The Story of the Gadsby
by Rudyard Kipling
Poor Dear Mamma
The World Without
The Tents of Kedar
With Any Amazement
The Garden of Eden
The Valley of the Shadow
The Swelling of Jordan
To THE ADDRESS OF
CAPTAIN J. MAFFLIN,
Duke of Derry’s (Pink) Hussars.
DEAR MAFFLIN,-You will remember that I wrote this story as an Awful Warning. None the less you have seen fit to disregard it and have followed Gadsby’s example–as I betted you would. I acknowledge that you paid the money at once, but you have prejudiced the mind of Mrs. Mafflin against myself, for though I am almost the only respectable friend of your bachelor days, she has been darwaza band to me throughout the season. Further, she caused you to invite me to dinner at the Club, where you called me “a wild ass of the desert,” and went home at half-past ten, after discoursing for twenty minutes on the responsibilities of housekeeping. You now drive a mail-phaeton and sit under a Church of England clergyman. I am not angry, Jack. It is your kismet, as it was Gaddy’s, and his kismet who can avoid? Do not think that I am moved by a spirit of revenge as I write, thus publicly, that you and you alone are responsible for this book. In other and more expansive days, when you could look at a magnum without flushing and at a cheroot without turning white, you supplied me with most of the material. Take it back again-would that I could have preserved your fatherless speech in the telling-take it back, and by your slippered hearth read it to the late Miss Deercourt. She will not be any the more willing to receive my cards, but she will admire you immensely, and you, I feel sure, will love me. You may even invite me to another very bad dinner-at the Club, which, as you and your wife know, is a safe neutral ground for the entertainment of wild asses. Then, my very dear hypocrite, we shall be quits.
P. S.-On second thoughts I should recommend you to keep the book away from Mrs. Mafflin.
POOR DEAR MAMMA
The wild hawk to the wind-swept sky, The deer to the wholesome wold, And the heart of a man to the heart of a maid, As it was in the days of old. Gypsy Song.
SCENE. – Interior of Miss MINNIE THREEGAN’S Bedroom at Simla. Miss THREEGAN, in window-seat, turning over a drawerful of things. Miss EMMA DEERCOURT, bosom – friend, who has come to spend the day, sitting on the bed, manipulating the bodice of a ballroom frock, and a bunch of artificial lilies of the valley. Time, 5:30 P. M. on a hot May afternoon.
Miss DEERCOURT. And he said: “I shall never forget this dance,” and, of course, I said: “Oh, how can you be so silly!” Do you think he meant any-thing, dear?
Miss THREEGAN. (Extracting long lavender silk stocking from the rubbish.) You know him better than I do.
Miss D. Oh, do be sympathetic, Minnie! I’m sure he does. At least I would be sure if he wasn’t always riding with that odious Mrs. Hagan.
Miss T. I suppose so. How does one manage to dance through one’s heels first? Look at this-isn’t it shameful? (Spreads stocking-heel on open hand for inspection.)
Miss D. Never mind that! You can’t mend it. Help me with this hateful bodice. I’ve run the string so, and I’ve run the string so, and I can’t make the fulness come right. Where would you put this? (Waves lilies of the valley.)
Miss T. As high up on the shoulder as possible.
Miss D. Am I quite tall enough? I know it makes May Older look lopsided.
Miss T. Yes, but May hasn’t your shoulders. Hers are like a hock-bottle.
BEARER. (Rapping at door.) Captain Sahib aya.
Miss D. (Jumping up wildly, and hunting for bodice, which she has discarded owing to the heat of the day.) Captain Sahib! What Captain Sahib? Oh, good gracious, and I’m only half dressed! Well, I sha’n’t bother.
Miss T. (Calmly.) You needn’t. It isn’t for us. That’s Captain Gadsby. He is going for a ride with Mamma. He generally comes five days out of the seven.
AGONIZED VOICE. (Prom an inner apartment.) Minnie, run out and give Captain Gadsby some tea, and tell him I shall be ready in ten minutes; and, O Minnie, come to me an instant, there’s a dear girl!
Miss T. Oh, bother! (Aloud.) Very well, Mamma.
Exit, and reappears, after five minutes, flushed, and rubbing her fingers.
Miss D. You look pink. What has happened?
Miss T. (In a stage whisper.) A twenty-four-inch waist, and she won’t let it out. Where are my bangles? (Rummager on the toilet-table, and dabs at her hair with a brush in the interval.)
Miss D. Who is this Captain Gadsby? I don’t think I’ve met him.
Miss T. You must have. He belongs to the Harrar set. I’ve danced with him, but I’ve never talked to him. He’s a big yellow man, just like a newly-hatched chicken, with an enormous moustache. He walks like this (imitates Cavalry swagger), and he goes “Ha-Hmmm!” deep down in his throat when he can’t think of anything to say. Mamma likes him. I don’t.
Miss D. (Abstractedly.) Does he wax that moustache?
Miss T. (Busy with Powder-puff.) Yes, I think so. Why?
Miss D. (Bending over the bodice and sewing furiously.) Oh, nothing-only-Miss T. (Sternly.) Only what? Out with it, Emma.
Miss D. Well, May Olger-she’s engaged to Mr. Charteris, you know-said-Promise you won’t repeat this?
Miss T. Yes, I promise. What did she say?
Miss D. That-that being kissed (with a rush) with a man who didn’t wax his moustache was-like eating an egg without salt.
Miss T. (At her full height, with crushing scorn.) May Olger is a horrid, nasty Thing, and you can tell her I said so. I’m glad she doesn’t belong to my set-I must go and feed this man! Do I look presentable?
Miss D. Yes, perfectly. Be quick and hand him over to your Mother, and then we can talk. I shall listen at the door to hear what you say to him.
Miss T. ‘Sure I don’t care. I’m not afraid of Captain Gadsby.
In proof of this swings into the drawing-room with a mannish stride followed by two short steps, which Produces the effect of a restive horse entering. Misses CAPTAIN GADSBY, who is sitting in the shadow of the window-curtain, and gazes round helplessly.
CAPTAIN GADSBY. (Aside.) The filly, by Jove! ‘Must ha’ picked up that action from the sire. (Aloud, rising.) Good evening, Miss Threegan.
Miss T. (Conscious that she is flushing.) Good evening, Captain Gadsby. Mamma told me to say that she will be ready in a few minutes. Won’t you have some tea? (Aside.) I hope Mamma will be quick. What am I to say to the creature? (Aloud and abruptly.) Milk and sugar?
CAPT. G. No sugar, tha-anks, and very little milk. Ha-Hmmm.
Miss T. (Aside.) If he’s going to do that, I’m lost. I shall laugh. I know I shall!
CAPT. G. (Pulling at his moustache and watching it sideways down his nose.) Ha-Hamm. (Aside.) ‘Wonder what the little beast can talk about. ‘Must make a shot at it.
Miss T. (Aside.) Oh, this is agonizing. I must say something.
Both Together. Have you Been-CAPT. G. I beg your pardon. You were going to say-Miss T. (Who has been watching the moustache with awed fascination.) Won’t you have some eggs?
CAPT. G. (Looking bewilderedly at the tea-table.) Eggs! (Aside.) O Hades! She must have a nursery-tea at this hour. S’pose they’ve wiped her mouth and sent her to me while the Mother is getting on her duds. (Aloud.) No, thanks.
Miss T. (Crimson with confusion.) Oh! I didn’t mean that. I wasn’t thinking of mou-eggs for an instant. I mean salt. Won’t you have some sa-sweets? (Aside.) He’ll think me a raving lunatic. I wish Mamma would come.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) It was a nursery-tea and she’s ashamed of it. By Jove! She doesn’t look half bad when she colors up like that. (Aloud, helping himself from the dish.) Have you seen those new chocolates at Peliti’s?
Miss T. No, I made these myself. What are they like?
CAPT. G. These! De-licious. (Aside.) And that’s a fact.
Miss T. (Aside.) Oh, bother! he’ll think I’m fishing for compliments. (Aloud.) No, Peliti’s of course.
CAPT. G. (Enthusiastically.) Not to compare with these. How d’you make them? I can’t get my khansamah to understand the simplest thing beyond mutton and fowl.
Miss T. Yes? I’m not a khansamah, you know. Perhaps you frighten him. You should never frighten a servant. He loses his head. It’s very bad policy.
CAPT. G. He’s so awf’ly stupid.
Miss T. (Folding her hands in her Zap.) You should call him quietly and say: “O khansamah jee!”
CAPT. G. (Getting interested.) Yes? (Aside.) Fancy that little featherweight saying, “O khansamah jee” to my bloodthirsty Mir Khan!
Miss T Then you should explain the dinner, dish by dish.
CAPT. G. But I can’t speak the vernacular.
Miss T. (Patronizingly.) You should pass the Higher Standard and try.
CAPT. G. I have, but I don’t seem to be any the wiser. Are you?
Miss T. I never passed the Higher Standard. But the khansamah is very patient with me. He doesn’t get angry when I talk about sheep’s topees, or order maunds of grain when I mean seers.
