“I’m sorry,” explained the cashier, “but Mr. Blank, who signs the checks, is laid up with a sprained ankle.”
“But, my dear sir,” expostulated the author, “does he sign them with his feet?”
Strolling along the boardwalk at Atlantic City, Mr. Mulligan, the wealthy retired contractor, dropped a quarter through a crack in the planking. A friend came along a minute later and found him squatted down, industriously poking a two dollar bill through the treacherous cranny with his forefinger.
“Mulligan, what the divvil ar-re ye doin’?” inquired the friend.
“Sh-h,” said Mr. Mulligan, “I’m tryin’ to make it wort’ me while to tear up this board.”
A captain, inspecting his company one morning, came to an Irishman who evidently had not shaved for several days.
“Doyle,” he asked, “how is it that you haven’t shaved this morning?”
“But Oi did, sor.”
“How dare you tell me that with the beard you have on your face?”
“Well, ye see, sor,” stammered Doyle, “there wus nine of us to one small bit uv a lookin’-glass, an’ it must be thot in th’ gineral confusion Oi shaved some other man’s face.”
“Is that you, dear?” said a young husband over the telephone. “I just called up to say that I’m afraid I won’t be able to get home to dinner to-night, as I am detained at the office.”
“You poor dear,” answered the wife sympathetically. “I don’t wonder. I don’t see how you manage to get anything done at all with that orchestra playing in your office. Good-by.”
“What is the matter, dearest?” asked the mother of a small girl who had been discovered crying in the hall.
“Somfing awful’s happened, Mother.”
“Well, what is it, sweetheart?”
“My d’doll-baby got away from me and broked a plate in the pantry.”
A poor casual laborer, working on a scaffolding, fell five stories to the ground. As his horrified mates rushed down pell-mell to his aid, he picked himself up, uninjured, from a great, soft pile of sand.
“Say, fellers,” he murmured anxiously, “is the boss mad? Tell him I had to come down anyway for a ball of twine.”
Cephas is a darky come up from Maryland to a border town in Pennsylvania, where he has established himself as a handy man to do odd jobs. He is a good worker, and sober, but there are certain proclivities of his which necessitate a pretty close watch on him. Not long ago he was caught with a chicken under his coat, and was haled to court to explain its presence there.
“Now, Cephas,” said the judge very kindly, “you have got into a new place, and you ought to have new habits. We have been good to you and helped you, and while we like you as a sober and industrious worker, this other business cannot be tolerated. Why did you take Mrs. Gilkie’s chicken?”
Cephas was stumped, and he stood before the majesty of the law, rubbing his head and looking ashamed of himself. Finally he answered:
“Deed, I dunno, Jedge,” he explained, “ceptin’ ‘t is dat chickens is chickens and niggers is niggers.”
GRANDMA–“Johnny, I have discovered that you have taken more maple-sugar than I gave you.”
JOHNNY–“Yes, Grandma, I’ve been making believe there was another little boy spending the day with me.”
Mr. X was a prominent member of the B.P.O.E. At the breakfast table the other morning he was relating to his wife an incident that occurred at the lodge the previous night. The president of the order offered a silk hat to the brother who could stand up and truthfully say that during his married life he had never kissed any woman but his own wife. “And, would you believe it, Mary?–not a one stood up.” “George,” his wife said, “why didn’t you stand up?” “Well,” he replied, “I was going to, but I know I look like hell in a silk hat.”
And oftentimes excusing of a fault
Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse, As patches set upon a little breach,
Discredit more in hiding of the fault Than did the fault before it was so patched.
–_Shakespeare_.
EXPOSURE
TRAMP–“Lady, I’m dying from exposure.”
WOMAN–“Are you a tramp, politician or financier?”–_Judge_.
EXTORTION
_See_ Dressmakers.
EXTRAVAGANCE
There was a young girl named O’Neill, Who went up in the great Ferris wheel;
But when half way around
She looked at the ground,
And it cost her an eighty-cent meal.
Everybody knew that John Polkinhorn was the carelessest man in town, but nobody ever thought he was careless enough to marry Susan Rankin, seeing that he had known her for years. For awhile they got along fairly well but one day after five years of it John hung himself in the attic, where Susan used to dry the wash on rainy days, and a carpenter, who went up to the roof to do some repairs, found him there. He told Susan, and Susan hurried up to see about it, and, sure enough, the carpenter was right. She stood looking at her late husband for about a minute–kind of dazed, the carpenter thought–then she spoke.
“Well, I declare!” she exclaimed. “If he hasn’t used my new clothes-line, and the old would have done every bit as well! But, of course, that’s just like John Polkinhorn.”
“The editor of my paper,” declared the newspaper business manager to a little coterie of friends, “is a peculiar genius. Why, would you believe it, when he draws his weekly salary he keeps out only one dollar for spending money and sends the rest to his wife in Indianapolis!”
His listeners–with one exception, who sat silent and reflective–gave vent to loud murmurs of wonder and admiration.
“Now, it may sound thin,” added the speaker, “but it is true, nevertheless.”
“Oh, I don’t doubt it at all!” quickly rejoined the quiet one; “I was only wondering what he does with the dollar!”
An Irish soldier was recently given leave of absence the morning after pay day. When his leave expired he didn’t appear. He was brought at last before the commandant for sentence, and the following dialogue is recorded:
“Well, Murphy, you look as if you had had a severe engagement.”
“Yes, sur.”
“Have you any money left?”
“No, sur.”
“You had $35 when you left the fort, didn’t you?”
“Yes, sur.”
“What did you do with it?”
“Well, sur, I was walking along and I met a friend, and we went into a place and spint $8. Thin we came out and I met another friend and we spint $8 more, and thin I come out and we met another friend and we spint $8 more, and thin we come out and we met another bunch of friends, and I spint $8 more–and thin I come home.”
“But, Murphy, that makes only $32. What did you do with the other $3?” Murphy thought. Then he shook his head slowly and said:
“I dunno, colonel, I reckon I must have squandered that money foolishly.”
FAILURES
Little Ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face. “Is it true, father,” he asked, “that marriage is a failure?”
His father surveyed him thoughtfully for a moment. “Well, Ikey,” he finally replied, “If you get a rich wife, it’s almost as good as a failure.”
FAITH
Faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his flowers and garden will resemble the views shown on the seed packets.–_Country Life in America_.
