fantasies of this ridiculous woman.
DORANTE: Madame, wait! Madame, where are you going?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Madame! Monsieur Count, make excuses to her and try to bring her back. Ah! You impertinent creature, this is a fine way to act! You come and insult me in front of everybody, and you drive from me people of quality.
MADAME JOURDAIN: I laugh at their quality.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I don’t know who holds me back, evil creature, from breaking your head with the remains of the repast you came to disrupt. (The table is removed).
MADAME JOURDAIN: (Leaving) I’m not concerned. These are my rights that I defend, and I’ll have all wives on my side.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You do well to avoid my rage. She arrived very inopportunely. I was in the mood to say pretty things, and I had never felt so witty. What’s that?
ACT FOUR
SCENE III (Covielle, disguised; Monsieur Jourdain, Lackey)
COVIELLE: Sir, I don’t know if I have the honor to be known to you?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, sir.
COVIELLE: I saw you when you were no taller than that.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Me?
COVIELLE: Yes. You were the most beautiful child in the world, and all the ladies took you in their arms to kiss you.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: To kiss me?
COVIELLE: Yes, I was a great friend of your late father.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Of my late father?
COVIELLE: Yes. He was a very honorable gentleman.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What did you say?
COVIELLE: I said that he was a very honorable gentleman.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: My father?
COVIELLE: Yes.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You knew him very well?
COVIELLE: Assuredly.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: And you knew him as a gentleman?
COVIELLE: Without doubt.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Then I don’t know what is going on!
COVIELLE: What?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: There are some fools who want to tell me that he was a tradesman.
COVIELLE: Him, a tradesman! It’s pure slander, he never was one. All that he did was to be very obliging, very ready to help; and, since he was a connoisseur in cloth, he went all over to choose them, had them brought to his house, and gave them to his friends for money.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I’m delighted to know you, so you can testify to the fact that my father was a gentleman.
COVIELLE: I’ll attest to it before all the world.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You’ll oblige me. What business brings you here?
COVIELLE: Since knowing your late father, honorable gentleman, as I told you, I have traveled through all the world.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Through all the world!
COVIELLE: Yes.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I imagine it’s a long way from here to there.
COVIELLE: Assuredly. I returned from all my long voyages only four days ago; and because of the interest I take in all that concerns you, I come to announce to you the best news in the world.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What?
COVIELLE: You know that the son of the Grand Turk is here?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Me? No.
COVIELLE: What! He has a very magnificent retinue; everybody goes to see it, and he has been received in this country as an important lord.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: By my faith! I didn’t know that.
COVIELLE: The advantage to you in this is that he is in love with your daughter.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: The son of the Grand Turk?
COVIELLE: Yes. And he wants to be your son-in-law.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: My son-in-law, the son of the Grand Turk?
COVIELLE: The son of the Grand Turk your son-in-law. As I went to see him, and as I perfectly understand his language, he conversed with me; and, after some other discourse, he said to me, “Acciam croc soler ouch alla moustaph gidelum amanahem varahini oussere carbulath,” that is to say, “Haven’t you seen a beautiful young person who is the daughter of Monsieur Jourdain, gentleman of Paris?”
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: The son of the Grand Turk said that of me?
COVIELLE: Yes. Inasmuch as I told him in reply that I knew you particularly well and that I had seen your daughter: “Ah!” he said to me, “marababa sahem;” Which is to say, “Ah, how I am enamored of her!”
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: “Marababa sahem” means “Ah, how I am enamored of her”?
COVIELLE: Yes.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: By my faith, you do well to tell me, since, as for me, I would never have believed that “marababa sahem” could have meant to say “Oh, how I am enamored of her!” What an admirable language Turkish is!
COVIELLE: More admirable than one can believe. Do you know what Cacaracamouchen means?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Cacaracamouchen? No.
COVIELLE: It means: It means, “My dear soul.”
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Cacaracamouchen means “My dear soul?”
COVIELLE: Yes.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That’s marvelous! Cacaracamouchen, my dear soul. Who would have thought? I’m dumbfounded.
COVIELLE: Finally, to complete my assignment, he comes to ask for your daughter in marriage; and in order to have a father-in-law who should be worthy of him, he wants to make you a Mamamouchi, which is a certain high rank in his country.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Mamamouchi?’
COVIELLE: Yes, Mamamouchi; that is to say, in our language, a Paladin. Paladin is one of those ancient . . . Well, Paladin! There is none nobler than that in the world, and you will be equal to the greatest lords of the earth.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: The son of the Grand Turk honors me greatly. Please take me to him in order to express my thanks.
COVIELLE: What! He is going to come here.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: He’s coming here?
