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[They go off sadly — PATIENCE, L., GROSVENOR, R.U.E.]

No. 9. Let the merry cymbals sound (Finale of Act I)
Ensemble

[Enter BUNTHORNE, crowned with roses and hung about with garlands, and looking very miserable. He is led by ANGELA and SAPHIR (each of whom holds an end of the rose-garland by which he is bound), and accompanied by procession of Maidens. They are dancing classically, and playing on cymbals, double pipes, and other archaic instruments. JANE last, with a very large pair of cymbals.]

[The procession enters over the drawbridge, BUNTHORNE being preceded by the Chorus. They go R. and round the stage, ending with BUNTHORNE down L.C., with ANGELA on his R., SAPHIR on his L., JANE up C.]

MAIDENS Let the merry cymbals sound, Gaily pipe Pandaean pleasure,
With a Daphnephoric bound
Tread a gay but classic measure, Tread a gay but classic measure. Ev’ry heart with hope is beating,
For, at this exciting meeting
Fickle Fortune will decide
Who shall be our Bunthorne’s bride!

Ev’ry heart with hope is beating, For, at this exciting meeting
Fickle Fortune will decide
Who shall be our Bunthorne’s bride!

Let the merry cymbals sound,
Gaily pipe Pandaean pleasure,
With a Daphnephoric bound
Tread a gay but classic, classic measure, Tread a gay but classic, classic measure, A classic measure.

[DRAGOONS enter down R., forming a line diagonally up to up- stage, C.]

Chorus of Dragoons

Now tell us, we pray you,
Why thus they array you–
Oh, poet, how say you–
What is it you’ve [optional — you have] done?

Now tell us, we pray you,
Why thus they array you–
Oh, poet, how say you–
What is it you’ve done?
Oh, poet, how say you–
What is it you’ve done?

DUKE [C.] Of rite sacrificial,
By sentence judicial,
This seems the initial,
Then why don’t you run?

COLONEL [R.C.] They cannot have led you To hang or behead you,
Nor may they all wed you,
Unfortunate one!

DRAGOONS Then tell us, we pray you,
Why thus they array you–
Oh, poet, how say you–
What is it you’ve done?

[optional — Enter SOLICITOR.]

BUNTHORNE Heart-broken at my Patience’s barbarity, By the advice of my solicitor
In aid — in aid of a deserving charity, I’ve put myself up to be raffled for!

[He introduces his solicitor.]

MAIDENS By the advice of his solicitor, He’s put himself up to be raffled for!

DRAGOONS Oh, horror! urged by his solicitor, He’s put himself up to be raffled for!

MAIDENS Oh, heaven’s blessing on his solicitor!

DRAGOONS A hideous curse on his solicitor!

MAIDENS Oh, heaven’s blessing on his solicitor!

DRAGOONS A hideous curse on his solicitor!

MAIDENS DRAGOONS

A blessing on his solicitor! A curse, a curse on his solicitor!

[The SOLICITOR, horrified at the Dragoons’ curse, rushes off, L.]

COLONEL [R.C. BUNTHORNE up L., surrounded by the Ladies.] Stay, we implore you,
Before our hopes are blighted; You see before you
The men to whom you’re plighted!

DRAGOONS Stay, we implore you,
For we adore you;
To us you’re plighted
To be united–
Stay, we implore you, we implore you!

DUKE [C.] Your maiden hearts, ah, do not steel To pity’s eloquent appeal,
Such conduct British soldiers feel. [Aside ] Sigh, sigh, all sigh! [They all sigh.]

To foeman’s steel we rarely see
A British soldier bend the knee, Yet, one and all, they kneel to ye– [Aside ] Kneel, kneel, all kneel! [They all kneel.]

Our soldiers very seldom cry,
And yet — I need not tell you why– A tear-drop dews each martial eye!
[Aside ] Weep, weep, all weep! [They all weep.]

MAIDENS &
DRAGOONS Our/We soldiers very seldom cry, And yet — they/we need not tell us/you why–

ABOVE &
DUKE A tear-drop dews each eye/martial eye! Weep, weep, all weep!

[The Solicitor re-enters]

BUNTHORNE [coming briskly forward, L.C.] Come, walk up, and purchase with avidity, Overcome your diffidence and natural timidity, Tickets for the raffle should be purchased with avidity, Put in half a guinea and a husband you may gain– Such a judge of blue-and-white and other kinds of pottery– From early Oriental down to modern terra-cottary– Put in half a guinea — you may draw him in a lottery– Such an opportunity may not occur again.

MAIDENS Such a judge of blue-and-white and other kinds of pottery–
From early Oriental down to modern terra cottary– Put in half a guinea — you may draw him in a lottery– Such an opportunity may not occur again.

[MAIDENS crowd up to purchase tickets. DRAGOONS dance in single file round stage, to express their indifference.]

DRAGOONS We’ve been thrown over, we’re aware But we don’t care — but we don’t care! There’s fish in the sea, no doubt of it, As good as ever came out of it,
And some day we shall get our share, So we don’t care — so we don’t care!

[During this the GIRLS have been buying tickets, the Solicitor officiating. At last JANE presents herself. BUNTHORNE looks at her with aversion.]

BUNTHORNE And are you going a ticket for to buy?

JANE [surprised] Most certainly I am; why shouldn’t I?

BUNTHORNE [aside] Oh, Fortune, this is hard! [aloud] Blindfold your eyes;
Two minutes will decide who wins the prize! [GIRLS blindfold themselves.]

Chorus of MAIDENS

Oh, Fortune, to my aching heart be kind; Like us, thou art blindfolded, but not blind! Just raise your bandage, thus, [Each uncovers one eye.] that you may see,
And give the prize, and give the prize to me! [They cover their eyes again.]

