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Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date: Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be, edited by Irwin L. Gordon

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acute stage.

MELLIN, he was the man who tried to cheat the baby out of the

MENDELSSOHN, wrote a tune which is usually played when a man
goes to his fate.

MENNEN, the manufacturer of a baby and good complexion
perquisite. Nothing like it for your face after shaving. His
picture has been widely distributed, but never admired.

MERCURY, errand boy for the gods. Wore a pair of winged feet
and feathers in his hat. Was also an artist's model.
Ambition: A telegraph. Recreation: Same as the gods.
Address: General delivery.

METHUSELAH, an ancient who was not like one in a thousand.

MICHEL, Saint, he kicked the devil out of paradise, and was
instantly made the patron saint of France.

MIKE, Pat's partner (see Pat).

MILTON, John, wrote a Dante book, the title of which is known
by everybody and the contents by few.

MOET and CHANDON, two competitors of Mr. Mumm who did much to
bring the price of champagne to within the reach of

MOHAMMED, inventor of the harem, and the man who introduced
mormonism into Arabia. (See B. Young.) Also manufactured
crescents, religion, and made Mecca the mecca for everything.
Early life spent in business. This did not pay. He then
married a widow and retired. Took up religion as a hobby.
Became a professional. Found the sword was mightier than his
kin. His salvation army was successful. His prisoners were
given the alternative of a finely tempered, beauti-fully inlaid
damascus blade or Islam. They always became fervently
religious. Later M. embarked on a marrying campaign with equal
success. Publications: The Koran, a treatise on everything.
Ambition: The crescent on every flag. Recreation: Walking
toward mountains; stroking his beard. Address: 23 Blvd. Allah,
Mecca, Arabia. Epitaph: A Man's Works Take After Him.

MOLIERE, Jean B. P., a French author who wrote a few plays we
do not have to see alone.

MONROE, James, the founder of a doctrine, the practicability of
which nations desire to learn, and yet do not wish to make the

MORSE, Samuel G., an inventor who might have used his talents
in other lines had Marconi lived before his time.

MOSES, whose whereabouts in the dark has puzzled all
generations. Born in the bullrushes of Egypt. Entered politics
as the son of Pharaoh's daughter and the leader of the Ghetto.
When M. waxed astute, after the manner of his people, he
discovered there were not sufficient shekels for himself and
countrymen in the land of Egypt. He pleaded and plagued the
king for permission to close the pawn shops and clothing
stores. Now in those days the children of Egypt were wont to
patronize the bazaars of the children of the Chosen, and
Pharaoh was wroth within himself and refused the passports. The
brave rabbi closed the kosher meat stores and took ship's
leave. Adopting an original compass, he made forced marches to
the Red Sea. Here the synagogue was overtaken by Pharaoh and
his army. M. spilled the sea on them and marched on. From this
time the journey to the Promised Land was slow. Whether this
was due to good business or sore feet history does not relate.
M. later climbed a mountain and received the ten commandments.
After breaking them he returned to camp. He died before the
journey was complete. Publications: Histories. Ambition: A
railroad from Cairo to Jerusalem. Recreation: Tennis and
camel racing. Also enjoyed tent life. Address: Care of Jewish

MOSES, Holy, no relation of the above. He was the fellow who
came around when you hit your finger with the hammer.

MULLER, Maud, one of the few country girls who never went to
New York City.

MUMM,[7] the man who made the most expensive drink on earth.
The products of his cellars are frequently purchased by persons
who cannot afford them. They form one of the principal
ingredients of a good time (see Paris).

[7] Ed. Note: The editor is personally responsible for the
above stated facts.

MUNCHAUSEN, Baron, traveler, explorer. While many of his
books, lectures, and newspaper interviews have been questioned
by scientific men, he is held in high regard due to his failure
to claim the discovery of the north pole.

MUNYON, Doctor, an American herb doctor and optimist. Held the
theory that while there was life there was a chance to sell
some of his medicine.

MURPHY, Charles J. See What's Who of New York City.


NAPOLEON, a little Frenchman who wore a big hat, a little curl
on his forehead, and whose ambitions were larger than his good
luck. Started life by placing Corsica on the map. Like all
great men, he was the dunce at school. Later he used his
masters and prize-winning chums as first-row soldiers. Entered
the army. Never succeeded as a sentry. Frequently amused
himself by taking a couple of soldiers and capturing a city or
an army between meals. The politicians in Paris saw the young
man was not without talents. They gave him a few more soldiers.
Then he went after countries. Captured Egypt, but had trouble
with one Nelson of England. N. became unpopular with his
neighbors. They all attacked him. He attacked them all. That
settled it. He ate wars. After the powers were powerless N.
scampered about Europe adding countries to France. He devoured
Germany. Went after Russia, but they made it too hot and too
cold for him. Had more trouble with that man Nelson. Became
rich and divorced. Introduced Roosevelt publicity tactics into
France and carried a third term. Started things. Began
quarreling again. At last he was cooped up in Paris, and flew
the white flag. Visited Elba. Revisited France. Started
things again. Took some veterans to Belgium. There he was met
by another Englishman by the name of Wellington who introduced
him to Waterloo. For his kindness in leaving Europe England
presented N. with a whole island, a complementary guard, and
paid all his living expenses for six years. Later N. became
responsible for one of the sights of Paris. Always carried his
right hand in the front of his coat. Ambition: A French
Nelson, England, and progeny. Recreation: Walking along the
shore. Address: Fontainbleau, Europe, and At Sea. Epitaph:
I Desire That My Ashes Shall Rest On The Banks Of The Seine
Among The Few French People I Did Not Take To War.