CAPT. G. (Aside with intense indignation.) I’d like to see Mir Khan being rude to that girl! Hullo! Steady the Buffs! (Aloud.) And do you understand about horses, too?
Miss T. A little-not very much. I can’t doctor them, but I know what they ought to eat, and I am in charge of our stable.
CAPT. G. Indeed! You might help me then. What ought a man to give his sais in the Hills? My ruffian says eight rupees, because everything is so dear.
Miss T. Six rupees a month, and one rupee Simla allowance- neither more nor less. And a grass-cut gets six rupees. That’s better than buying grass in the bazar.
CAPT. G. (Admiringly.) How do you know?
Miss T. I have tried both ways.
CAPT. G. Do you ride much, then? I’ve never seen you on the Mall.
Miss T. (Aside.) I haven’t passed him more than fifty times. (Aloud.) Nearly every day.
CAPT. G. By Jove! I didn’t know that. Ha-Hamm (Pulls at his mousache and is silent for forty seconds.) Miss T. (Desperately, and wondering what will happen next.) It looks beautiful. I shouldn’t touch it if I were you. (Aside.) It’s all Mamma’s fault for not coming before. I will be rude!
CAPT. G. (Bronzing under the tan and bringing down his hand very quickly.) Eh! What-at! Oh, yes! Ha! Ha! (Laughs uneasily.) (Aside.) Well, of all the dashed cheek! I never had a woman say that to me yet. She must be a cool hand or else-Ah! that nursery-tea!
VOICE PROM THE UNKNOWN. Tchk! Tchk! Tchk!
CAPT. G. Good gracious! What’s that?
Miss T. The dog, I think. (Aside.) Emma has been listening, and I’ll never forgive her!
CAPT. G. (Aside.) They don’t keep dogs here. (Aloud.) ‘Didn’t sound like a dog, did it?
Miss T. Then it must have been the cat. Let’s go into the veranda. What a lovely evening it is!
Steps into veranda and looks out across the hills into sunset. The CAPTAIN follows.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Superb eyes! I wonder that I never noticed them before! (Aloud.) There’s going to he a dance at Viceregal Lodge on Wednesday. Can you spare me one?
Miss T. (Shortly.) No! I don’t want any of your charity-dances. You only ask me because Mamma told you to. I hop and I bump. You know I do!
CAPT. G. (Aside.) That’s true, but little girls shouldn’t understand these things. (Aloud.) No, on my word, I don’t. You dance beautifully.
Miss T. Then why do you always stand out after half a dozen turns? I thought officers in the Army didn’t tell fibs.
CAPT. G. It wasn’t a fib, believe me. I really do want the pleasure of a dance with you.
Miss T. (Wickedly.) Why? Won’t Mamma dance with you any more?
CAPT. G. (More earnestly than the necessity demands.) I wasn’t thinking of your Mother. (Aside.) You little vixen!
Miss T. (Still looking out of the window.) Eh? Oh, I beg your par don. I was thinking of something else.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Well! I wonder what she’ll say next. I’ve never known a woman treat me like this before. I might be–Dash it, I might be an Infantry subaltern! (Aloud.) Oh, please don’t trouble. I’m not worth thinking about. Isn’t your Mother ready yet?
Miss T. I should think so; but promise me, Captain Gadsby, you won’t take poor dear Mamma twice round Jakko any more. It tires her so.
CAPT. G. She says that no exercise tires her.
Miss T. Yes, but she suffers afterward. You don’t know what rheumatism is, and you oughtn’t to keep her out so late, when it gets chill in the evenings.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Rheumatism. I thought she came off her horse rather in a bunch. Whew! One lives and learns. (Aloud.) I’m sorry to hear that. She hasn’t mentioned it to me.
Miss T. (Flurried.) Of course not! Poor dear Mamma never would. And you mustn’t say that I told you either. Promise me that you won’t. Oh, CAPTAIN Gadsby, promise me you won’t I
CAPT. G. I am dumb, or-I shall be as soon as you’ve given me that dance, and another-if you can trouble yourself to think about me for a minute.
Miss T. But you won’t like it one little bit. You’ll be awfully sorry afterward.
CAPT. G. I shall like it above all things, and I shall only be sorry that I didn’t get more. (Aside.) Now what in the world am I saying?
Miss T. Very well. You will have only yourself to thank if your toes are trodden on. Shall we say Seven?
CAPT. G. And Eleven. (Aside.) She can’t be more than eight stone, but, even then, it’s an absurdly small foot. (Looks at his own riding boots.)
Miss T. They’re beautifully shiny. I can almost see my face in them.
CAPT. G. I was thinking whether I should have to go on crutches for the rest of my life if you trod on my toes.
Miss T. Very likely. Why not change Eleven for a square?
CAPT. G. No, please! I want them both waltzes. Won’t you write them down?
Miss T. J don’t get so many dances that I shall confuse them. You will be the offender.
CAPT. G. Wait and see! (Aside.) She doesn’t dance perfectly, perhaps, but
Miss T. Your tea must have got cold by this time. Won’t you have another cup?
CAPT. G. No, thanks. Don’t you think it’s pleasanter out in the veranda? (Aside.) I never saw hair take that color in the sunshine before. (Aloud.) It’s like one of Dicksee’s pictures.
Miss T. Yes I It’s a wonderful sunset, isn’t it? (Bluntly.) But what do you know about Dicksee’s pictures?
CAPT. G. I go Home occasionally. And I used to know the Galleries. (Nervously.) You mustn’t think me only a Philistine with-a moustache.
Miss T. Don’t! Please don’t. I’m so sorry for what I said then. I was horribly rude. It slipped out before j thought. Don’t you know the temptation to say frightful and shocking things just for the mere sake of saying them? I’m afraid I gave way to it.
CAPT. G. (Watching the girl as she flushes.) I think I know the feeling. It would be terrible if we all yielded to it, wouldn’t it? For instance, I might say-POOR DEAR MAMMA. (Entering, habited, hatted, and booted.) Ah, Captain Gadsby? ‘Sorry to keep you waiting. ‘Hope you haven’t been bored. ‘My little girl been talking to you?
Miss T. (Aside.) I’m not sorry I spoke about the rheumatism. I’m not! I’m NOT! I only wished I’d mentioned the corns too.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) What a shame! I wonder how old she is. It never occurred to me before. (Aloud.) We’ve been discussing “Shakespeare and the musical glasses” in the veranda.
Miss T. (Aside.) Nice man! He knows that quotation. He isn’t a Philistine with a moustache. (Aloud.) Good-bye, Captain Gadsby. (Aside.) What a huge hand and what a squeeze! I don’t suppose he meant it, but he has driven the rings into my fingers.
POOR DEAR MAMMA. Has Vermillion come round yet? Oh, yes! Captain Gadsby, don’t you think that the saddle is too far forward? (They pass into the front veranda.)
CAPT. G. (Aside.) How the dickens should I know what she prefers? She told me that she doted on horses. (Aloud.) I think it is.
Miss T. (Coming out into front veranda.) Oh! Bad Buldoo! I must speak to him for this. He has taken up the curb two links, and Vermillion bates that. (Passes out and to horse’s head.)
CAPT. G. Let me do it!
Miss. T. No, Vermillion understands me. Don’t you, old man? (Looses curb-chain skilfully, and pats horse on nose and throttle.) Poor Vermillion! Did they want to cut his chin off? There!
Captain Gadsby watches the interlude with undisguised admiration.
POOR DEAR MAMMA. (Tartly to Miss T.) You’ve forgotten your guest, I think, dear.
Miss T. Good gracious! So I have! Good-bye. (Retreats indoors hastily.)
POOR DEAR MAMMA. (Bunching reins in fingers hampered by too tight gauntlets.) CAPTAIN Gadsby!
CAPTAIN GADSBY stoops and makes the foot-rest. POOR DEAR MAMMA blunders, halts too long, and breaks through it.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Can’t hold up even stone forever. It’s all your rheumatism. (Aloud.) Can’t imagine why I was so clumsy. (Aside.) Now Little Featherweight would have gone up like a bird.
They ride oat of the garden. The Captain falls back.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) How that habit catches her under the arms! Ugh!
POOR DEAR MAMMA. (With the worn smile of sixteen seasons, the worse for exchange.) You’re dull this afternoon, CAPTAIN Gadsby.
CAPT. G. (Spurring up wearily.) Why did you keep me waiting so long?
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
(AN INTERVAL OF THREE WEEKS.)
GILDED YOUTH. (Sitting on railings opposite Town Hall.) Hullo, Gandy! ‘Been trotting out the Gorgonzola! We all thought it was the Gorgan you’re mashing.
CAPT. G. (With withering emphasis.) You young cub! What the- does it matter to you?
Proceeds to read GILDED YOUTH a lecture on discretion and deportment, which crumbles latter like a Chinese Lantern. Departs fuming.
(FURTHER INTERVAL OF FIVE WEEKS.) SCENE.-Exterior of New Simla Library
on a foggy evening. Miss THREECAN and Miss DEERCOURT meet among the ‘rickshaws. Miss T. is carrying a bundle of books under her left arm.