BUNTHORNE Come, Lady Jane, I pray you draw the first!

JANE [joyfully] He loves me best!

BUNTHORNE [aside] I want to know the worst!

[JANE puts her hand in bag to draw ticket. PATIENCE enters and prevents her.]

PATIENCE Hold! Stay your hand!

ALL [uncovering their eyes]
What means this interference?
Of this bold girl I pray you make a clearance!

JANE Away with you, away with you, and to your milk-pails go!

BUNTHORNE [suddenly] She wants a ticket! Take a dozen!

PATIENCE No! If there be pardon in your breast For this poor penitent,
Who with remorseful thought opprest, Sincerely doth repent;
If you, with one so lowly, still Desire to be allied,
Then you may take me, if you will, For I will be your bride!
[She kneels to Bunthorne.]

CHORUS Oh, shameless one!
Oh, bold-faced thing!
Away you run–
Go, take your wing,
Oh, shameless one!
Oh, bold-faced thing!
Away you run–
Go, take your wing,
You shameless one!
You bold-faced thing!
[Bunthorne raises her.]

BUNTHORNE How strong is love! For many and many a week, She’s loved me fondly, and has feared to speak But Nature, for restraint too mighty far, Has burst the bonds of Art — and here we are!

PATIENCE No, Mister Bunthorne, no — you’re wrong again; Permit me — I’ll endeavour to explain!

True love must single-hearted be–

BUNTHORNE Exactly so!

PATIENCE From ev’ry selfish fancy free–

BUNTHORNE Exactly so!

PATIENCE No idle thought of gain or joy A maiden’s fancy should employ–
True love must be without alloy, True love must be without alloy.

MEN Exactly so!

PATIENCE Imposture to contempt must lead–

COLONEL Exactly so!

PATIENCE Blind vanity’s dissension’s seed–

MAJOR Exactly so!

PATIENCE It follows, then, a maiden who Devotes herself to loving you
Is prompted by no selfish view, Is prompted by no selfish view!

MEN Exactly so!

SAPHIR [coming L. of BUNTHORNE]
Are you resolved to wed this shameless one?

ANGELA [coming R. of BUNTHORNE]
Is there no chance for any other?

BUNTHORNE [decisively] None! [Embraces PATIENCE]

[Exit PATIENCE and BUNTHORNE, L. ANGELA, SAPHIR, and ELLA take COLONEL, DUKE, and MAJOR down, while GIRLS gaze fondly at other Officers.]

SEXTET
(ELLA, SAPHIR, ANGELA, DUKE, MAJOR, COLONEL)

I hear the soft note of the echoing voice Of an old, old love, long dead– It whispers my sorrowing heart “rejoice”– For the last sad tear is shed–
The pain that is all but a pleasure will change For the pleasure that’s all but pain, And never, oh never, this heart will range From that old, old love again!
[GIRLS embrace OFFICERS]

CHORUS Yes, the pain that is all but a pleasure will change For the pleasure that’s all but pain, And never, oh never, our hearts will range From that old, old love again!

DUKE CHORUS

Oh, never, oh never Oh, never, oh never our hearts will range our hearts, our hearts will range
From that old, old love again!

SEXTET CHORUS

Oh, never, oh never, Oh, never, oh never our hearts, our hearts will range Oh, never, our hearts will range From that old, old From that old, old love love again! again!

[The GIRLS embrace the Officers. Re-enter PATIENCE and BUNTHORNE. L.]

[As the DRAGOONS and GIRLS are embracing, enter GROSVENOR, R.U.E., reading. He takes no notice of them, but comes slowly down, still reading. The GIRLS are all strangely fascinated by him. The Chorus divides, L. & R., and the GIRLS are held back by the DRAGOONS, as they attempt to throw themselves at GROSVENOR. Fury of BUNTHORNE, who recognizes a rival.]

ANGELA [R.C.] But who is this, whose god-like grace Proclaims he comes of noble race?
And who is this, whose manly face Bears sorrow’s interesting trace?

CHORUS Yes, who is this, whose god-like grace Proclaims he comes of noble race?

GROSVENOR [C.] I am a broken-hearted troubadour, Whose mind’s aesthetic and whose tastes are pure!

ANGELA Aesthetic! He is aesthetic!

GROSVENOR Yes, yes — I am aesthetic And poetic!

MAIDENS Then, we love you!

[They break away from the DRAGOONS, and kneel to GROSVENOR.]

DRAGOONS They love him! Horror!

BUNTHORNE and
PATIENCE They love him! Horror!

GROSVENOR They love me! Horror! Horror! Horror!

ENSEMBLE
[all parts sung at the same time]

PATIENCE DUKE

List, Reginald, while I confess My jealousy I can’t express,
A love that’s all unselfishness, Their love they openly confess;
That it’s unselfish, goodness knows, His shell-like ears he does not close
You won’t dispute it, I suppose! To their recital of their woes.

ELLA, SAPHIR, ANGELA, JANE CHORUS

Oh, list while we a love confess Oh, list while we/they a love confess
That words imperfectly express.
Those shell-like ears, ah, do not close That words imperfectly express.
To blighted love’s distracting woes!

ENSEMBLE
[all parts sung at the same time]

MAJOR, COLONEL & BUNTHORNE GROSVENOR
My jealousy I can’t express, Again my cursed comeliness Their love they openly confess! Spreads hopeless anguish and
distress,
Their love they openly confess, Spreads hopeless anguish and
confess! distress, distress!

MAIDENS DRAGOONS

Yes, those shell-like ears, ah, do Yes, his shell-like ears not close he does not close To blighted love’s distracting To their recital of their woes!
woes!
To blighted love’s distracting woes, To their recital of their woes,
their woes! their woes!