NAPOLEON III. He was the man who did not devour Germany.
Ambition: Rough on rats for the Kaiser and Bismarck.
Recreation: Travel. Address: Paris when the Dutchmen would
permit him. Epitaph: Here Lies A Napoleon, But No Bonaparte.

NARCISSUS, a lover who forgot there were other girls, and pined
away into a flower and a tiresome song.

NATION, Carrie, a window-smashing American liquor suffragette
who believed the ridiculous doctrine that all men should be
sober all the time.

NEBUCHADNEZZAR, King, an old king whose name is blamed hard to

NEPTUNE, boss of the seas. Has charge of the Atlantic liners,
wireless, and the seasick. Ambition: A bridge from London to
New York. Recreation: Storms. Address: Atlantic. Clubs:

NERO (first name forgotten). A Roman emperor who thought
nothing burned like a good tarred Christian. Also made fire
departments a necessity in the Eternal City. Ambition: A good
show in the Colosseum. Recreation: Fiddling. Clubs: Chorus
Girls. Epitaph: For He Was A Jolly Good Fellow.

NERO, Mrs., Nero's wife, who had considerable trouble with her

NEWTON, Isaac, a man who was knighted for propounding the
theory that it is easier to wait under a tree for an apple to
fall than to climb after it.

NIC, Old, a friend of everybody, no matter who turns them down.
Will stick to you clear to the end. One of those good souls
who never fails to give encouragement and grasp you by the hand
when you want to do something you know you should not do. Was
driven from home when a young man. Set up competition and
succeeded wonderfully. Organized the largest community in
existence. This is steadily growing despite considerable
opposition. N. numbers among his friends most of the great
people who ever lived. He is counting on others. Caused much
worry to mothers and wives, but seldom troubled the men.
Publications: French literature; some fine books and pictures.
Occupation: Looking for idle hands. Ambition: You.
Recreation: Theatres, cabarets, music halls, cafe's,
champagne, Mone Carlo, etc. Fond of chorus girls. Address:
Paris. N. also travels extensively. Epitaph: Ad Infinitum.

NIMROD, the first grouse, pheasant, and deer hunter who
succeeded without the advantages of a gun, a game preserve, or
a license.

NOAH, ship-builder, animal tamer. A fine old ancestor who had
considerable to do in preserving the race for we posterity.
When a young man he shunned the ways of young men, and never
sat in the seat of the scornful. Studied shipbuilding on the
Clyde and designed the largest floating stable on record. Made
quite a reputation as an animal collector. Took to the sea
when well advanced in years. N. was the first man to descend
Mt. Ararat without first making the ascension. Publications:
The Log of the Ark. Ambition: No more floods, or a larger
crew. Recreation: Bridge. Address: Care of the Editor.
Clubs: Yacht. Epitaph: De Profundis.

NOBLE, A., of Norway, the inventor of the black hand and labor
union weapon. His invention also made possible the premature
discharge of dynamite and the awarding of the Noble prizes.


O'CONNELL, Dan, said to have been an Irishman. Probably born
in Dublin, raised in Dublin. Raised cain in Dublin. Repealed
in Dublin. Dublined in Dublin. Died in Dublin. Tradition
connects his name with the early stages of the home rule bill.
Ambition: Ireland south of Ulster. Recreation: Oratory.
Address: Dublin. Clubs: Dublin. Favorite Color: Green.

O'GRADY, Sweet Rosie, also of Ireland, long dead, but still
bragged about.

ORANGE, William of, also of Ireland. He was the man who made
it a crime to wear the color named after him on the seventeenth
of March. (See St. Patrick.)

ORPHEUS, lutist. When a young man he was given a lute.
Practised in obscurity, and later appeared before large
audiences. Made several successful concert tours. Married
Eurydice. Spent a happy honeymoon. The bride did not wear
shoes. She was bitten by a serpent. She died. O. descended
to the abode of Old Nic, and charmed him with some Grecian
ragtime. Nic promised to return the lady if O. would promise
to get out of the place without looking around to see what
other respectable people were there. O. started for the door.
He heard familiar voices and rubbered. That ended the
contract, and for all the editor has been able to ascertain
Eurydice is there to this day.

OSTLER, William, a doctor who was knighted for proposing that
all fossils should be ostlerized. Ambition: To murder the men
who got that story into print. Recreation: Medicine.
Address: Oxford. Epitaph: He Practised, But Not What He

OTHELLO, of Venice. Born in Morocco. Went to Venice and fell
in love with one Desdemona, an Italian girl. They were
married. Mrs. Othello lost one of her favorite handkerchiefs
and was killed by her enraged husband. Shakespeare, of
England, a writer, heard of the incident and made some money
out of it.


PADEREWSKI, Ignace Jan, another farewell-concert giver, who
wore long red hair, a soulful expression, insured his fingers,
and broke pianos.

PALLAS, a Grecian goddess who was metamorphosed into a raven
perch by Poe.