“What is faith, Johnny?” asks the Sunday school teacher.
“Pa says,” answers Johnny, “that it’s readin’ in the papers that the price o’ things has come down, an expectin’ to find it true when the bills comes in.”
Faith is believing the dentist when he says it isn’t going to hurt.
“As I understand it, Doctor, if I believe I’m well, I’ll be well. Is that the idea?”
“It is.”
“Then, if you believe you are paid, I suppose you’ll be paid.”
“Not necessarily.”
“But why shouldn’t faith work as well in one case as in the other?”
“Why, you see, there is considerable difference between having faith in Providence and having faith in you.”–_Horace Zimmerman_.
Mother had been having considerable argument with her infant daughter as to whether the latter was going to be left alone in a dark room to go to sleep. As a clincher, the mother said: “There is no reason at all why you should be afraid. Remember that God is here all the time, and, besides, you have your dolly. Now go to sleep like a good little girl.” Twenty minutes later a wail came from upstairs, and mother went to the foot of the stairs to pacify her daughter. “Don’t cry,” she said; “remember what I told you–God is there with you and you have your dolly.” “But I don’t want them,” wailed the baby; “I want you, muvver; I want somebody here that has got a skin face on them.”
Faith is a fine invention
For gentlemen who see;
But Microscopes are prudent
In an emergency.
–_Emily Dickinson_.
FAITHFULNESS
A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At first they said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to give him a trial. He seemed to be making good, and they gradually increased the size of his load until on the last trip he was carrying a 300-pound anvil under each arm. When he was half-way across the gangplank it broke and the Irishman fell in. With a great splashing and spluttering he came to the surface.
“T’row me a rope, I say!” he shouted again. Once more he sank. A third time he rose struggling.
“Say!” he spluttered angrily, “if one uv you shpalpeens don’t hurry up an’ t’row me a rope I’m goin’ to drop one uv these damn t’ings!”
FAME
Fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of admiration on the part of people who are not thinking of you.
Many a man thinks he has become famous when he has merely happened to meet an editor who was hard up for material.
Were not this desire of fame very strong, the difficulty of obtaining it, and the danger of losing it when obtained, would be sufficient to deter a man from so vain a pursuit.–_Addison_.
FAMILIES
“Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great Britain,” said the proud father of number one to the rector. “I am English, my wife’s Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby wails.”
Mrs. O’Flarity is a scrub lady, and she had been absent from her duties for several days. Upon her return her employer asked her the reason for her absence.
“Sure, I’ve been carin’ for wan of me sick children,” she replied.
“And how many children have you, Mrs. O’Flarity?” he asked.
“Siven in all,” she replied. “Four by the third wife of me second husband; three by the second wife of me furst.”
A man descended from an excursion train and was wearily making his way to the street-car, followed by his wife and fourteen children, when a policeman touched him on the shoulder and said:
“Come along wid me.”
“What for?”
“Blamed if I know; but when ye’re locked up I’ll go back and find out why that crowd was following ye.”
FAREWELLS
Happy are we met, Happy have we been, Happy may we part, and Happy meet again.
A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter off on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the car and went around to the car window to say a last parting word. While he was leaving the car the daughter crossed the aisle to speak to a friend, and at the same time a grim old maid took the seat and moved up to the window.
Unaware of the change the old gentleman hurriedly put his head up to the window and said: “One more kiss, pet.”
In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from the window, followed by the wrathful injunction: “Scat, you gray-headed wretch!”
“I am going to make my farewell tour in Shakespeare. What shall be the play? Hamlet? Macbeth?”
“This is your sixth farewell tour, I believe.”
“Well, yes.”
“I would suggest ‘Much Adieu About Nothing’.”
“Farewell!”
For in that word–that fatal word–howe’er We promise–hope–believe–there breathes despair.
–_Byron_.
FASHION
There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who are comfortable.–_Tom P. Morgan_.
There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened to long discussions about the very latest fashions. That night when she said her prayers, she added a new petition, uttered with unwonted fervency:
“And, dear Lord, please make us all very stylish.”
Nothing is thought rare
Which is not new, and follow’d; yet we know That what was worn some twenty years ago Comes into grace again.
–_Beaumont and Fletcher_.
As good be out of the World as out of the Fashion.–_Colley Cibber_.
FATE
Fate hit me very hard one day.
I cried: “What is my fault?
What have I done? What causes, pray, This unprovoked assault?”
She paused, then said: “Darned if I know; I really can’t explain.”
Then just before she turned to go
She whacked me once again!
–_La Touche Hancock_.
So in the Libyan fable it is told
That once an eagle stricken with a dart, Said, when he saw the fashion of the shaft, “With our own feathers, not by others’ hands, Are we now smitten.”
–_Aeschylus_.
FATHERS
A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history. Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the baby to tell him what it represented. Baby answered “Coty.”
Pointing to a picture of a tiger in the same way, she answered “Kitty.” Then a lion, and she answered “Doggy.” Elated with her seeming quick perception, he then turned to the picture of a Chimpanzee and said:
“Baby, what is this?”
“Papa.”
FAULTS
Women’s faults are many,
Men have only two–
Everything they say,
And everything they do.
–_Le Crabbe_.
FEES
_See_ Tips.
FEET
BIG MAN (with a grouch)–“Will you be so kind as to get off my feet?”
LITTLE MAN (with a bundle)–“I’ll try, sir. Is it much of a walk?”
FIGHTING
“Who gave ye th’ black eye, Jim?”
“Nobody give it t’ me; I had t’ fight fer it.”–_Life_.
“There! You have a black eye, and your nose is bruised, and your coat is torn to bits,” said Mamma, as her youngest appeared at the door. “How many times have I told you not to play with that bad Jenkins boy?”
“Now, look here, Mother,” said Bobby, “do I look as if we’d been playing?”
Two of the leading attorneys of Memphis, who had been warm friends for years, happened to be opposing counsel in a case some time ago. The older of the two was a man of magnificent physique, almost six feet four, and built in proportion, while the younger was barely five feet and weighed not more than ninety pounds.
In the course of his argument the big man unwittingly made some remark that aroused the ire of his small adversary. A moment later he felt a great pulling and tugging at his coat tails. Looking down, he was greatly astonished to see his opponent wildly gesticulating and dancing around him.
“What on earth are you trying to do there, Dudley?” he asked.
“By Gawd, suh, I’m fightin’, suh!”