ENSEMBLE
[all parts sung at the same time]

PATIENCE DUKE

Ah! Ah!

And I shall love you, I shall love. His shell-like ears he does not close
Your ears, ah, do not close! To love’s distracting woes!
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Now is not this ridiculous,
and is not this preposterous?
To blighted love’s distracting woes! A thorough-paced absurdity,
explain it if you can!
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Now is not this ridiculous,
and is not this preposterous?
To blighted love’s distracting woes! A thorough-paced absurdity,
explain it if you can!
To love’s, to love’s distracting woes! Explain, explain it if you can!
love’s woes! you can!

ELLA, SAPHIR, ANGELA, JANE MAIDENS

Oh, list while we our love confess Oh, list while we a love confess
That words imperfectly express. That words imperfectly express.
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Those shell-like ears, ah, do not
close
To love’s distracting woes! To love’s distracting woes!
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Those shell-like ears, ah, do not
close
To blighted love’s distracting woes! To blighted love’s distracting
woes!
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Those shell-like ears, ah, do not
close
To blighted love’s distracting woes! To blighted love’s distracting
woes!
To love’s, to love’s distracting woes! To love’s, to love’s distracting
love’s woes woes! love’s woes!

BUNTHORNE MAJOR and COLONEL

My jealousy I can’t express, My jealousy I can’t express,
Their love they openly confess. Their love they openly confess.
His shell-like ears he does not close His shell-like ears he does not close
To love’s distracting woes! To love’s distracting woes!
His shell-like ears he does not close Now is not this ridiculous,
and is not this preposterous?
To blighted love’s distracting A thorough-paced absurdity,
woes! explain it if you can!
His shell-like ears he does not close Now is not this ridiculous,
and is not this preposterous?
To blighted love’s distracting A thorough-paced absurdity,
woes! explain it if you can!
To love’s, to love’s distracting woes! Explain, explain it if you can!
love’s woes! you can!

GROSVENOR MALE CHORUS

Again my cursed comeliness Oh, list while they a love confess
Spreads hopeless anguish and That words imperfectly express.
distress;
Thine ears, oh, Fortune, do not close His shell-like ears He does not close
To love’s distracting woes! To love’s distracting woes!
My shell-like ears I can not close Now is not this ridiculous,
and is not this preposterous?
To blighted love’s distracting A thorough-paced absurdity,
woes! explain it if you can!
My shell-like ears I can not close Now is not this ridiculous,
and is not this preposterous?
To blighted love’s distracting A thorough-paced absurdity,
woes! explain it if you can!
To love’s, to love’s distracting woes! Explain, explain it if you can!
love’s woes! you can!

[GROSVENOR makes a wild effort to escape up-stage; the GIRLS drag him back and kneel as the curtain falls.]

END OF ACT I
ACT II

[SCENE — A wooded glade, with a view of open country in the background. The chorus of MAIDENS is heard singing in the distance. JANE is discovered leaning on a violoncello, which she has propped up on a tree-stump, L., and upon which she will presently accompany herself. As the Chorus ends, she speaks.]

No. 10. On such eyes as maidens cherish (Opening Chorus)

Maidens

On such eyes as maidens cherish Lest thy fond adorers gaze,
Or incontinently perish,
In their all-consuming rays! Or incontinently perish,
In their all-consuming rays!

JANE The fickle crew have deserted Reginald and sworn allegiance to his rival, and all, forsooth, because he has glanced with passing favour on a puling milkmaid! Fools! Of that fancy he will soon weary — and then, I, who alone am faithful to him, shall reap my reward. But do not dally too long, Reginald, for my charms are ripe, Reginald, and already they are decaying. Better secure me ere I have gone too far!

No. 11. Sad is that woman’s lot (Recitative and Solo)
Jane

JANE Sad is that woman’s lot who, year by year, Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear, When Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs, Impatiently begins to dim her eyes! Compelled, at last, in life’s uncertain gloamings, To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved “combings,”
Reduced, with rouge, lip-shade, and pearly grey, To “make up” for lost time as best she may!

Silvered is the raven hair,
Spreading is the parting straight, Mottled the complexion fair,
Halting is the youthful gait, Hollow is the laughter free,
Spectacled the limpid eye,
Little will be left of me
In the coming bye and bye!
Little will be left of me
In the coming bye and bye!

Fading is the taper waist,
Shapeless grows the shapely limb, And although severely laced,
Spreading is the figure trim!

Stouter than I used to be,
Still more corpulent grow I– There will be too much of me
In the coming by and bye!
There will be too much of me
In the coming by and bye!

[Exit, L., carrying her violoncello.]

[Enter GROSVENOR, R., followed by MAIDENS, two and two, playing on archaic instruments as in Act I. He is reading abstractedly, as BUNTHORNE did in Act I, and pays no attention to them.]

No. 12. Turn, oh, turn in this direction (Chorus)
Maidens

Turn, oh, turn in this direction, Shed, oh, shed a gentle smile,
With a glance of sad perfection, Our poor fainting hearts beguile!

On such eyes as maidens cherish
Let thy fond adorers gaze,
Or incontinently perish,
In their all-consuming rays! Or incontinently perish,
In their all-consuming rays!

[GROSVENOR sits, R.; they group themselves around him in a formation similar to that which opens Act I.]

GROS. [aside, not looking up] The old, old tale. How rapturously these maidens love me, and how hopelessly! [He looks up.] Oh, Patience, Patience, with the love of thee in my heart, what have I for these poor mad maidens but an unvalued pity? Alas, they will die of hopeless love for me, as I shall die of hopeless love for thee!

ANGELA Sir, will it please you read to us?

GROS. [sighing] Yes, child, if you will. What shall I read?

ANGELA One of your own poems.

