Part 3 out of 3
have it; and it consisted--in part at least--of his coming
in at about eight o'clock and sitting down with me in silence.
On the removal of the tea things I had blown out the candles
and drawn my chair closer: I was conscious of a mortal coldness
and felt as if I should never again be warm. So, when he appeared,
I was sitting in the glow with my thoughts. He paused a moment
by the door as if to look at me; then--as if to share them--
came to the other side of the hearth and sank into a chair.
We sat there in absolute stillness; yet he wanted, I felt,
to be with me.
Before a new day, in my room, had fully broken, my eyes opened
to Mrs. Grose, who had come to my bedside with worse news.
Flora was so markedly feverish that an illness was perhaps at hand;
she had passed a night of extreme unrest, a night agitated above
all by fears that had for their subject not in the least her former,
but wholly her present, governess. It was not against the possible
re-entrance of Miss Jessel on the scene that she protested--
it was conspicuously and passionately against mine. I was promptly
on my feet of course, and with an immense deal to ask; the more that my
friend had discernibly now girded her loins to meet me once more.
This I felt as soon as I had put to her the question of her sense
of the child's sincerity as against my own. "She persists in denying
to you that she saw, or has ever seen, anything?"
My visitor's trouble, truly, was great. "Ah, miss, it isn't a matter on which
I can push her! Yet it isn't either, I must say, as if I much needed to.
It has made her, every inch of her, quite old."
"Oh, I see her perfectly from here. She resents, for all
the world like some high little personage, the imputation
on her truthfulness and, as it were, her respectability.
`Miss Jessel indeed--SHE!' Ah, she's `respectable,' the chit!
The impression she gave me there yesterday was, I assure you,
the very strangest of all; it was quite beyond any of the others.
I DID put my foot in it! She'll never speak to me again."
Hideous and obscure as it all was, it held Mrs. Grose briefly silent;
then she granted my point with a frankness which, I made sure,
had more behind it. "I think indeed, miss, she never will.
She do have a grand manner about it!"
"And that manner"--I summed it up--"is practically what's the matter
with her now!"
Oh, that manner, I could see in my visitor's face, and not
a little else besides! "She asks me every three minutes if I
think you're coming in."
"I see--I see." I, too, on my side, had so much more than worked it out.
"Has she said to you since yesterday--except to repudiate her familiarity
with anything so dreadful--a single other word about Miss Jessel?"
"Not one, miss. And of course you know," my friend added,
"I took it from her, by the lake, that, just then and there
at least, there WAS nobody."
"Rather! and, naturally, you take it from her still."
"I don't contradict her. What else can I do?"
"Nothing in the world! You've the cleverest little person to deal with.
They've made them--their two friends, I mean--still cleverer
even than nature did; for it was wondrous material to play on!
Flora has now her grievance, and she'll work it to the end."
"Yes, miss; but to WHAT end?"
"Why, that of dealing with me to her uncle. She'll make me out to him
the lowest creature--!"
I winced at the fair show of the scene in Mrs. Grose's face;
she looked for a minute as if she sharply saw them together.
"And him who thinks so well of you!"
"He has an odd way--it comes over me now," I laughed,"--of proving it!
But that doesn't matter. What Flora wants, of course, is to get rid of me."
My companion bravely concurred. "Never again to so much as look at you."
"So that what you've come to me now for," I asked, "is to speed me on
my way?" Before she had time to reply, however, I had her in check.
"I've a better idea--the result of my reflections. My going WOULD seem
the right thing, and on Sunday I was terribly near it. Yet that won't do.
It's YOU who must go. You must take Flora."
My visitor, at this, did speculate. "But where in the world--?"
"Away from here. Away from THEM. Away, even most of all, now, from me.
Straight to her uncle."
"Only to tell on you--?"
"No, not `only'! To leave me, in addition, with my remedy."
She was still vague. "And what IS your remedy?"
"Your loyalty, to begin with. And then Miles's."
She looked at me hard. "Do you think he--?"