Miss D. (Level intonation.) Well?
Miss ‘I’. (Ascending intonation.) Well?
Miss D. (Capturing her friend’s left arm, taking away all the books, placing books in ‘rickshaw, returning to arm, securing hand by third finger and investigating.) Well! You bad girl! And you never told me.
Miss T. (Demurely.) He-he-he only spoke yesterday afternoon.
Miss D. Bless you, dear! And I’m to be bridesmaid, aren’t I? You know you promised ever so long ago.
Miss T. Of course. I’ll tell you all about it to-morrow. (Gets into ‘rickshaw.) O Emma!
Miss D. (With intense interest.) Yes, dear?
Miss T. (Piano.) It’s quite true- – – about-the-egg.
Miss D. What egg?
Miss T. (Pianissimo prestissimo.) The egg without the salt. (Porte.) Chalo ghar ko jaldi, jhampani! (Go home, jhampani.)
THE WORLD WITHOUT
Certain people of importance.
SCENE.-Smoking-room of the Degchi Club. Time, 10.30 P. M. of a stuffy night in the Rains. Four men dispersed in picturesque attitudes and easy-chairs. To these enter BLAYNE of the Irregular Moguls, in evening dress.
BLAYNE. Phew! The Judge ought to be hanged in his own store-godown. Hi, khitmatgarl Poora whiskey-peg, to take the taste out of my mouth.
CURTISS. (Royal Artillery.) That’s it, is it? What the deuce made you dine at the Judge’s? You know his bandobust.
BLAYNE. ‘Thought it couldn’t be worse than the Club, but I’ll swear he buys ullaged liquor and doctors it with gin and ink (looking round the room.) Is this all of you to-night?
DOONE. (P.W.D.) Anthony was called out at dinner. Mingle had a pain in his tummy.
CURTISS. Miggy dies of cholera once a week in the Rains, and gets drunk on chlorodyne in between. ‘Good little chap, though. Any one at the Judge’s, Blayne?
BLAYNE. Cockley and his memsahib looking awfully white and fagged. ‘F(‘.male girl-couldn’t catch the name-on her way to the Hills, under the Cockleys’ charge-the Judge, and Markyn fresh from Simla-disgustingly fit.
CURTISS. Good Lord, how truly magnificent! Was there enough ice? When I mangled garbage there I got one whole lump-nearly as big as a walnut. What had Markyn to say for himself?
BLAYNE. ‘Seems that every one is having a fairly good time up there in spite of the rain. By Jove, that reminds me! I know I hadn’t come across just for the pleasure of your society. News! Great news! Markyn told me.
DOONE. Who’s dead now?
BLAYNE. No one that I know of; but Gandy’s hooked at last!
DROPPING CHORUS. How much? The Devil! Markyn was pulling your leg. Not GANDY!
BLAYNE. (Humming.) “Yea, verily, verily, verily! Verily, verily, I say unto thee.” Theodore, the gift o’ God! Our Phillup! It’s been given out up above.
MACKESY. (Barrister-at-Law.) Huh! Women will give out anything. What does accused say?
BLAYNE. Markyn told me that he congratulated him warily-one hand held out, t’other ready to guard. Gandy turned pink and said it was so.
CURTISS. Poor old Caddy! They all do it. Who’s she? Let’s hear the details.
BLAYNE. She’s a girl-daughter of a Colonel Somebody.
DOONE. Simla’s stiff with Colonels’ daughters. Be more explicit.
BLAYNE. Wait a shake. What was her name? Thresomething. Three-
CURTISS. Stars, perhaps. Caddy knows that brand.
BLAYNE. Threegan-Minnie Threegan.
MACKESY. Threegan Isn’t she a little bit of a girl with red hair?
BLAYNE. ‘Bout that-from what from what Markyn said.
MACKESY. Then I’ve met her. She was at Lucknow last season. ‘Owned a permanently juvenile Mamma, and danced damnably. I say, Jervoise, you knew the Threegans, didn’t you?
JERVOISE. (Civilian of twenty-five years’ service, waking up from his doze.) Eh? What’s that? Knew who? How? I thought I was at Home, confound you!
MACKESY. The Threegan girl’s engaged, so Blayne says.
JERVOISE. (Slowly.) Engaged-en-gaged! Bless my soul! I’m getting an old man! Little Minnie Threegan engaged. It was only the other day I went home with them in the Surat-no, the Massilia- and she was crawling about on her hands and knees among the ayahs. ‘Used to call me the “Tick Tack Sakib” because I showed her my watch. And that was in Sixty-Seven-no, Seventy. Good God, how time flies! I’m an old man. I remember when Threegan married Miss Derwent-daughter of old Hooky Derwent-but that was before your time. And so the little baby’s engaged to have a little baby of her own! Who’s the other fool?
MACKESY. Gadsby of the Pink Hussars.
JERVOISE. ‘Never met him. Threegan lived in debt, married in debt, and ‘ll die in debt. ‘Must be glad to get the girl off his hands.
BLAYNE. Caddy has money-lucky devil. Place at Home, too.
DOONE. He comes of first-class stock. ‘Can’t quite understand his being caught by a Colonel’s daughter, and (looking cautiously round room.) Black Infantry at that! No offence to you, Blayne.
BLAYNE. (Stiffly.) Not much, thaanks.
CURTISS. (Quoting motto of Irregular Moguls.) “We are what we are,” eh, old man? But Gandy was such a superior animal as a rule. Why didn’t he go Home and pick his wife there?
MACKESY. They are all alike when they come to the turn into the straight. About thirty a man begins to get sick of living alone.
CURTISS. And of the eternal muttony-chop in the morning.
DOONE. It’s a dead goat as a rule, but go on, Mackesy.
MACKESY. If a man’s once taken that way nothing will hold him, Do you remember Benoit of your service, Doone? They transferred him to Tharanda when his time came, and he married a platelayer’s daughter, or something of that kind. She was the only female about the place.
DONE. Yes, poor brute. That smashed Benoit’s chances of promotion altogether. Mrs. Benoit used to ask “Was you gem’ to the dance this evenin’?”
CURTISS. Hang it all! Gandy hasn’t married beneath him. There’s no tarbrush in the family, I suppose.
JERVOISE. Tar-brush! Not an anna. You young fellows talk as though the man was doing the girl an honor in marrying her. You’re all too conceited-nothing’s good enough for you.
BLAYNE. Not even an empty Club, a dam’ bad dinner at the Judge’s, and a Station as sickly as a hospital. You’re quite right. We’re a set of Sybarites.
DOONE. Luxurious dogs, wallowing in-
CURTISS. Prickly heat between the shoulders. I’m covered with it. Let’s hope Beora will be cooler.
BLAYNE. Whew! Are you ordered into camp, too? I thought the Gunners had a clean sheet.
CURTISS. No, worse luck. Two cases yesterday-one died-and if we have a third, out we go. Is there any shooting at Beora, Doone?
DOONE. The country’s under water, except the patch by the Grand Trunk Road. I was there yesterday, looking at a bund, and came across four poor devils in their last stage. It’s rather bad from here to Kuchara.
CURTISS. Then we’re pretty certain to have a heavy go of it. Heigho! I shouldn’t mind changing places with Gaddy for a while. ‘Sport with Amaryllis in the shade of the Town Hall, and all that. Oh, why doesn’t somebody come and marry me, instead of letting me go into cholera-camp?
MACKESY. Ask the Committee.
CURTISS. You ruffian! You’ll stand me another peg for that. Blayne, what will you take? Mackesy is fine on moral grounds. Done, have you any preference?
DONE. Small glass Kummel, please. Excellent carminative, these days. Anthony told me so.
MACKESY. (Signing voucher for four drinks.) Most unfair punishment. I only thought of Curtiss as Actaeon being chivied round the billiard tables by the nymphs of Diana.
BLAYNE. Curtiss would have to import his nymphs by train. Mrs. Cockley’s the only woman in the Station. She won’t leave Cockley, and he’s doing his best to get her to go.
CURTISS. Good, indeed! Here’s Mrs. Cockley’s health. To the only wife in the Station and a damned brave woman!
OMNES. (Drinking.) A damned brave woman
BLAVNE. I suppose Gandy will bring his wife here at the end of the cold weather. They are going to be married almost immediately, I believe.
CURTISS. Gandy may thank his luck that the Pink Hussars are all detachment and no headquarters this hot weather, or he’d be torn from the arms of his love as sure as death. Have you ever noticed the thorough-minded way British Cavalry take to cholera? It’s because they are so expensive. If the Pinks had stood fast here, they would have been out in camp a. month ago. Yes, I should decidedly like to be Gandy.
MACKESY. He’ll go Home after he’s married, and send in his papers-see if he doesn’t.
BLAYNE. Why shouldn’t he? Hasn’t he money? Would any one of us be here if we weren’t paupers?
DONE. Poor old pauper! What has become of the six hundred you rooked from our table last month?
