The Magic Egg and Other Stories by Frank Stockton (page 3)

to take it along, no matter where he was goin’. Now you get it, please, quick.”

“My notion is,” said he, when I returned from the kitchen with the case, “that you mix somethin’ that might soothe her a little, if she has got anything the matter with her brain, and which won’t hurt her if she hasn’t. And then, when I take it up to her, you tell me what symptoms to look for. I can do it–I have spent nights lookin’ for symptoms. Then, when I come down and report, you might send her up somethin’ that would keep her from gettin’ any wuss till the doctor can come in the mornin’, for he ain’t comin’ here to-night.”

“A very good plan,” said I. “Now, what can I give her? What is the patient’s age?”

“Oh, her age don’t matter much,” said Uncle Beamish, impatiently. “She may be twenty, more or less, and any mild stuff will do to begin with.”

“I will give her some sweet spirits of nitre,” said I, taking out a little vial. “Will you ask the servant for a glass of water and a teaspoon?”

“Now,” said I, when I had quickly prepared the mixture, “she can have a teaspoonful of this, and another in ten minutes, and then we will see whether we will go on with it or not.”
“And what am I to look for?” said he.
“In the first place,” said I, producing a clinical thermometer, “you must take her temperature. You know how to do that?”
“Oh, yes,” said he. “I have done it hundreds of times. She must hold it in her mouth five minutes.”
“Yes, and while you are waiting,” I continued, “you must try to find out, in the first place, if there are, or have been, any signs of delirium. You might ask the old lady, and besides, you may be able to judge for yourself.”

“I can do that,” said he. “I have seen lots of it.”
“Then, again,” said I, “you must observe whether or not her pupils are dilated. You might also inquire whether there had been any partial paralysis or numbness in any part of the body. These things must be looked for in brain trouble. Then you can come down, ostensibly to prepare another prescription, and when you have reported, I have no doubt I can give you something which will modify, or I should say–“

“Hold her where she is till mornin’,” said Uncle Beamish. “That’s what you mean. Be quick. Give me that thermometer and the tumbler, and when I come down again, I reckon you can fit her out with a prescription just as good as anybody.”
He hurried away, and I sat down to consider. I was full of ambition, full of enthusiasm for the practice of my profession. I would have been willing to pay largely for the privilege of undertaking an important case by myself, in which it would depend upon me whether or not I should call in a consulting brother. So far, in the cases I had undertaken, a consulting brother had always called himself in–that is, I had practised in hospitals or with my uncle. Perhaps it might be found necessary, notwithstanding all that had been said against me, that I should go up to take charge of this case. I wished I had not forgotten to ask the old man how he had found the tongue and pulse.
In less than a quarter of an hour Uncle Beamish returned.
“Well,” said I, quickly, “what are the symptoms?”
“I’ll give them to you,” said he, taking his seat. “I’m not in such a hurry now, because I told the old woman I would like to wait a little and see how that fust medicine acted. The patient spoke to me this time. When I took the thermometer out of her mouth she says, `You are comin’ up ag’in, doctor?’ speakin’ low and quickish, as if she wanted nobody but me to hear.”
“But how about the symptoms?” said I, impatiently.
“Well,” he answered, “in the fust place her temperature is ninety-eight and a half, and that’s about nat’ral, I take it.”
“Yes,” I said, “but you didn’t tell me about her tongue and pulse.”

“There wasn’t nothin’ remarkable about them,” said he.
“All of which means,” I remarked, “that there is no fever. But that is not at all a necessary accompaniment of brain derangements. How about the dilatation of her pupils?”
“There isn’t none,” said Uncle Beamish; “they are ruther squinched up, if anything. And as to delirium, I couldn’t see no signs of it, and when I asked the old lady about the numbness, she said she didn’t believe there had been any.”
“No tendency to shiver, no disposition to stretch?”
“No,” said the old man, “no chance for quinine.”
“The trouble is,” said I, standing before the stove and fixing my mind upon the case with earnest intensity, “that there are so few symptoms in brain derangement. If I could only get hold of something tangible–“

“If I was you,” interrupted Uncle Beamish, “I wouldn’t try to get hold of nothin’. I would just give her somethin’ to keep her where she is till mornin’. If you can do that, I’ll guarantee that any good doctor can take her up and go on with her to- morrow.”

Without noticing the implication contained in these remarks, I continued my consideration of the case.

“If I could get a drop of her blood,” said I.
“No, no!” exclaimed Uncle Beamish, “I’m not goin’ to do anything of that sort. What in the name of common sense would you do with her blood?”

“I would examine it microscopically,” I said. “I might find out all I want to know.”

Uncle Beamish did not sympathize with this method of diagnosis.
“If you did find out there was the wrong kind of germs, you couldn’t do anything with them to-night, and it would just worry you,” said the old man. “I believe that nature will get along fust-rate without any help, at least till mornin’. But you’ve got to give her some medicine–not so much for her good as for our good. If she’s not treated we’re bounced. Can’t you give her somethin’ that would do anybody good, no matter what’s the matter with ’em? If it was the spring of the year I would say sarsaparilla. If you could mix her up somethin’ and put into it some of them benevolent microbes the doctors talk about, it would be a good deed to do to anybody.”

“The benign bacilli,” said I. “Unfortunately I haven’t any of them with me.”

“And if you had,” he remarked, “I’d be in favor of givin’ ’em to the old woman. I take it they would do, her more good than anybody else. Come along now, doctor; it is about time for me to go up-stairs and see how the other stuff acted–not on the patient, I don’t mean, but on the old woman. The fact is, you know, it’s her we’re dosin’.”

“Not at all,” said I, speaking a little severely. “I am trying to do my very best for the patient, but I fear I cannot do it without seeing her. Don’t you think that if you told the old lady how absolutely necessary–“

“Don’t say anything more about that!” exclaimed Uncle Beamish. “I hoped I wouldn’t have to mention it, but she told me ag’in that she would never have one of those unfledged medical students, just out of the egg-shell, experimentin’ on any of her family, and from what she said about you in particular, I should say she considered you as a medical chick without even down on you.”

“What can she know of me?” I asked indignantly.
“Give it up,” said he. “Can’t guess it. But that ain’t the p’int. The p’int is, what are you goin’ to give her? When I was young the doctors used to say, When you are in doubt, give calomel–as if you were playin’ trumps.”
“Nonsense, nonsense,” said I, my eyes earnestly fixed upon my open medical case.

“I suppose a mustard-plaster on the back of her neck–”
“Wouldn’t do at all,” I interrupted. “Wait a minute, now– yes–I know what I will do: I will give her sodium bromide–ten grains.”

“`Which will hit if it’s a deer and miss if it’s a calf’ as the hunter said?” inquired Uncle Beamish.
“It will certainly not injure her,” said I, “and I am quite sure it will be a positive advantage. If there has been cerebral disturbance, which has subsided temporarily, it will assist her to tide over the interim before its recurrence.”
“All right,” said Uncle Beamish, “give it to me, and I’ll be off. It’s time I showed up ag’in.”

He did not stay up-stairs very long this time.
“No symptoms yit, but the patient looked at me as if she wanted to say somethin’; but she didn’t git no chance, for the old lady set herself down as if she was planted in a garden-bed and intended to stay there. But the patient took the medicine as mild as a lamb.”

“That is very good,” said I. “It may be that she appreciates the seriousness of her ewe better than we do.”
“I should say she wants to git well,” he replied. “She looks like that sort of a person to me. The old woman said she thought we would have to stay awhile till the storm slackened, and I said, yes, indeed, and there wasn’t any chance of its slackenin’ to-night; besides, I wanted to see the patient before bedtime.”
At this moment the door opened and the servant-woman came in.
“She says you are to have supper, and it will be ready in about half an hour. One of you had better go out and attend to your horse, for the man is not coming back to-night.”
“I will go to the barn,” said I, rising. Uncle Beamish also rose and said he would go with me.

“I guess you can find some hay and oats,” said the woman, as we were putting on our coats and overshoes in the kitchen, “and here’s a lantern. We don’t keep no horse now, but there’s feed left.”

As we pushed through the deep snow into the barn, Uncle Beamish said:

“I’ve been tryin’ my best to think where we are without askin’ any questions, and I’m dead beat. I don’t remember no such house as this on the road.”

“Perhaps we got off the road,” said I.
“That may be,” said he, as we entered the barn. “It’s a straight road from Warburton to the pike near my sister’s house, but there’s two other roads that branch off to the right and strike the pike further off to the east. Perhaps we got on one of them in all that darkness and perplexin’ whiteness, when it wasn’t easy to see whether we were keepin’ a straight road or not.”
The horse neighed as we approached with a light.
“I would not be at all surprised,” said I, “if this horse had once belonged here and that was the reason why, as soon as he got a chance, he turned and made straight for his old home.”
“That isn’t unlikely,” said Uncle Beamish, “and that’s the reason we did not pass Crocker’s. But here we are, wherever it is, and here we’ve got to stay till mornin’.”
We found hay and oats and a pump in the corner of the wagon- house, and having put the horse in the stall and made him as comfortable as possible with some old blankets, we returned to the house, bringing our valises with us.
Our supper was served in the sitting-room because there was a good fire there, and the servant told us we would have to eat by ourselves, as “she” was not coming down.
“We’ll excuse her,” said Uncle Beamish, with an alacrity of expression that might have caused suspicion.
We had a good supper, and were then shown a room on the first floor on the other side of the hall, where the servant said we were to sleep.

We sat by the stove awhile, waiting for developments, but as Uncle Beamish’s bedtime was rapidly approaching, he sent word to the sick-chamber that he was coming up for his final visit.
This time he stayed up-stairs but a few minutes.
“She’s fast asleep,” said he, “and the old woman says she’ll call me if I’m needed in the night, and you’ll have to jump up sharp and overhaul that medicine-case if that happens.”
The next morning, and very early in the morning, I was awaked by Uncle Beamish, who stood at my side.