"Won't, if he has the chance, turn on me? Yes, I venture still
to think it. At all events, I want to try. Get off with his
sister as soon as possible and leave me with him alone."
I was amazed, myself, at the spirit I had still in reserve,
and therefore perhaps a trifle the more disconcerted
at the way in which, in spite of this fine example of it,
she hesitated. "There's one thing, of course," I went on:
"they mustn't, before she goes, see each other for three seconds."
Then it came over me that, in spite of Flora's presumable
sequestration from the instant of her return from the pool,
it might already be too late. "Do you mean," I anxiously asked,
"that they HAVE met?"
At this she quite flushed. "Ah, miss, I'm not such a fool as that!
If I've been obliged to leave her three or four times,
it has been each time with one of the maids, and at present,
though she's alone, she's locked in safe. And yet--and yet!"
There were too many things.
"And yet what?"
"Well, are you so sure of the little gentleman?"
"I'm not sure of anything but YOU. But I have, since last evening,
a new hope. I think he wants to give me an opening.
I do believe that--poor little exquisite wretch!--he wants to speak.
Last evening, in the firelight and the silence, he sat with me
for two hours as if it were just coming."
Mrs. Grose looked hard, through the window, at the gray, gathering day.
"And did it come?"
"No, though I waited and waited, I confess it didn't, and it was
without a breach of the silence or so much as a faint allusion to his
sister's condition and absence that we at last kissed for good night.
All the same," I continued, "I can't, if her uncle sees her,
consent to his seeing her brother without my having given the boy--
and most of all because things have got so bad--a little more time."
My friend appeared on this ground more reluctant than I could
quite understand. "What do you mean by more time?"
"Well, a day or two--really to bring it out. He'll then be on
MY side--of which you see the importance. If nothing comes,
I shall only fail, and you will, at the worst, have helped me by doing,
on your arrival in town, whatever you may have found possible."
So I put it before her, but she continued for a little so inscrutably
embarrassed that I came again to her aid. "Unless, indeed,"
I wound up, "you really want NOT to go."
I could see it, in her face, at last clear itself;
she put out her hand to me as a pledge. "I'll go--I'll go.
I'll go this morning."
I wanted to be very just. "If you SHOULD wish still to wait,
I would engage she shouldn't see me."
"No, no: it's the place itself. She must leave it."
She held me a moment with heavy eyes, then brought out the rest.
"Your idea's the right one. I myself, miss--"
"I can't stay."
The look she gave me with it made me jump at possibilities.
"You mean that, since yesterday, you HAVE seen--?"
She shook her head with dignity. "I've HEARD--!"
"From that child--horrors! There!" she sighed with tragic relief.
"On my honor, miss, she says things--!" But at this evocation she broke down;
she dropped, with a sudden sob, upon my sofa and, as I had seen her do before,
gave way to all the grief of it.
It was quite in another manner that I, for my part, let myself go.
"Oh, thank God!"
She sprang up again at this, drying her eyes with a groan. "'Thank God'?"
"It so justifies me!"
"It does that, miss!"
I couldn't have desired more emphasis, but I just hesitated.
"She's so horrible?"
I saw my colleague scarce knew how to put it. "Really shocking."
"And about me?"
"About you, miss--since you must have it. It's beyond everything,
for a young lady; and I can't think wherever she must have picked up--"
"The appalling language she applied to me? I can, then!"
I broke in with a laugh that was doubtless significant enough.
It only, in truth, left my friend still more grave.
"Well, perhaps I ought to also--since I've heard some of it before!
Yet I can't bear it," the poor woman went on while, with the same movement,
she glanced, on my dressing table, at the face of my watch.
"But I must go back."
I kept her, however. "Ah, if you can't bear it--!"
"How can I stop with her, you mean? Why, just FOR that:
to get her away. Far from this," she pursued, "far from THEM-"
"She may be different? She may be free?" I seized her almost with joy.
"Then, in spite of yesterday, you BELIEVE--"
"In such doings?" Her simple description of them required,
in the light of her expression, to be carried no further,
and she gave me the whole thing as she had never done.