PAN, monstrosity, musical instrument maker, friend of poets.
Born half a man and half a goat. Took after the latter.
Studied music under the old masters and outfluted Apollo. Was
also a sheep fancier. Fathered fife and drum corps. Ambition:
A pair of shoes or a goat's appetite. Recreation: Hunting and
falling in love. Address: Greece. Clubs: Musical.

PAN, Peter, a little fellow who was a delightful actress,
believed in fairies, and crowded houses in England and the
United States.

PANKHURST, Mrs., a celebrated English woman who terrorized a
government, starved herself, smashed windows, blew up things,
and made speeches for a living. Girlhood spent in developing
muscle, pluck, and theories. She appeared before the public and
declared that the liquor traffic would be terminated when women
voted. Spent years of her life wondering why the men would not
give them the privilege. Never cared for the ministry,
although she was a very good woman. Ambition: A woman king.
"Votes for Women" in the Union Jack. Recreation: Planning the
"next." Publications: From the Cradle to the Ballot. Windows
I have Smashed. Address: London. Care Scotland Yard.

PANKHURST, Sylvia, a little Pankhurst who helps mamma break

PANZA, Sancho, Don Quixote's interlocutor and stable boss.

PARIS, son of the King of Tyre, who ran away with another man's
wife named Helen. A city in France has been named to do him

PARNELL, C. S., father of the downfall of English ministries
and Ulster. Born of Irish parents. First man to successfully
explode dynamite in Parliament without being executed.
Ambition: An Ulsterless Ireland, a Conservativeless England.
Address: Close to the English ministry. Epitaph: The Bills
Men Introduced Live After Them.

PARSIFAL, the longest-winded singer who ever stepped on an
opera stage.

PASTEUR, Doctor, discoverer. Experimented with mad dogs until
he came to the conclusion they should be shot or chained. A
subway station in Paris has been named after him.

PATRICK, Saint, a Scotchman who drove all the snakes out of
Ireland with the exception of those in bottles. Also
introduced the brogue and the shamrock into the Emerald Isle.

PAT, also of Ireland. At an early age he emigrated to the
United States. There he took up the hod-carrying business.
Went on the stage and set the world laughing. He also entered
politics, captured the American police force, and, together
with his brothers in Parliament, rules Great Britain and the
United States.

PATTI, Adelina, a singer who said au revoir but not good bye.
Epitaph: Cum Grano Salis.

PEAR,[8] the man who names most of the London busses, and keeps
the people of England clean for a penny a week. His business is
international with the exception of Glasgow and Italy.

[8] Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. The editor does
not use soap.

PEARY, Captain Robert E., explorer who said he reached the
north pole and convinced a few people. Was also forced to
write a book and lecture. Publications: How Dr. Cook Almost
Got Ahead of Me. Ambition: That a certain man had not made
him get all the way there the last time. Grave: The Cook

PENN, William, a man whose picture appears on all Quaker Oats
boxes. An Englishman who left his country, bought Pennsylvania,
built the slow, old town of Philadelphia, and hung up the
American Liberty Bell.

PERICLES, of Athens. Political boss, philosopher, and general.
Secured his reputation through brains, a voice, and a
well-oiled political machine. Started the golden age of Greece
with a loud blast of the horn of plenty.

PETER, no relation to the following. He introduced the art of
chocolate making into Switzerland, and the art of eating it
into America. Ambition: More children and people with sweet

PETER, Saint, a fine old bearded saint who is an excellent
bookkeeper, and a detester of roosters. A church in Rome has
taken his name. Ambition: A new key. Recreation: Oiling
hinges. Address: Golden gates.

PHARAOH, of Egypt. Benefactor of Moses and Joseph. Was also
the father of Pharaoh's daughter. Built a few pyramids,
cigarette factories, and made a handsome mummy.

PHILIP II, a king of Spain who, with an armada to press his
suit, endeavored to marry a queen of England. Both the suit
and the armada were left in the bay of Biscay, and the queen an
old maid. Ambition: To the Inquisition with all Englishmen.
Motto: Faint heart never won fair lady. Address: Spain.

PINAUD, Edward, discoverer of the only thing which would have
saved your hair.

PINKHAM, Lydia, of vegetable compound fame. Made a fortune out
of advertisements, little boxes of pills, and women who
believed what they read.

PIPER, Peter, famous picker of pickled peppers. Also held
accounts against many people. Caused considerable worry to his

PITMAN, Isaac, discovered a method of making political speakers
more careful of what they said. His invention has secured
wealthy husbands for many a pretty and poor stenographer.

PLUTARCH, the only man who had more lives than a cat.

PLUTO, boss of the underworld until Old Nic got on the job.
Also the manufacturer of a morning beverage.

PLUVIUS, E., was the fellow who always made it rain when you
wanted to wear your new hat or go to a ball game.

POE, Ed. A., an American poet who specialized in ravens and
cold chills.

POINCAIRE, Raymond, a Frenchman who has a splendid opportunity
to get out of this book.

POLLUX, Leda's other twin. (See Mother and Brother.)

POLO, Marco, F. R. G. S., traveler, discoverer, and lecturer.
Began expeditions from Venice. Discovered China, Japan, and
the Orient. Returned to Venice and Doctor Cooked his neighbors.
He is supposed, however, to have visited the countries, as he
produced a pair of chop sticks, a Chinese laundry, and some
Japanese lanterns. These were accepted as proofs by the
University of Venice. Ambition: The north pole.