“Look here,” said he, “I’ve been outside. It’s stopped snowin’ and it’s clearin’ off. I’ve been to the barn and I’ve fed the horse, and I tell you what I’m in favor of doin’. There’s nobody up yit, and I don’t want to stay here and make no explanations to that old woman. I don’t fancy gittin’ into rows on Christmas mornin’. We’ve done all the good we can here, and the best thing we can do now is to git away before anybody is up, and leave a note sayin’ that we’ve got to go on without losin’ time, and that we will send another doctor as soon as possible. My sister’s doctor don’t live fur away from her, and I know she will be willin’ to send for him. Then our duty will be done, and what the old woman thinks of us won’t make no, difference to nobody.”
“That plan suits me,” said I, rising. “I don’t want to stay here, and as I am not to be allowed to see the patient, there is no reason why I should stay. What we have done will more than pay for our supper and lodgings, so that our consciences are clear.”

“But you must write a note,” said Uncle Beamish. “Got any paper?”

I tore a leaf from my note-book, and went to the window, where it was barely light enough for me to see how to write.
“Make it short,” said the old man. “I’m awful fidgety to git off.”

I made it very short, and then, valises in hand, we quietly took our way to the kitchen.

“How this floor does creak!” said Uncle Beamish. “Git on your overcoat and shoes as quick as you can, and we’ll leave the note on this table.”

I had just shaken myself into my overcoat when Uncle Beamish gave a subdued exclamation, and quickly turning, I saw entering the kitchen a female figure in winter wraps and carrying a hand-bag.
“By George!” whispered the old man, “it’s the patient!”
The figure advanced directly toward me.
“Oh, Dr. Glover!” she whispered, “I am so glad to get down before you went away!”

I stared in amazement at the speaker, but even in the dim light I recognized her. This was the human being whose expected presence at the Collingwood mansion was taking me there to spend Christmas.

“Kitty!” I exclaimed–“Miss Burroughs, I mean,–what is the meaning of this?”

“Don’t ask me for any meanings now,” she said. “I want you and your uncle to take me to the Collingwoods’. I suppose you are on your way there, for they wrote you were coming. And oh! let us be quick, for I’m afraid Jane will come down, and she will be sure to wake up aunty. I saw one of you go out to the barn, and knew you intended to leave, so I got ready just as fast as I could. But I must leave some word for aunty.”
“I have written a note,” said I. “But are you well enough to travel?”

“Just let me add a line to it,” said she. “I am as well as I ever was.”

I gave her a pencil, and she hurriedly wrote something on the paper which I had left on the kitchen table. Then, quickly glancing around, she picked up a large carving-fork, and sticking it through the paper into the soft wood of the table, she left it standing there.

“Now it won’t blow away when we open the door,” she whispered. “Come on.”

“You cannot go out to the barn,” I said; “we will bring up the sleigh.”

“Oh, no, no, no,” she answered, “I must not wait here. If I once get out of the house I shall feel safe. Of course I shall go anyway, but I don’t want any quarrelling on this Christmas morning.”

“I’m with you there,” said Uncle Beamish, approvingly. “Doctor, we can take her to the barn without her touching the snow. Let her sit in this arm-chair, and we can carry her between us. She’s no weight.”

In half a minute the kitchen door was softly closed behind us, and we were carrying Miss Burroughs to the barn. My soul was in a wild tumult. Dozens of questions were on my tongue, but I had no chance to ask any of them.

Uncle Beamish and I returned to the porch for the valises, and then, closing the back door, we rapidly began to make preparations for leaving.

“I suppose,” said Uncle Beamish, as we went into the stable, leaving Miss Burroughs in the wagon-house, “that this business is all right? You seem to know the young woman, and she is of age to act for herself.”

“Whatever she wants to do,” I answered, “is perfectly right. You may trust to that. I do not understand the matter any more than you do, but I know she is expected at the Collingwoods’, and wants to go there.”

“Very good,” said Uncle Beamish. “We’ll git away fust and ask explanations afterwards.”

“Dr. Glover,” said Miss Burroughs, as we led the horse into the wagon-house, “don’t put the bells on him. Stuff them gently under the seat–as softly as you can. But how are we all to go away? I have been looking at that sleigh, and it is intended only for two.”

“It’s rather late to think of that, miss,” said Uncle Beamish, “but there’s one thing that’s certain. We’re both very polite to ladies, but neither of us is willin’ to be left behind on this trip. But it’s a good-sized sleigh, and we’ll all pack in, well enough. You and me can sit on the seat, and the doctor can stand up in front of us and drive. In old times it was considered the right thing for the driver of the sleigh to stand up and do his drivin’.”

The baggage was carefully stowed away, and, after a look around the dimly lighted wagon-house, Miss Burroughs and Uncle Beamish got into the sleigh, and I tucked the big fur robe around them.
“I hate to make a journey before breakfast,” said Uncle Beamish, as I was doing this, “especially on Christmas mornin’, but somehow or other there seems to be somethin’ jolly about this business, and we won’t have to wait so long for breakfast, nuther. It can’t be far from my sister’s, and we’ll all stop there and have breakfast. Then you two can leave me and go on. She’ll be as glad to see any friends of mine as if they were her own. And she’ll be pretty sure, on a mornin’ like this, to have buckwheat cakes and sausages.”

Miss Burroughs looked at the old man with a puzzled air, but she asked him no questions.

“How are you going to keep yourself warm, Dr. Glover?” she said.

“Oh, this long ulster will be enough for me,” I replied, “and as I shall stand up, I could not use a robe, if we had another.”
In fact, the thought of being with Miss Burroughs and the anticipation of a sleigh-ride alone with her after we had left Uncle Beamish with his sister, had put me into such a glow that I scarcely knew it was cold weather.
“You’d better be keerful, doctor,” said Uncle Beamish. “You don’t want to git rheumatism in your j’ints on this Christmas mornin’. Here’s this horse-blanket that we are settin’ on. We don’t need it, and you’d better wrap it round you, after you git in, to keep your legs warm.”

“Oh, do! ” said Miss Burroughs. “It may look funny, but we will not meet anybody so early as this.”
“All right!” said I, “and now we are ready to start.”
I slid back the barn door and then led the horse outside. Closing the door, and making as little noise as possible in doing it, I got into the sleigh, finding plenty of room to stand up in front of my companions. Now I wrapped the horse-blanket about the lower part of my body, and as I had no belt with which to secure it, Miss Burroughs kindly offered to fasten it round my waist by means of a long pin which she took from her hat. It is impossible to describe the exhilaration that pervaded me as she performed this kindly office. After thanking her warmly, I took the reins and we started.

“It is so lucky,” whispered Miss Burroughs, “that I happened to think about the bells. We don’t make any noise at all.”
This was true. The slowly uplifted hoofs of the horse descended quietly into the soft snow, and the sleigh-runners slipped along without a sound.

“Drive straight for the gate, doctor,” whispered Uncle Beamish. “It don’t matter nothin’ about goin’ over flower-beds and grass-plats in such weather.”

I followed his advice, for no roadway could be seen. But we had gone but a short distance when the horse suddenly stopped.
“What’s the matter?” asked Miss Burroughs, in a low voice. “Is it too deep for him?”

“We’re in a drift,” said Uncle Beamish. “But it’s not too deep. Make him go ahead, doctor.”

I clicked gently and tapped the horse with the whip, but he did not move.

“What a dreadful thing,” whispered Miss Burroughs, leaning forward, “for him to stop so near the house! Dr. Glover, what does this mean?” And, as she spoke, she half rose behind me. “Where did Sir Rohan come from?”

“Who’s he?” asked Uncle Beamish, quickly.
“That horse,” she answered. “That’s my aunt’s horse. She sold him a few days ago.”

“By George! ” ejaculated Uncle Beamish, unconsciously raising his voice a little. “Wilson bought him, and his bringin’ us here is as plain as A B C. And now he don’t want to leave home.”
“But he has got to do it,” said I, jerking the horse’s head to one side and giving him a cut with the whip.
“Don’t whip him,” whispered Miss Burroughs; “it always makes him more stubborn. How glad I am I thought of the bells! The only way to get him to go is to mollify him.”
“But how is that to be done?” I asked anxiously.

“You must give him sugar and pat his neck. If I had some sugar and could get out–“

“But you haven’t it, and you can’t git out,” said Uncle Beamish. “Try him again doctor!”

I jerked the reins impatiently. “Go along!” said I. But he did not go along.

“Haven’t you got somethin’ in your medicine-case you could mollify him with?” said Uncle Beamish. “Somethin’ sweet that he might like?”

For an instant I caught at this absurd suggestion, and my mind ran over the contents of my little bottles. If I had known his character, some sodium bromide in his morning feed might, by this time, have mollified his obstinacy.
“If I could be free of this blanket,” said I, fumbling at the pin behind me, “I would get out and lead him into the road.”
“You could not do it,” said Miss Burroughs. “You might pull his head off, but he wouldn’t move. I have seen him tried.”
At this moment a window-sash in the second story of the house was raised, and there, not thirty feet from us, stood an elderly female, wrapped in a gray shawl, with piercing eyes shining through great spectacles.

“You seem to be stuck,” said she, sarcastically. “You are worse stuck than the fork was in my kitchen table.”
We made no answer. I do not know how Miss Burroughs looked or felt, or what was the appearance of Uncle Beamish, but I know I must have been very red in the face. I gave the horse a powerful crack and shouted to him to go on. There was no need for low speaking now.

“You needn’t be cruel to dumb animals,” said the old lady, “and you can’t budge him. He never did like snow, especially in going away from home. You cut a powerful queer figure, young man, with that horse-blanket around you. You don’t look much like a practising physician.”

“Miss Burroughs,” I exclaimed, “please take that pin out of this blanket. If I can get at his head I know I can pull him around and make him go.”

But she did not seem to hear me. “Aunty,” she cried, “it’s a shame to stand there and make fun of us. We have got a perfect right to go away if we want to, and we ought not to be laughed at.”

The old lady paid no attention to this remark.
“And there’s that false doctor,” she said. “I wonder how he feels just now.”