Yes, it was a joy, and we were still shoulder to shoulder: if I might
continue sure of that I should care but little what else happened.
My support in the presence of disaster would be the same as it had
been in my early need of confidence, and if my friend would answer
for my honesty, I would answer for all the rest. On the point of
taking leave of her, nonetheless, I was to some extent embarrassed.
"There's one thing, of course--it occurs to me--to remember.
My letter, giving the alarm, will have reached town before you."
I now perceived still more how she had been beating about the bush and
how weary at last it had made her. "Your letter won't have got there.
Your letter never went."
"What then became of it?"
"Goodness knows! Master Miles--"
"Do you mean HE took it?" I gasped.
She hung fire, but she overcame her reluctance. "I mean that I saw yesterday,
when I came back with Miss Flora, that it wasn't where you had put it.
Later in the evening I had the chance to question Luke, and he declared
that he had neither noticed nor touched it." We could only exchange, on this,
one of our deeper mutual soundings, and it was Mrs. Grose who first brought
up the plumb with an almost elated "You see!"
"Yes, I see that if Miles took it instead he probably will have read it
and destroyed it."
"And don't you see anything else?"
I faced her a moment with a sad smile. "It strikes me that by this
time your eyes are open even wider than mine."
They proved to be so indeed, but she could still blush, almost, to show it.
"I make out now what he must have done at school." And she gave,
in her simple sharpness, an almost droll disillusioned nod. "He stole!"
I turned it over--I tried to be more judicial. "Well--perhaps."
She looked as if she found me unexpectedly calm.
"He stole LETTERS!"
She couldn't know my reasons for a calmness after all
pretty shallow; so I showed them off as I might.
"I hope then it was to more purpose than in this case!
The note, at any rate, that I put on the table yesterday,"
I pursued, "will have given him so scant an advantage--
for it contained only the bare demand for an interview--
that he is already much ashamed of having gone so far
for so little, and that what he had on his mind last evening
was precisely the need of confession." I seemed to myself,
for the instant, to have mastered it, to see it all.
"Leave us, leave us"--I was already, at the door, hurrying her off.
"I'll get it out of him. He'll meet me--he'll confess.
If he confesses, he's saved. And if he's saved--"
"Then YOU are?" The dear woman kissed me on this,
and I took her farewell. "I'll save you without him!"
she cried as she went.
Yet it was when she had got off--and I missed her on the spot--
that the great pinch really came. If I had counted on
what it would give me to find myself alone with Miles,
I speedily perceived, at least, that it would give me a measure.
No hour of my stay in fact was so assailed with apprehensions
as that of my coming down to learn that the carriage containing
Mrs. Grose and my younger pupil had already rolled out of the gates.
Now I WAS, I said to myself, face to face with the elements,
and for much of the rest of the day, while I fought
my weakness, I could consider that I had been supremely rash.
It was a tighter place still than I had yet turned round in;
all the more that, for the first time, I could see in
the aspect of others a confused reflection of the crisis.
What had happened naturally caused them all to stare;
there was too little of the explained, throw out whatever we might,
in the suddenness of my colleague's act. The maids and the men
looked blank; the effect of which on my nerves was an aggravation
until I saw the necessity of making it a positive aid.
It was precisely, in short, by just clutching the helm
that I avoided total wreck; and I dare say that, to bear up
at all, I became, that morning, very grand and very dry.
I welcomed the consciousness that I was charged with much to do,
and I caused it to be known as well that, left thus to myself,
I was quite remarkably firm. I wandered with that manner,
for the next hour or two, all over the place and looked,
I have no doubt, as if I were ready for any onset.
So, for the benefit of whom it might concern, I paraded
with a sick heart.
The person it appeared least to concern proved to be,
till dinner, little Miles himself. My perambulations had
given me, meanwhile, no glimpse of him, but they had tended
to make more public the change taking place in our relation
as a consequence of his having at the piano, the day before,
kept me, in Flora's interest, so beguiled and befooled.