BLAYNE. It took unto itself wings. I think an enterprising tradesman got some of it, and a shroff gobbled the rest-or else I spent it.
CURTISS. Gandy never had dealings with a shroff in his life.
DONE. Virtuous Gandy! If I had three thousand a month, paid from England, I don’t think I’d deal with a shroff either.
MACKESY. (Yawning.) Oh, it’s a sweet life! I wonder whether matrimony would make it sweeter.
CURTISS. Ask Cockley-with his wife dying by inches!
BLAYNE. Go home and get a fool of a girl to come out to-what is it Thackeray says?-“the splendid palace of an Indian pro-consul.”
DOONE. Which reminds me. My quarters leak like a sieve. I had fever last night from sleeping in a swamp. And the worst of it is, one can’t do anything to a roof till the Rains are over.
CURTISS. What’s wrong with you? You haven’t eighty rotting Tommies to take into a running stream.
DONE. No: but I’m mixed boils and bad language. I’m a regular Job all over my body. It’s sheer poverty of blood, and I don’t see any chance of getting richer-either way.
BLAYNE. Can’t you take leave? DONE. That’s the pull you Army men have over us. Ten days are nothing in your sight. I’m so important that Government can’t find a substitute if I go away. Ye-es, I’d like to be Gandy, whoever his wife may be.
CURTISS. You’ve passed the turn of life that Mackesy was speaking of.
DONE. Indeed I have, but I never yet had the brutality to ask a woman to share my life out here.
BLAvNE. On my soul I believe you’re right. I’m thinking of Mrs. Cockley. The woman’s an absolute wreck.
DONE. Exactly. Because she stays down here. The only way to keep her fit would be to send her to the Hills for eight months-and the same with any woman. I fancy I see myself taking a wife on those terms.
MACKESY. With the rupee at one and sixpence. The little Doones would be little Debra Doones, with a fine Mussoorie chi-chi anent to bring home for the holidays.
CURTISS. And a pair of be-ewtiful sambhur-horns for Done to wear, free of expense, presented by-DONE. Yes, it’s an enchanting prospect. By the way, the rupee hasn’t done falling yet. The time will come when we shall think ourselves lucky if we only lose half our pay.
CURTISS. Surely a third’s loss enough. Who gains by the arrangement? That’s what I want to know.
BLAYNE. The Silver Question! I’m going to bed if you begin squabbling Thank Goodness, here’s Anthony-looking like a ghost.
Enter ANTHONY, Indian Medical Staff, very white and tired.
ANTHONY. ‘Evening, Blayne. It’s raining in sheets. Whiskey peg lao, khitmatgar. The roads are something ghastly.
CURTISS. How’s Mingle?
ANTHONY. Very bad, and more frightened. I handed him over to Few-ton. Mingle might just as well have called him in the first place, instead of bothering me.
BLAYNE. He’s a nervous little chap. What has he got, this time?
ANTHONY. ‘Can’t quite say. A very bad tummy and a blue funk so far. He asked me at once if it was cholera, and I told him not to be a fool. That soothed him.
CURTIS. Poor devil! The funk does half the business in a man of that build.
ANTHONY. (Lighting a cheroot.) I firmly believe the funk will kill him if he stays down. You know the amount of trouble he’s been giving Fewton for the last three weeks. He’s doing his very best to frighten himself into the grave.
GENERAL CHORUS. Poor little devil! Why doesn’t he get away?
ANTHONY. ‘Can’t. He has his leave all right, but he’s so dipped he can’t take it, and I don’t think his name on paper would raise four annas. That’s in confidence, though.
MACKESY. All the Station knows it.
ANTHONY. “I suppose I shall have to die here,” he said, squirming all across the bed. He’s quite made up his mind to Kingdom Come. And I know he has nothing more than a wet-weather tummy if he could only keep a hand on himself.
BLAYNE. That’s bad. That’s very bad. Poor little Miggy. Good little chap, too. I say-
ANTHONY. What do you say?
BLAYNE. Well, look here-anyhow. If it’s like that-as you say-I say fifty.
CURTISS. I say fifty.
MACKESY. I go twenty better.
DONE. Bloated Croesus of the Bar! I say fifty. Jervoise, what do you say? Hi! Wake up!
JERVOISE. Eh? What’s that? What’s that?
CURTISS. We want a hundred rupees from you. You’re a bachelor drawing a gigantic income, and there’s a man in a hole.
JERVOISE. What man? Any one dead?
BLAYNE. No, hut he’ll die if you don’t give the hundred. Here! Here’s a peg-voucher. You can see what we’ve signed for, and Anthony’s man will come round to-morrow to collect it. So there will be no trouble.
JERVOISE. (Signing.) One hundred, E. M. J. There you are (feebly). It isn’t one of your jokes, is it?
BLAYNE. No, it really is wanted. Anthony, you were the biggest poker-winner last week, and you’ve defrauded the tax-collector too long. Sign!
ANTHONY. Let’s see. Three fifties and a seventy-two twenty-three twenty-say four hundred and twenty. That’ll give him a month clear at the Hills. Many thanks, you men. I’ll send round the chaprassi to-morrow.
CURTISS. You must engineer his taking the stuff, and of course you mustn’t-
ANTHONY. Of course. It would never do. He’d weep with gratitude over his evening drink.
BLAYNE. That’s just what he would do, damn him. Oh! I say, Anthony, you pretend to know everything. Have you heard about Gandy?
ANTHONY. No. Divorce Court at last?
BLAYNE. Worse. He’s engaged!
ANTHONY. How much? He can’t be!
BLAYNE. He is. He’s going to be married in a few weeks. Markyn told me at the Judge’s this evening. It’s pukka.
ANTHONY. You don’t say so? Holy Moses! There’ll be a shine in the tents of Kedar.
CURTISS. ‘Regiment cut up rough, think you?
ANTHONY. ‘Don’t know anything about the Regiment.
MACKESY. It is bigamy, then?
ANTHONY. Maybe. Do you mean to say that you men have forgotten, or is there more charity in the world than I thought?
DONE. You don’t look pretty when you are trying to keep a secret. You bloat. Explain.
ANTHONY. Mrs. Herriott!
BLAYNE. (After a long pause, to the room generally.) It’s my notion that we are a set of fools.
MACKESY. Nonsense. That business was knocked on the head last season. Why, young Mallard-
ANTHONY. Mallard was a candlestick, paraded as such. Think awhile. Recollect last season and the talk then. Mallard or no Mallard, did Gandy ever talk to any other woman?
CURTISS. There’s something in that. It was slightly noticeable now you come to mention it. But she’s at Naini Tat and he’s at Simla.
ANTHONY. He had to go to Simla to look after a globe-trotter relative of his-a person with a title. Uncle or aunt.
BLAYNE And there he got engaged. No law prevents a man growing tired of a woman.
ANTHONY. Except that he mustn’t do it till the woman is tired of him. And the Herriott woman was not that.
CURTISS. She may be now. Two months of Naini Tal works wonders.
DONE. Curious thing how some women carry a Fate with them. There was a Mrs. Deegie in the Central Provinces whose men invariably fell away and got married. It became a regular proverb with us when I was down there. I remember three men desperately devoted to her, and they all, one after another, took wives.
CURTISS. That’s odd. Now I should have thought that Mrs. Deegie’s influence would have led them to take other men’s wives. It ought to have made them afraid of the judgment of Providence.
ANTHONY. Mrs. Herriott will make Gandy afraid of something more than the judgment of Providence, I fancy.
BLAYNE. Supposing things are as you say, he’ll be a fool to face her. He’ll sit tight at Simla.
ANTHONY. ‘Shouldn’t be a bit surprised if he went off to Naini to explain. He’s an unaccountable sort of man, and she’s likely to be a more than unaccountable woman.
DONE. What makes you take her character away so confidently?
ANTHONY. Primum tern pus. Caddy was her first and a woman doesn’t allow her first man to drop away without expostulation. She justifies the first transfer of affection to herself by swearing that it is forever and ever. Consequently-
BLAYNE. Consequently, we are sitting here till past one o’clock, talking scandal like a set of Station cats. Anthony, it’s all your fault. We were perfectly respectable till you came in Go to bed. I’m off, Good-night all.
CURTISS. Past one! It’s past two by Jove, and here’s the khit coming for the late charge. Just Heavens! One, two, three, four, five rupees to pay for the pleasure of saying that a poor little beast of a woman is no better than she should be. I’m ashamed of myself. Go to bed, you slanderous villains, and if I’m sent to Beora to-morrow, be prepared to hear I’m dead before paying my card account!
THE TENTS OF KEDAR
Only why should it be with pain at all Why must I ‘twix the leaves of corona! Put any kiss of pardon on thy brow? Why should the other women know so much, And talk together -Such the look and such The smile he used to love with, then as now. -Any Wife to any Husband.
SCENE -A Naini Tal dinner for thirty-four. Plate, wines, crockery, and khitmatgars care fully calculated to scale of Rs. 6000 per mensem, less Exchange. Table split lengthways by bank of flowers.