POMPADOUR, Madame, coiffeur, Queen of France. Said to have
been a peach. Was a great friend of Louis XV, and helped make
the dances at Versailles a success. Ambition: Plenty of hair.
Recreation: Versailles. Address: See Louis. Clubs: Anti.

POWELL-BADEN, Robert S., a warrior who retired from service and
invented soldiers to be shot when the next big war comes along.

PROCRASTINATOR, T. H. E., an extinct man who believed in the
doctrine of To-morrow. He was a thief, but was never
convicted. Ancient records state he invariably had an excuse
for present inactivity, but would promise results the following
day. Was a close friend of Failure. Put off everything except
Death, and even did his best to keep him away as long as
possible. Motto: No time like the future. Ambition: To
accomplish to-morrow what the other fellow is doing to-day.
Recreation: Always before business. Address: Nobody knows.
Clubs: Many.

PROGRESS, Pilgrim, an Englishman who made an extensive journey
encumbered with a large pack. He visited Paris, had some
hairbreadth escapes, was stuck in the mud, but finally returned
and became respectable like all other Englishmen.

PUCCINI, Giacomo, maker of tunes and curtain calls. A musician
who did not starve, and who gave the classical name "La
Faniculla del West" to the plain "girl of the golden west."

PULLMAN, an American who invented an expensive means of travel.
P. also is responsible for the vast fortunes acquired by

PUNCH, husband of Judy, and a great favorite with the children,
even if he did beat his old wife. Led a hen-pecked life.
Traveled in several European countries and spoke all the
best-selling languages. His name has been given to a serious
London publication.

PYTHAGORAS, a Greek who said some people would be pigs after
they were dead.


[9] Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the few Q's who have
been famous.

QUIETUS, Fluvius, of Rome. Always put his name to everything
when he came around.

QUIXOTE, Don, famous knight-errant of Spain. Made some
desperate conquests for his lady-love, and was defeated by a
windmill. In all his defeats, however, he showed to the world
that a laugh cuts deeper than a sword, and that satire would
kill where a lance could not penetrate. The word quixotic is
used to his commemoration.


[10] Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the character of the
R's who have been famous.

RALEIGH, Walt., one of the men who was permitted to hold hands
with Queen Elizabeth. His other feats were the introduction of
the pipe into England and the plug into Ireland.

RAMESES II, an Egyptian king who went about building burial
mountains, statues to himself, and permitting cigarettes to be
named after him.

RAPHAEL, a decorator who took paint in its raw state and made
it worth money. Filled walls, principally in Italy, with some
expensive paintings, and, like Angelo, used the Vatican as his
studio. Ambition: Churches with larger walls. Recreation:
Painting, art, and canvas weaving. Address: All galleries.

RECAMIER, Madame, of Paris. Supplied the society column to the
newspapers. To be invited to her salon meant that you would
get plenty to eat, that you were somebody, that you would see
somebody, and that you would have to wear your Sunday clothes.
Her R. S. V. P.'s were always accepted. R. finally lost her
money, and with it her friends. Ambition: The man of the
hour. Epitaph: When She Had It She Spent It.

REMBRANDT, Dutch painter who specialized in portraits of old
ladies and Rembrandt. Also brought considerable fame down upon
himself by filling a museum in Amsterdam with tourist-drawing

REMINGTON, the man who invented a typewriter at which many
pretty stenographers[11] sit.

[11] Ed. Note: Advertisement for the stenographers, not the

REVIEWER, The Book, he is the fellow who said a chef-d'oeuvre
like Who Was Who should be used for ballast.

RHODES, Cecil, a poor boy who saved his money and purchased
South Africa.

RHODES, Colossus of, a giant of antiquity who was not killed by
a stone. He rusted to death.

RICHELIEU, Cardinal, the man who held down the throne for Louis
XIII, and disagreed with the Duke of Buckingham.

RITZ, innkeeper who made hotels in which we all would like to
stop, but cannot. Ambition: Americans and English nobility.
Recreation: Visiting his hotels. Address: Ritz and Carlton.
Clubs: Does not need any.

ROBESPIERRE, a French politician who had the opportunity of
doing to his enemies what most politicians would like to do to
theirs. Was finally voted out and down.

ROBINSON, Jack, brother of Sam Hill. He claimed distinction
simply because some people were sufficiently clever to do
things before his name could be pronounced.

ROCKEFELLER, John D., an American who endeavored to drive his
camel through the eye of a needle by giving advice, building
churches and colleges, and squeezing competitors. Like all
millionaires, he was born penniless. R. worked hard, helped
the missions out of his $3 a week, married, and purchased some
oil fields. He struck oil. He made it in a trust. Then he
began purchasing colleges to keep young men out of business.
As his wealth increased his stomach and hair wore out. Could
make seven people dizzy thinking of his money. Spent the
latter portion of his life dodging subpoenae servers, and
doubling his fortune by the dissolution of his business.
Ambition: More churches, colleges, and less competition. Also
another Supreme Court decision. Recreation: Golf, the
coiffeurs, and telling young men of the futility of
competition. Address: Courts and church. Clubs: Y. M. C. A.,
when he can spare the time from his legal and congressional

ROCKEFELLER, John D., Jr., the little Rockefeller who will have
the fun of spending it. He was a good boy, and told other
young men how fortunate they were in being born poor and all
about the fungus which grows on the root of all evil. Never
knew what a good time he could have with his Dad's coin in
Paris. Ambition: To be like father. Recreation: Sunday
school. Occupation: Forming new trusts and enlarging the old
ones. Clubs: Y. M. C.A.