“False doctor!” exclaimed Miss Burroughs. “I don’t understand.”
“Young lady,” said Uncle Beamish, “I’m no false doctor. I intended to tell you all about it as soon as I got a chance, but I haven’t had one. And, old lady, I’d like you to know that I don’t say I’m a doctor, but I do say I’m a nuss, and a good nuss, and you can’t deny it.”

To this challenge the figure at the window made no answer.
“Catherine,” said she, “I can’t stand here and take cold, but I just want to know one thing: Have you positively made up your mind to marry that young doctor in the horse-blanket?”
This question fell like a bomb-shell into the middle of the stationary sleigh.

I had never asked Kitty to marry me. I loved her with all my heart and soul, and I hoped, almost believed, that she loved me. It had been my intention, when we should be left together in the sleigh this morning, after dropping Uncle Beamish at his sister’s house, to ask her to marry me.

The old woman’s question pierced me as if it had been a flash of lightning coming through the frosty air of a winter morning. I dropped the useless reins and turned. Kitty’s face was ablaze. She made a movement as if she was about to jump out of the sleigh and flee.

“Oh, Kitty!” said I, bending down toward her, “tell her yes! I beg I entreat, I implore you to tell her yes! Oh, Kitty! if you don’t say yes I shall never know another happy day.”
For one moment Kitty looked up into my face, and then said she:
“It is my positive intention to marry him!”
With the agility of a youth, Uncle Beamish threw the robe from him and sprang out into the deep snow. Then, turning toward us, he took off his hat.

“By George!” said he, “you’re a pair of trumps. I never did see any human bein’s step up to the mark more prompt. Madam,” he cried, addressing the old lady, “you ought to be the proudest woman in this county at seein’ such a thing as this happen under your window of a Christmas mornin’. And now the best thing that you can do is to invite us all in to have breakfast.” “You’ll have to come in,” said she, “or else stay out there and freeze to death, for that horse isn’t going to take you away.

And if my niece really intends to marry the young man, and has gone so far as to start to run away with him,–and with a false doctor,–of course I’ve got no more to say about it, and you can come in and have breakfast.” And with that she shut down the window.

“That’s talkin’,” said Uncle Beamish. “Sit still, doctor, and I’ll lead him around to the back door. I guess he’ll move quick enough when you want him to turn back.”
Without the slightest objection Sir Rohan permitted himself to be turned back and led up to the kitchen porch.
“Now you two sparklin’ angels get out,” said Uncle Beamish, “and go in. I’ll attend to the horse.”

Jane, with a broad grin on her face, opened the kitchen door.
“Merry Christmas to you both!” said she.
“Merry Christmas!” we cried, and each of us shook her by the hand.

“Go in the sitting-room and get warm,” said Jane. “She’ll be down pretty soon.”

I do not know how long we were together in that sitting-room. We had thousands of things to say, and we said most of them. Among other things, we managed to get in some explanations of the occurrences of the previous night. Kitty told her tale briefly. She and her aunt, to whom she was making a visit, and who wanted her to make her house her home, had had a quarrel two days before. Kitty was wild to go to the Collingwoods’, and the old lady, who, for some reason, hated the family, was determined she should not go. But Kitty was immovable, and never gave up until she found that her aunt had gone so far as to dispose of her horse, thus making it impossible to travel in such weather, there being no public conveyances passing the house. Kitty was an orphan, and had a guardian who would have come to her aid, but she could not write to him in time, and, in utter despair, she went to bed. She would not eat or drink, she would not speak, and she covered up her head.

“After a day and a night,” said Kitty, “aunty got dreadfully frightened and thought something was the matter with my brain. Her family are awfully anxious about their brains. I knew she had sent for the doctor and I was glad of it, for I thought he would help me. I must say I was surprised when I first saw that Mr. Beamish, for I thought he was Dr. Morris. Now tell me about your coming here.”

“And so,” she said, when I had finished, “you had no idea that you were prescribing for me! Please do tell me what were those medicines you sent up to me and which I took like a truly good girl.”

“I didn’t know it at the time,” said I, “but I sent you sixty drops of the deepest, strongest love in a glass of water, and ten grains of perfect adoration.”

“Nonsense!” said Kitty, with a blush, and at that moment Uncle Beamish knocked at the door.

“I thought I’d just step in and tell you,” said he, “that breakfast will be comin’ along in a minute. I found they were goin’ to have buckwheat cakes, anyway, and I prevailed on Jane to put sausages in the bill of fare. Merry Christmas to you both! I would like to say more, but here comes the old lady and Jane.”
The breakfast was a strange meal, but a very happy one. The old lady was very dignified. She made no allusion to Christmas or to what had happened, but talked to Uncle Beamish about people in Warburton.

I have a practical mind, and, in spite of the present joy, I could not help feeling a little anxiety about what was to be done when breakfast was over. But just as we were about to rise from the table we were all startled by a great jingle of sleigh-bells outside. The old lady arose and stopped to the window.
“There!” said she, turning toward us. “Here’s a pretty kettle of fish! There’s a two-horse sleigh outside, with a man driving, and a gentleman in the back seat who I am sure is Dr. Morris, and he has come all the way on this bitter cold morning to see the patient I sent for him to come to. Now, who is going to tell him he has come on a fool’s errand?”
“Fool’s errand!” I cried. “Every one of you wait in here and I’ll go out and tell him.”

When I dashed out of doors and stood by the side of my uncle’s sleigh, he was truly an amazed man.
“I will get in, uncle,” said I, “and if you will let John drive the horses slowly around the yard, I will tell you how I happen to be here.”

The story was a much longer one than I expected it to be, and John must have driven those horses backward and forward for half an hour.

“Well,” said my uncle, at last, “I never saw your Kitty, but I knew her father and her mother, and I will go in and take a look at her. If I like her, I will take you all on to the Collingwoods’, and drop Uncle Beamish at his sister’s house.”

“I’ll tell you what it is, young doctor,” said Uncle Beamish, at parting, “you ought to buy that big roan horse. He has been a regular guardian angel to us this Christmas.”
“Oh, that would never do at all,” cried Kitty. “His patients would all die before he got there.”

“That is, if they had anything the matter with them,” added my uncle.

A PIECE OF RED CALICO

Before beginning the relation of the following incidents, I wish to state that I am a young married man, doing business in a large city, in the suburbs of which I live.

I was going into town the other morning, when my wife handed me a little piece of red calico, and asked me if I would have time, during the day, to buy her two yards and a half of calico like it. I assured her that it would be no trouble at all, and putting the piece of calico in my pocket, I took the train for the city.

At lunch-time I stopped in at a large dry-goods store to attend to my wife’s commission. I saw a well-dressed man walking the floor between the counters, where long lines of girls were waiting on much longer lines of customers, and asked him where I could see some red calico.

“This way, sir,” and he led me up the store. “Miss Stone,” said he to a young lady, “show this gentleman some red calico.”
“What shade do you want!” asked Miss Stone.
I showed her the little piece of calico that my wife had given me. She looked at it and handed it back to me. Then she took down a great roll of red calico and spread it out on the counter.

“Why, that isn’t the shade!” said I.
“No, not exactly,” said she. “But it is prettier than your sample.”

“That may be,” said I. “But, you see, I want to match this piece. There is something already in my house, made of this kind of calico, which needs to be made larger, or mended, or something. I want some calico of the same shade.”
The girl made no answer, but took down another roll.
“That’s the shade,” said she.

“Yes,” I replied, “but it’s striped.”
“Stripes are more worn than anything else in calicoes,” said she.

“Yes. But this isn’t to be worn. It’s for furniture, I think. At any rate, I want perfectly plain stuff, to match something already in use.”

“Well, I don’t think you can find it perfectly plain, unless you get Turkey red.”

“What is Turkey red?” I asked.

“Turkey red is perfectly plain in calicoes,” she answered.
“Well, let me see some.”

“We haven’t any Turkey red calico left,” she said, “but we have some very nice plain calicoes in other colors.”
“I don’t want any other color. I want stuff to match this.”
“It’s hard to match cheap calico like that,” she said, and so I left her.

I next went into a store a few doors farther up Broadway. When I entered I approached the “floorwalker,” and handing him my sample, said:

“Have you any calico like this?”

“Yes, sir,” said he. “Third counter to the right.” I went to the third counter to the right, and showed my sample to the salesman in attendance there. He looked at it on both sides. Then he said:

“We haven’t any of this.”

“The floorwalker said you had,” said I.
“We had it, but we’re out of it now. You’ll get that goods at an upholsterers.”

I went across the street to an upholsterer’s.
“Have you any stuff like this?” I asked.
“No,” said the salesman, “we haven’t. Is it for furniture?”
“Yes,” I replied.

“Then Turkey red is what you want.”
“Is Turkey red just like this?” I asked.
“No,” said he, “but it’s much better.”
“That makes no difference to me,” I replied. “I want something just like this.”

“But they don’t use that for furniture,” he said.
“I should think people could use anything they wanted for furniture,” I remarked, somewhat sharply.
“They can, but they don’t,” he said quite calmly. “They don’t use red like that. They use Turkey red.”
I said no more, but left. The next place I visited was a very large dry-goods store. Of the first salesman I saw I inquired if they kept red calico like my sample.
“You’ll find that on the second story,” said he.
I went up-stairs. There I asked a man:
“Where shall I find red calico?”

“In the far room to the left,” and he pointed to a distant corner.

I walked through the crowds of purchasers and salespeople, around the counters and tables filled with goods, to the far room to the left. When I got there I asked for red calico.
“The second counter down this side,” said the man. I went there and produced my sample. “Calicoes down-stairs,” said the man.

“They told me they were up here,” I said.
“Not these plain goods. You’ll find them downstairs at the back of the store, over on that side.”

I went down-stairs to the back of the store.
“Where can I find red calico like this?” I asked.
“Next counter but one, ” said the man addressed, walking with me in the direction pointed out. “Dunn, show red calicoes.”
Mr. Dunn took my sample and looked at it. “We haven’t this shade in that quality of goods,” he said.

“Well, have you it in any quality of goods?” I asked.
“Yes. We’ve got it finer.” He took down a piece of calico, and unrolled a yard or two of it.