An Irishman boasted that he could lick any man in Boston, yes, Massachusetts, and finally he added New England. When he came to, he said: “I tried to cover too much territory.”
“Dose Irish make me sick, alvays talking about vat gread fighders dey are,” said a Teutonic resident of Hoboken, with great contempt. “Vhy, at Minna’s vedding der odder night dot drunken Mike O’Hooligan butted in, und me und mein bruder, und mein cousin Fritz und mein frient Louie Hartmann–vhy, we pretty near kicked him oudt of der house!”
VILLAGE GROCER–“What are you running for, sonny?”
BOY–“I’m tryin’ to keep two fellers from fightin’.”
VILLAGE GROCER–“Who are the fellows?”
BOY–“Bill Perkins and me!”–_Puck_.
An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness in court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took the witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial Bourbon verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took place. She insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his persistency finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas.
“Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn’t amount to nuthn’. The fust I knowed about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knocked him down with a stick o’ wood. One o’ Bill’s friends then cut Tom with a knife, slicin’ a big chunk out o’ him. Then Sam Jones, who was a friend of Tom’s, shot the other feller and two more shot him, en three or four others got cut right smart by somebody. That nachly caused some excitement, Jedge, en then they commenced fightin’.”
“Do you mean to say such a physical wreck as he gave you that black eye?” asked the magistrate.
“Sure, your honor, he wasn’t a physical wreck till after he gave me the black eye,” replied the complaining wife.–_London Telegraph_.
A pessimistic young man dining alone in a restaurant ordered broiled live lobster. When the waiter put it on the table it was obviously minus one claw. The pessimistic young man promptly kicked. The waiter said it was unavoidable–there had been a fight in the kitchen between two lobsters. The other one had torn off one of the claws of this lobster and had eaten it. The young man pushed the lobster over toward the waiter. “Take it away,” he said wearily, “and bring me the winner.”
There never was a good war or a bad peace.–_Benjamin Franklin_.
The master-secret in fighting is to strike once, but in the right place.–_John C. Snaith_.
FINANCE
Willie had a savings bank;
‘Twas made of painted tin.
He passed it ’round among the boys, Who put their pennies in.
Then Willie wrecked that bank and bought Sweetmeats and chewing gum.
And to the other envious lads
He never offered some.
“What will we do?” his mother said:
“It is a sad mischance.”
His father said: “We’ll cultivate
His gift for high finance.”
–_Washington Star_.
HICKS–“I’ve got to borrow $200 somewhere.”
WICKS–“Take my advice and borrow $300 while you are about it.”
“But I only need $200.”
“That doesn’t make any difference. Borrow $300 and pay back $100 of it in two installments at intervals of a month or so. Then the man that you borrow from will think he is going to get the rest of it.”
It is said J. P. Morgan could raise $10,000,000 on his check any minute; but the man who is raising a large family on $9 a week is a greater financier than Morgan.
To modernize an old prophecy, “out of the mouths of babes shall come much worldly wisdom.” Mr. K. has two boys whom he dearly loves. One day he gave each a dollar to spend. After much bargaining, they brought home a wonderful four-wheeled steamboat and a beautiful train of cars. For awhile the transportation business flourished, and all was well, but one day Craig explained to his father that while business had been good, he could do much better if he only had the capital to buy a train of cars like Joe’s. His arguments must have been good, for the money was forthcoming. Soon after, little Toe, with probably less logic but more loving, became possessed of a dollar to buy a steamboat like Craig’s. But Mr. K., who had furnished the additional capital, looked in vain for the improved service. The new rolling stock was not in evidence, and explanations were vague and unsatisfactory, as is often the case in the railroad game at which men play. It took a stern court of inquiry to develop the fact that the railroad and steamship had simply changed hands–and at a mutual profit of one hundred per cent. And Mr. K., as he told his neighbor, said it was worth that much to know that his boys would not need much of a legacy from him.–_P.A. Kershaw_.
An old artisan who prided himself on his ability to drive a close bargain contracted to paint a huge barn in the neighborhood for the small sum of twelve dollars.
“Why on earth did you agree to do it for so little?” his brother inquired.
“Well,” said the old painter, “you see, the owner is a mighty onreliable man. If I’d said I’d charge him twenty-five dollars, likely he’d have only paid me nineteen. And if I charge him twelve dollars, he may not pay me but nine. So I thought it over, and decided to paint it for twelve dollars, so I wouldn’t lose so much.”
FINGER-BOWLS
MISTRESS (to new servant)–“Why, Bridget, this is the third time I’ve had to tell you about the finger-bowls. Didn’t the lady you last worked for have them on the table?”
BRIDGET–“No, mum; her friends always washed their hands before they came.”
FIRE DEPARTMENTS
Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines.
Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a ramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: “Hi there, look out! The fire department’s coming.”
Turning in by the curb the farmer watched the hose cart, salvage wagon and engine whiz past. Then he turned out into the street again and drove on. Barely had he started when the hook and ladder came tearing along. The rear wheel of the big truck slewed into the farmer’s buggy, smashing it to smithereens and sending the farmer sprawling into the gutter. The policeman ran to his assistance.
“Didn’t I tell ye to keep out of the way?” he demanded crossly. “Didn’t I tell ye the fire department was comin”?”
“Wall, consarn ye,” said the peeved farmer, “I _did_ git outer the way for th’ fire department. But what in tarnation was them drunken painters in sech an all-fired hurry fer?”
Two Irishmen fresh from Ireland had just landed in New York and engaged a room in the top story of a hotel. Mike, being very sleepy, threw himself on the bed and was soon fast asleep. The sights were so new and strange to Pat that he sat at the window looking out. Soon an alarm of fire was rung in and a fire-engine rushed by throwing up sparks of fire and clouds of smoke. This greatly excited Pat, who called to his comrade to get up and come to the window, but Mike was fast asleep. Another engine soon followed the first, spouting smoke and fire like the former. This was too much for poor Pat, who rushed excitedly to the bedside, and shaking his friend called loudly:
“Mike, Mike, wake up! They are moving Hell, and two loads have gone by already.”
FIRE ESCAPES
Fire escape: A steel stairway on the exterior of a building, erected after a FIRE to ESCAPE the law.
FIRES
“Ikey, I hear you had a fire last Thursday.”
“Sh! Next Thursday.”
FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY
The father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up the family physician. “Our little boy is sick, Doctor,” he said, “so please come at once.”
“I can’t get over much under an hour,” said the doctor.
“Oh please do, Doctor. You see, my wife has a book on ‘What to Do Before the Doctor Comes,’ and I’m so afraid she’ll do it before you get here!”
NURSE GIRL–“Oh, ma’am, what shall I do? The twins have fallen down the well!”
FOND PARENT–“Dear me! how annoying! Just go into the library and get the last number of _The Modern Mother’s Magazine_; it contains an article on ‘How to Bring Up Children.'”
SURGEON AT NEW YORK HOSPITAL–“What brought you to this dreadful condition? Were you run over by a street-car?”
PATIENT–“No, sir; I fainted, and was brought to by a member of the Society of First Aid to the Injured.”–_Life_.
A prominent physician was recently called to his telephone by a colored woman formerly in the service of his wife. In great agitation the woman advised the physician that her youngest child was in a bad way.
“What seems to be the trouble?” asked the doctor.
“Doc, she done swallered a bottle of ink!”
“I’ll be over there in a short while to see her,” said the doctor. “Have you done anything for her?”
“I done give her three pieces o’ blottin’-paper, Doc,” said the colored woman doubtfully.
FISH
A man went into a restaurant recently and said, “Give me a half dozen fried oysters.”
“Sorry, sah,” answered the waiter, “but we’s all out o’ shell fish, sah, ‘ceptin’ eggs.”
Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together, and the mother, who always tried to impress facts upon her young daughter, said:
“These little sardines, Elizabeth, are sometimes eaten by the larger fish.”
Elizabeth gazed at the sardines in wonder, and then asked:
“But, mother, how do the large fish get the cans open?”
FISHERMEN
At the birth of President Cleveland’s second child no scales could be found to weigh the baby. Finally the scales that the President always used to weigh the fish he caught on his trips were brought up from the cellar, and the child was found to weigh twenty-five pounds.
“Doin’ any good?” asked the curious individual on the bridge.
“Any good?” answered the fisherman, in the creek below. “Why I caught forty bass out o’ here yesterday.”
“Say, do you know who I am?” asked the man on the bridge.
The fisherman replied that he did not.
“Well, I am the county fish and game warden.”
The angler, after a moment’s thought, exclaimed, “Say, do you know who I am?”
“No,” the officer replied.
“Well, I’m the biggest liar in eastern Indiana,” said the crafty angler, with a grin.
A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her father informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but most of all he loved Venice.
“Ah, Venice, to be sure!” said the friend. “I can readily understand that your father would like Venice, with its gondolas, and St. Markses and Michelangelos.”
“Oh, no,” the young lady interrupted, “it wasn’t that. He liked it because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window.”
Smith the other day went fishing. He caught nothing, so on his way back home he telephoned to his provision dealer to send a dozen of bass around to his house.
He got home late himself. His wife said to him on his arrival:
“Well, what luck?”
“Why, splendid luck, of course,” he replied. “Didn’t the boy bring that dozen bass I gave him?”
Mrs. Smith started. Then she smiled.
“Well, yes, I suppose he did,” she said. “There they are.”
And she showed poor Smith a dozen bottles of Bass’s ale.
“You’ll be a man like one of us some day,” said the patronizing sportsman to a lad who was throwing his line into the same stream.
“Yes, sir,” he answered, “I s’pose I will some day, but I b’lieve I’d rather stay small and ketch a few fish.”
The more worthless a man, the more fish he can catch.
As no man is born an artist, so no man is born an angler.–_Izaak Walton_.
FISHING
A man was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to a lake in Colorado which he had in contemplation.
“Are there any trout out there?” asked one friend.
“Thousands of ’em,” replied Mr. Wharry.
“Will they bite easily?” asked another friend.
“Will they?” said Mr. Wharry. “Why they’re absolutely vicious. A man has to hide behind a tree to bait a hook.”
“I got a bite–I got a bite!” sang out a tiny girl member of a fishing party. But when an older brother hurriedly drew in the line there was only a bare hook. “Where’s the fish?” he asked. “He unbit and div,” said the child.
The late Justice Brewer was with a party of New York friends on a fishing trip in the Adirondacks, and around the camp fire one evening the talk naturally ran on big fish. When it came his turn the jurist began, uncertain as to how he was going to come out:
“We were fishing one time on the Grand Banks for–er–for–”
“Whales,” somebody suggested.
“No,” said the Justice, “we were baiting with whales.”
“Lo, Jim! Fishin’?”
“Naw; drowning worms.”
We may say of angling as Dr. Boteler said of strawberries: “Doubtless God could have made a better berry, but doubtless God never did”; and so (if I might be judge), God never did make a more calm, quiet, innocent recreation than angling.–_Izaak Walton_.
FLATS
“Hello, Tom, old man, got your new flat fitted up yet?”
“Not quite,” answered the friend. “Say, do you know where I can buy a folding toothbrush?”
She hadn’t told her mother yet of their first quarrel, but she took refuge in a flood of tears.
“Before we were married you said you’d lay down your life for me,” she sobbed.
“I know it,” he returned solemnly; “but this confounded flat is so tiny that there’s no place to lay anything down.”
FLATTERY
With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel O’Connell. “The day of great men,” she said, “is gone forever.”
“But the day of beautiful women is not,” he responded.
She smiled and blushed. “I was only joking,” she explained, hurriedly.
MAGISTRATE (about to commit for trial)–“You certainly effected the robbery in a remarkably ingenious way; in fact, with quite exceptional cunning.”
PRISONER–“Now, yer honor, no flattery, please; no flattery, I begs yer.”
OLD MAID–“But why should a great strong man like you be found begging?”
WAYFARER–“Dear lady, it is the only profession I know in which a gentleman can address a beautiful woman without an introduction.”
William —- was said to be the ugliest, though the most lovable, man in Louisiana. On returning to the plantation after a short absence, his brother said:
“Willie, I met in New Orleans a Mrs. Forrester who is a great admirer of yours. She said, though, that it wasn’t so much the brillancy of your mental attainments as your marvelous physical and facial beauty which charmed and delighted her.”
“Edmund,” cried William earnestly, “that is a wicked lie, but tell it to me again!”
“You seem to be an able-bodied man. You ought to be strong enough to work.”
“I know, mum. And you seem to be beautiful enough to go on the stage, but evidently you prefer the simple life.”