GROS. One of my own poems? Better not, my child. They will not cure thee of thy love. [All sigh.]

ELLA Mr. Bunthorne used to read us a poem of his own every day.

SAPHIR And, to do him justice, he read them extremely well.

GROS. Oh, did he so? Well, who am I that I should take upon myself to withhold my gifts from you? What am I but a trustee? Here is a decalet — a pure and simple thing, a very daisy — a babe might understand it. To appreciate it, it is not necessary to think of anything at all.

ANGELA Let us think of nothing at all!

GROS. [reciting]

Gentle Jane was as good as gold, She always did as she was told;
She never spoke when her mouth was full, Or caught bluebottles their legs to pull, Or spilt plum jam on her nice new frock, Or put white mice in the eight-day clock, Or vivisected her last new doll,
Or fostered a passion for alcohol. And when she grew up she was given in marriage To a first-class earl who keeps his carriage!

GROS. I believe I am right in saying that there is not one word in that decalet which is calculated to bring the blush of shame to the cheek of modesty.

ANGELA Not one; it is purity itself.

GROS. Here’s another.

Teasing Tom was a very bad boy,
A great big squirt was his favourite toy He put live shrimps in his father’s boots, And sewed up the sleeves of his Sunday suits; He punched his poor little sisters’ heads, And cayenne-peppered their four-post beds; He plastered their hair with cobbler’s wax, And dropped hot halfpennies down their backs. The consequence was he was lost totally, And married a girl in the corps de bally!

[The MAIDENS express intense horror.]

ANGELA Marked you how grandly — how relentlessly — the damning catalogue of crime strode on, till Retribution, like a poised hawk, came swooping down upon the Wrong-Doer? Oh, it was terrible! [All shudder.]

ELLA Oh, sir, you are indeed a true poet, for you touch our hearts, and they go out to you!

GROS. [aside] This is simply cloying. [aloud] Ladies, I am sorry to appear ungallant, but this is Saturday, and you have been following me about ever since Monday. I should like the usual half-holiday. I shall take it as a personal favour if you will kindly allow me to close early to-day.

SAPHIR Oh, sir, do not send us from you!

GROS. Poor, poor girls! It is best to speak plainly. I know that I am loved by you, but I never can love you in return, for my heart is fixed elsewhere! Remember the fable of the Magnet and the Churn.

ANGELA [wildly] But we don’t know the fable of the Magnet and the Churn!

GROS. Don’t you? Then I will sing it to you.

No. 13. A magnet hung in a hardware shop (Solo and Chorus)
Grosvenor and Maidens

GROSVENOR A magnet hung in a hardware shop, And all around was a loving crop Of scissors and needles, nails and knives, Offering love for all their lives; But for iron the magnet felt no whim, Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him; From needles and nails and knives he’d turn, For he’d set his love on a Silver Churn!

MAIDENS A Silver Churn!

GROSVENOR A Silver Churn!

His most aesthetic,
Very magnetic
Fancy took this turn–
“If I can wheedle
A knife or a needle,
Why not a Silver Churn?”

MAIDENS His most aesthetic,
Very magnetic
Fancy took this turn–
“If I can wheedle
A knife or a needle,
Why not a Silver Churn?”

GROSVENOR [He rises, going C.]
And Iron and Steel expressed surprise, The needles opened their well-drilled eyes, The penknives felt “shut up”, no doubt, The scissors declared themselves “cut out”, The kettles they boiled with rage, ’tis said, While ev’ry nail went off its head, And hither and thither began to roam, Till a hammer came up and drove them home.

MAIDENS It drove them home?

GROSVENOR It drove them home!

While this magnetic,
Peripatetic
Lover he lived to learn,
By no endeavour
Can magnet ever
Attract a Silver Churn!

MAIDENS While this magnetic,
Peripatetic
Lover he lived to learn,

MAIDENS and
GROSVENOR By no endeavour
Can magnet ever
Attract a Silver Churn!

[They go off in low spirits, R.U.E., gazing back at him from time to time.]

GROS. At last they are gone! What is this mysterious fascination that I seem to exercise over all I come across? A curse on my fatal beauty, for I am sick of conquests! [Goes R.]

[Enter PATIENCE, L. Stops L.C. on seeing GROSVENOR.]

GROS. [Turns and sees her.] Patience!

PATIENCE I have escaped with difficulty from my Reginald. I wanted to see you so much that I might ask you if you still love me as fondly as ever?

GROS. Love you? If the devotion of a lifetime– [seizing her hand.]

PATIENCE [indignantly] Hold! Unhand me, or I scream! [He releases her.] If you are a gentleman, pray remember that I am another’s! [very tenderly.] But you do love me, don’t you?

GROS. Madly, hopelessly, despairingly!

PATIENCE That’s right! I never can be yours; but that’s right!

GROS. And you love this Bunthorne?

PATIENCE With a heart-whole ecstasy that withers, and scorches, and burns, and stings! [sadly] It is my duty.

GROS. Admirable girl! But you are not happy with him?

PATIENCE Happy? I am miserable beyond description!

GROS. That’s right! I never can be yours; but that’s right!

PATIENCE But go now. I see dear Reginald approaching. Farewell, dear Archibald; I cannot tell you how happy it has made me to know that you still love me.

GROS. Ah, if I only dared– [advancing towards her]

PATIENCE Sir! this language to one who is promised to another! [tenderly] Oh, Archibald, think of me sometimes, for my heart is breaking! He is unkind to me, and you would be so loving!

GROS. Loving! [advancing towards her]

PATIENCE Advance one step, and as I am a good and pure woman, I scream! [tenderly] Farewell, Archibald! [sternly] Stop there! [tenderly] Think of me sometimes! [angrily] Advance at your peril! Once more, adieu!