“That’s not this shade,” I said.

“No,” said he. “The goods is finer and the color’s better.”
“I want it to match this,” I said.

“I thought you weren’t particular about the match,” said the salesman. “You said you didn’t care for the quality of the goods, and you know you can’t match without you take into consideration quality and color both. If you want that quality of goods in red, you ought to get Turkey red.”
I did not think it necessary to answer this remark, but said:
“Then you’ve got nothing to match this?”
“No, sir. But perhaps they may have it in the upholstery department, in the sixth story.”

I got into the elevator and went up to the top of the house.
“Have you any red stuff like this?” I said to a young man.
“Red stuff? Upholstery department–other end of this floor.”
I went to the other end of the floor.
“I want some red calico,” I said to a man.
“Furniture goods?” he asked.

“Yes,” said I.

“Fourth counter to the left.”

I went to the fourth counter to the left, and showed my sample to a salesman. He looked at it, and said: “You’ll get this down on the first floor–calico department.”
I turned on my heel, descended in the elevator, and went out on Broadway. I was thoroughly sick of red calico. But I determined to make one more trial. My wife had bought her red calico not long before, and there must be some to be had somewhere. I ought to have asked her where she bought it, but I thought a simple little thing like that could be procured anywhere.

I went into another large dry-goods store. As I entered the door a sudden tremor seized me. I could not bear to take out that piece of red calico. If I had had any other kind of a rag about me–a pen-wiper or anything of the sort–I think I would have asked them if they could match that.
But I stepped up to a young woman and presented my sample, with the usual question.

“Back room, counter on the left,” she said.
I went there.

“Have you any red calico like this?” I asked of the lady behind the counter.

“No, sir,” she said, “but we have it in Turkey red.”
Turkey red again! I surrendered.

“All right,” I said. “Give me Turkey red.”
“How much, sir?” she asked.

“I don’t know–say five yards.”

The lady looked at me rather strangely, but measured off five yards of Turkey red calico. Then she rapped on the counter and called out, “Cash!” A little girl, with yellow hair in two long plaits, came slowly up. The lady wrote the number of yards; the name of the goods; her own number; the price; the amount of the bank-note I handed her; and some other matters–probably the color of my eyes and the direction and velocity of the wind–on a slip of paper. She then copied all this in a little book which she kept by her. Then she handed the slip of paper, the money, and the Turkey red to the yellow-haired girl. This young girl copied the slip in a little book she carried, and then she went away with the calico, the paper slip, and the money.
After a very long time–during which the little girl probably took the goods, the money, and the slip to some central desk, where the note was received, its amount and number entered in a book; change given to the girl; a copy of the slip made and entered; girl’s entry examined and approved; goods wrapped up; girl registered; plaits counted and entered on a slip of paper and copied by the girl in her book; girl taken to a hydrant and washed; number of towel entered on a paper slip and copied by the girl in her book; value of my note and amount of change branded somewhere on the child, and said process noted on a slip of paper and copied in her book–the girl came to me, bringing my change and the package of Turkey red calico.
I had time for but very little work at the office that afternoon, and when I reached home I handed the package of calico to my wife. She unrolled it and exclaimed:
“Why, this doesn’t match the piece I gave you!”
“Match it!” I cried. “Oh no! it doesn’t match it. You didn’t want that matched. You were mistaken. What you wanted was Turkey red–third counter to the left. I mean, Turkey red is what they use!”

My wife looked at me in amazement, and then I detailed to her my troubles.

“Well,” said she, “this Turkey red is a great deal prettier than what I had, and you’ve bought so much of it that I needn’t use the other at all. I wish I had thought of Turkey red before.”

“I wish from my heart you had!” said I.

THE CHRISTMAS WRECK

“Well, sir,” said old Silas, as he gave a preliminary puff to the pipe he had just lighted, and so satisfied himself that the draught was all right, “the wind’s a-comin’, an’ so’s Christmas. But it’s no use bein’ in a hurry fur either of ’em, fur sometimes they come afore you want ’em, anyway.”

Silas was sitting in the stern of a small sailing-boat which he owned, and in which he sometimes took the Sandport visitors out for a sail, and at other times applied to its more legitimate but less profitable use, that of fishing. That afternoon he had taken young Mr. Nugent for a brief excursion on that portion of the Atlantic Ocean which sends its breakers up on the beach of Sandport. But he had found it difficult, nay, impossible, just now, to bring him back, for the wind had gradually died away until there was not a breath of it left. Mr. Nugent, to whom nautical experiences were as new as the very nautical suit of blue flannel which he wore, rather liked the calm. It was such a relief to the monotony of rolling waves. He took out a cigar and lighted it, and then he remarked:

“I can easily imagine how a wind might come before you sailors might want it, but I don’t see how Christmas could come too soon.”

“It come wunst on me when things couldn’t `a’ looked more onready fur it,” said Silas.

“How was that?” asked Mr. Nugent, settling himself a little more comfortably on the hard thwart. “If it’s a story, let’s have it. This is a good time to spin a yarn.”
“Very well,” said old Silas. “I’ll spin her.”
The bare-legged boy whose duty it was to stay forward and mind the jib came aft as soon as he smelt a story, and took a nautical position, which was duly studied by Mr. Nugent, on a bag of ballast in the bottom of the boat.

“It’s nigh on to fifteen year ago,” said Silas, “that I was on the bark Mary Auguster, bound for Sydney, New South Wales, with a cargo of canned goods. We was somewhere about longitood a hundred an’ seventy, latitood nothin’, an’ it was the twenty- second o’ December, when we was ketched by a reg’lar typhoon which blew straight along, end on, fur a day an’ a half. It blew away the storm-sails. It blew away every yard, spar, shroud, an’ every strand o’ riggin’, an’ snapped the masts off close to the deck. It blew away all the boats. It blew away the cook’s caboose, an’ everythin’ else on deck. It blew off the hatches, an’ sent ’em spinnin’ in the air about a mile to leeward. An’ afore it got through, it washed away the cap’n an’ all the crew ‘cept me an’ two others. These was Tom Simmons, the second mate, an’ Andy Boyle, a chap from the Adirondack Mount’ins, who’d never been to sea afore. As he was a landsman, he ought, by rights, to ‘a’ been swep’ off by the wind an’ water, consid’rin’ that the cap’n an’ sixteen good seamen had gone a’ready. But he had hands eleven inches long, an’ that give him a grip which no typhoon could git the better of. Andy had let out that his father was a miller up there in York State, an’ a story had got round among the crew that his granfather an’ great-gran’father was millers, too; an’ the way the fam’ly got such big hands come from their habit of scoopin’ up a extry quart or two of meal or flour fur themselves when they was levellin’ off their customers’ measures. He was a good-natered feller, though, an’ never got riled when I’d tell him to clap his flour-scoops onter a halyard. “We was all soaked, an’ washed, an’ beat, an’ battered. We held on some way or other till the wind blowed itself out, an’ then we got on our legs an’ began to look about us to see how things stood. The sea had washed into the open hatches till the vessel was more’n half full of water, an’ that had sunk her, so deep that she must ‘a’ looked like a canal-boat loaded with gravel. We hadn’t had a thing to eat or drink durin’ that whole blow, an’ we was pretty ravenous. We found a keg of water which was all right, and a box of biscuit which was what you might call softtack, fur they was soaked through an’ through with sea-water.

We eat a lot of them so, fur we couldn’t wait, an’ the rest we spread on the deck to dry, fur the sun was now shinin’ hot enough to bake bread. We couldn’t go below much, fur there was a pretty good swell on the sea, an’ things was floatin’ about so’s to make it dangerous. But we fished out a piece of canvas, which we rigged up ag’in’ the stump of the mainmast so that we could have somethin’ that we could sit down an’ grumble under. What struck us all the hardest was that the bark was loaded with a whole cargo of jolly things to eat, which was just as good as ever they was, fur the water couldn’t git through the tin cans in which they was all put up, an’ here we was with nothin’ to live on but them salted biscuit. There wasn’t no way of gittin’ at any of the ship’s stores, or any of the fancy prog, fur everythin’ was stowed away tight under six or seven feet of water, an’ pretty nigh all the room that was left between decks was filled up with extry spars, lumber, boxes, an’ other floatin’ stuff. All was shiftin’, an’ bumpin’, an’ bangin’ every time the vessel rolled.
“As I said afore, Tom was second mate, an’ I was bo’s’n. Says I to Tom, `The thing we’ve got to do is to put up some kind of a spar with a rag on it fur a distress flag, so that we’ll lose no time bein’ took off.’ `There’s no use a-slavin’ at anythin’ like that,’ says Tom, `fur we’ve been blowed off the track of traders, an’ the more we work the hungrier we’ll git, an’ the sooner will them biscuit be gone.’
“Now when I heared Tom say this I sot still an’ began to consider. Bein’ second mate, Tom was, by rights, in command of this craft. But it was easy enough to see that if he commanded there’d never be nothin’ fur Andy an’ me to do. All the grit he had in him he’d used up in holdin’ on durin’ that typhoon. What he wanted to do now was to make himself comfortable till the time come for him to go to Davy Jones’s locker–an’ thinkin’, most likely, that Davy couldn’t make it any hotter fur him than it was on that deck, still in latitood nothin’ at all, fur we’d been blowed along the line pretty nigh due west. So I calls to Andy, who was busy turnin’ over the biscuits on the deck. `Andy,’ says I, when he had got under the canvas, `we’s goin’ to have a ‘lection fur skipper. Tom, here, is about played out. He’s one candydate, an’ I’m another. Now, who do you vote fur? An’ mind yer eye, youngster, that you don’t make no mistake.’ `I vote fur you’ says Andy. `Carried unanermous!’ says I. `An’ I want you to take notice that I’m cap’n of what’s left of the Mary Auguster, an’ you two has got to keep your minds on that, an’ obey orders.’ If Davy Jones was to do all that Tom Simmons said when he heared this, the old chap would be kept busier than he ever was yit. But I let him growl his growl out, knowin’ he’d come round all right, fur there wasn’t no help fur it, consid’rin’ Andy an’ me was two to his one. Pretty soon we all went to work, an’ got up a spar from below, which we rigged to the stump of the foremast, with Andy’s shirt atop of it.
“Them sea-soaked, sun-dried biscuit was pretty mean prog, as you might think, but we eat so many of ’em that afternoon, an’ ‘cordingly drank so much water, that I was obliged to put us all on short rations the next day. `This is the day afore Christmas,’ says Andy Boyle, `an’ to-night will be Christmas eve, an’ it’s pretty tough fur us to be sittin’ here with not even so much hardtack as we want, an’ all the time thinkin’ that the hold of this ship is packed full of the gayest kind of good things to eat.’ `Shut up about Christmas!’ says Tom Simmons. `Them two youngsters of mine, up in Bangor, is havin’ their toes and noses pretty nigh froze, I ‘spect, but they’ll hang up their stockin’s all the same to-night, never thinkin’ that their dad’s bein’ cooked alive on a empty stomach.’ `Of course they wouldn’t hang ’em up,’ says I, if they knowed what a fix you was in, but they don’t know it, an’ what’s the use of grumblin’ at ’em fur bein’ a little jolly?’ `Well,’ says Andy `they couldn’t be more jollier than I’d be if I could git at some of them fancy fixin’s down in the hold. I worked well on to a week at ‘Frisco puttin’ in them boxes, an’ the names of the things was on the outside of most of ’em; an’ I tell you what it is, mates, it made my mouth water, even then, to read ’em, an’ I wasn’t hungry, nuther, havin’ plenty to eat three times a day. There was roast beef, an’ roast mutton, an’ duck, an’ chicken, an’ soup, an’ peas, an’ beans, an’ termaters, an’ plum-puddin’,an’ mince-pie–‘ `Shut up with your mince-pie!’ sung out Tom Simmons. `Isn’t it enough to have to gnaw on these salt chips, without hearin’ about mince- pie?’ `An’ more’n that’ says Andy, `there was canned peaches, an’ pears, an’ plums, an’ cherries.’