MRS. HERRIOTT. (After conversation has risen to proper pitch.) Ah! ‘Didn’t see you in the crush in the drawing-room. (Sotto voce.) Where have you been all this while, Pip?
CAPTAIN GADSBY. (Turning from regularly ordained dinner partner and settling hock glasses.) Good evening. (Sotto voce.) Not quite so loud another time. You’ve no notion how your voice carries. (Aside.) So much for shirking the written explanation. It’ll have to be a verbal one now. Sweet prospect! How on earth am I to tell her that I am a respectable, engaged member of society and it’s all over between us?
MRS. H. I’ve a heavy score against you. Where were you at the Monday Pop? Where were you on Tuesday? Where were you at the Lamonts’ tennis? I was looking everywhere.
CAPT. G. For me! Oh, I was alive somewhere, I suppose. (Aside.) It’s for Minnie’s sake, but it’s going to be dashed unpleasant.
MRS. H. Have I done anything to offend you? I never meant it if I have. I couldn’t help going for a ride with the Vaynor man. It was promised a week before you came up.
CAPT. G. I didn’t know-
MRS. H. It really was.
CAPT. G. Anything about it, I mean.
MRS. H. What has upset you today? All these days? You haven’t been near me for four whole days-nearly one hundred hours. Was it kind of you, Pip? And I’ve been looking forward so much to your coming.
CAPT. G. Have you?
MRS. H. You know I have! I’ve been as foolish as a schoolgirl about it. I made a little calendar and put it in my card-case, and every time the twelve o’clock gun went off I scratched out a square and said: “That brings me nearer to Pip. My Pip!”
CAPT. G. (With an uneasy laugh). What will Mackler think if you neglect him so?
MRS. H. And it hasn’t brought you nearer. You seem farther away than ever. Are you sulking about something? I know your temper.
CAPT. G. No.
MRS. H. Have I grown old in’ the last few months, then? (Reaches forward to bank of flowers for menu-card.)
PARTNER ON LEFT. Allow me. (Hands menu-card. MRS. H. keeps her arm at full stretch for three seconds.)
MRS. H. (To partner.) Oh, thanks. I didn’t see. (Turns right again.) Is anything in me changed at all?
CAPT. G. For Goodness’s sake go on with your dinner! You must eat something. Try one of those cutlet arrangements. (Aside.) And I fancied she had good shoulders, once upon a time! What an ass a man can make of himself!
MRS. H. (Helping herself to a paper frill, seven peas, some stamped carrots and a spoonful of gravy.) That isn’t an answer. Tell me whether I have done anything.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) If it isn’t ended here there will be a ghastly scene some- where else. If only I’d written to her and stood the racket-at long range! (To Khitmatgar.) Han! Simpkin do. (Aloud.) I’ll tell you later on.
MRS. H. Tell me now. It must be some foolish misunderstanding, and you know that there was to be nothing of that sort between us. We) of all people in the world, can’t afford it. Is it the Vaynor man, and don’t you like to say so? On my honor-CAPT. G. I haven’t given the Vaynor man a thought.
MRS. H. But how d’you know that I haven’t?
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Here’s my chance and may the Devil help me through with it. (Aloud and measuredly.) Believe me, I do not care how often or how tenderly you think of the Vaynor man.
MRS. H. I wonder if you mean that! Oh, what is the good of squabbling and pretending to misunderstand when you are only up for so short a time? Pip, don’t be a stupid!
Follows a pause, during which he crosses his left leg over his right and continues his dinner.
CAPT. G. (In answer to the thunderstorm in her eyes.) Corns-my worst.
MRS. H. Upon my word, you are the very rudest man in the world! I’ll never do it again.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) No, I don’t think you will; but I wonder what you will do before it’s all over. (To Khitmatgar.) Thorah ur Simpkin do.
MRS. H. Well! Haven’t you the grace to apologize, bad man?
CAPT. G. (Aside.) I mustn’t let it drift back now. Trust a woman for being as blind as a bat when she won’t see.
MRS. H. I’m waiting; or would you like me to dictate a form of apology?
CAPT. G. (Desperately.) By all means dictate.
MRS. H. (Lightly.) Very well. Rehearse your several Christian names after me and go on: “Profess my sincere repentance.”
CAPT. G. “Sincere repentance.”
MRS. H. “For having behaved”-
CAPT. G. (Aside.) At last! I wish to Goodness she’d look away. “For having behaved”-as I have behaved, and declare that I am thoroughly and heartily sick of the whole business, and take this opportunity of making clear my intention of ending it, now, henceforward, and forever. (Aside.) If any one had told me I should be such a blackguard!-
MRS. H. (Shaking a spoonful of potato chips into her plate.) That’s not a pretty joke.
CAPT. G. No. It’s a reality. (Aside.) I wonder if smashes of this kind are always so raw.
MRS. H. Really, Pip, you’re getting more absurd every day.
CAPT. G. I don’t think you quite understand me. Shall I repeat it?
MRS. H. No! For pity’s sake don’t do that. It’s too terrible, even in fur.
CAPT. G. I’ll let her think it over for a while. But I ought to be horsewhipped.
MRS. H. I want to know what you meant by what you said just now.
CAPT. G. Exactly what I said. No less.
MRS. H. But what have I done to deserve it? What have I done?
CAPT. G. (Aside.) If she only wouldn’t look at me. (Aloud and very slowly, his eyes on his plate.) D’you remember that evening in July, before the Rains broke, when you said that the end would have to come sooner or later-and you wondered for which of US it would come first?
MRS. H. Yes! I was only joking. And you swore that, as long as there was breath in your body, it should never come. And I believed you.
CAPT. G. (Fingering menu-card.) Well, it has. That’s all.
A long pause, during which MRS. H. bows her head and rolls the bread-twist into little pellets; G. stares at the oleanders.
MRS. H. (Throwing back her head and laughing naturally.) They train us women well, don’t they, Pip?
CAPT. G. (Brutally, touching shirt-stud.) So far as the expression goes. (Aside.) It isn’t in her nature to take things quietly. There’ll be an explosion yet.
MRS. H. (With a shudder.) Thank you. B-but even Red Indians allow people to wriggle when they’re being tortured, I believe. (Slips fan from girdle and fans slowly: rim of fan level with chin.)
PARTNER ON LEFT. Very close tonight, isn’t it? ‘You find it too much for you?
MRS. H. Oh, no, not in the least. But they really ought to have punkahs, even in your cool Naini Tal, oughtn’t they? (Turns, dropping fan and raising eyebrows.)
CAPT. G. It’s all right. (Aside.) Here comes the storm!
MRS. H. (Her eyes on the tablecloth: fan ready in right hand.) It was very cleverly managed, Pip, and I congratulate you. You swore-you never contented yourself with merely Saying a thing-you swore that, as far as lay in your power, you’d make my wretched life pleasant for me. And you’ve denied me the consolation of breaking down. I should have done it-indeed I should. A woman would hardly have thought of this refinement, my kind, considerate friend. (Fan-guard as before.) You have explained things so tenderly and truthfully, too! You haven’t spoken or written a word of warning, and you have let me believe in you till the last minute. You haven’t condescended to give me your reason yet. No! A woman could not have managed it half so well. Are there many men like you in the world?
CAPT. G. I’m sure I don’t know. (To Khitmatgar.) Ohe! Simpkin do.
MRS. H. You call yourself a man of the world, don’t you? Do men of the world behave like Devils when they a woman the honor to get tired of her?
CAPT. G. I’m sure I don’t know. Don’t speak so loud!
MRS. H. Keep us respectable, O Lord, whatever happens. Don’t be afraid of my compromising you. You’ve chosen your ground far too well, and I’ve been properly brought up. (Lowering fan.) Haven’t you any pity, Pip, except for yourself?
CAPT. G. Wouldn’t it be rather impertinent of me to say that I’m sorry for you?
MRS. H. I think you have said it once or twice before. You’re growing very careful of my feelings. My God, Pip, I was a good woman once! You said I was. You’ve made me what I am. What are you going to do with me? What are you going to do with me? Won’t you say that you are sorry? (Helps herself to iced asparagus.)
CAPT. G. I am sorry for you, if you Want the pity of such a brute as I am. I’m awf’ly sorry for you.
MRS. H. Rather tame for a man of the world. Do you think that that admission clears you?
CAPT. G. What can I do? I can only tell you what I think of myself. You can’t think worse than that?
MRS. H. Oh, yes, I can! And now, will you tell me the reason of all this? Remorse? Has Bayard been suddenly conscience- stricken?
CAPT. G. (Angrily, his eyes still lowered.) No! The thing has come to an end on my side. That’s all. Mafisch!
MRS. H. “That’s all. Mafisch!” As though I were a Cairene Dragoman. You used to make prettier speeches. D’you remember when you said?-
CAPT. G. For Heaven’s sake don’t bring that back! Call me anything you like and I’ll admit it-
MRS. H. But you don’t care to be reminded of old lies? If I could hope to hurt you one-tenth as much as you have hurt me to-night-No, I wouldn’t-I couldn’t do it-liar though you are.