[GROSVENOR sighs, gazes sorrowfully at her, sighs deeply, and exits, R. She bursts into tears.]

[Enter BUNTHORNE, followed by JANE. He is moody and preoccupied.]

In a doleful train
(Solo)
Jane

JANE In a doleful train
One and one I walk all day; For I love in vain–
None so sorrowful as they
Who can only sigh and say, Woe is me, alackaday!

BUN. [seeing PATIENCE] Crying, eh? What are you crying about?

PATIENCE I’ve only been thinking how dearly I love you!

BUN. Love me! Bah!

JANE Love him! Bah!

BUN. [to JANE] Don’t you interfere.

JANE He always crushes me!

PATIENCE [going to him] What is the matter, dear Reginald? If you have any sorrow, tell it to me, that I may share it with you. [sighing] It is my duty!

BUN. [snappishly] Whom were you talking with just now?

PATIENCE With dear Archibald.

BUN. [furiously] With dear Archibald! Upon my honour, this is too much!

JANE A great deal too much!

BUN. [angrily to JANE] Do be quiet!

JANE Crushed again!

PATIENCE I think he is the noblest, purest, and most perfect being I have ever met. But I don’t love him. It is true that he is devotedly attached to me, but I don’t love him. Whenever he grows affectionate, I scream. It is my duty! [sighing]

BUN. I dare say!

JANE So do I! I dare say!

PATIENCE Why, how could I love him and love you too? You can’t love two people at once!

BUN. Oh, can’t you, though!

PATIENCE No, you can’t; I only wish you could.

BUN. I don’t believe you know what love is!

PATIENCE [sighing] Yes, I do. There was a happy time when I didn’t, but a bitter experience has taught me.

[BUNTHORNE, noticing that JANE is not looking at him, goes off quickly up R. She turns, sees him, and runs after him.]

No. 14. Love is a plaintive song (Solo)
Patience

PATIENCE Love is a plaintive song,
Sung by a suff’ring maid,
Telling a tale of wrong,
Telling of hope betrayed;
Tuned to each changing note,
Sorry when he is sad,
Blind to his ev’ry mote,
Merry when he is glad!
Merry when he is glad!
Love that no wrong can cure, Love that is always new,
That is the love that’s pure, That is the love that’s true! Love that no wrong can cure,
Love that is always new, That is the love that’s pure,
That is the love, the love that’s true!

Rendering good for ill,
Smiling at ev’ry frown,
Yielding your own self-will,
Laughing your teardrops down; Never a selfish whim,
Trouble, or pain to stir;
Everything for him,
Nothing at all for her!
Nothing at all for her!
Love that will aye endure, Though the rewards be few,
That is the love that’s pure, That is the love that’s true! Love that will aye endure,
Though the rewards be few, That is the love that’s pure,
That is the love, the love that’s true!

[At the end of ballad exit PATIENCE, L., weeping. Enter BUNTHORNE, R., JANE following.]

BUN. Everything has gone wrong with me since that smug-faced idiot came here. Before that I was admired — I may say, loved.

JANE Too mild — adored!

BUN. Do let a poet soliloquize! The damozels used to follow me wherever I went; now they all follow him!

JANE Not all! I am still faithful to you.

BUN. Yes, and a pretty damozel you are!

JANE No, not pretty. Massive. Cheer up! I will never leave you, I swear it!

BUN. Oh, thank you! I know what it is; it’s his confounded mildness. They find me too highly spiced, if you please! And no doubt I am highly spiced.

JANE Not for my taste!

BUN. [savagely] No, but I am for theirs. But I will show the world I can be as mild as he. If they want insipidity, they shall have it. I’ll meet this fellow on his own ground and beat him on it.

JANE You shall. And I will help you.

BUN. You will? Jane, there’s a good deal of good in you, after all!

No. 15. So go to him and say to him (Duet)
Jane and Bunthorne

[Dance]

JANE So go to him and say to him, with compliment ironical–
BUNTHORNE Sing “Hey to you–
Good-day to you”–
And that’s what I shall say!

JANE “Your style is much too sanctified — your cut is too canonical”–

BUNTHORNE Sing “Bah to you–
Ha! ha! to you”–
And that’s what I shall say!

JANE “I was the beau ideal of the morbid young aesthetical– To doubt my inspiration was regarded as heretical– Until you cut me out with your placidity emetical.”

BUNTHORNE Sing “Booh to you–
Pooh, pooh to you”–
And that’s what I shall say! Sing “Booh to you–
Pooh, pooh to you”–
And that’s what I shall say!

JANE BUNTHORNE

Sing “Hey to you — good-day to you”– “Hey, Sing “Bah to you — ha! ha! to you”– Good-day Sing “Booh to you — pooh, pooh to you”– Bah. And that’s what you should say! ha! ha!

Sing “Hey to you — good-day to you”– “Booh, Sing “Bah to you –ha! ha! to you”– pooh-pooh Sing “Booh to you”– Bah.
And that’s what you should say! And that’s what I shall say!
“Bah, bah,” “Booh, booh,” And that’s what you should say! And that’s what I shall say!
“Booh, booh,” “Bah, bah,” And that’s what you should say! And that’s what I shall say!

BUNTHORNE I’ll tell him that unless he will consent to be more jocular–

JANE Sing “Booh to you–
Pooh, pooh to you”–
And that’s what you should say!

BUNTHORNE To cut his curly hair, and stick an eyeglass in his ocular–

JANE Sing “Bah to you–
Ha! ha! to you”–
And that’s what you should say!

BUNTHORNE To stuff his conversation full of quibble and of quiddity,
To dine on chops and roly-poly pudding with avidity–
He’d better clear away with all convenient rapidity.

JANE Sing “Hey to you–
Good-day to you”–
And that’s what you should say!