“Now these things did sound so cool an’ good to me on that br’ilin’ deck that I couldn’t stand it, an’ I leans over to Andy, an’ I says: `Now look-a here; if you don’t shut up talkin’ about them things what’s stowed below, an’ what we can’t git at nohow, overboard you go!’ `That would make you short-handed,’ says Andy, with a grin. `Which is more’n you could say,’ says I, `if you’d chuck Tom an, me over’–alludin’ to his eleven-inch grip. Andy didn’t say no more then, but after a while he comes to me, as I was lookin’ round to see if anything was in sight, an’ says he, `I spose you ain’t got nothin’ to say ag’in’ my divin’ into the hold just aft of the foremast, where there seems to be a bit of pretty clear water, an’ see if I can’t git up somethin’?’ `You kin do it, if you like,’ says I, `but it’s at your own risk.

You can’t take out no insurance at this office.’ `All right, then,’ says Andy; `an’ if I git stove in by floatin’ boxes, you an’ Tom’ll have to eat the rest of them salt crackers.’ `Now, boy,’ says I,–an’ he wasn’t much more, bein’ only nineteen year old,–`you’d better keep out o’ that hold. You’ll just git yourself smashed. An’ as to movin’ any of them there heavy boxes, which must be swelled up as tight as if they was part of the ship, you might as well try to pull out one of the Mary Auguster’s ribs.’ `I’ll try it,’ says Andy, `fur to-morrer is Christmas, an’ if I kin help it I ain’t goin’ to be floatin’ atop of a Christmas dinner without eatin’ any on it.’ I let him go, fur he was a good swimmer an’ diver, an’ I did hope he might root out somethin’ or other, fur Christmas is about the worst day in the year fur men to be starvin’ on, an’ that’s what we was a-comin’ to.

“Well, fur about two hours Andy swum, an’ dove, an’ come up blubberin’, an’ dodged all sorts of floatin’ an’ pitchin’ stuff, fur the swell was still on. But he couldn’t even be so much as sartin that he’d found the canned vittles. To dive down through hatchways, an’ among broken bulkheads, to hunt fur any partiklar kind o’ boxes under seven foot of sea-water, ain’t no easy job. An’ though Andy said he got hold of the end of a box that felt to him like the big uns he’d noticed as havin’ the meat-pies in, he couldn’t move it no more’n if it had been the stump of the foremast. If we could have pumped the water out of the hold we could have got at any part of the cargo we wanted, but as it was, we couldn’t even reach the ship’s stores, which, of course, must have been mostly sp’iled anyway, whereas the canned vittles was just as good as new. The pumps was all smashed or stopped up, for we tried ’em, but if they hadn’t ‘a’ been we three couldn’t never have pumped out that ship on three biscuit a day, an’ only about two days’ rations at that.
“So Andy he come up, so fagged out that it was as much as he could do to get his clothes on, though they wasn’t much, an’ then he stretched himself out under the canvas an’ went to sleep, an’ it wasn’t long afore he was talkin’ about roast turkey an’ cranberry sass, an’ punkin-pie, an’ sech stuff, most of which we knowed was under our feet that present minnit. Tom Simmons he just b’iled over, an’ sung out: `Roll him out in the sun an’ let him cook! I can’t stand no more of this!’ But I wasn’t goin’ to have Andy treated no sech way as that, fur if it hadn’t been fur Tom Simmons’ wife an’ young uns, Andy’d been worth two of him to anybody who was consid’rin’ savin’ life. But I give the boy a good punch in the ribs to stop his dreamin’, fur I was as hungry as Tom was, an’ couldn’t stand no nonsense about Christmas dinners.

“It was a little arter noon when Andy woke up, an’ he went outside to stretch himself. In about a minute he give a yell that made Tom an’ me jump. `A sail!’ he hollered. `A sail!’ An’ you may bet your life, young man, that ’twasn’t more’n half a second afore us two had scuffled out from under that canvas, an’ was standin’ by Andy. `There she is!’ he shouted, `not a mile to win’ard.’ I give one look, an’ then I sings out: `’Tain’t a sail! It’s a flag of distress! Can’t you see, you land-lubber, that that’s the Stars and Stripes upside down?’ `Why, so it is,’ says Andy, with a couple of reefs in the joyfulness of his voice. An’ Tom he began to growl as if somebody had cheated him out of half a year’s wages.

“The flag that we saw was on the hull of a steamer that had been driftin’ down on us while we was sittin’ under our canvas. It was plain to see she’d been caught in the typhoon, too, fur there wasn’t a mast or a smoke-stack on her. But her hull was high enough out of the water to catch what wind there was, while we was so low sunk that we didn’t make no way at all. There was people aboard, and they saw us, an’ waved their hats an’ arms, an’ Andy an’ me waved ours; but all we could do was to wait till they drifted nearer, fur we hadn’t no boats to go to ’em if we’d wanted to.

“`I’d like to know what good that old hulk is to us,’ says Tom Simmons. `She can’t take us off.’ It did look to me somethin’ like the blind leadin’ the blind. But Andy he sings out: `We’d be better off aboard of her, fur she ain’t water- logged, an’, more’n that, I don’t s’pose her stores are all soaked up in salt water.’ There was some sense in that, an’ when the steamer had got to within half a mile of us, we was glad to see a boat put out from her with three men in it. It was a queer boat, very low an’ flat, an’ not like any ship’s boat I ever see.

But the two fellers at the oars pulled stiddy, an’ pretty soon the boat was ‘longside of us, an’ the three men on our deck. One of ’em was the first mate of the other wreck, an’ when he found out what was the matter with us, he spun his yarn, which was a longer one than ours. His vessel was the Water Crescent, nine hundred tons, from ‘Frisco to Melbourne, an’ they had sailed about six weeks afore we did. They was about two weeks out when some of their machinery broke down, an’ when they got it patched up it broke ag’in, worse than afore, so that they couldn’t do nothin’ with it. They kep’ along under sail for about a month, makin’ mighty poor headway till the typhoon struck ’em, an’ that cleaned their decks off about as slick as it did ours, but their hatches wasn’t blowed off, an’ they didn’t ship no water wuth mentionin’, an’ the crew havin’ kep’ below, none of ’em was lost. But now they was clean out of provisions an’ water, havin’ been short when the breakdown happened, fur they had sold all the stores they could spare to a French brig in distress that they overhauled when about a week out. When they sighted us they felt pretty sure they’d git some provisions out of us. But when I told the mate what a fix we was in his jaw dropped till his face was as long as one of Andy’s hands. Howsomdever, he said he’d send the boat back fur as many men as it could bring over, an’ see if they couldn’t git up some of our stores. Even if they was soaked with salt water, they’d be better than nothin’. Part of the cargo of the Water Crescent was tools an, things fur some railway contractors out in Australier, an’ the mate told the men to bring over some of them irons that might be used to fish out the stores. All their ship’s boats had been blowed away, an’ the one they had was a kind of shore boat for fresh water, that had been shipped as part of the cargo, an’ stowed below. It couldn’t stand no kind of a sea, but there wasn’t nothin’ but a swell on, an’ when it come back it had the cap’n in it, an’ five men, besides a lot of chains an’ tools.

“Them fellers an’ us worked pretty nigh the rest of the day, an’ we got out a couple of bar’ls of water, which was all right, havin’ been tight bunged, an’ a lot of sea-biscuit, all soaked an sloppy, but we only got a half-bar’l of meat, though three or four of the men stripped an’ dove fur more’n an hour. We cut up some of the meat an’ eat it raw, an’ the cap’n sent some over to the other wreck, which had drifted past us to leeward, an’ would have gone clean away from us if the cap’n hadn’t had a line got out an’ made us fast to it while we was a- workin’ at the stores.