After that speech he got a square meal and no reference to the woodpile.
O, that men’s ears should be
To counsel deaf, but not to flattery!
–_Shakespeare_.
FLIES
_See_ Pure food.
FLIRTATION
It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation is attention without intention.
“There’s a belief that summer girls are always fickle.”
“Yes, I got engaged on that theory, but it looks as if I’m in for a wedding or a breach of promise suit.”
A teacher in one of the primary grades of the public school had noticed a striking platonic friendship that existed between Tommy and little Mary, two of her pupils.
Tommy was a bright enough youngster, but he wasn’t disposed to prosecute his studies with much energy, and his teacher said that unless he stirred himself before the end of the year he wouldn’t be promoted.
“You must study harder,” she told him, “or you won’t pass. How would you like to stay back in this class another year and have little Mary go ahead of you?”
“Ah,” said Tommy. “I guess there’ll be other little Marys.”
FLOWERS
Lulu was watching her mother working among the flowers. “Mama, I know why flowers grow,” she said; “they want to get out of the dirt.”
FOOD
A man went into a southern restaurant not long ago and asked for a piece of old-fashioned Washington pie. The waiter, not understanding and yet unwilling to concede his lack of knowledge, brought the customer a piece of chocolate cake.
“No, no, my friend,” said the smiling man. “I meant _George_ Washington, not _Booker_ Washington.”
One day a pastor was calling upon a dear old lady, one of the “pillars” of the church to which they both belonged. As he thought of her long and useful life, and looked upon her sweet, placid countenance bearing but few tokens of her ninety-two years of earthly pilgrimage, he was moved to ask her, “My dear Mrs. S., what has been the chief source of your strength and sustenance during all these years? What has appealed to you as the real basis of your unusual vigor of mind and body, and has been to you an unfailing comfort through joy and sorrow? Tell me, that I may pass the secret on to others, and, if possible, profit by it myself.”
The old lady thought a moment, then lifting her eyes, dim with age, yet kindling with sweet memories of the past, answered briefly, “Victuals.”–_Sarah L. Tenney_.
A girl reading in a paper that fish was excellent brain-food wrote to the editor:
_Dear Sir_: Seeing as you say how fish is good for the brains, what kind of fish shall I eat?
To this the editor replied:
_Dear Miss_: Judging from the composition of your letter I should advise you to eat a whale.
A hungry customer seated himself at a table in a quick-lunch restaurant and ordered a chicken pie. When it arrived he raised the lid and sat gazing at the contents intently for a while. Finally he called the waiter.
“Look here, Sam,” he said, “what did I order?”
“Chicken pie, sah.”
“And what have you brought me?”
“Chicken pie, sah.”
“Chicken pie, you black rascal!” the customer replied. “Chicken pie? Why, there’s not a piece of chicken in it, and never was.”
“Dat’s right, boss–dey ain’t no chicken in it.”
“Then why do you call it chicken pie? I never heard of such a thing.”
“Dat’s all right, boss. Dey don’t have to be no chicken in a chicken pie. Dey ain’t no dog in a dog biscuit, is dey?”
_See also_ Dining.
FOOTBALL
His SISTER–“His nose seems broken.”
His FIANCEE–“And he’s lost his front teeth.”
His MOTHER–“But he didn’t drop the ball!”–_Life_.
FORDS
A boy stood with one foot on the sidewalk and the other on the step of a Ford automobile. A playmate passed him, looked at his position, then sang out: “Hey, Bobbie, have you lost your other skate?”
A farmer noticing a man in automobile garb standing in the road and gazing upward, asked him if he were watching the birds.
“No,” he answered, “I was cranking my Ford car and my hand slipped off and the thing got away and went straight up in the air.”
FORECASTING
A lady in a southern town was approached by her colored maid.
“Well, Jenny?” she asked, seeing that something was in the air.
“Please, Mis’ Mary, might I have the aft’noon off three weeks frum Wednesday?” Then, noticing an undecided look in her mistress’s face, she added hastily–“I want to go to my finance’s fun’ral.”
“Goodness me,” answered the lady–“Your finance’s funeral! Why, you don’t know that he’s even going to die, let alone the date of his funeral. That is something we can’t any of us be sure about–when we are going to die.”
“Yes’m,” said the girl doubtfully. Then, with a triumphant note in her voice–“I’se sure about him, Mis’, ‘cos he’s goin’ to be hung!”
FORESIGHT
“They tell me you’re working ‘ard night an’ day, Sarah?” her bosom friend Ann said.
“Yes,” returned Sarah. “I’m under bonds to keep the peace for pullin’ the whiskers out of that old scoundrel of a husban’ of mine, and the Magistrate said that if I come afore ‘im ag’in, or laid me ‘ands on the old man, he’d fine me forty shillin’s!”
“And so you’re working ‘ard to keep out of mischief?”
“Not much; I’m workin’ ‘ard to save up the fine!”
“Mike, I wish I knew where I was goin’ to die. I’d give a thousand dollars to know the place where I’m goin’ to die.”
“Well, Pat, what good would it do if yez knew?”
“Lots,” said Pat. “Shure I’d never go near that place.”
There once was a pious young priest, Who lived almost wholly on yeast;
“For,” he said, “it is plain
We must all rise again,
And I want to get started, at least.”
FORGETFULNESS
_See_ Memory.
FORTUNE HUNTERS
HER FATHER–“So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you fixed the day of the wedding?”
SUITOR–“I will leave that to my fiancee.”
H.F.–“Will you have a church or a private wedding?”
S.–“Her mother can decide that, sir.”
H.F.–“What have you to live on?”
S.–“I will leave that entirely to you, sir.”
The London consul of a continental kingdom was informed by his government that one of his countrywomen, supposed to be living in Great Britain, had been left a large fortune. After advertising without result, he applied to the police, and a smart young detective was set to work. A few weeks later his chief asked how he was getting on.
“I’ve found the lady, sir.”
“Good! Where is she?”
“At my place. I married her yesterday.”
“I would die for you,” said the rich suitor.
“How soon?” asked the practical girl.
HE–“I’d like to meet Miss Bond.”
SHE–“Why?”
“I hear she has thirty thousand a year and no incumbrance.”
“Is she looking for one?”–_Life_.
MAUDE–“I’ve just heard of a case where a man married a girl on his deathbed so she could have his millions when he was gone. Could you love a girl like that?”