COVIELLE: Yes. And he is bringing everything for the ceremony of bestowing your rank.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That seems very quick.
COVIELLE: His love can suffer no delay.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: All that embarrasses me here is that my daughter is a stubborn one who has gotten into her head a certain Cleonte, and she swears she’ll marry no one but him.
COVIELLE: She’ll change her mind when she sees the son of the Grand Turk; and then there is a remarkable coincidence here, it is that the son of the Grand Turk resembles this Cleonte very closely. I just saw him, someone showed him to me; and the love she has for the one can easily pass to the other, and . . . I hear him coming. There he is.
ACT FOUR
SCENE IV (Cleonte, as a Turk, with three Pages carrying his outer clothes, Monsieur Jourdain, Covielle, disguised.)
CLEONTE: Ambousahim oqui boraf, Iordina, salamalequi.
COVIELLE: That is to say: “Monsieur Jourdain, may your heart be all the year like a flowering rosebush.” This is the way of speaking politely in those countries.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I am the most humble servant of His Turkish Highness.
COVIELLE: Carigar camboto oustin moraf .
CLEONTE: Oustin yoc catamalequi basum base alla moran.
COVIELLE: He says: “Heaven gives you the strength of lions and the wisdom of serpents.”
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: His Turkish Highness honors me too much, and I wish him all sorts of good fortune.
COVIELLE: Ossa binamen sadoc babally oracaf ouram.
CLEONTE: Bel-men.
COVIELLE: He says that you should go with him quickly to prepare yourself for the ceremony; then you can see your daughter and conclude the marriage.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: So many things in two words?
COVIELLE: Yes; the Turkish language is like that, it says much in few words. Go quickly where he wants.
ACT FOUR
SCENE V (Dorante, Covielle)
COVIELLE: Ha, ha, ha! My faith, that was hilarious. What a dupe! If he had learned his role by heart, he could not have played it better. Ah! Ah! Excuse me, Sir, Wouldn’t you like to help us here in an affair that is taking place.
DORANTE: Ah! Ah! Covielle, who would have recognized you? How you are made up!
COVIELLE: You see, ha, ha!
DORANTE: What are you laughing at?
COVIELLE: At a thing, Sir, that well deserves it.
DORANTE: What?
COVIELLE: I’ll give you many chances, Sir, to guess the stratagem we are using on Monsieur Jourdain to get him to give his daughter to my master.
DORANTE: I can’t begin to guess the stratagem, but I guess it will not fail in its effect, since you are undertaking it.
COVIELLE: I see, Sir, that you know me too well.
DORANTE: Tell me what it is.
COVIELLE: Come over here a little to make room for what I see coming. You can see part of the story, while I tell you the rest.
(The Turkish ceremony for ennobling Monsieur Jourdain is performed in dance and music, and comprises the Fourth Interlude.) [The ceremony is a burlesque full of comic gibberish in pseudo-Turkish and nonsensical French, in which Monsieur Jourdain is made to appear ludicrous and during which he is outfitted with an extravagant costume, turban, and sword.]
ACT FIVE
SCENE I (Madame Jourdaine, Monsieur Jourdain)
MADAME JOURDAIN: Ah, My God! Mercy! What is all of this? What a spectacle! Are you dressed for a masquerade, and is this a time to go masked? Speak then, what is this? Who has bundled you up like that?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: See the impertinent woman, to speak in this way to a Mamamouchi!
MADAME JOURDAIN: How’s that?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, you must show me respect now, as I’ve just been made a Mamamouchi.
MADAME JOURDAIN: What are you trying to say with your Mamamouchi?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Mamamouchi, I tell you. I’m a Mamamouchi.
MADAME JOURDAIN: What animal is that?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Mamamouchi, that is to say, in our language, Paladin.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Baladin! Are you of an age to dance in ballets?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What an ignorant woman! I said Paladin. It’s a dignity which has just been bestowed upon me in a ceremony.
MADAME JOURDAIN: What ceremony then?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Mahometa-per-Jordina.
MADAME JOURDAIN: What does that mean?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Jordina, that is to say, Jourdain.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Very well, what of Jourdain?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Voler far un Paladina de Jordina.
MADAME JOURDAIN: What?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Dar turbanta con galera.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Which is to say what? MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Per deffender Palestina.
MADAME JOURDAIN: What are you trying to say?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Dara, dara, bastonnara.
MADAME JOURDAIN: What jargon is this?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Non tener honta, questa star l’ultima affronta.
MADAME JOURDAIN: What in the world is all that?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (Dancing and singing). Hou la ba, Ba la chou, ba la ba, ba la da.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Alas! Oh Lord, my husband has gone mad.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (Leaving) Peace, insolent woman! Show respect to the Monsieur Mamamouchi.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Has he lost his mind? I must hurry to stop him from going out. Ah! Ah! This is the last straw! I see nothing but shame on all sides. (She leaves.)