RODIN, August, a Frenchman who did his utmost to fill European
and American galleries with statues at a price which would have
made Mike Angelo a billionaire.

ROJESVENSKY, Admiral, a great Russian admiral and sea fighter
who gloriously defeated the fishing squadron in the English
Channel. Later hit a snag in the Orient.

ROMEO, Juliet's best fellow, who learned that his road to true
love ended in a cemetery.

ROMULUS, Remus' twin. Collaborated with his brother in home
life and in building Rome.

ROOSEVELT, Theodore, nom de plume, T. R., Teddy, press agent,
The Outlook, "I," traveler, teddy bear manufacturer, lecturer,
interview giver, museum collector, "ME," Guildhall orator,
dee-lighted, "MYSELF," mooser, hunter, band-wagon driver,
band-wagon, Panama canal, rough rider, circus leader, circus,
down-with-rafter, and a former retired and retiring president
of the United States. When a young man he spent his father's
money by going to college, shooting lions, and raising a large
family. During the Spanish-American War he employed a troop of
rough riders, stormed San Juan Hill, and got into the
newspapers. Made up his mind he would stay there. R. became
governor of New York State with ambitions. Being a wealthy
man, and capable of contributing to the cause of the Republican
party, he was elected vice-president of the United States. A
hand other than his own made him president. Here his newspaper
career really began. R. first opened a three-ring circus in
the White House, wore a rough rider hat, and told the country
what a great president he was. The voters believed him, and
did not object to four years more. During this administration
R. successfully advertised himself, the family, started the
Panama Canal, and appointed one William Howard Taft (see Poor
Bill) his successor. R. then traveled through Africa with a
magnificent body guard of photographers and newspaper men.
After shooting a museum-full of specimens, he toured Europe and
told the king how to king and the emperors how to emp.
Returning to the United States he placed his hand in state
politics. Fingers were badly burned. When it came time to
elect another president, R. was tired of scene shifting and
yearned for the bouquets of the audience. He girded up his
loins with the robes of sanctity, placed an international
Harvester Trust halo over his head, and proclaimed himself a
second Moses who was destined to lead the children of America
out of the Land of the Frying Pan into that of the Fire. With
a mighty army of politicians, who also wanted to get back, R.
started his campaign with such a huge band he could not hear
any others. The fight was based on telling the voters how
easily they had been deceived four years earlier in what he had
told them concerning that "molycoddle Taft." R. was elected by
the greatest majority in history until the ballots were
hatched. Later he joined the ranks of William Jennings Bryan.
Publications: The "I" books. Ambition: To get back into Who's
Who and Washington. Address: The Outlook. Oyster Bay for
newspapermen. Clubs: Founder of the Ananias. Epitaph: Same
as Bryan's.

ROTHSCHILDS, the Morgan-Rockefellers of Europe without quite as
much money.

ROY, Robert, a very wicked Scotchman whom we all hope will
always escape the police.

RUBENS, P. P., an artist who realized styles frequently
changed, and therefore painted fat people without their

RUSSE, Charlotte, a pleasant creature, but one who sometimes
caused pain after a visit.

RUSSIA, T. H. E., Czar of, an anti-bomb loving monarch with
modern subjects and a tenth-century brain. His childhood was
spent in a steel-lined cage, guarded by the army and the fleet.
He was crowned in a bomb-proof church by a thoroughly searched
clergyman, only the crown, the crowner, and the crowned being
present to witness the ceremony. Seldom goes about the
country, as he fears the heartfelt expressions of his subjects.
In 1908 he became mixed up with Japan. Is now economizing.
Ambition: Only life. Recreation: Dissolving Doumas. signing
death warrants. Address: Large packages are always opened by
the servants. Send letters care St. Petersburg police
department. Clubs: Army. Epitaph: It Is A Wonder He Did Not
Have This Long Ago.


SALOME, a celebrated dancer who could fill the largest opera
houses in the world with bald heads, opera glasses, and jealous
women. She is still in Who's Who, and probably will remain
there until arrested.

SAM, Uncle, a tall, lean, good-natured rich man who sets paces
and spends his money. Born July 4, 1776, S. Great Britain.
Godfathered by France. Was an impetuous baby. Education:
School of experience at Washington. S. was assisted in early
life by a number of men who took an interest in him. When
thirty-six years of age he chastised his mother, but later
became on excellent terms. Went in for land and colonization
business. Succeeded. At the age of eighty-four S. suffered
from a severe attack of internal indiscretion. Recuperated
slowly. Later entered the trust-raising business, and devoted
considerable time to politics. In 1897 he spanked a European
power, but had to take care of the children after the incident.
S. is either Republican or Democratic. Favors the former,
although once in awhile he desires change. Wore a goatee, long
hair, high hat, a suit made out of the flag, smoked cigarettes,
had bad manners, and used much slang. Publications: Bank
notes. Ambition: Another Republican president. Address:
Washington, D. C., U. S. A. Epitaph: (If he ever gets one he
deserves it.)