JACK–“That’s just the kind of a girl I could love. What’s her address?”
“Yes,” said the old man to his young visitor, “I am proud of my girls, and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1,000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won’t see thirty-five again, and I shall give her $3,000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will have $5,000 with her.”
The young man reflected for a moment and then inquired: “You haven’t one about fifty, have you?”
FOUNTAIN PENS
“Fust time you’ve ever milked a cow, is it?” said Uncle Josh to his visiting nephew. “Wal, y’ do it a durn sight better’n most city fellers do.”
“It seems to come natural somehow,” said the youth, flushing with pleasure. “I’ve had a good deal of practice with a fountain pen.”
“Percy” asks if we know anything which will change the color of the fingers when they have become yellow from cigarette smoking.
He might try using one of the inferior makes of fountain pens.
FOURTH OF JULY
“You are in favor of a safe and sane Fourth of July?”
“Yes,” replied Mr. Growcher. “We ought to have that kind of a day at least once a year.”
One Fourth of July night in London, the Empire Music Hall advertised special attractions to American visitors. All over the auditorium the Union Jack and Stars and Stripes enfolded one another, and at the interludes were heard “Yankee Doodle” and “Hail Columbia,” while a quartette sang “Down upon the Swanee River.” It was an occasion to swell the heart of an exiled patriot. Finally came the turn of the Human Encyclopedia, who advanced to the front of the stage and announced himself ready to answer, sight unseen, all questions the audience might propound. A volley of queries was fired at him, and the Encyclopedia breathlessly told the distance of the earth from Mars, the number of bones in the human skeleton, of square miles in the British Empire, and other equally important facts. There was a brief pause, in which an American stood up.
“What great event took place July 4, 1776?” he propounded in a loud glad voice.
The Human Encyclopedia glared at him. “Th’ hincident you speak of, sir, was a hinfamous houtrage!”
FREAKS
_See_ Husbands.
FREE THOUGHT
TOMMY–“Pop, what is a freethinker?”
POP–“A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn’t married.”
FRENCH LANGUAGE
“I understand you speak French like a native.”
“No,” replied the student; “I’ve got the grammar and the accent down pretty fine. But it’s hard to learn the gestures.”
In Paris last summer a southern girl was heard to drawl between the acts of “Chantecler”: “I think it’s mo’ fun when you don’t understand French. It sounds mo’ like chickens!”–_Life_.
FRESHMEN
_See_ College Students.
FRIENDS
The Lord gives our relatives,
Thank God we can choose our friends.
“Father.”
“Well, what is it?”
“It says here, ‘A man is known by the company he keeps.’ Is that so, Father?”
“Yes, yes, yes.”
“Well, Father, if a good man keeps company with a bad man, is the good man bad because he keeps company with the bad man, and is the bad man good because he keeps company with the good man?”–_Punch_.
Here’s champagne to our real friends. And real pain to our sham friends.
It’s better to make friends fast
Than to make fast friends.
Some friends are a habit–some a luxury.
A friend is one who overlooks your virtues and appreciates your faults.
FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF
A visitor to Philadelphia, unfamiliar with the garb of the Society of Friends, was much interested in two demure and placid Quakeresses who took seats directly behind her in the Broad Street Station. After a few minutes’ silence she was somewhat startled to hear a gentle voice inquire: “Sister Kate, will thee go to the counter and have a milk punch on me?”–_Carolina Lockhart_.
FRIENDSHIP
Friendly may we part and quickly meet again.
There’s fellowship
In every sip
Of friendship’s brew.
May we all travel through the world and sow it thick with friendship.
Here’s to the four hinges of Friendship– Swearing, Lying, Stealing and Drinking. When you swear, swear by your country;
When you lie, lie for a pretty woman, When you steal, steal away from bad company And when you drink, drink with me.
The trouble with having friends is the upkeep.
“Brown volunteered to lend me money.”
“Did you take it?”
“No. That sort of friendship is too good to lose.”
“I let my house furnished, and they’ve had measles there. Of course we’ve had the place disinfected; so I suppose it’s quite safe. What do you think?”
“I fancy it would be all right, dear; but I think, perhaps, it would be safer to lend it to a friend first.”–_Punch_.
“Hoo is it, Jeemes, that you mak’ sic an enairmous profit aff yer potatoes? Yer price is lower than ony ither in the toon and ye mak’ extra reductions for yer freends.”
“Weel, ye see, I knock aff twa shillin’s a ton beacuse a customer is a freend o’ mine, an’ then I jist tak’ twa hundert-weight aff the ton because I’m a freend o’ his.”–_Punch_.
The conductor of a western freight train saw a tramp stealing a ride on one of the forward cars. He told the brakeman in the caboose to go up and put the man off at the next stop. When the brakeman approached the tramp, the latter waved a big revolver and told him to keep away.
“Did you get rid of him?” the conductor asked the brakeman, when the train was under motion again.
“I hadn’t the heart,” was the reply. “He turned out to be an old school friend of mine.”
“I’ll take care of him,” said the conductor, as he started over the tops of the cars.
After the train had made another stop and gone on, the brakeman came into the caboose and said to the conductor:
“Well, is he off?”
“No; he turned out to be an old school friend of mine, too.”
If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep his friendship in constant repair.–_Samuel Johnson_.
They say, and I am glad they say,
It is so; and it may be so;
It may be just the other way,
I cannot tell, but this I know–
From quiet homes and first beginnings Out to the undiscovered ends
There’s nothing worth the wear of winning Save laughter and the love of friends.
–_Hilaire Belloc_.
FUN
Fun is like life insurance, th’ older you git th’ more it costs.–_Abe Martin_.
_See also_ Amusements.
FUNERALS
There was an old man in a hearse,
Who murmured, “This might have been worse; Of course the expense
Is simply immense,
But it doesn’t come out of my purse.”
FURNITURE
GUEST–“That’s a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost you?”
HOST–“Five hundred dollars. A hundred and fifty for it and the rest for furniture to match.”
FUTURE LIFE
A certain young man’s friends thought he was dead, but he was only in a state of coma. When, in ample time to avoid being buried, he showed signs of life, he was asked how it seemed to be dead.
“Dead?” he exclaimed. “I wasn’t dead. I knew all that was going on. And I knew I wasn’t dead, too, because my feet were cold and I was hungry.”