The stamp of publicity had of course been fully given by her
confinement and departure, and the change itself was now ushered
in by our nonobservance of the regular custom of the schoolroom.
He had already disappeared when, on my way down, I pushed
open his door, and I learned below that he had breakfasted--
in the presence of a couple of the maids--with Mrs. Grose
and his sister. He had then gone out, as he said, for a stroll;
than which nothing, I reflected, could better have expressed
his frank view of the abrupt transformation of my office.
What he would not permit this office to consist of was yet
to be settled: there was a queer relief, at all events--I mean
for myself in especial--in the renouncement of one pretension.
If so much had sprung to the surface, I scarce put it too
strongly in saying that what had perhaps sprung highest
was the absurdity of our prolonging the fiction that I had
anything more to teach him. It sufficiently stuck out that,
by tacit little tricks in which even more than myself he carried
out the care for my dignity, I had had to appeal to him to let me
off straining to meet him on the ground of his true capacity.
He had at any rate his freedom now; I was never to touch it again;
as I had amply shown, moreover, when, on his joining me in
the schoolroom the previous night, I had uttered, on the subject
of the interval just concluded, neither challenge nor hint.
I had too much, from this moment, my other ideas.
Yet when he at last arrived, the difficulty of applying them,
the accumulations of my problem, were brought straight home to me
by the beautiful little presence on which what had occurred
had as yet, for the eye, dropped neither stain nor shadow.
To mark, for the house, the high state I cultivated I
decreed that my meals with the boy should be served,
as we called it, downstairs; so that I had been awaiting
him in the ponderous pomp of the room outside of the window
of which I had had from Mrs. Grose, that first scared Sunday,
my flash of something it would scarce have done to call light.
Here at present I felt afresh--for I had felt it again and again--
how my equilibrium depended on the success of my rigid will,
the will to shut my eyes as tight as possible to the truth
that what I had to deal with was, revoltingly, against nature.
I could only get on at all by taking "nature" into my
confidence and my account, by treating my monstrous
ordeal as a push in a direction unusual, of course,
and unpleasant, but demanding, after all, for a fair front,
only another turn of the screw of ordinary human virtue.
No attempt, nonetheless, could well require more tact than
just this attempt to supply, one's self, ALL the nature.
How could I put even a little of that article into a suppression
of reference to what had occurred? How, on the other hand, could I
make reference without a new plunge into the hideous obscure?
Well, a sort of answer, after a time, had come to me, and it
was so far confirmed as that I was met, incontestably, by the
quickened vision of what was rare in my little companion.
It was indeed as if he had found even now--as he had so often
found at lessons--still some other delicate way to ease me off.
Wasn't there light in the fact which, as we shared our solitude,
broke out with a specious glitter it had never yet quite worn?--
the fact that (opportunity aiding, precious opportunity which had
now come) it would be preposterous, with a child so endowed,
to forego the help one might wrest from absolute intelligence?
What had his intelligence been given him for but to save him?
Mightn't one, to reach his mind, risk the stretch of an angular
arm over his character? It was as if, when we were face
to face in the dining room, he had literally shown me the way.
The roast mutton was on the table, and I had dispensed
with attendance. Miles, before he sat down, stood a moment
with his hands in his pockets and looked at the joint,
on which he seemed on the point of passing some humorous judgment.
But what he presently produced was: "I say, my dear, is she
really very awfully ill?"
"Little Flora? Not so bad but that she'll presently be better.
London will set her up. Bly had ceased to agree with her.
Come here and take your mutton."
He alertly obeyed me, carried the plate carefully
to his seat, and, when he was established, went on.
"Did Bly disagree with her so terribly suddenly?"
"Not so suddenly as you might think. One had seen it coming on."
"Then why didn't you get her off before?"
"Before she became too ill to travel."
I found myself prompt. "She's NOT too ill to travel:
she only might have become so if she had stayed.
This was just the moment to seize. The journey will dissipate
the influence"--oh, I was grand!--"and carry it off."