BUNTHORNE Sing “Booh to you–
Pooh, pooh to you”–
And that’s what I shall say!

JANE BUNTHORNE

Sing “Hey to you — good-day to you”– “Hey, Sing “Bah to you — ha! ha! to you”– Good-day Sing “Booh to you — pooh, pooh to you”– Bah. And that’s what you should say! ha! ha!

Sing “Hey to you — good-day to you”– “Booh, Sing “Bah to you — ha! ha! to you”– pooh-pooh Sing “Booh to you”– Bah.
And that’s what you should say! And that’s what I shall say!
“Bah, bah,” “Booh, booh,” And that’s what you should say! And that’s what I shall say!
“Booh, booh,” “Bah, bah,” And that’s what you should say! And that’s what I shall say!

[They dance off, L.]

[Enter DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR, R. They have abandoned their uniforms, and are dressed and made up in imitation of Aesthetics. They have long hair, and other signs of attachment to the brotherhood. As they sing they walk in stiff, constrained, and angular attitudes — a grotesque exaggeration of the attitudes adopted by BUNTHORNE and the young LADIES in Act I.]

[Enter DUKE… enter MAJOR… enter COLONEL, Attitude. They walk to C.]

No. 16. It’s clear that mediaeval art (Trio)
Duke, Major, and Colonel

ALL It’s clear that medieval art alone retains its zest, To charm and please its devotees we’ve done our little best. We’re not quite sure if all we do has the Early English ring;
But, as far as we can judge, it’s something like this sort of thing:
You hold yourself like this, [attitude] You hold yourself like that, [attitude] By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat [attitude].
We venture to expect
That what we recollect,
Though but a part of true High Art, will have its due effect.

If this is not exactly right, we hope you won’t upbraid; You can’t get high Aesthetic tastes, like trousers, ready made.
True views on Medieavalism Time alone will bring, But, as far as we can judge, it’s something like this sort of thing:
You hold yourself like this, [attitude] You hold yourself like that, [attitude] By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat [attitude].
To cultivate the trim
Rigidity of limb,
You ought to get a Marionette, and form your style on him [attitude].

[Attitudes change in time to the music.]

COLONEL [attitude] Yes, it’s quite clear that our only chance of making a lasting impression on these young ladies is to become as aesthetic as they are.

MAJOR [attitude] No doubt. The only question is how far we’ve succeeded in doing so. I don’t know why, but I’ve an idea that this is not quite right.

DUKE [attitude] I don’t like it. I never did. I don’t see what it means. I do it, but I don’t like it.

COLONEL My good friend, the question is not whether we like it, but whether they do. They understand these things — we don’t. Now I shouldn’t be surprised if this is effective enough — at a distance.

MAJOR I can’t help thinking we’re a little stiff at it. It would be extremely awkward if we were to be “struck” so!

COLONEL I don’t think we shall be struck so. Perhaps we’re a little awkward at first — but everything must have a beginning. Oh, here they come! ‘Tention!

[They strike fresh attitudes, as ANGELA and SAPHIR enter, L.]

ANGELA [seeing them] Oh, Saphir — see — see! The immortal fire has descended on them, and they are of the Inner Brotherhood — perceptively intense and consummately utter.

[The OFFICERS have some difficulty in maintaining their constrained attitudes.]

SAPHIR [in admiration] How Botticelian! How Fra Angelican! Oh, Art, we thank thee for this boon!

COLONEL [apologetically] I’m afraid we’re not quite right.

ANGELA Not supremely, perhaps, but oh, so all — but! [to SAPHIR] Oh, Saphir, are they not quite too all — but?

SAPHIR They are indeed jolly utter!

MAJOR [in agony] I wonder what the Inner Brotherhood usually recommend for cramp?

COLONEL Ladies, we will not deceive you. We are doing this at some personal inconvenience with a view of expressing the extremity of our devotion to you. We trust that it is not without its effect.

ANGELA We will not deny that we are much moved by this proof of your attachment.

SAPHIR Yes, your conversion to the principles of Aesthetic Art in its highest development has touched us deeply.

ANGELA And if Mr. Bunthorne should remain obdurate–

SAPHIR Which we have every reason to believe he will–

MAJOR [aside, in agony] I wish they’d make haste! [The others hush him.]

ANGELA We are not prepared to say that our yearning hearts will not go out to you.

COLONEL [as giving a word of command] By sections of threes — Rapture! [All strike a fresh attitude, expressive of aesthetic rapture.]

SAPHIR Oh, it’s extremely good — for beginners it’s admirable.

MAJOR The only question is, who will take who?

COLONEL Oh, the Duke chooses first, as a matter of course.

DUKE Oh, I couldn’t thank of it — you are really too good!

COLONEL Nothing of the kind. You are a great matrimonial fish, and it’s only fair that each of these ladies should have a chance of hooking you. It’s perfectly simple. Observe, suppose you choose Angela, I take Saphir, Major takes nobody. [with increasing speed] Suppose you choose Saphir, Major tales Angela, I take nobody. Suppose you choose neither, I take Angela, Major takes Saphir. Clear as day!

[The officers, with obvious relief, abandon their aesthetic attitudes, and, with the Ladies, dance into position. L. to R. 1st verse: Colonel with Angela; Duke with Saphir; Major alone. 2nd verse: Colonel alone; Angela with Duke; Saphir with Major. 3rd verse: Colonel with Saphir; Duke alone; Angela with Major.]

No. 17. If Saphir I choose to marry Quintet
Duke, Colonel, Major, Angela, and Saphir

DUKE If Saphir I choose to marry,
I shall be fixed up for life; Then the Colonel need not tarry, Angela can be his wife.