“That night the cap’n took us three, as well as the provisions we’d got out, on board his hull, where the ‘commodations was consid’able better than they was on the half- sunk Mary Auguster. An’ afore we turned in he took me aft an’ had a talk with me as commandin’ off’cer of my vessel. `That wreck o’ yourn,’ says he, `has got a vallyble cargo in it, which isn’t sp’iled by bein’ under water. Now, if you could get that cargo into port it would put a lot of money in your pocket, fur the owners couldn’t git out of payin’ you fur takin’ charge of it an’ havin’ it brung in. Now I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll lie by you, an’ I’ve got carpenters aboard that’ll put your pumps in order, an’ I’ll set my men to work to pump out your vessel. An’ then, when she’s afloat all right, I’ll go to work ag’in at my vessel–which I didn’t s’pose there was any use o’ doin’, but whilst I was huntin’ round amongst our cargo to-day I found that some of the machinery we carried might be worked up so’s to take the place of what is broke in our engine. We’ve got a forge aboard, an’ I believe we can make these pieces of machinery fit, an’ git goin’ ag’in. Then I’ll tow you into Sydney, an’ we’ll divide the salvage money. I won’t git nothin’ fur savin’ my vessel, coz that’s my business, but you wasn’t cap’n o’ yourn, an’ took charge of her a-purpose to save her, which is another thing.’

“I wasn’t at all sure that I didn’t take charge of the Mary Auguster to save myself an’ not the vessel, but I didn’t mention that, an’ asked the cap’n how he expected to live all this time.

“`Oh, we kin git at your stores easy enough,’ says he, when the water’s pumped out.’ `They’ll be mostly sp’iled,’ says I. `That don’t matter’ says he. `Men’ll eat anything when they can’t git nothin’ else.’ An’ with that he left me to think it over.

“I must say, young man, an’ you kin b’lieve me if you know anything about sech things, that the idee of a pile of money was mighty temptin’ to a feller like me, who had a girl at home ready to marry him, and who would like nothin’ better’n to have a little house of his own, an’ a little vessel of his own, an’ give up the other side of the world altogether. But while I was goin’ over all this in my mind, an’ wonderin’ if the cap’n ever could git us into port, along comes Andy Boyle, an’ sits down beside me. `It drives me pretty nigh crazy,’ says he, `to think that to-morrer’s Christmas, an’ we’ve got to feed on that sloppy stuff we fished out of our stores, an’ not much of it, nuther, while there’s all that roast turkey an’ plum-puddin’ an’ mince-pie a- floatin’ out there just afore our eyes, an’ we can’t have none of it.’ `You hadn’t oughter think so much about eatin’, Andy,’ says I,`but if I was talkin’ about them things I wouldn’t leave out canned peaches. By George! On a hot Christmas like this is goin’ to be, I’d be the jolliest Jack on the ocean if I could git at that canned fruit.’ `Well, there’s a way,’ says Andy, `that we might git some of ’em. A part of the cargo of this ship is stuff far blastin’ rocks–ca’tridges, ‘lectric bat’ries, an’ that sort of thing; an’ there’s a man aboard who’s goin’ out to take charge of ’em. I’ve been talkin’ to this bat’ry man, an’ I’ve made up my mind it’ll be easy enough to lower a little ca’tridge down among our cargo an’ blow out a part of it.’ `What ‘u’d be the good of it,’ says I, `blowed into chips?’ `It might smash some,’ says he, `but others would be only loosened, an’ they’d float up to the top, where we could git ’em, specially them as was packed with pies, which must be pretty light.’ `Git out, Andy,’ says I, `with all that stuff!’ An’ he got out.
“But the idees he’d put into my head didn’t git out, an’ as I laid on my back on the deck, lookin’ up at the stars, they sometimes seemed to put themselves into the shape of a little house, with a little woman cookin’ at the kitchin fire, an’ a little schooner layin’ at anchor just off shore. An’ then ag’in they’d hump themselves up till they looked like a lot of new tin cans with their tops off, an’ all kinds of good things to eat inside, specially canned peaches–the big white kind, soft an’ cool, each one split in half, with a holler in the middle filled with juice. By George, sir! the very thought of a tin can like that made me beat my heels ag’in the deck. I’d been mighty hungry, an’ had eat a lot of salt pork, wet an’ raw, an’ now the very idee of it, even cooked, turned my stomach. I looked up to the stars ag’in, an’ the little house an’ the little schooner was clean gone, an’ the whole sky was filled with nothin’ but bright new tin cans.

“In the mornin’ Andy he come to me ag’in. `Have you made up your mind,’ says he, `about gittin’ some of them good things fur Christmas dinner?’ `Confound you!’ says I, `you talk as if all we had to do was to go an’ git ’em.’ `An’ that’s what I b’lieve we kin do,’ says he, `with the help of that bat’ry man.’ `Yes,’ says I, `an’ blow a lot of the cargo into flinders, an’ damage the Mary Auguster so’s she couldn’t never be took into port.’ An’ then I told him what the cap’n had said to me, an’ what I was goin’ to do with the money. `A little ca’tridge,’ says Andy, `would do all we want, an’ wouldn’t hurt the vessel, nuther. Besides that, I don’t b’lieve what this cap’n says about tinkerin’ up his engine. ‘Tain’t likely he’ll ever git her runnin’ ag’in, nor pump out the Mary Auguster, nuther. If I was you I’d a durned sight ruther have a Christmas dinner in hand than a house an’ wife in the bush.’ `I ain’t thinkin’ o’ marryin’ a girl in Australier,’ says I. An’ Andy he grinned, an’ said I wouldn’t marry nobody if I had to live on sp’iled vittles till I got her.

“A little arter that I went to the cap’n an’ I told him about Andy’s idee, but he was down on it. `It’s your vessel, an’ not mine,’ says he, `an’ if you want to try to git a dinner out of her I’ll not stand in your way. But it’s my ‘pinion you’ll just damage the ship, an’ do nothin’.’ Howsomdever, I talked to the bat’ry man about it, an’ he thought it could be done, an’ not hurt the ship, nuther. The men was all in favor of it, fur none of ’em had forgot it was Christmas day. But Tom Simmons he was ag’in’ it strong, fur he was thinkin’ he’d git some of the money if we got the Mary Auguster into port. He was a selfish- minded man, was Tom, but it was his nater, an’ I s’pose he couldn’t help it.

“Well, it wasn’t long afore I began to feel pretty empty an’ mean, an’ if I’d wanted any of the prog we got out the day afore, I couldn’t have found much, fur the men had eat it up nearly all in the night. An’ so I just made up my mind without any more foolin’, an’ me an’ Andy Boyle an’ the bat’ry man, with some ca’tridges an’ a coil of wire, got into the little shore boat, an’ pulled over to the Mary Auguster. There we lowered a small ca’tridge down the main hatchway, an’ let it rest down among the cargo. Then we rowed back to the steamer, uncoilin’ the wire as. we went. The bat’ry man clumb up on deck, an’ fixed his wire to a ‘lectric machine, which he’d got all ready afore we started. Andy an’ me didn’t git out of the boat. We had too much sense fur that, with all them hungry fellers waitin’ to jump in her. But we just pushed a little off, an’ sot waitin’, with our mouths awaterin’, fur him to touch her off. He seemed to be a long time about it, but at last he did it, an’ that instant there was a bang on board the Mary Auguster that made my heart jump. Andy an’ me pulled fur her like mad, the others a- hollerin’ arter us, an’ we was on deck in no time. The deck was all covered with the water that had been throwed up. But I tell you, sir, that we poked an’ fished about, an’ Andy stripped an’ went down an’ swum all round, an’ we couldn’t find one floatin’ box of canned goods. There was a lot of splinters, but where they come from we didn’t know. By this time my dander was up, an’ I just pitched around savage. That little ca’tridge wasn’t no good, an’ I didn’t intend to stand any more foolin’. We just rowed back to the other wreck, an’ I called to the ba’try man to come down, an’ bring some bigger ca’tridges with him, fur if we was goin’ to do anything we might as well do it right. So he got down with a package of bigger ones, an’ jumped into the boat.

The cap’n he called out to us to be keerful, an’ Tom Simmons leaned over the rail an’ swored; but I didn’t pay no ‘tention to nuther of ’em, an’ we pulled away.

“When I got aboard the Mary Auguster, I says to the bat’ry man: `We don’t want no nonsense this time, an’ I want you to put in enough ca’tridges to heave up somethin’ that’ll do fur a Christmas dinner. I don’t know how the cargo is stored, but you kin put one big ca’tridge ‘midship, another for’ard, an’ another aft, an’ one or nuther of ’em oughter fetch up somethin’.’ Well, we got the three ca’tridges into place. They was a good deal bigger than the one we fust used, an’ we j’ined ’em all to one wire, an’ then we rowed back, carryin’ the long wire with us. When we reached the steamer, me an’ Andy was a- goin’ to stay in the boat as we did afore, but the cap’n sung out that he wouldn’t allow the bat’ry to be touched off till we come aboard. `Ther’s got to be fair play,’ says he. `It’s your vittles, but it’s my side that’s doin’ the work. After we’ve blasted her this time you two can go in the boat an’ see what there is to git hold of, but two of my men must go along.’ So me an’ Andy had to go on deck, an’ two big fellers was detailed to go with us in the little boat when the time come, an’ then the bat’ry man he teched her off.

“Well, sir, the pop that followed that tech was somethin’ to remember. It shuck the water, it shuck the air, an’ it shuck the hull we was on. A reg’lar cloud of smoke an’ flyin’ bits of things rose up out of the Mary Auguster; an’ when that smoke cleared away, an’ the water was all b’ilin’ with the splash of various-sized hunks that come rainin’ down from the sky, what was left of the Mary Auguster was sprinkled over the sea like a wooden carpet fur water-birds to walk on.
“Some of the men sung out one thing, an’ some another, an’ I could hear Tom Simmons swear; but Andy an’ me said never a word, but scuttled down into the boat, follered close by the two men who was to go with us. Then we rowed like devils fur the lot of stuff that was bobbin’ about on the water, out where the Mary Auguster had been. In we went among the floatin’ spars and ship’s timbers, I keepin’ the things off with an oar, the two men rowin’, an’ Andy in the bow.