"I see, I see"--Miles, for that matter, was grand, too. He settled
to his repast with the charming little "table manner" that, from the day
of his arrival, had relieved me of all grossness of admonition.
Whatever he had been driven from school for, it was not for ugly feeding.
He was irreproachable, as always, today; but he was unmistakably
more conscious. He was discernibly trying to take for granted
more things than he found, without assistance, quite easy;
and he dropped into peaceful silence while he felt his situation.
Our meal was of the briefest--mine a vain pretense, and I had the things
immediately removed. While this was done Miles stood again with his
hands in his little pockets and his back to me--stood and looked
out of the wide window through which, that other day, I had seen
what pulled me up. We continued silent while the maid was with us--
as silent, it whimsically occurred to me, as some young couple who,
on their wedding journey, at the inn, feel shy in the presence
of the waiter. He turned round only when the waiter had left us.
"Well--so we're alone!"
"Oh, more or less." I fancy my smile was pale. "Not absolutely.
We shouldn't like that!" I went on.
"No--I suppose we shouldn't. Of course we have the others."
"We have the others--we have indeed the others," I concurred.
"Yet even though we have them," he returned, still with his
hands in his pockets and planted there in front of me,
"they don't much count, do they?"
I made the best of it, but I felt wan.
"It depends on what you call `much'!"
"Yes"--with all accommodation--"everything depends!"
On this, however, he faced to the window again and presently
reached it with his vague, restless, cogitating step.
He remained there awhile, with his forehead against the glass,
in contemplation of the stupid shrubs I knew and the dull
things of November. I had always my hypocrisy of "work,"
behind which, now, I gained the sofa. Steadying myself
with it there as I had repeatedly done at those moments
of torment that I have described as the moments of my knowing
the children to be given to something from which I was barred,
I sufficiently obeyed my habit of being prepared for the worst.
But an extraordinary impression dropped on me as I
extracted a meaning from the boy's embarrassed back--
none other than the impression that I was not barred now.
This inference grew in a few minutes to sharp intensity
and seemed bound up with the direct perception that it was
positively HE who was. The frames and squares of the great
window were a kind of image, for him, of a kind of failure.
I felt that I saw him, at any rate, shut in or shut out.
He was admirable, but not comfortable: I took it in with a
throb of hope. Wasn't he looking, through the haunted pane,
for something he couldn't see?--and wasn't it the first time
in the whole business that he had known such a lapse?
The first, the very first: I found it a splendid portent.
It made him anxious, though he watched himself; he had been
anxious all day and, even while in his usual sweet little
manner he sat at table, had needed all his small strange
genius to give it a gloss. When he at last turned round
to meet me, it was almost as if this genius had succumbed.
"Well, I think I'm glad Bly agrees with ME!"
"You would certainly seem to have seen, these twenty-four hours,
a good deal more of it than for some time before. I hope,"
I went on bravely, "that you've been enjoying yourself."
"Oh, yes, I've been ever so far; all round about--miles and miles away.
I've never been so free."
He had really a manner of his own, and I could only try to keep up with him.
"Well, do you like it?"
He stood there smiling; then at last he put into two words--"Do YOU?"--
more discrimination than I had ever heard two words contain.
Before I had time to deal with that, however, he continued as if
with the sense that this was an impertinence to be softened.
"Nothing could be more charming than the way you take it, for of
course if we're alone together now it's you that are alone most.
But I hope," he threw in, "you don't particularly mind!"
"Having to do with you?" I asked. "My dear child, how can I help minding?
Though I've renounced all claim to your company--you're so beyond me--
I at least greatly enjoy it. What else should I stay on for?"
He looked at me more directly, and the expression of his face,
graver now, struck me as the most beautiful I had ever found in it.
"You stay on just for THAT?"
"Certainly. I stay on as your friend and from the tremendous
interest I take in you till something can be done for you
that may be more worth your while. That needn't surprise you."
My voice trembled so that I felt it impossible to suppress the shake.