“But how did that fact make you think you were still alive?” asked one of the curious.
“Well, this way; I knew that if I were in heaven I wouldn’t be hungry. And if I was in the other place my feet wouldn’t be cold.”
FATHER (impressively)–“Suppose I should be taken away suddenly, what would become of you, my boy?”
IRREVERENT SON–“I’d stay here. The question is, What would become of you?”
“Look here, now, Harold,” said a father to his little son, who was naughty, “if you don’t say your prayers you won’t go to Heaven.”
“I don’t want to go to Heaven,” sobbed the boy; “I want to go with you and mother.”
On a voyage across the ocean an Irishman died and was about to be buried at sea. His friend Mike was the chief mourner at the burial service, at the conclusion of which those in charge wrapped the body in canvas preparatory to dropping it overboard. It is customary to place heavy shot with a body to insure its immediate sinking, but in this instance, nothing else being available, a large lump of coal was substituted. Mike’s cup of sorrow overflowed his eyes, and he tearfully exclaimed,
“Oh, Pat, I knew you’d never get to heaven, but, begorry, I didn’t think you’d have to furnish your own fuel.”
An Irishman told a man that he had fallen so low in this life that in the next he would have to climb up hill to get into hell.
When P.T. Barnum was at the head of his “great moral show,” it was his rule to send complimentary tickets to clergymen, and the custom is continued to this day. Not long ago, after the Reverend Doctor Walker succeeded to the pastorate of the Reverend Doctor Hawks, in Hartford, there came to the parsonage, addressed to Doctor Hawks, tickets for the circus, with the compliments of the famous showman. Doctor Walker studied the tickets for a moment, and then remarked:
“Doctor Hawks is dead and Mr. Barnum is dead; evidently they haven’t met.”
Archbishop Ryan once attended a dinner given him by the citizens of Philadelphia and a brilliant company of men was present. Among others were the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad; ex-Attorney-General MacVeagh, counsel for the road, and other prominent railroad men.
Mr. MacVeagh, in talking to the guest of the evening, said: “Your Grace, among others you see here a great many railroad men. There is a peculiarity of railroad men that even on social occasions you will find that they always take their lawyer with them. That is why I am here. They never go anywhere without their counsel. Now they have nearly everything that men want, but I have a suggestion to make to you for an exchange with us. We can give free passes on all the railroads of the country. Now if you would only give us–say a free pass to Paradise by way of exchange.”
“Ah, no,” said His Grace, with a merry twinkle in his eye, “that would never do. I would not like to separate them from their counsel.”
GARDENING
Th’ only time some fellers ever dig in th’ gardens is just before they go a fishin’.–_Abe Martin_.
“I am going to start a garden,” announced Mr. Subbubs. “A few months from now I won’t be kicking about your prices.”
“No,” said the grocer; “you’ll be wondering how I can afford to sell vegetables so cheap.”
GAS STOVES
A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not be contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for many years. She sent for old mammy, and the servant arrived in due season. It so happened that the Georgia woman had to leave town the very day mammy arrived. Before departing she had just time to explain to mammy the modern conveniences with which her apartment was furnished. The gas stove was the contrivance which interested the colored woman most. After the mistress of the household had lighted the oven, the broiler, and the other burners and felt certain the old servant understood its operations, the mistress hurried for her train.
She was absent for two weeks and one of her first questions to mammy was how she had worried along.
“De fines’ ever,” was the reply. “And dat air gas stove–O my! Why do you know, Miss Flo’ence, dat fire aint gone out yit.”
GENEROSITY
“This is a foine country, Bridget!” exclaimed Norah, who had but recently arrived in the United States. “Sure, it’s generous everybody is. I asked at the post-office about sindin’ money to me mither, and the young man tells me I can get a money order for $10 for 10 cents. Think of that now!”
At one of these reunions of the Blue and the Gray so happily common of late, a northern veteran, who had lost both arms and both legs in the service, caused himself to be posted in a conspicuous place to receive alms. The response to his appeal was generous and his cup rapidly filled.
Nobody gave him more than a dime, however, except a grizzled warrior of the lost cause, who plumped in a dollar. And not content, he presently came that way again and plumped in another dollar.
The cripple’s gratitude did not quite extinguish his curiosity. “Why,” he inquired, “do you, who fought on the other side, give me so much more than any of those who were my comrades in arms?”
The old rebel smiled grimly. “Because,” he replied, “you’re the first Yank I ever saw trimmed up just to suit me.”
At dinner one day, it was noticed that a small daughter of the minister was putting aside all the choice pieces of chicken and her father asked her why she did that. She explained that she was saving them for her dog. Her father told her there were plenty of bones the dog could have so she consented to eat the dainty bits. Later she collected the bones and took them to the dog saying, “I meant to give a free will offering but it is only a collection.”
A little newsboy with a cigarette in his mouth entered a notion store and asked for a match.
“We only _sell_ matches,” said the storekeeper.
“How much are they?” asked the future citizen.
“Penny a box,” was the answer.
“Gimme a box,” said the boy.
He took one match, lit the cigarette, and handed the box back over the counter, saying, “Here, take it and put it on de shelf, and when anodder sport comes and asks for a match, give him one on me.”
Little Ralph belonged to a family of five. One morning he came into the house carrying five stones which he brought to his mother, saying:
“Look, mother, here are tombstones for each one of us.”
The mother, counting them, said:
“Here is one for father, dear! Here is one for mother! Here is brother’s! Here is the baby’s; but there is none for Delia, the maid.”
Ralph was lost in thought for a moment, then cheerfully cried:
“Oh, well, never mind, mother; Delia can have mine, and I’ll live!”
She was making the usual female search for her purse when the conductor came to collect the fares.
Her companion meditated silently for a moment, then, addressing the other, said:
“Let us divide this Mabel; you fumble and I’ll pay.”
GENTLEMEN
“Sadie, what is a gentleman?”
“Please, ma’am,” she answered, “a gentleman’s a man you don’t know very well.”
Two characters in Jeffery Farnol’s “Amateur Gentleman” give these definitions of a gentleman:
“A gentleman is a fellow who goes to a university, but doesn’t have to learn anything; who goes out into the world, but doesn’t have to work at anything; and who has never been black-balled at any of the clubs.”