MAJOR In that case unprecedented, Single I shall live and die–
I shall have to be contented With their heartfelt sympathy!

ALL He will have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy! In that case unprecedented,
Single he/I will/shall live and die– He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy! He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy! He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

DUKE If on Angy I determine,
At my wedding she’ll appear, Decked in diamond and ermine.
Major then can take Saphir!

COLONEL In that case unprecedented, Single I shall live and die–
I shall have to be contented With their heartfelt sympathy!

ALL He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy! In that case unprecedented,
Single he/I will/shall live and die– He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy! He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy! He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

[Positions at beginning of Verse 3: L. to R., COLONEL, ANGELA, DUKE, SAPHIR, MAJOR]

DUKE After some debate internal,
If on neither I decide,
Saphir then can take the Colonel,

[Hands her to the COLONEL.]

Angy be the Major’s bride!

[Hands her to the MAJOR.]

In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die– I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy!

ALL He will have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy! In that case unprecedented,
Single he/I will/shall live and die– He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy! He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy! He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

[They dance off, arm-in-arm, up-stage and off, L.U.E., the COLONEL leading with SAPHIR.]

[Enter GROSVENOR, R.U.E.]

GROS. It is very pleasant to be alone. It is pleasant to be able to gaze at leisure upon those features which all others may gaze upon at their good will! [Looking at his reflection in hand-mirror.] Ah, I am a very Narcissus!

[Enter BUNTHORNE, L. moodily.]

BUN. It’s no use; I can’t live without admiration. Since Grosvenor came here, insipidity has been at a premium. Ah, he is there!

GROS. Ah, Bunthorne! Come here — look! Very graceful, isn’t it!

BUN. [taking hand-mirror] Allow me; I haven’t seen it. Yes, it is graceful.

GROS. [taking back the mirror) Oh, good gracious! not that — this–

BUN. You don’t mean that! Bah! I am in no mood for trifling.

GROS. And what is amiss?

BUN. Ever since you came here, you have entirely monopolized the attentions of the young ladies. I don’t like it, sir!

GROS. My dear sir, how can I help it? They are the plague of my life. My dear Mr. Bunthorne, with your personal disadvantages, you can have no idea of the inconvenience of being madly loved, at first sight, by every woman you meet.

BUN. Sir, until you came here I was adored!

GROS. Exactly — until I came here. That’s my grievance. I cut everybody out! I assure you, if you could only suggest some means whereby, consistently with my duty to society, I could escape these inconvenient attentions, you would earn my everlasting gratitude.

BUN. I will do so at once. However popular it may be with the world at large, your personal appearance is highly objectionable to me.

GROS. It is? [shaking his hand] Oh, thank you! thank you! How can I express my gratitude?

BUN. By making a complete change at once. Your conversation must henceforth be perfectly matter-of-fact. You must cut your hair, and have a back parting. In appearance and costume you must be absolutely commonplace.

GROS. [decidedly] No. Pardon me, that’s impossible.

BUN. Take care! When I am thwarted I am very terrible.

GROS. I can’t help that. I am a man with a mission. And that mission must be fulfilled.

BUN. I don’t think you quite appreciate the consequences of thwarting me.

GROS. I don’t care what they are.

BUN. Suppose — I won’t go so far as to say that I will do it — but suppose for one moment I were to curse you? [GROSVENOR quails.] Ah! Very well. Take care.

GROS. But surely you would never do that? [In great alarm]

BUN. I don’t know. It would be an extreme measure, no doubt. Still–

GROS. [wildly] But you would not do it — I am sure you would not. [Throwing himself at BUNTHORNE’s knees, and clinging to him] Oh, reflect, reflect! You had a mother once.

BUN. Never!

GROS. Then you had an aunt! [BUNTHORNE affected.] Ah! I see you had! By the memory of that aunt, I implore you to pause ere you resort to this last fearful expedient. Oh, Mr. Bunthorne, reflect, reflect! [Weeping]

BUN. [aside, after a struggle with himself] I must not allow myself to be unmanned! [aloud] It is useless. Consent at once, or may a nephew’s curse–

GROS. Hold! Are you absolutely resolved?

BUN. Absolutely.

GROS. Will nothing shake you?

BUN. Nothing. I am adamant.

GROS. Very good. [rising] Then I yield.

BUN. Ha! You swear it?

GROS. I do, cheerfully. I have long wished for a reasonable pretext for such a change as you suggest. It has come at last. I do it on compulsion!

BUN. Victory! I triumph!

No. 18. When I go out of door (Duet)
Bunthorne and Grosvenor

[Each one dances around the stage while the other is singing his solo verses.]

BUNTHORNE When I go out of door,
Of damozels a score
(All sighing and burning, And clinging and yearning)
Will follow me as before.

I shall, with cultured taste, Distinguish gems from paste,
And “High diddle diddle”
Will rank as an idyll,
If I pronounce it chaste!

BOTH A most intense young man, A soulful-eyed young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, Out-of-the-way young man!

GROSVENOR Conceive me, if you can,
An ev’ryday young man:
A commonplace type,
With a stick and a pipe,
And a half-bred black-and-tan; Who thinks suburban “hops”
More fun than “Monday Pops,”– Who’s fond of his dinner,
And doesn’t get thinner
On bottled beer and chops.

BOTH A commonplace young man,
A matter-of-fact young man– A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday, Every-day young man!

BUNTHORNE A Japanese young man– A blue-and-white young man–
Francesca di Rimini, miminy, piminy, Je-ne-sais-quoi young man!

GROSVENOR A Chancery lane young man– A Somerset House young man,–
A very delectable, highly respectable Three-penny-bus young man!

BUNTHORNE A pallid and thin young man– A haggard and lank young man,
A greenery-yallery, Grosvenor Gallery, Foot-in-the-grave young man!