Act FIVE
SCENE II (Dorante, Dorimene)
DORANTE: Yes, Madame, you are going to see the most amusing thing imaginable. I don’t believe it would be possible to find in all the world another man as crazy as that one is. And then too, Madame, we must try to help Cleonte’s plan by supporting his masquerade. He’s a very gallant man and deserves our help.
DORIMENE: I think highly of him and he deserves happiness.
DORANTE: Besides that, we have here, Madame, another ballet performance that we shouldn’t miss, and I want to see if my idea will succeed.
DORIMENE: I saw magnificent preparations, and I can no longer permit this Dorante. Yes, I finally want to end your extravagances and to stop all these expenses that I see you go to for me, I have decided to marry you right away. This is the truth of it, that all these sorts of things end with marriage, as you know.
DORANTE: Ah! Madame, is it possible that you should have taken such a sweet decision in my favor?
DORIMENE: It is only to impede you from ruining yourself; without that, I see very well that before long you would not have a penny.
DORANTE: How obliged I am to you, Madame, for the care you have to conserve my money! It is entirely yours, as well as my heart, and you may use them in whatever fashion you please.
DORIMENE: I’ll make use of them both. But here is your man: his costume is wonderful.
ACT FIVE
SCENE III (Monsieur Jourdain, Dorante, Dorimene)
DORANTE: Sir, we come to pay homage, Madame and I, to your new dignity, and to rejoice with you at the marriage between your daughter and the son of the Grand Turk.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (After bowing in the Turkish way) Sir, I wish you the strength of serpents and the wisdom of lions.
DORIMENE,: I was very glad, Sir, to be among the first to come to congratulate you upon rising to such a high degree of honor.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Madame, I wish your rosebush to flower all year long; I am infinitely obliged to you for taking part in the honors bestowed upon me; and I am very happy to see you returned here, so I can make very humble excuses for the ridiculous behavior of my wife.
DORIMENE: That’s nothing. I excuse her jumping to conclusions: your heart must be precious to her, and it isn’t strange that the possession of such a man as you should inspire some jealousy.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: The possession of my heart is a thing that has been entirely gained by you.
DORANTE: You see, Madame, that Monsieur Jourdain is not one of those men that good fortune blinds, and that he still knows, even in his glory, how to recognize his friends.
DORIMENE: It is the mark of a completely generous soul.
DORANTE: Where then is His Turkish Highness? We want, as your friends, to pay him our respects.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: There he comes, and I have sent for my daughter in order to give him her hand.
ACT FIVE
SCENE IV (Cleonte, Covielle, Monsieur Jourdain, etc.)
DORANTE: Sir, we come to bow to Your Highness as friends of the gentleman who is your father-in-law, and to assure you with respect of our very humble services.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Where’s the interpreter to tell him who you are and to make him understand what you say? You will see that he will reply, and that he speaks Turkish marvelously. Hey there! Where the devil has he gone? (To Cleonte). Strouf, strif, strof, straf. The gentleman is a grande Segnore, grande Segnore, grande Segnore. And Madame is a Dama granda Dama, granda. Ahi! He, Monsieur, he French Mamamauchi, and Madame also French Mamamouchie. I can’t say it more clearly. Good, here’s the interpreter. Where are you going? We won’t know how to say anything without you. Tell him, that Monsieur and Madame are persons of high rank, who have come to pay their respects to him, as my friends, and to assure him of their services. You’ll see how he will reply.
COVIELLE: Alabala crociam acci boram alabamen.
CLEONTE: Catalequi tubal ourin soter amalouchan.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: See?
COVIELLE: He says that the rain of prosperity should water the garden of your family in all seasons.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I told you that he speaks Turkish!
DORANTE: That’s wonderful.
ACT FIVE
SCENE V (Lucile, Monsieur Jourdain, Dorante, Dorimene, etc.)
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Come, my daughter; come here and give your hand to the gentleman who does you the honor of asking for you in marriage.
LUCILE: What! Father, look at you! Are you playing in a comedy?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, no, this is not a comedy, it’s a very serious matter, and as full of honor for you as possible. There is the husband I give you.
LUCILE: To me, father?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, to you. Come, put your hand in his, and give thanks to Heaven for your happiness.
LUCILE: I have absolutely no wish to marry.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I wish it, I, who am your father.
LUCILLE: I’ll do nothing of the sort.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Ah! What a nuisance! Come, I tell you. Give your hand.