SAMSON, exponent of hair restorer and an iconoclast. When a
young man he rehearsed his muscles until he could break a chain
and lift a fat lady. Entered the army. Was successful until
he became bald. Committed suicide by pushing a temple on

SANDOW, a pupil of the above, vaudeville star and coin
collector. One of those individuals whom nature has endowed
with a magnificent body, and sufficient brains to make money
with it.

SANTOS-DUMONT, a pre-Zeppelin-Wright air investigator who had
enough money and sense to quit before people remarked how
natural he looked.

SAVONAROLA, a reformer of Florence, Italy, who succeeded in
closing the cafe's, theatres, and dance halls. He was popular
with the masses until election day. When the opposition
returned they made it hot for him.

SAWYER, Thomas, a plain American boy who was rescued from
obscurity by Mark Twain, and became a good salesman.

SCHLITZ, press agent of Milwaukee, U. S. A., who was successful
in advertising himself and his town. In England he is

SCHOPENHAUER, father of race suicide. Lionized by the French
Republic and T. R. Ambition: Empty cribs. Recreation: Trips
with his wife and children. Clubs: Mother's.

SCOTS, Mary Queen of, a Scotch lady who is said to have been
beautiful, who fell in love, and was one of the few women whose
less attractive sister got the better of her.

SCOTT, Walter, a Scotchman who secured fame without adopting
the national characteristics. His critics claim this was the
reason he failed in business. Wrote some books which are read
by students and persons possessing much time.

SEBASTIAN, Saint, the Italian who was shot with arrows and ran
second to the apostles in the number of his portraits exhibited
in European galleries.

SEIDLITZ, powder manufacturer.

SEVILLE, Barber of, a celebrated tonsorial artist who
introduced the marcel wave and the Gillette razor into Spain.

SHACKLETON, Ernest, another pole explorer. He was saved the
ignominy of reaching the desired point by the shortness of
rations, but he was near enough to become a profitable author
and lecturer.

SHAKESPEARE, William, the man who was born at
Stratford-on-Avon. When a young man he amused himself by
poaching, visiting the Hathaway cottage, and being the village
pest. Married the inmate of the cottage and went to London, a
city in England. S. became an apprentice actor, and was said
to have been nearly as bad an actor as his contemporaries. His
fame later arose due to his growing popularity. He died. S.'s
birthplace is now one of the tourist sights of the world. More
post-cards are sent from this town than from any of its size in
Europe. The church where he lies buried has an immense
floating congregation. S. also shared honors with one Bacon
for writing a few plays. Ambition: Present-day prices in
Elizabethan theatres. Recreation: Rehearsals. Address: The
World. Epitaph: (Has been obliterated.)

SHAMPOO, a barber of Shoo Poo, China, who introduced the art of
clean heads into the Celestial Empire. This has since fallen
into disrepute in that country, but is sometimes practiced in
other lands.

SHAW, G. Bernard, grouch, truth teller. An English writer who
made money by being honest enough to tell people what they
knew. S.'s enemies claim he would have to work should his
theories be put into practice. Believes in socialism and wants
everything. Author of considerable sarcasm, wit, and divided
opinion as to his talents. Ambition: An Americanless England.
Also, sales. Address: Watch bill-boards.

SHEBA, Queen of, an ancient mere woman who matched her brains
against the brainiest man who ever lived. She lost.

SHEM, Noah's heir. Was first officer of the Ark.

SHERMAN, General, secured his fame by marching to the sea and
giving a terse definition of war.

SHERRY, proprietor of a New York restaurant where a person
feels wealthy while at the table and poor afterward.

SHOE, Old Woman of the, one of those anti-race-suicide mothers
whose family caused considerable worry. Ambition: A better
job for her husband. Address: Shoe. Clubs: She did not have
time for any, and thus could not be a suffragette.

SHUSTER, Morgan, an American child who attempted to play the
diplomatic game in Persia with grown ups. Was spanked and sent
home. Occupation: Crying. Ambition: Ambassador to a country
without diplomats. Address: Home.

SHYLOCK. See New York City business directory.

SIMON, Simple, epicurean. Passed an uneventful life with the
exception of an encounter with a confectioner near the fair
grounds. The man operated his business on a cash basis. Simon
was broke and no sale was consummated.

SINBAD, an old tar whose yarns are still on the distaff.

SISTERS, Seven Sutherland, a noted family who held out
salvation for the bald and envy to women.

SMITH, John, the bravest man who ever lived. Smith ate the
first lobster.

SMITH, John, secured his renown for living in every city in the

SOCRATES. He helped introduce brains into Greece. Committed

SOLOMON, King, author, musician, builder, benedict. An old
Mormon who established a record for wearing wedding clothes.
When a child he developed a Boston brain. This grew as the
years advanced. At a tender age he began acquiring
mothers-in-law. This caused his subjects to doubt his acumen.
S. thoroughly vindicated himself, and set about building a city
and a big church to hold his family. Wrote a number of popular
songs. His proverbs also had a big sale. Ambition: Just one
more wife and an end to those quarrels in the harem.
Recreations: Picnics with the family. Also was fond of the
phonograph. Address: Care the Mrss. Solomon. Epitaph: Here
Lies The Original Man Who Knew It All.