GROSVENOR A Sewell and Cross young man, A Howell & James young man, A pushing young particle — “What’s the next article?”–
Waterloo House young man!

BUNTHORNE GROSVENOR

Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can, A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man, An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical, arithmetical,
Out-of-the way young man! Every day young man!

Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can, A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man, An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical, arithmetical,
Out-of-the way young man! Every day young man!

[GROSVENOR dances off, L.U.E. ]

BUN. It is all right! I have committed my last act of ill- nature, and henceforth I’m a changed character.

[Dances about stage, humming refrain of last air. Enter PATIENCE, L. She gazes in astonishment at him.]

PATIENCE Reginald! Dancing! And — what in the world is the matter with you?

BUN. Patience, I’m a changed man. Hitherto I’ve been gloomy, moody, fitful — uncertain in temper and selfish in disposition–

PATIENCE You have, indeed! [sighing]

BUN. All that is changed. I have reformed. I have modelled myself upon Mr. Grosvenor. Henceforth I am mildly cheerful. My conversation will blend amusement with instruction. I shall still be aesthetic; but my aestheticism will be of the most pastoral kind.

PATIENCE Oh, Reginald! Is all this true?

BUN. Quite true. Observe how amiable I am. [Assuming a fixed smile]

PATIENCE But, Reginald, how long will this last?

BUN. With occasional intervals for rest and refreshment, as long as I do.

PATIENCE Oh, Reginald, I’m so happy! Oh, dear, dear Reginald, I cannot express the joy I feel at this change. It will no longer be a duty to love you, but a pleasure — a rapture — an ecstasy!

BUN. My darling! [embracing her]

PATIENCE But — oh, horror! [recoiling from him]

BUN. What’s the matter?

PATIENCE Is it quite certain that you have absolutely reformed – – that you are henceforth a perfect being — utterly free from defect of any kind?

BUN. It is quite certain. I have sworn it.

PATIENCE Then I never can be yours! [crossing to R.C.]

BUN. Why not?

PATIENCE Love, to be pure, must be absolutely unselfish, and there can be nothing unselfish in loving so perfect a being as you have now become!

BUN. But, stop a bit. I don’t want to change — I’ll relapse — I’ll be as I was — interrupted!

[Enter GROSVENOR, L.U.E., followed by all the young LADIES, who are followed by Chorus of DRAGOONS. He has had his hair cut, and is dressed in an ordinary suit and a bowler hat. They all dance cheerfully round the stage in marked contrast to their former languor.]

No. 19. I’m a Waterloo House young man (Solo and Chorus)
Grosvenor and Maidens

GROSVENOR I’m a Waterloo House young man, A Sewell & Cross young man,
A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday, Everyday young man.

MAIDENS We’re Swears & Wells young girls, We’re Madame Louise young girls,
We’re prettily pattering, cheerily chattering, Every-day young girls.

BUN. [C.] Angela — Ella — Saphir — what — what does this mean?

ANGELA [R.] It means that Archibald the All-Right cannot be all- wrong; and if the All-Right chooses to discard aestheticism, it proves that aestheticism ought to be discarded.

PATIENCE Oh, Archibald! Archibald! I’m shocked — surprised — horrified!

GROS. [L.C.] I can’t help it. I’m not a free agent. I do it on compulsion.

PATIENCE This is terrible. Go! I shall never set eyes on you again. But — oh, joy!

GROS.[L.C.] What is the matter?

PATIENCE [R.C.] Is it quite, quite certain that you will always be a commonplace young man?

GROS. Always — I’ve sworn it.

PATIENCE Why, then, there’s nothing to prevent my loving you with all the fervour at my command!

GROS. Why, that’s true.

PATIENCE [crossing to him] My Archibald!

GROS. My Patience! [They embrace.]

BUN. Crushed again!

[Enter JANE, L.]

JANE [who is still aesthetic] Cheer up! I am still here. I have never left you, and I never will!

BUN. Thank you, Jane. After all, there is no denying it, you’re a fine figure of a woman!

JANE My Reginald!

BUN. My Jane! [They embrace.]

Fanfare

[Enter, R., COLONEL, MAJOR, and DUKE. They are again in uniform.]

COLONEL Ladies, the Duke has at length determined to select a bride!

[General excitement]

DUKE [R.] I have a great gift to bestow. Approach, such of you as are truly lovely. [All the MAIDENS come forward, bashfully, except JANE and PATIENCE.] In personal appearance you have all that is necessary to make a woman happy. In common fairness, I think I ought to choose the only one among you who has the misfortune to be distinctly plain. [Girls retire disappointed.] Jane!

JANE [leaving BUNTHORNE’s arms] Duke! [JANE and DUKE embrace. BUNTHORNE is utterly disgusted.]

BUN. Crushed again!

No. 20. After much debate internal (Finale of Act II)
Ensemble

DUKE [R.C.] After much debate internal, I on Lady Jane decide,
Saphir now may take the Col’nel, Angry be the Major’s bride!

[SAPHIR pairs off with COLONEL, R., ANGELA with MAJOR, L.C., ELLA with SOLICITOR, L.]

BUNTHORNE [C.] In that case unprecedented, Single I must live and die–
I shall have to be contented With a tulip or li-ly!

[BUNTHORNE, C., takes a lily from buttonhole and gazes affectionately at it.]

SAPHIR, ELLA,
ANGELA, DUKE,
BUNTHORNE and
COLONEL He will have to be contented With a tulip or li-ly!

ALL In that case unprecedented,
Single he/I must live and die– He will/I shall have to be contented With a tulip or li-ly!

Greatly pleased with one another, To get married we/they decide. Each of us/them will wed the other, Nobody be Bunthorne’s Bride!

Dance

End of Opera