"Don't you remember how I told you, when I came and sat on your
bed the night of the storm, that there was nothing in the world I
wouldn't do for you?"
"Yes, yes!" He, on his side, more and more visibly nervous, had a tone
to master; but he was so much more successful than I that, laughing out
through his gravity, he could pretend we were pleasantly jesting.
"Only that, I think, was to get me to do something for YOU!"
"It was partly to get you to do something," I conceded.
"But, you know, you didn't do it."
"Oh, yes," he said with the brightest superficial eagerness,
"you wanted me to tell you something."
"That's it. Out, straight out. What you have on your mind, you know."
"Ah, then, is THAT what you've stayed over for?"
He spoke with a gaiety through which I could still catch the finest
little quiver of resentful passion; but I can't begin to express
the effect upon me of an implication of surrender even so faint.
It was as if what I had yearned for had come at last only to
astonish me. "Well, yes--I may as well make a clean breast of it.
it was precisely for that."
He waited so long that I supposed it for the purpose of repudiating the
assumption on which my action had been founded; but what he finally said was:
"Do you mean now--here?"
"There couldn't be a better place or time." He looked round him uneasily,
and I had the rare--oh, the queer!--impression of the very first symptom I had
seen in him of the approach of immediate fear. It was as if he were suddenly
afraid of me--which struck me indeed as perhaps the best thing to make him.
Yet in the very pang of the effort I felt it vain to try sternness,
and I heard myself the next instant so gentle as to be almost grotesque.
"You want so to go out again?"
"Awfully!" He smiled at me heroically, and the touching little
bravery of it was enhanced by his actually flushing with pain.
He had picked up his hat, which he had brought in, and stood
twirling it in a way that gave me, even as I was just nearly
reaching port, a perverse horror of what I was doing.
To do it in ANY way was an act of violence, for what did
it consist of but the obtrusion of the idea of grossness
and guilt on a small helpless creature who had been for me
a revelation of the possibilities of beautiful intercourse?
Wasn't it base to create for a being so exquisite a mere
alien awkwardness? I suppose I now read into our situation
a clearness it couldn't have had at the time, for I seem to see
our poor eyes already lighted with some spark of a prevision
of the anguish that was to come. So we circled about,
with terrors and scruples, like fighters not daring to close.
But it was for each other we feared! That kept us a little
longer suspended and unbruised. "I'll tell you everything,"
Miles said--"I mean I'll tell you anything you like.
You'll stay on with me, and we shall both be all right,
and I WILL tell you--I WILL. But not now."
"Why not now?"
My insistence turned him from me and kept him once more at his window
in a silence during which, between us, you might have heard a pin drop.
Then he was before me again with the air of a person for whom,
outside, someone who had frankly to be reckoned with was waiting.
"I have to see Luke."
I had not yet reduced him to quite so vulgar a lie, and I felt
proportionately ashamed. But, horrible as it was, his lies made
up my truth. I achieved thoughtfully a few loops of my knitting.
"Well, then, go to Luke, and I'll wait for what you promise.
Only, in return for that, satisfy, before you leave me,
one very much smaller request."
He looked as if he felt he had succeeded enough to be able still
a little to bargain. "Very much smaller--?"
"Yes, a mere fraction of the whole. Tell me"--oh, my work preoccupied me,
and I was offhand!--"if, yesterday afternoon, from the table in the hall,
you took, you know, my letter."
My sense of how he received this suffered for a minute from something
that I can describe only as a fierce split of my attention--
a stroke that at first, as I sprang straight up, reduced me to
the mere blind movement of getting hold of him, drawing him close,
and, while I just fell for support against the nearest piece
of furniture, instinctively keeping him with his back to the window.
The appearance was full upon us that I had already had to deal with here:
Peter Quint had come into view like a sentinel before a prison.
The next thing I saw was that, from outside, he had reached the window,
and then I knew that, close to the glass and glaring in through it,
he offered once more to the room his white face of damnation.