CAPT. G. I’ve spoken the truth.
MRS. H. My dear Sir, you flatter yourself. You have lied over the reason. Pip, remember that I know you as you don’t know yourself. You have heen everything to me, though you are- (Fan-guard.) Oh, what a contemptible Thing it is! And so you are merely tired of me?
CAPT. G. Since you insist upon my repeating it-Yes.
Mas. H. Lie the first. I wish I knew a coarser word. Lie seems so in-effectual in your case. The fire has just died out and there is no fresh one? Think for a minute, Pip, if you care whether I despise you more than I do. Simply Mafisch, is it?
CAPT. G. Yes. (Aside.) I think I deserve this.
MRS. H. Lie number two. Before the next glass chokes you, tell me her
CAPT. G. (Aside.) I’ll make her pay for dragging Minnie into the business! (Aloud.) Is it likely?
MRS. H. Very likely if you thought that it would flatter your vanity. You’d cry my name on the house-tops to make people turn round.
CAPT. G. I wish I had. There would have been an end to this business.
MRS. H. Oh, no, there would not-And so you were going to be virtuous and blase’, were you? To come to me and say: “I’ve done with you. The incident is clo-osed.” I ought to be proud of having kept such a man so long.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) It only remains to pray for the end of the dinner. (Aloud.) You know what I think of myself.
MRS. H. As it’s the only person in he world you ever do think of, and as I know your mind thoroughly, I do. Vou want to get it all over and-Oh, I can’t keep you back! And you’re going-think of it, Pip-to throw me over for another woman. And you swore that all other women were-Pip, my Pip! She can’t care for you as I do. Believe me, she can’t. Is it any one that I know?
CAPT. G. Thank Goodness it isn’t. (Aside.) I expected a cyclone, but not an earthquake.
MRS. H. She can’t! Is there anything that I wouldn’t do for you-or haven’t done? And to think that I should take this trouble over you, knowing what you are! Do you despise me for it?
CAPT. G. (Wiping his mouth to hide a smile.) Again? It’s entirely a work of charity on your part.
MRS. H. Ahhh! But I have no right to resent it.-Is she better- looking than I? Who was it said?-
CAPT. G. No-not that!
MRS. H. I’ll be more merciful than you were. Don’t you know that all women are alike?
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Then this is the exception that proves the rule.
MRS. H. All of them! I’ll tell you anything you like. I will, upon my word! They only want the admiration-from anybody-no matter who-anybody! But there is always one man that they care for more than any one else in the world, and would sacrifice all the others to. Oh, do listen! I’ve kept the Vaynor man trotting after me like a poodle, and he believes that he is the only man I am interested in. I’ll tell you what he said to me.
CAPT. G. Spare him. (Aside.) I wonder what his version is.
MRS. H. He’s been waiting for me to look at him all through dinner. Shall I do it, and you can see what an idiot he looks?
CAPT. G. “But what imports the nomination of this gentleman?”
MRS. H. Watch! (Sends a glance to the Vaynor man, who tries vainly to combine a mouthful of ice pudding, a smirk of self-satisfaction, a glare of intense devotion, and the stolidity of a Bntish dining countenance.)
CAPT. G. (Critically.) He doesn’t look pretty. Why didn’t you wait till the spoon was out of his mouth?
MRS. H. To amuse you. She’ll make an exhibition of you as I’ve made of him; and people will laugh at you. Oh, Pip, can’t you see that? It’s as plain as the noonday Sun. You’ll be trotted about and told lies, and made a fool of like the others. j never made a fool of you, did I?
CAPT. G. (Aside.) What a clever little woman it is!
MRS. H. Well, what have you to say?
CAPT. G. I feel better.
MRS. H. Yes, I suppose so, after I have come down to your level. I couldn’t have done it if I hadn’t cared for you so much. I have spoken the truth.
CAPT. G. It doesn’t alter the situation.
MRS. H. (Passionately.) Then she has said that she cares for you! Don’t believe her, Pip. It’s a lie-as bad as yours to me!
CAPT. G. Ssssteady! I’ve a notion that a friend of yours is looking at you.
MRS. H. He! I hate him. He introduced you to me.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) And some people would like women to assist in making the laws. Introduction to imply condonement. (Aloud.) Well, you see, if you can remember so far back as that, I couldn’t, in’ common politeness, refuse the offer.
MRS. H. In common politeness I We have got beyond that!
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Old ground means fresh trouble. (Aloud.) On my honor
MRS. H. Your what? Ha, ha!
CAPT. G. Dishonor, then. She’s not what you imagine. I meant to-
MRS. H. Don’t tell me anything about her! She won’t care for you, and when you come back, after having made an exhibition of yourself, you’ll find me occupied with-
CAPT. G. (Insolently.) You couldn’t while I am alive. (Aside.) If that doesn’t bring her pride to her rescue, nothing will.
MRS. H. (Drawing herself up.) Couldn’t do it? I’ (Softening.) You’re right. I don’t believe I could-though you are what you are-a coward and a liar in grain.
CAPT. G. It doesn’t hurt so much after your little lecture-with demonstrations.
MRS. H. One mass of vanity! Will nothing ever touch you in this life? There must be a Hereafter if it’s only
for the benefit of-But you will have it all to yourself.
CAPT. G. (Under his eyebrows.) Are you certain of that?
MRS. H. I shall have had mine in this life; and it will serve me right,
CAPT. G. But the admiration that you insisted on so strongly a moment ago? (Aside.) Oh, I am a brute!
MRS. H. (Fiercely.) Will that con-sole me for knowing that you will go to her with the same words, the same arguments, and the-the same pet names you used to me? And if she cares for you, you two will laugh over my story. Won’t that be punishment heavy enough even for me-even for me?-And it’s all useless. That’s another punishment.
CAPT. G. (Feebly.) Oh, come! I’m not so low as you think.
MRS. H. Not now, perhaps, but you will be. Oh, Pip, if a woman flatters your vanity, there’s nothing on earth that you would not tell her; and no meanness that you would not do. Have I known you so long without knowing that?
CAPT. G. If you can trust me in nothing else-and I don’t see why I should be trusted-you can count upon my holding my tongue.
MRS. H. If you denied everything you’ve said this evening and declared it was all in’ fun (a long pause), I’d trust you. Not otherwise. All I ask is, don’t tell her my name. Please don’t. A man might forget: a woman never would. (Looks up table and sees hostess beginning to collect eyes.) So it’s all ended, through no fault of mine-Haven’t I behaved beautifully? I’ve accepted your dismissal, and you managed it as cruelly as you could, and I have made you respect my sex, haven’t I? (Arranging gloves and fan.) I only pray that she’ll know you some day as I know you now. I wouldn’t be you then, for I think even your conceit will be hurt. I hope she’ll pay you back the humiliation you’ve brought on me. I hope- No. I don’t! I can’t give you up! I must have something to look forward to or I shall go crazy. When it’s all over, come back to me, come back to me, and you’ll find that you’re my Pip still!
CAPT. G. (Very clearly.) False move, and you pay for it. It’s a girl!
MRS. H. (Rising.) Then it was true! They said-but I wouldn’t insult you by asking. A girl! I was a girl not very long ago. Be good to her, Pip. I daresay she believes in’ you.
Goes out with an uncertain smile. He watches her through the door, and settles into a chair as the men redistribute themselves.
CAPT. G. Now, if there is any Power who looks after this world, will He kindly tell me what I have done? (Reaching out for the claret, and half aloud.) What have I done?
WITH ANY AMAZEMENT
And are not afraid with any amazement. -Marriage Service.
SCENE.-A bachelor’s bedroom-toilet-table arranged with unnatural neat-ness. CAPTAIN GADSBY asleep and snoring heavily. Time, 10:30 A. M.- a glorious autumn day at Simla. Enter delicately Captain MAFFLIN of GADSBY’s regiment. Looks at sleeper, and shakes his head murmuring “Poor Gaddy.” Performs violent fantasia with hair-brushes on chairback.
CAPT. M. Wake up, my sleeping beauty! (Roars.)
“Uprouse ye, then, my merry merry men! It is our opening day! It is our opening da-ay!”
Gaddy, the little dicky-birds have been billing and cooing for ever so long; and I’m here!
CAPT. G. (Sitting up and yawning.) ‘Mornin’. This is awf’ly good of you, old fellow. Most awf’ly good of you. ‘Don’t know what I should do without you. ‘Pon my soul, I don’t. ‘Haven’t slept a wink all night.
CAPT. M. I didn’t get in till half-past eleven. ‘Had a look at you then, and you seemed to be sleeping as soundly as a condemned criminal.
CAPT. G. Jack, if you want to make those disgustingly worn-out jokes, you’d better go away. (With portentous gravity.) It’s the happiest day in my life.
CAPT. M. (Chuckling grimly.) Not by a very long chalk, my son. You’re going through some of the most refined torture you’ve ever known. But be calm. I am with you. ‘Shun! Dress!
CAPT. G. Eh! Wha-at?
CAPT. M. Do you suppose that you are your own master for the next twelve hours? If you do, of course-(Makes for the door.)