“Suddenly Andy give a yell, an’ then he reached himself for’ard with sech a bounce that I thought he’d go overboard. But up he come in a minnit, his two ‘leven-inch hands gripped round a box. He sot down in the bottom of the boat with the box on his lap an’ his eyes screwed on some letters that was stamped on one end. `Pidjin-pies!’ he sings out. “Tain’t turkeys, nor ’tain’t cranberries but, by the Lord Harry, it’s Christmas pies all the same!’ After that Andy didn’t do no more work, but sot holdin’ that box as if it had been his fust baby. But we kep’ pushin’ on to see what else there was. It’s my ‘pinion that the biggest part of that bark’s cargo was blowed into mince-meat, an’ the most of the rest of it was so heavy that it sunk. But it wasn’t all busted up, an’ it didn’t all sink. There was a big piece of wreck with a lot of boxes stove into the timbers, and some of these had in ’em beef ready b’iled an’ packed into cans, an’ there was other kinds of meat, an’ dif’rent sorts of vegetables, an’ one box of turtle soup. I looked at every one of ’em as we took ’em in, an’ when we got the little boat pretty well loaded I wanted to still keep on searchin’; but the men they said that shore boat ‘u’d sink if we took in any more cargo, an’ so we put back, I feelin’ glummer’n I oughter felt, fur I had begun to be afeared that canned fruit, sech as peaches, was heavy, an’ li’ble to sink.

“As soon as we had got our boxes aboard, four fresh men put out in the boat, an’ after a while they come back with another load. An’ I was mighty keerful to read the names on all the boxes. Some was meat-pies, an’ some was salmon, an’ some was potted herrin’s, an’ some was lobsters. But nary a thing could I see that ever had growed on a tree.

“Well, sir, there was three loads brought in altogether, an’ the Christmas dinner we had on the for’ard deck of that steamer’s hull was about the jolliest one that was ever seen of a hot day aboard of a wreck in the Pacific Ocean. The cap’n kept good order, an’ when all was ready the tops was jerked off the boxes, and each man grabbed a can an’ opened it with his knife. When he had cleaned it out, he tuk another without doin’ much questionin’ as to the bill of fare. Whether anybody got pidjin-pie ‘cept Andy, I can’t say, but the way we piled in Delmoniker prog would ‘a’ made people open their eyes as was eatin’ their Christmas dinners on shore that day. Some of the things would ‘a’ been better cooked a little more, or het up, but we was too fearful hungry to wait fur that, an’ they was tiptop as they was.
“The cap’n went out afterwards, an’ towed in a couple of bar’ls of flour that was only part soaked through, an’ he got some other plain prog that would do fur future use. But none of us give our minds to stuff like this arter the glorious Christmas dinner that we’d quarried out of the Mary Auguster. Every man that wasn’t on duty went below and turned in fur a snooze– all ‘cept me, an’ I didn’t feel just altogether satisfied. To be sure, I’d had an A1 dinner, an’, though a little mixed, I’d never eat a jollier one on any Christmas that I kin look back at. But, fur all that, there was a hanker inside o’ me. I hadn’t got all I’d laid out to git when we teched off the Mary Auguster. The day was blazin’ hot, an’ a lot of the things I’d eat was pretty peppery. `Now,’ thinks I, `if there had been just one can o’ peaches sech as I seen shinin’ in the stars last night!’ An’ just then, as I was walkin’ aft, all by myself, I seed lodged on the stump of the mizzenmast a box with one corner druv down among the splinters. It was half split open, an’ I could see the tin cans shinin’ through the crack. I give one jump at it, an’ wrenched the side off. On the top of the first can I seed was a picture of a big white peach with green leaves. That box had been blowed up so high that if it had come down anywhere ‘cept among them splinters it would ‘a’ smashed itself to flinders, or killed somebody. So fur as I know, it was the only thing that fell nigh us, an’ by George, sir, I got it! When I had finished a can of ’em I hunted up Andy, an’ then we went aft an’ eat some more. `Well,’ says Andy, as we was a-eatin’, `how d’ye feel now about blowin’ up your wife, an’ your house, an’ that little schooner you was goin’ to own?’

“`Andy,’ says I, `this is the joyfulest Christmas I’ve had yit, an’ if I was to live till twenty hundred I don’t b’lieve I’d have no joyfuler, with things comin’ in so pat; so don’t you throw no shadders.’

“`Shadders!’ says Andy. `That ain’t me. I leave that sort of thing fur Tom Simmons.’

“`Shadders is cool,’ says I, `an’ I kin go to sleep under all he throws.’

“Well, sir,” continued old Silas, putting his hand on the tiller and turning his face seaward, “if Tom Simmons had kept command of that wreck, we all would ‘a’ laid there an’ waited an’ waited till some of us was starved, an’ the others got nothin’ fur it, fur the cap’n never mended his engine, an’ it wasn’t more’n a week afore we was took off, an’ then it was by a sailin’ vessel, which left the hull of the Water Crescent behind her, just as she would ‘a’ had to leave the Mary Auguster if that jolly old Christmas wreck had been there.
“An’ now, sir,” said Silas, “d’ye see that stretch o’ little ripples over yander, lookin’ as if it was a lot o’ herrin’ turnin’ over to dry their sides? Do you know what that is? That’s the supper wind. That means coffee, an’ hot cakes, an’ a bit of br’iled fish, an’ pertaters, an’ p’r’aps, if the old woman feels in a partiklar good humor, some canned peaches–big white uns, cut in half, with a holler place in the middle filled with cool, sweet juice.”

MY WELL AND WHAT CAME
OUT OF IT

Early in my married life I bought a small country estate which my wife and I looked upon as a paradise. After enjoying its delight for a little more than a year our souls were saddened by the discovery that our Eden contained a serpent. This was an insufficient water-supply.

It had been a rainy season when we first went there, and for a long time our cisterns gave us full aqueous satisfaction, but early this year a drought had set in, and we were obliged to be exceedingly careful of our water.

It was quite natural that the scarcity of water for domestic purposes should affect my wife much more than it did me, and perceiving the discontent which was growing in her mind, I determined to dig a well. The very next day I began to look for a well-digger. Such an individual was not easy to find, for in the region in which I lived wells had become unfashionable; but I determined to persevere in my search, and in about a week I found a well-digger.

He was a man of somewhat rough exterior, but of an ingratiating turn of mind. It was easy to see that it was his earnest desire to serve me.

“And now, then,” said he, when we had had a little conversation about terms, “the first thing to do is to find out where there is water. Have you a peach-tree on the place?” We walked to such a tree, and he cut therefrom a forked twig.
“I thought,” said I, “that divining-rods were always of hazel wood.”

“A peach twig will do quite as well,” said he, and I have since found that he was right. Divining-rods of peach will turn and find water quite as well as those of hazel or any other kind of wood.

He took an end of the twig in each hand, and, with the point projecting in front of him, he slowly walked along over the grass in my little orchard. Presently the point of the twig seemed to bend itself downward toward the ground.

“There,” said he, stopping, “you will find water here.”
“I do not want a well here,” said I. “This is at the bottom of a hill, and my barn-yard is at the top. Besides, it is too far from the house.”

“Very good,” said he. “We will try somewhere else.”
His rod turned at several other places, but I had objections to all of them. A sanitary engineer had once visited me, and he had given me a great deal of advice about drainage, and I knew what to avoid.

We crossed the ridge of the hill into the low ground on the other side. Here were no buildings, nothing which would interfere with the purity of a well. My well-digger walked slowly over the ground with his divining-rod. Very soon he exclaimed: “Here is water!” And picking up a stick, he sharpened one end of it and drove it into the ground. Then he took a string from his pocket, and making a loop in one end, he put it over the stick.

“What are you going to do?” I asked.
“I am going to make a circle four feet in diameter,” he said. “We have to dig the well as wide as that, you know.”

“But I do not want a well here,” said I. “It’s too close to the wall. I could not build a house over it. It would not do at all.”

He stood up and looked at me. “Well, sir,” said he, “will you tell me where you would like to have a well?”
“Yes,” said I. “I would like to have it over there in the corner of the hedge. It would be near enough to the house; it would have a warm exposure, which will be desirable in winter; and the little house which I intend to build over it would look better there than anywhere else.”

He took his divining-rod and went to the spot I had indicated. “Is this the place?” he asked wishing to be sure he had understood me.

“Yes,” I replied.

He put his twig in position, and in a few seconds it turned in the direction of the ground. Then he drove down a stick, marked out a circle, and the next day he came with two men and a derrick, and began to dig my well.

When they had gone down twenty-five feet they found water, and when they had progressed a few feet deeper they began to be afraid of drowning. I thought they ought to go deeper, but the well-digger said that they could not dig without first taking out the water, and that the water came in as fast as they bailed it out, and he asked me to put it to myself and tell him how they could dig it deeper. I put the question to myself, but could find no answer. I also laid the matter before some specialists, and it was generally agreed that if water came in as fast as it was taken out, nothing more could be desired. The well was, therefore, pronounced deep enough. It was lined with great tiles, nearly a yard in diameter, and my well-digger, after congratulating me on finding water so easily, bade me good-by and departed with his men and his derrick.

On the other side of the wall which bounded my grounds, and near which my well had been dug, there ran a country lane, leading nowhere in particular, which seemed to be there for the purpose of allowing people to pass my house, who might otherwise be obliged to stop.

Along this lane my neighbors would pass, and often strangers drove by, and as my well could easily be seen over the low stone wall, its construction had excited a great deal of interest. Some of the people who drove by were summer folks from the city, and I am sure, from remarks I overheard, that it was thought a very queer thing to dig for water. Of course they must have known that people used to do this in the olden times, even as far back as the time of Jacob and Rebecca, but the expressions of some of their faces indicated that they remembered that this was the nineteenth century.