It represents but grossly what took place within me at the sight
to say that on the second my decision was made; yet I believe that no
woman so overwhelmed ever in so short a time recovered her grasp
of the ACT. It came to me in the very horror of the immediate
presence that the act would be, seeing and facing what I saw
and faced, to keep the boy himself unaware. The inspiration--
I can call it by no other name--was that I felt how voluntarily,
how transcendently, I MIGHT. It was like fighting with a demon
for a human soul, and when I had fairly so appraised it I saw how
the human soul--held out, in the tremor of my hands, at arm's length--
had a perfect dew of sweat on a lovely childish forehead.
The face that was close to mine was as white as the face against
the glass, and out of it presently came a sound, not low nor weak,
but as if from much further away, that I drank like a waft of fragrance.
"Yes--I took it."
At this, with a moan of joy, I enfolded, I drew him close;
and while I held him to my breast, where I could feel in the sudden
fever of his little body the tremendous pulse of his little heart,
I kept my eyes on the thing at the window and saw it move and shift
its posture. I have likened it to a sentinel, but its slow wheel,
for a moment, was rather the prowl of a baffled beast.
My present quickened courage, however, was such that, not too
much to let it through, I had to shade, as it were, my flame.
Meanwhile the glare of the face was again at the window, the scoundrel
fixed as if to watch and wait. It was the very confidence
that I might now defy him, as well as the positive certitude,
by this time, of the child's unconsciousness, that made me go on.
"What did you take it for?"
"To see what you said about me."
"You opened the letter?"
"I opened it."
My eyes were now, as I held him off a little again,
on Miles's own face, in which the collapse of mockery
showed me how complete was the ravage of uneasiness.
What was prodigious was that at last, by my success,
his sense was sealed and his communication stopped:
he knew that he was in presence, but knew not of what,
and knew still less that I also was and that I did know.
And what did this strain of trouble matter when my eyes
went back to the window only to see that the air was clear
again and--by my personal triumph--the influence quenched?
There was nothing there. I felt that the cause was mine
and that I should surely get ALL. "And you found nothing!"--
I let my elation out.
He gave the most mournful, thoughtful little headshake. "Nothing."
"Nothing, nothing!" I almost shouted in my joy.
"Nothing, nothing," he sadly repeated.
I kissed his forehead; it was drenched. "So what have you done with it?"
"I've burned it."
"Burned it?" It was now or never. "Is that what you did at school?"
Oh, what this brought up! "At school?"
"Did you take letters?--or other things?"
"Other things?" He appeared now to be thinking of something far
off and that reached him only through the pressure of his anxiety.
Yet it did reach him. "Did I STEAL?"
I felt myself redden to the roots of my hair as well as wonder if it were
more strange to put to a gentleman such a question or to see him take it
with allowances that gave the very distance of his fall in the world.
"Was it for that you mightn't go back?"
The only thing he felt was rather a dreary little surprise.
"Did you know I mightn't go back?"
"I know everything."
He gave me at this the longest and strangest look. "Everything?"
"Everything. Therefore DID you--?" But I couldn't say it again.
Miles could, very simply. "No. I didn't steal."
My face must have shown him I believed him utterly; yet my hands--
but it was for pure tenderness--shook him as if to ask him why,
if it was all for nothing, he had condemned me to months of torment.
"What then did you do?"
He looked in vague pain all round the top of the room and drew his breath,
two or three times over, as if with difficulty. He might have been standing
at the bottom of the sea and raising his eyes to some faint green twilight.
"Well--I said things."
"They thought it was enough!"
"To turn you out for?"
Never, truly, had a person "turned out" shown so little
to explain it as this little person! He appeared to weigh
my question, but in a manner quite detached and almost helpless.
"Well, I suppose I oughtn't."
"But to whom did you say them?"
He evidently tried to remember, but it dropped--he had lost it.
"I don't know!"
He almost smiled at me in the desolation of his surrender,
which was indeed practically, by this time, so complete that I
ought to have left it there. But I was infatuated--I was blind
with victory, though even then the very effect that was to have
brought him so much nearer was already that of added separation.