CAPT. G. No! For Goodness’ sake, old man, don’t do that! You’ll see through, won’t you? I’ve been mugging up that beastly drill, and can’t remember a line of it.
CAPT. M. (Overturning G.’s uniform.) Go and tub. Don’t bother me. I’ll give you ten minutes to dress in.
interval, filled by the noise as O/ one splashing in the bath-room..
CAPT. G. (Emerging from dressing-room.) What time is it?
CAPT. M. Nearly eleven.
CAPT. G. Five hours more. O Lord!
CAPT. M. (Aside.) ‘First sign of funk, that. ‘Wonder if it’s going to spread. (Aloud.) Come along to breakfast.
CAPT. G. I can’t eat anything. I don’t want any breakfast.
CAPT. M. (Aside.) So early! (Aloud) CAPTAIN Gadsby, I order you to eat breakfast, and a dashed good break -fast, too. None of your bridal airs and graces with me!
Leads G. downstairs and stands over him while he eats two chops.
CAPT. G. (Who has looked at his watch thrice in the last five minutes.) What time is it?
CAPT. M. Time to come for a walk. Light up.
CAPT. G. I haven’t smoked for ten days, and I won’t now. (Takes cheroot which M. has cut for him, and blows smoke through his nose luxuriously.) We aren’t going down the Mall, are we?
CAPT. M. (Aside.) They’re all alike in these stages. (Aloud.) No, my Vestal. We’re going along the quietest road we can find.
CAPT. G. Any chance of seeing Her? CAPT. M. Innocent! No! Come along, and, if you want me for the final obsequies, don’t cut my eye out with your stick.
CAPT. G. (Spinning round.) I say, isn’t She the dearest creature that ever walked? What’s the time? What comes after “wilt thou take this woman”?
CAPT. M. You go for the ring. R’clect it’ll be on the top of my right-hand little finger, and just be careful how you draw it off, because I shall have the Verger’s fees somewhere in my glove.
CAPT. G. (Walking forward hastily.) D- the Verger! Come along! It’s past twelve and I haven’t seen Her since yesterday evening. (Spinning round again.) She’s an absolute angel, Jack, and She’s a dashed deal too good for me. Look here, does She come up the aisle on my arm, or how?
CAPT. M. If I thought that there was the least chance of your remembering anything for two consecutive minutes, I’d tell you. Stop passaging about like that!
CAPT. G. (Halting in *he middle of the road.) I say, Jack.
CAPT. M. Keep quiet for another ten minutes if you can, you lunatic; and walk!
The two tramp at five miles an hour for fifteen minutes.
CAPT. G. What’s the time? How about the cursed wedding-cake and the slippers? They don’t throw ’em about in church, do they?
CAPT. M. In-variably. The Padre leads off with his boots.
CAPT. G. Confound your silly soul! Don’t make fun of me. I can’t stand it, and I won’t!
CAPT. M. (Untroubled.) So-ooo, old horse You’ll have to sleep for a couple of hours this afternoon.
CAPT. G. (Spinning round.) I’m not going to be treated like a dashed child. understand that
CAPT. M. (Aside.) Nerves gone to fiddle-strings. What a day we’re having! (Tenderly putting his hand on G.’s shoulder.) My David, how long have you known this Jonathan? Would I come up here to make a fool of you-after all these years?
CAPT. G. (Penitently.) I know, I know, Jack-but I’m as upset as I can be. Don’t mind what I say. Just hear me run through the drill and see if I’ve got it all right:-“To have and to hold for better or worse, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, so help me God. Amen.”
CAPT. M. (Suffocating with suppressed laughter.) Yes. That’s about the gist of it. I’ll prompt if you get into a hat.
CAPT. G. (Earnestly.) Yes, you’ll stick by me, Jack, won’t you? I’m awfully happy, but I don’t mind telling you that I’m in a blue funk!
CAPT. M. (Gravely.) Are you? I should never have noticed it. You don’t look like it.
CAPT. G. Don’t I? That’s all right. (Spinning round.) On my soul and honor, Jack, She’s the sweetest little angel that ever came down from the sky. There isn’t a woman on earth fit to speak to Her.
CAPT. M. (Aside.) And this is old Gandy! (Aloud.) Go on if it relieves you.
CAPT. G. You can laugh! That’s all you wild asses of bachelors are fit for.
CAPT. M. (Drawling.) You never would wait for the troop to come up. You aren’t quite married yet, y’know.
CAPT. G. Ugh! That reminds me. I don’t believe I shall be able to get into any boots Let’s go home and try ’em on (Hurries forward.)
CAPT. M. ‘Wouldn’t be in your shoes for anything that Asia has to offer.
CAPT. G. (Spinning round.) That just shows your hideous blackness of soul-your dense stupidity-your brutal narrow-mindedness. There’s only one fault about you. You’re the best of good fellows, and I don’t know what [ should have done without you, but-you aren’t married. (Wags his head gravely.) Take a wife, Jack.
CAPT. M. (With a face like a wall.) Va-as. Whose for choice?
CAPT. G. If you’re going to be a blackguard, I’m going on- What’s the time?
CAPT. M. (Hums.)-
An’ since ’twas very clear we drank only ginger-beer, Faith, there must ha’ been some stingo in the ginger.”
Come back, you maniac. I’m going to take you home, and you’re going to lie down.
CAPT. G. What on earth do I want to lie down for?
CAPT. M. Give me a light from your cheroot and see.
CAPT. G. (Watching cheroot-butt quiver like a tuning-fork.) Sweet state I’m in!
CAPT. M. You are. I’ll get you a peg and you’ll go to sleep.
They return and M. compounds a four-finger peg.
CAPT. G. O bus! bus! It’ll make me as drunk as an owl.
CAPT. M. ‘Curious thing, ‘twon’t have the slightest effect on you. Drink it off, chuck yourself down there, and go to bye-bye.
CAPT. G. It’s absurd. I sha’n’t sleep, I know I sha’n’tl
Falls into heavy doze at end of seven minutes. CAPT. M. watches him tenderly.
CAPT. M. Poor old Gandy! I’ve seen a few turned off before, but never one who went to the gallows in this condition. ‘Can’t tell how it affects ’em, though. It’s the thoroughbreds that sweat when they’re backed into double-harness.-And that’s the man who went through the guns at Amdheran like a devil possessed of devils. (Leans over G.) But this is worse than the guns, old pal-worse than the guns, isn’t it? (G. turns in his sleep, and M. touches him clumsily on the forehead.) Poor, dear old Gaddy I Going like the rest of ’em-going like the rest of ’em-Friend that sticketh closer than a brother-eight years. Dashed bit of a slip of a girl-eight weeks! And-where’s your friend? (Smokes disconsolately till church clock strikes three.)
CAPT. M. Up with you! Get into your kit.
CAPT. C. Already? Isn’t it too soon? Hadn’t I better have a shave?
CAPT. M. No! You’re all right. (Aside.) He’d chip his chin to pieces.
CAPT. C. What’s the hurry?
CAPT. M. You’ve got to be there first.
CAPT. C. To be stared at?
CAPT. M. Exactly. You’re part of the show. Where’s the burnisher? Your spurs are in a shameful state.
CAPT. G. (Gruffly.) Jack, I be damned if you shall do that for me.
CAPT. M. (More gruffly.) Dry’ up and get dressed! If I choose to clean your spurs, you’re under my orders.
CAPT. G. dresses. M. follows suit.
CAPT. M. (Critically, walking round.) M’yes, you’ll do. Only don’t look so like a criminal. Ring, gloves, fees-that’s all right for me. Let your moustache alone. Now, if the ponies are ready, we’ll go.
CAPT. G. (Nervously.) It’s much too soon. Let’s light up! Let’s have a peg! Let’s-CAPT. M. Let’s make bally asses of ourselves!
“Good-peo-ple-all To prayers-we call.”
CAPT. M. There go the bells! Come an-unless you’d rather not. (They ride off.)
“We honor the King And Brides joy do bring- Good tidings we tell, And ring the Dead’s knell.”
CAPT. G. (Dismounting at the door of the Church.) I say, aren’t we much too soon? There are no end of people inside. I say, aren’t we much too late? Stick by me, Jack! What the devil do I do?
CAPT. M. Strike an attitude at the bead of the aisle and wait for Her. (G. groans as M. wheels him into position he/ore three hundred eyes.)
CAPT. M. (Imploringly.) Gaddy, if you love me, for pity’s sake, for the Honor of the Regiment, stand up! Chuck yourself into your uniform! Look like a man! I’ve got to speak to the Padre a minute. (G. breaks into a gentle Perspiration.) your face I’ll never man again. Stand up! visibly.) If you wipe your face I’ll never be your best man again. Stand up! (G. Trembles visibly.)
CAPT. M. (Returning.) She’s commg now. Look out when the music starts. There’s the organ beginning to clack.
Bride steps out of ‘rickshaw at Church door. G. catches a glimpse o/ her and takes heart.