My neighbors, however, were all rural people, and much more intelligent in regard to water-supplies. One of them, Phineas Colwell by name, took a more lively interest in my operations than did any one else. He was a man of about fifty years of age, who had been a soldier. This fact was kept alive in the minds of his associates by his dress, a part of which was always military. If he did not wear an old fatigue-jacket with brass buttons, he wore his blue trousers, or, perhaps, a waistcoat that belonged to his uniform, and if he wore none of these, his military hat would appear upon his head. I think he must also have been a sailor, judging from the little gold rings in his ears. But when I first knew him he was a carpenter, who did mason-work whenever any of the neighbors had any jobs of the sort. He also worked in gardens by the day, and had told me that he understood the care of horses and was a very good driver. He sometimes worked on farms, especially at harvest-time, and I know he could paint, for he once showed me a fence which he said he had painted. I frequently saw him, because he always seemed to be either going to his work or coming from it. In fact, he appeared to consider actual labor in the light of a bad habit which he wished to conceal, and which he was continually endeavoring to reform.

Phineas walked along our lane at least once a day, and whenever he saw me he told me something about the well. He did not approve of the place I had selected for it. If he had been digging a well he would have put it in a very different place. When I had talked with him for some time and explained why I had chosen this spot, he would say that perhaps I was right, and begin to talk of something else. But the next time I saw him he would again assert that if he had been digging that well he would not have put it there.

About a quarter of a mile from my house, at a turn of the lane, lived Mrs. Betty Perch. She was a widow with about twelve children. A few of these were her own, and the others she had inherited from two sisters who had married and died, and whose husbands, having proved their disloyalty by marrying again, were not allowed by the indignant Mrs. Perch to resume possession of their offspring. The casual observer might have supposed the number of these children to be very great,–fifteen or perhaps even twenty,–for if he happened to see a group of them on the door-step, he would see a lot more if he looked into the little garden; and under some cedar-trees at the back of the house there were always some of them on fine days. But perhaps they sought to increase their apparent number, and ran from one place to another to be ready to meet observation, like the famous clown Grimaldi, who used to go through his performances at one London theatre, and then dash off in his paint and motley to another, so that perambulating theatre-going men might imagine that there were two greatest clowns in the world.

When Mrs. Perch had time she sewed for the neighbors, and, whether she had time or not, she was always ready to supply them with news. From the moment she heard I was going to dig a well she took a vital interest in it. Her own water-supply was unsatisfactory, as she depended upon a little spring which sometimes dried up in summer, and should my well turn out to be a good one, she knew I would not object to her sending the children for pails of water on occasions.

“It will be fun for them,” she said, “and if your water really is good it will often come in very well for me. Mr. Colwell tells me,” she continued, “that you put your well in the wrong place. He is a practical man and knows all about wells, and I do hope that for your sake he may be wrong.”
My neighbors were generally pessimists. Country people are proverbially prudent, and pessimism is prudence. We feel safe when we doubt the success of another, because if he should succeed we can say we were glad we were mistaken, and so step from a position of good judgment to one of generous disposition without feeling that we have changed our plane of merit. But the optimist often gets himself into terrible scrapes, for if he is wrong he cannot say he is glad of it.

But, whatever else he may be, a pessimist is depressing, and it was, therefore, a great pleasure to me to have a friend who was an out-and-out optimist. In fact, he might be called a working optimist. He lived about six miles from my house, and had a hobby, which was natural phenomena. He was always on the lookout for that sort of thing, and when he found it he would study its nature and effect. He was a man in the maturity of youth, and if the estate on which he lived had not belonged to his mother, he would have spent much time and money in investigating its natural phenomena. He often drove over to see me, and always told me how glad he would be if he had an opportunity of digging a well.

“I have the wildest desire,” he said, “to know what is in the earth under our place, and if it should so happen in the course of time that the limits of earthly existence should be reached by–I mean if the estate should come into my hands–I would go down, down, down, until I had found out all that could be discovered. To own a plug of earth four thousand miles long and only to know what is on the surface of the upper end of it is unmanly. We might as well be grazing beasts.”
He was sorry that I was digging only for water, because water is a very commonplace thing, but he was quite sure I would get it, and when my well was finished he was one of the first to congratulate me.

“But if I had been in your place,” said he, “with full right to do as I pleased, I would not have let those men go away. I would have set them to work in some place where there would be no danger of getting water,–at least, for a long time,–and then you would have found out what are the deeper treasures of your land.”

Having finished my well, I now set about getting the water into my residence near by. I built a house over the well and put in it a little engine, and by means of a system of pipes, like the arteries and veins of the human body, I proposed to distribute the water to the various desirable points in my house.

The engine was the heart, which should start the circulation, which should keep it going, and which should send throbbing through every pipe the water which, if it were not our life, was very necessary to it.

When all was ready we started the engine, and in a very short time we discovered that something was wrong. For fifteen or twenty minutes water flowed into the tank at the top of the house, with a sound that was grander in the ears of my wife and myself than the roar of Niagara, and then it stopped. Investigation proved that the flow had stopped because there was no more water in the well.

It is needless to detail the examinations, investigations, and the multitude of counsels and opinions with which our minds were filled for the next few days. It was plain to see that although this well was fully able to meet the demands of a hand- pump or of bailing buckets, the water did not flow into it as fast as it could be pumped out by an engine. Therefore, for the purposes of supplying the circulation of my domestic water system, the well was declared a failure.
My non-success was much talked about in the neighborhood, and we received a great deal of sympathy and condolence. Phineas Colwell was not surprised at the outcome of the affair. He had said that the well had been put in the wrong place. Mrs. Betty was not only surprised, but disgusted.

“It is all very well for you,” she said, “who could afford to buy water if it was necessary, but it is very different with the widow and the orphan. If I had not supposed you were going to have a real well, I would have had my spring cleaned out and deepened. I could have had it done in the early summer, but it is of no use now. The spring has dried up.”
She told a neighbor that she believed the digging of my well had dried up her spring, and that that was the way of this world, where the widow and the orphan were sure to come out at the little end.

Of course I did not submit to defeat–at least, not without a struggle. I had a well, and if anything could be done to make that well supply me with water, I was going to do it. I consulted specialists, and, after careful consideration of the matter, they agreed that it would be unadvisable for me to attempt to deepen my present well, as there was reason to suppose there was very little water in the place where I had dug it, and that the very best thing I could do would be to try a driven well. As I had already excavated about thirty feet, that was so much gain to me, and if I should have a six-inch pipe put into my present well and then driven down and down until it came to a place where there was plenty of water, I would have all I wanted.

How far down the pipe would have to be driven, of course they did not know, but they all agreed that if I drove deep enough I would get all the water I wanted. This was the only kind of a well, they said, which one could sink as deep as he pleased without being interfered with by the water at the bottom. My wife and I then considered the matter, and ultimately decided that it would be a waste of the money which we had already spent upon the engine, the pipes, and the little house, and, as there was nothing else to be done but to drive a well, we would have a well driven.

Of course we were both very sorry that the work must be begun again, but I was especially dissatisfied, for the weather was getting cold, there was already snow upon the ground, and I was told that work could not be carried on in winter weather. I lost no time, however, in making a contract with a well-driver, who assured me that as soon as the working season should open, which probably would be very early in the spring, he would come to my place and begin to drive my well.

The season did open, and so did the pea-blossoms, and the pods actually began to fill before I saw that well-driver again. I had had a good deal of correspondence with him in the meantime, urging him to prompt action, but he always had some good reason for delay. (I found out afterwards that he was busy fulfilling a contract made before mine, in which he promised to drive a well as soon as the season should open.)
At last–it was early in the summer–he came with his derricks, a steam-engine, a trip-hammer, and a lot of men. They took off the roof of my house, removed the engine, and set to work.
For many a long day, and I am sorry to say for many a longer night, that trip-hammer hammered and banged. On the next day after the night-work began, one of my neighbors came to me to know what they did that for. I told him they were anxious to get through.

“Get through what?” said he. “The earth? If they do that, and your six-inch pipe comes out in a Chinaman’s back yard, he will sue you for damages.”

When the pipe had been driven through the soft stratum under the old well, and began to reach firmer ground, the pounding and shaking of the earth became worse and worse. My wife was obliged to leave home with our child.

“If he is to do without both water and sleep,” said she, “he cannot long survive.” And I agreed with her.
She departed for a pleasant summer resort where her married sister with her child was staying, and from week to week I received very pleasant letters from her, telling me of the charms of the place, and dwelling particularly upon the abundance of cool spring water with which the house was supplied.
While this terrible pounding was going on I heard various reports of its effect upon my neighbors. One of them, an agriculturist, with whom I had always been on the best of terms, came with a clouded brow.

“When I first felt those shakes,” he said, “I thought they were the effects of seismic disturbances, and I did not mind, but when I found it was your well I thought I ought to come over to speak about it. I do not object to the shaking of my barn, because my man tells me the continual jolting is thrashing out the oats and wheat, but I do not like to have all my apples and pears shaken off my trees. And then,” said he, “I have a late brood of chickens, and they cannot walk, because every time they try to make a step they are jolted into the air about a foot. And again, we have had to give up having soup. We like soup, but we do not care to have it spout up like a fountain whenever that hammer comes down.”

I was grieved to trouble this friend, and I asked him what I should do. “Do you want me to stop the work on the well?” said I.
“Oh, no,” said he, heartily. “Go on with the work. You must have water, and we will try to stand the bumping. I dare say it is good for dyspepsia, and the cows are getting used to having the grass jammed up against their noses. Go ahead; we can stand it in the daytime, but if you could stop the night-work we would be very glad. Some people may think it a well-spring of pleasure to be bounced out of bed, but I don’t.”

Mrs. Perch came to me with a face like a squeezed lemon, and asked me if I could lend her five nails.
“What sort? ” said I.

“The kind you nail clapboards on with,” said she. “There is one of them been shook entirely off my house by your well. I am in hopes that before the rest are all shook off I shall get in some money that is owing me and can afford to buy nails for myself.”

I stopped the night-work, but this was all I could do for these neighbors.

My optimist friend was delighted when he heard of my driven well. He lived so far away that he and his mother were not disturbed by the jarring of the ground. Now he was sure that some of the internal secrets of the earth would be laid bare, and he rode or drove over every day to see what we were getting out of the well. I know that he was afraid we would soon get water, but was too kind-hearted to say so.

One day the pipe refused to go deeper. No matter how hard it was struck, it bounced up again. When some of the substance it had struck was brought up it looked like French chalk, and my