SON, Prodigal, tourist, oat sower, and herdsman. Son of
wealthy parents. Became tired of home and desired to travel.
Visited foreign lands and had a jolly good time. His letter of
credit expired. Friends were never at home after the event.
S. had to work. Later he took a bath and walked home. Father
was delighted and gave a banquet in his honor. Unpopular with
his brother. Career: Wild. Satisfaction: Saw something of
life. Address: Home.

SOUSA, John P., American bandmaster who wrote books and shot
pigeons between march compositions.

SPENCER, Herbert, a scientist who believed the human race
degenerated from monkeys, and established the theory that only
the survivors are the fittest.

SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E., a woman who lived years ago in Great
Britain and the United States, who believed that noble man was
incompetent, incomplete, incompatible, incongruent,
inconsistent, and an incubus in his incurious incumbency. She
was the daughter of Too Much Time and Too Much Money. Early
days spent at home. She married and began her career. S.'s
first weakness was a club. Then she fell to the level of a
speech maker and a flag carrier. The fanatical desire to see
her name in print led to the adoption of strenuous press-agent
tactics. She died fighting. Ambition: To offset her husband's
vote on election day. Recreation: Parading, windows, bombs,
letter boxes, English ministries, and a string of etcs.
Epitaph: Requiescat In Pace. (Also see Mrs. Pankhurst and

SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E. Anti-, still lives, but is dying fast.
Belongs to the moss-back half of femininity. Has serious
objection to use of her head, except for decorative purposes.
Was not averse to press notices and looked with envy on the
achievements of the suffragettes in this direction. Being
denied high office in their ranks because of lack of adequate
cerebration, she set up a rival organization where brains were
not requisite. Entertains the utterly absurd idea that all
women, except herself, belong at home with their husbands and
children. Where they belong in the absence of these, deponent
sayeth not. Ambition: Continued parasitic existence.
Recreation: Manufacturing evidence and tagging on behind.
Address: Wherever there are suffrage meetings. Epitaph: Alas!
The World Does Move And She Was "Agin It."

SULZER, William, the kettle who called Murphy black. Also the
governor of New York who enjoyed the unprecedented honor of
retiring from office in order that he might be considered a
progressive. Motto: Be sure your sins will get you out.
Ambition: To be a martyr to the claws. Diet: Tigers.
Epitaph: You May Air, You May Perfume Your Clothes As You
Will, But The Smell Of Impeachment Will Cling To You Still.


TAFT, William Howard, a former fat, and last Republican,
president of the United States who worshipped the trusts, the
Constitution, the Supreme Court, and Theodore Roosevelt. The
love he bore the latter resulted in his election. The two
brothers quarreled because Bill would not step aside and let
Teddy run things all over again. The two brothers fought and
another ran away with the election. Principal events during
T.'s administration: Roosevelt's trip, The Outlook, Oyster Bay,
Standard Oil, That election. Ambition: 1916. Recreation:
Golf, messages to Congress. Address: Cincinnati, O. Epitaph:
How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth It Is To Have A Thankless

TANGLEFOOT, he was the man who first stuck flies on flypaper.

TANGUWAY, Eva, an actress who did not care even if those on the
front row did.

TENNYSON, Lord, an English poet who turned a perpetual light on
a charging brigade.

TERRY, Ellen, a dear old lady whom the world wishes the
footlights might always shine upon and upon whom the curtain
would never descend.

THAW, Harry K., famous lawyer endower. Entered life as the
rich son of a wealthy father. Became interested in the stage
at an early age, but only got as far as the chorus. Later
performed on a New York roof garden. Alienists say he was the
sanest crazy man and the craziest sane man who ever lived.
Also obtained some publicity by expensive exploring in Canada
and New Hampshire. Ambition: Wreaths for Jerome. Recreation:
Straightening jackets. Address: See this morning's paper.

THEMISTOCLES, a Greek warrior who fought, but did not run a

THIRD, Richard the, a king of England who showed how much he
thought of the country by offering to exchange it for any kind
of a horse.

THUMB, Thomas, a white pygmy who enriched himself through his
misfortunes and the curiosity of the world.

TIBERIUS, just a Roman emperor who fitted the job.

TIFFANY,[12] of New York City, London, and Paris. Introduced
high prices into the jewelry business. Greatly admired by
fiance's and millionaires. Has gained considerable fame, as
his products will pawn on a good margin. Ambition: A man in

[12] Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement, as the editor is
not an actress.

TIME, Father, a very old man who has been introduced to
everybody. Very unpopular with the ladies. A great wound and
sorrow healer, but unkind to the old. He went about the world
changing babies into men and women, and placing gray hair and
wrinkles where they were never wanted. Author: Of tears.
Recreation: Reaping. Address: Your home. Epitaph: Ad Finem.

TINTORETTO, a Venetian painting manufacturer. Together with P.
P. Rubens he held the record for covering canvas and wearing
out brushes. Recreation: He never had any.

TITIAN, another painter of Venice. His works have always been
popular with the men. They are exhibited in all European
galleries, and cause consternation among clergymen and school
teachers. T. certainly could paint. Ambition: Models.
Recreation: Models.

TOLSTOY, a voice out of the dark.

TOM. (See Richard and Harry.)