“The Voice that breathed o’er Eden, That earliest marriage day, The primal marriage-blessing, It hath not passed away.”
CAPT. M. (Watching G.) By Jove! He is looking well. ‘Didn’t think he had it in him.
CAPT. G. How long does this hymn go on for?
CAPT. M. It will be over directly. (Ansiously.) Beginning to vleach and gulp. Hold on, Gabby, and think o’ the Regiment.
CAPT. G. (Measuredly.) I say there’s a big brown lizard crawling up that wall.
CAPT. M. My Sainted Mother! The last stage of collapse!
Bride comes Up to left of altar, lifts her eyes once to G., who is suddenly smitten mad.
CAPT. G. (TO himself again and again.) Little Featherweight’s a woman-a woman! And I thought she was a little girl.
CAPT. M. (In a whisper.) Form the halt-inward wheel.
CAPT. G. obeys mechanically and the ceremony proceeds.
PADRE. . . . only unto her as ye both shall live?
CAPT. G. (His throat useless.) Ha-hmmm!
CAPT. M. Say you will or you won’t. There’s no second deal here.
Bride gives response with perfect coomess, and is given away by the father.
CAPT. G. (Thinking to show his learning.) Jack give me away now, quick!
CAPT. M. You’ve given yourself away quite enough. Her right hand, man! Repeat! Repeat! “Theodore Philip.” Have you forgotten your own name?
CAPT. G. stumbles through Affirmation, which Bride repeats without a tremor.
CAPT. M. Now the ring! Follow the Padre! Don’t pull off my glove! Here it is! Great Cupid, he’s found his voice.
CAPT. G. repeats Troth in a voice to be heard to the end of the Church and turns on his heel.
CAPT. M. (Desperately.) Rein back! Back to your troop! ‘Tisn’t half legal yet.
PADRE. . . . joined together let no man put asunder.
CAPT. G. paralyzed with fear jibs after Blessing.
CAPT. M. (Quickly.) On your own front-one length. Take her with you. I don’t come. You’ve nothing to say. (CAPT. G. jingles up to altar.)
CAPT. M. (In a piercing rattle meant to be a whisper.) Kneel, you stiff-necked ruffian! Kneel!
PADRE. . . whose daughters are ye so long as ye do well and are not afraid with any amazement.
CAPT. M. Dismiss! Break off! Left wheel!
All troop to vestry. They sign.
CAPT. M. Kiss Her, Gaddy.
CAPT. G. (Rubbing the ink into his glove.) Eh! Wha-at?
CAPT. M. (Taking one pace to Bride.) If you don’t, I shall.
CAPT. G. (Interposing an arm.) Not this journey!
General kissing, in which CAPT. G. is pursued by unknown female.
CAPT. G. (Faintly to M.) This is Hades! Can I wipe my face now?
CAPT. M. My responsibility has ended. Better ask Misses GADSAY.
CAPT. G. winces as though shot and procession is Mendelssohned out of Church to house, where usual tortures take place over the wedding-cake.
CAPT. M. (At table.) Up with you, Gaddy. They expect a speech.
CAPT. G. (After three minutes’ agony.) Ha-hmmm. (Thunders Of applause.)
CAPT. M. Doocid good, for a first attempt. Now go and change your kit while Mamma is weeping over_”the Missus.” (CAPT. G. disappears. CAPT. M. starts up tearing his hair.) It’s not half legal. Where are the shoes? Get an ayah.
AVAH. Missie Captain Sahib done gone band karo all the jutis.
CAPT. M. (Brandishing scab larded sword.) Woman, produce those shoes Some one lend me a bread-knife. We mustn’t crack Gaddy’s head more than it is. (Slices heel off white satin slipper and puts slipper up his sleeve.)
Where is the Bride? (To the company at large.) Be tender with that rice. It’s a heathen custom. Give me the big bag.
* * * * * *
Bride slips out quietly into ‘rickshaw and departs toward the sun-set.
CAPT. M. (In the open.) Stole away, by Jove! So much the worse for Gaddy! Here he is. Now Gaddy, this’ll be livelier than Amdberan! Where’s your horse?
CAPT. G. (Furiously, seeing that the women are out of an earshot.) Where the-is my Wife?
CAPT. M. Half-way to Mahasu by this time. You’ll have to ride like Young Lochinvar.
Horse comes round on his hind legs; refuses to let G. handle him.
CAPT. G. Oh you will, will you? Get ’round, you brute-you hog-you beast! Get round!
Wrenches horse’s head over, nearly breaking lower jaw: swings himself into saddle, and sends home both spurs in the midst of a spattering gale of Best Patna.
CAPT. M. For your life and your love-ride, Gaddy -And God bless you!
Throws half a pound of rice at G. who disappears, bowed forward on the saddle, in a cloud of sun-lit dust.
CAPT. M. I’ve lost old Gaddy. (Lights cigarette and strolls off, singing absently):-
“You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card, That a young man married is a young man marred!”
Miss DEERCOURT. (From her horse.) Really, Captain Mafflin! You are more plain spoken than polite!
CAPT. M. (Aside.) They say marriage is like cholera. ‘Wonder who’ll be the next victim.
White satin slipper slides from his sleeve and falls at his feet. Left wondering.
THE GARDEN OF EDEN And ye shall be as-Gods!
SCENE.-Thymy grass-plot at back of t!’e Mahasu dak-bungalow, overlooking little wooded valley. On the left, glimpse of the Dead Forest of Fagoo; on the right, Simla Hills. In background, line of the Snows. CAPTAIN GADSBY, now three weeks a husband, is smoking the pipe of peace on a rug in the sunshine. Banjo and tobacco-pouch on rug. Overhead the Fagoo eagles. MRS. G. comes out of bungalow.
MRS. G. My husband! CAPT. G. (Lazily, with intense enjoyment.) Eb, wha-at? Say that again.
MRS. G. I’ve written to Mamma and told her that we shall be back on the 17th.
CAPT. G. Did you give her my love?
MRS. G. No, I kept all that for myself. (Sitting down by his side.) I thought you wouldn’t mind.
CAPT. G. (With mock sternness.) I object awf’ly. How did you know that it was yours to keep?
MRS. G. I guessed, Phil.
CAPT. G. (Rapturously.) Lit-tle Featherweight!
MRS. G. I won’ t be called those sporting pet names, bad boy.
CAPT. G. You’ll be called anything I choose. Has it ever occurred to you, Madam, that you are my Wife?
MRS. G. It has. I haven’t ceased wondering at it yet.
CAPT. G. Nor I. It seems so strange; and yet, somehow, it doesn’t. (Confidently.) You see, it could have been no one else.
MRS. G. (Softly.) No. No one else -for me or for you. It must have been all arranged from the beginning. Phil, tell me again what made you care for me.
CAPT. G. How could I help it? You were you, you know.
MRS. G. Did you ever want to help it? Speak the truth!
CAPT. G. (A twinkle in his eye.) I did, darling, just at the first. Rut only at the very first. (Chuckles.) I called you-stoop low and I’ll whisper-“a little beast.” Ho! Ho! Ho!
MRS. G. (Taking him by the mous’ache and making him sit up.) “A-little-beast!” Stop laughing over your crime! And yet you had the-the -awful cheek to propose to me!
CAPT. C. I’d changed my mind then. And you weren’t a little beast any more.
MRS. G. Thank you, sir! And when was I ever?
CAPT. G. Never! But that first day, when you gave me tea in that peach-colored muslin gown thing, you looked-you did indeed, dear-such an absurd little mite. And I didn’t know what to say to you.
MRS. G. (Twisting moustache.) So you said “little beast.” Upon my word, Sir! I called you a “Crrrreature,” but I wish now I had called you something worse.
CAPT. G. (Very meekly.) I apologize, but you’re hurting me awf’ly. (Interlude.) You’re welcome to torture me again on those terms.
MRS. G. Oh, why did you let me do it?
CAPT. G. (Looking across valley.) No reason in particular, but-if it amused you or did you any good-you might-wipe those dear little boots of yours on me.
MRS. G. (Stretching out her hands.) Don’t! Oh, don’t! Philip, my King, please don’t talk like that. It’s how I feel. You’re so much too good for me. So much too good!
CAPT. G. Me! I’m not fit to put my arm around you. (Puts it round.)
MRS. C. Yes, you are. But I-what have I ever done?
CAPT. G. Given me a wee bit of your heart, haven’t you, my Queen!
MRS. G. That’s nothing. Any one would do that. They cou-couldn’t help it.
CAPT. G. Pussy, you’ll make me horribly conceited. Just when I was beginning to feel so humble, too.
MRS. G. Humble! I don’t believe it’s in your character.
CAPT. G. What do you know of my character, Impertinence?
MRS. G. Ah, but I shall, shan’t I, Phil? I shall have time in all the years and years to come, to know everything about you; and there will be no secrets between us.
CAPT. G. Little witch! I believe you know me thoroughly already.
MRS. G. I think I can guess. You’re selfish?
CAPT. G. Yes.
MRS. G. Foolish?
CAPT. G. Very.
MRS. G. And a dear?