LUCILE: No, my father, I told you, there is no power on earth that can make me take any husband other than Cleonte. And I will go to extreme measures rather than . . . (Recognizes Cleonte) It is true that you are my father; I owe you complete obedience; and it is for you to dispose of me according to your wishes.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Ah! I am delighted to see you return so promptly to your duty, and it pleases me to have an obedient daughter.
ACT FIVE
SCENE VI (Madame Jourdain, Monsieur Jourdain, Cleonte, etc.)
MADAME JOURDAIN: What now? What’s this? They say that you want to give your daughter in marriage to a someone in a Carnival costume?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Will you be quiet, impertinent woman? You always throw your absurdities into everything, and there’s no teaching you to be reasonable.
MADAME JOURDAIN: It’s you that there is no way of making wise, and you go from folly to folly. What is your plan, and what do you want to do with this assemblage of people?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I want to marry our daughter to the son of the Grand Turk.
MADAME JOURDAIN: To the son of the Grand Turk?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes. Greet him through the interpreter there.
MADAME JOURDAIN: I don’t need an interpreter; and I’ll tell him straight out myself, to his face, that there is no way he will have my daughter.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I ask again, will you be quiet?
DORANTE: What! Madame Jourdain, do you oppose such good fortune as that? You refuse His Turkish Highness as your son-in-law?
MADAME JOURDAIN: My Goodness, Sir, mind your own business.
DORIMENE: It’s a great glory, which is not to be rejected.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Madame, I beg you also not to concern yourself with what does not affect you.
DORANTE: It’s the friendship we have for you that makes us involve ourselves in your interest.
MADAME JOURDAIN: I can get along quite well without your friendship.
DORANTE: Your daughter here agrees to the wishes of her father.
MADAME JOURDAIN: My daughter consents to marry a Turk?
DORANTE: Without doubt.
MADAME JOURDAIN: She can forget Cleonte?
DORANTE: What wouldn’t one do to be a great lady?
MADAME JOURDAIN: I would strangle her with my own hands if she did something like that.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That is just so much talk. I tell you, this marriage shall take place.
MADAME JOURDAIN: And I say there is no way that it will happen.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Oh, what a row!
LUCILE: Mother!
MADAME JOURDAIN: Go away, you are a hussy.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What! You quarrel with her for obeying me?
MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes. She is mine as much as yours.
COVIELLE: Madame!
MADAME JOURDAIN: What do you want to tell me?
COVIELLE: A word.
MADAME JOURDAIN: I want nothing to do with your word.
COVIELLE: (To Monsieur Jourdain) Sir, if she will hear a word in private, I promise you to make her consent to what you want.
MADAME JOURDAIN: I will never consent to it.
COVIELLE: Only listen to me.
MADAME JOURDAIN: No.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Listen to him.
MADAME JOURDAIN: No, I don’t want to listen to him.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: He is going tell you . . .
MADAME JOURDAIN: I don’t want him to tell me anything whatsoever.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: There is the great stubbornness of a woman! How can it hurt you to listen to him?
COVIELLE: Just listen to me; after that you can do as you please.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Alright! What?
COVIELLE: (Aside to Madame Jourdain) For an hour, Madame, we’ve been signaling to you. Don’t you see that all this is done only to accommodate ourselves to the fantasies of your husband, that we are fooling him under this disguise and that it is Cleonte himself who is the son of the Grand Turk? MADAME JOURDAIN: Ah! Ah! COVIELLE: And I, Covielle, am the interpreter? MADAME JOURDAIN: Ah! If this is the case then, I surrender.
COVIELLE: Don’t let on.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes, it’s done, I agree to the marriage.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Ah! Now everyone’s reasonable. You didn’t want to hear it. I knew he would explain to you what it means to be the son of the Grand Turk.
MADAME JOURDAIN: He explained it to me very well, and I am satisfied. Let us send for a notary.
DORANTE: This is very well said. And finally, Madame Jourdain, in order to relieve your mind completely, and that you may lose today all the jealousy that you may have conceived of your husband, we shall have the same notary marry us, Madame and me.
MADAME JOURDAIN: I agree to that also.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Is this to make her believe our story?
DORANTE: (Aside to Monsieur Jourdain) It is necessary to amuse her with this pretence.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Good, good! Someone go for the notary.
DORANTE: While we wait for him to come and while he draws up the contracts, let us see our ballet, and divert His Turkish Highness with it.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That is very well advised. Come, let’s take our places.
MADAME JOURDAIN: And Nicole?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I give her to the interpreter; and my wife to whoever wants her.
COVIELLE: Sir, I thank you. (Aside) If one can find a greater fool, I’ll go to Rome to tell it.
(The comedy ends with a ballet.)