"Was it to everyone?" I asked.
"No; it was only to--" But he gave a sick little headshake.
"I don't remember their names."
"Were they then so many?"
"No--only a few. Those I liked."
Those he liked? I seemed to float not into clearness, but into
a darker obscure, and within a minute there had come to me out
of my very pity the appalling alarm of his being perhaps innocent.
It was for the instant confounding and bottomless, for if he
WERE innocent, what then on earth was _I_? Paralyzed, while it lasted,
by the mere brush of the question, I let him go a little, so that,
with a deep-drawn sigh, he turned away from me again; which, as he faced
toward the clear window, I suffered, feeling that I had nothing
now there to keep him from. "And did they repeat what you said?"
I went on after a moment.
He was soon at some distance from me, still breathing hard and again with
the air, though now without anger for it, of being confined against his will.
Once more, as he had done before, he looked up at the dim day as if, of what
had hitherto sustained him, nothing was left but an unspeakable anxiety.
"Oh, yes," he nevertheless replied--"they must have repeated them.
To those THEY liked," he added.
There was, somehow, less of it than I had expected; but I turned it over.
"And these things came round--?"
"To the masters? Oh, yes!" he answered very simply.
"But I didn't know they'd tell."
"The masters? They didn't--they've never told.
That's why I ask you."
He turned to me again his little beautiful fevered face.
"Yes, it was too bad."
"What I suppose I sometimes said. To write home."
I can't name the exquisite pathos of the contradiction given to such
a speech by such a speaker; I only know that the next instant I
heard myself throw off with homely force: "Stuff and nonsense!"
But the next after that I must have sounded stern enough.
"What WERE these things?"
My sternness was all for his judge, his executioner; yet it made him
avert himself again, and that movement made ME, with a single bound
and an irrepressible cry, spring straight upon him. For there again,
against the glass, as if to blight his confession and stay his answer,
was the hideous author of our woe--the white face of damnation.
I felt a sick swim at the drop of my victory and all the return of my battle,
so that the wildness of my veritable leap only served as a great betrayal.
I saw him, from the midst of my act, meet it with a divination,
and on the perception that even now he only guessed, and that the window
was still to his own eyes free, I let the impulse flame up to convert
the climax of his dismay into the very proof of his liberation.
"No more, no more, no more!" I shrieked, as I tried to press him against me,
to my visitant.
"Is she HERE?" Miles panted as he caught with his sealed eyes
the direction of my words. Then as his strange "she" staggered
me and, with a gasp, I echoed it, "Miss Jessel, Miss Jessel!"
he with a sudden fury gave me back.
I seized, stupefied, his supposition--some sequel to what we
had done to Flora, but this made me only want to show him
that it was better still than that. "It's not Miss Jessel!
But it's at the window--straight before us. It's THERE--
the coward horror, there for the last time!"
At this, after a second in which his head made the movement of a
baffled dog's on a scent and then gave a frantic little shake for air
and light, he was at me in a white rage, bewildered, glaring vainly
over the place and missing wholly, though it now, to my sense,
filled the room like the taste of poison, the wide, overwhelming presence.
I was so determined to have all my proof that I flashed into ice
to challenge him. "Whom do you mean by `he'?"
"Peter Quint--you devil!" His face gave again, round the room,
its convulsed supplication. "WHERE?"
They are in my ears still, his supreme surrender of the name
and his tribute to my devotion. "What does he matter now,
my own?--what will he EVER matter? _I_ have you,"
I launched at the beast, "but he has lost you forever!"
Then, for the demonstration of my work, "There, THERE!"
I said to Miles.
But he had already jerked straight round, stared, glared again,
and seen but the quiet day. With the stroke of the loss I was
so proud of he uttered the cry of a creature hurled over an abyss,
and the grasp with which I recovered him might have been that
of catching him in his fall. I caught him, yes, I held him--
it may be imagined with what a passion; but at the end
of a minute I began to feel what it truly was that I held.
We were alone with the quiet day, and his little heart,
dispossessed, had stopped.