“A gentleman is (I take it) one born with the God-like capacity to think and feel for others, irrespective of their rank or condition…. One who possesses an ideal so lofty, a mind so delicate, that it lifts him above all things ignoble and base, yet strengthens his hands to raise those who are fallen–no matter how low.”
GERMANS
The poet Heine and Baron James Rothschild were close friends. At the dinner table of the latter the financier asked the poet why he was so silent, when usually so gay and full of witty remarks.
“Quite right,” responded Heine, “but to-night I have exchanged views with my German friends and my head is fearfully empty.”
GHOSTS
“I confess, that the subject of psychical research makes no great appeal to me,” Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of coal-tar dyes, told some friends in New York recently. “Personally, in the course of a fairly long career, I have heard at first hand but one ghost story. Its hero was a man whom I may as well call Snooks.
“Snooks, visiting at a country house, was put in the haunted chamber for the night. He said that he did not feel the slightest uneasiness, but nevertheless, just as a matter of precaution, he took to bed with him a revolver of the latest American pattern.
“He slept peacefully enough until the clock struck two, when he awoke with an unpleasant feeling of oppression. He raised his head and peered about him. The room was wanly illumined by the full moon, and in that weird, bluish light he thought he discerned a small, white hand clasping the rail at the foot of the bed.
“‘Who’s there?’ he asked tremulously.
“There was no reply. The small white hand did not move.
“‘Who’s there?’ he repeated. ‘Answer me or I’ll shoot.’
“Again there was no reply.
“Snooks cautiously raised himself, took careful aim and fired.
“From that night on he’s limped. Shot off two of his own toes.”
GIFTS
When Lawrence Barrett’s daughter was married Stuart Robson sent a check for $5000 to the bridegroom. The comedian’s daughter, Felicia Robson, who attended the wedding conveyed the gift.
“Felicia,” said her father upon her return, “did you give him the check?”
“Yes, Father,” answered the daughter.
“What did he say?” asked Robson.
“He didn’t say anything,” replied Miss Felicia, “but he shed tears.”
“How long did he cry?”
“Why Father, I didn’t time him. I should say, however, that he wept fully a minute.”
“Fully a minute,” mused Robson. “Why, Daughter, I cried an hour after I signed it.”
A church house in a certain rural district was sadly in need of repairs. The official board had called a meeting of the parishioners to see what could be done toward raising the necessary funds. One of the wealthiest and stingiest of the adherents of that church arose and said that he would give five dollars, and sat down.
Just then a bit of plastering fell from the ceiling and hit him squarely upon the head. Whereupon he jumped up, looked confused and said: “I–er–I meant I’ll give fifty dollars!” then again resumed his seat.
After a brief silence a voice was heard to say: “O Lord, hit ‘im again!”
He gives twice who gives quickly because the collectors come around later on and hit him for another subscription.–_Puck_.
“Presents,” I often say, “endear Absents.”–_Charles Lamb_.
In giving, a man receives more than he gives, and the more is in proportion to the worth of the thing given.–_George MacDonald_.
_See also_ Christmas gifts.
GLUTTONY
A clergyman was quite ill as a result of eating many pieces of mince pie.
A brother minister visited him and asked him if he was afraid to die.
“No,” the sick man replied, “But I should be ashamed to die from eating too much.”
There was a young person named Ned,
Who dined before going to bed,
On lobster and ham
And salad and jam,
And when he awoke he was dead.
GOLF
Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to the hour. As they were parting to go supperward Sandy said to Jock:
“Jock, mon, I’ll go ye a roond on the links in the morrn’.”
“The morrn’?” Jock repeated.
“Aye, mon, the morrn’,” said Sandy. “I’ll go ye a roond on the links in the morrn’.”
“Aye, weel,” said Jock, “I’ll go ye. But I had intended to get marriet in the morrn’.”
GOLFER (unsteadied by Christmas luncheon) to Opponent–
“Sir, I wish you clearly to understand that I resent your unwarrant–your interference with my game, sir! Tilt the green once more, sir, and I chuck the match.”
Doctor William S. Rainsford is an inveterate golf player. When he was rector of St. George’s Church, in New York City, he was badly beaten on the links by one of his vestrymen. To console the clergyman the vestryman ventured to say: “Never mind, Doctor, you’ll get satisfaction some day when I pass away. Then you’ll read the burial service over me.”
“I don’t see any satisfaction in that,” answered the clergy-man, “for you’ll still be in the hole.”
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER–“Willie, do you know what beomes of boys who use bad language when they’re playing marbles?”
WILLIE–“Yes, miss. They grow up and play golf.”
The game of golf, as every humorist knows, is conducive to profanity. It is also a terrible strain on veracity, every man being his own umpire.
Four men were playing golf on a course where the hazard on the ninth hole was a deep ravine.
They drove off. Three went into the ravine and one managed to get his ball over. The three who had dropped into the ravine walked up to have a look. Two of them decided not to try to play their balls out and gave up the hole. The third said he would go down and play out his ball. He disappeared into the deep crevasse. Presently his ball came bobbing out and after a time he climbed up.
“How many strokes?” asked one of his opponents.
“Three.”
“But I heard six.”
“Three of them were echoes!”
When Mark Twain came to Washington to try to get a decent copyright law passed, a representative took him out to Chevy Chase.
Mark Twain refused to play golf himself, but he consented to walk over the course and watch the representative’s strokes. The representative was rather a duffer. Teeing off, he sent clouds of earth flying in all directions. Then, to hide his confusion he said to his guest: “What do you think of our links here, Mr. Clemens?”
“Best I ever tasted,” said Mark Twain, as he wiped the dirt from his lips with his handkerchief.
GOOD FELLOWSHIP
A glass is good, a lass is good,
And a pipe to smoke in cold weather, The world is good and the people are good, And we’re all good fellows together.
May good humor preside when good fellows meet, And reason prescribe when’tis time to retreat.
Here’s to us that are here, to you that are there, and the rest of us everywhere.
Here’s to all the world,–
For fear some darn fool may take offence.
GOSSIP
A gossip is a person who syndicates his conversation.–_Dick Dickinson_.
Gossips are the spies of life.
“However did you reconcile Adele and Mary?”
“I gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat it to each other.”
The seven-year-old daughter of a prominent suburban resident is, the neighbors say, a precocious youngster; at all events, she knows the ways of the world.
Her mother had occasion to punish her one day last week for a particularly mischievous prank, and after she had talked it over very solemnly sent the little girl up to her room.