TOM, Uncle, an old negro actor who appeared in every city,
town, village, and hamlet in the United States north of the
Confederate States. His history was written by Mrs. H. B.
Stowe, and was the match which kindled the Civil War. The
Northerners have since learned that all negroes are not Uncle
Toms, and are wondering whether any mistakes were made back in

TOURISTS, T. H. E., a man and woman who carried a camera,
bought post-cards, read Baedekers, visited Cook's office, rode
in carriages, and then told their friends all about the trip.
Ambition: Just one look at everything. Address: Principally
Europe. Epitaph: They Came, They Saw, They Vanished.

TROY, Helen of, a peach of a girl who eloped with a man and
caused the longest siege in history to make her elope back

TURNER, J. M. W., an English painter whose paint exploded on

TWAIN, Mark, an American who wore long white hair, made
after-dinner speeches, received university degrees, and made
people laugh.

TWINS, Siamese, two men who were closer than brothers.

TWIST, Oliver, one of those unfortunates whose history had to
be divulged for the financial gain of a great writer and many
theatrical mangers.


UFFIZI, an Italian who prevented scores of the old masters from
starving to death by filling his house in Florence with their
canvases. Since the Morgan art raid the market price has
advanced and U.'s investment has become profitable.

ULYSSES, warrior, inventor, and traveler. Sprang into fame at
the siege of Troy, where he invented the horse which recaptured
Helen. Escaped from Polyphemus, a one-eyed giant, by sticking
a burning telegraph pole in his eye. Later performed his
greatest feat by evading the Sirens. Stayed away from home so
much his wife forgot what he looked like. His dog, however,
recalled the scent and prevented U. from sleeping in the barn.
Press Agent: Homer. Recreation: Travel, wars. Address:

UNDERWOOD, Oscar, known as Underwood Bill. A gentleman from
Alabama who walked in a presidential, but ran in a senatorial,
race. He had something to do with the high cost of tariffing.

UNKNOWN, the man who painted thousands of pictures in art


VALESQUEZ, Spanish canvas coverer. In the absence of the
camera, he was appointed the court oil photographer. Exposed a
portrait of Philip IV in every gallery in the world. Art
textbooks think a great deal of V.

VANDERBILT, an American family of means who possess a few
railroads, much of New York City, some splendid divorces, and a
weakness for Newport and newspapers.

VAN DYKE, beard inventor and artist. A Dutchman who invaded
England with portraits and his tonsorial achievement.

VAN HOUTEN. He was the man who put cocoa in tin boxes.

VENUS, a dream of a girl who lived long ago, posed for her
statue, and had to die after everybody fell in love with her.
Was born and painted at sea. Married at an early age. Was a
regular heart breaker. V. had an affair with one Adonis, and
later with Vulcan. Not much is known of her old-ladyhood, as
she refused to pose for statues when advanced in years.
Ambition: Parisian gowns, the love of the gods. Recreation:
Love. Address: The Louvre, Paris. The Uffizi Gallery,
Florence. Clubs: She was too good looking to be a

VERSONNESE, Paul, decorator of the Doges Palace, Venice, and
contributor to most galleries. His work was nearly as prolific
as Reubens, and two or three of his paintings compare favorably
with the naughty Titian.

VESPASIAN, the man who built the colosseum in Rome for the

VESPUCCI, A., an enterprising journalist who arrived on the
scene after the discovery had been made. V. wrote the story in
such a clever manner he succeeded in cheating the discoverer
out of naming the place. (See Columbus.)

VICTOR, he was the man who put the fox terrier in front of the
talking machine.

VINCI, Leonardo Da, painted Mona Lisa for the Louvre, Paris.
His reputation has soared in proportion to the duration of her
absence. Ambition: To be the Morgan family painter.
Recreation: Looking for purchasers. Epitaph: He Has Finished
His Last Supper.

VIRGIL, an old text-book writer. Had something to do with the

VIRGIN, Vestal, an old maid of Rome who was locked up in the
forum for protection. She attended the gladiatorial contests
and played with her thumbs.

VITUS, Saint, dancing master whose repertoire did not include
the turkey trot.

VOLTAIRE, a Frenchman who went around with a bad taste in his

VULCAN, fireman and tinsmith. Made a number of celebrated
forgings. Had a career like the ancients and fell in love with


WAGNER, Dick, a Dutchman who wrote a few sheets of music, went
into the opera business, but died before the good singers or
Hammerstein prices appeared.

WALKER, Johnnie, 1820. Spent most of his life at your favorite
bar until you appeared.

WALTON, Isaac, he was the fellow who started those awful fish

WASHINGTON, George, child model, father, etc. Spent early days
chopping trees, holding conversations with his father, killing
Indians, and being brave. Later he drove those tea-selling
Englishmen from the United States, said farewell to his troops,
and became a politician. W. decided he was not good enough for
a third term and retired. His picture has been widely
distributed. Ambition: To be the happy father of a big Uncle
Sam. Recreation: Powdering his wig. Address: Washington.
Clubs: Anti-Ananias.

WASHINGTON, Booker T., only a distant relation of the above. A
big black man who went about the country raising money to put
brains into ivory. He also told his audience how unfortunate
they were in not being coons. (See Uncle Tom.)

WATSON, Doctor. He boswelled Sherlock Holmes.

WEBSTER, Dan., an American statesman and a member of Congress
before the invention of investigating committees. He died

WEBSTER, Noah, speller, writer, reference-book maker, and
language itemizer. W. was the man to whom Mark Twain paid a
glowing tribute by saying he was a great writer, but his
stories were too short.

WELLINGTON, Duke of, an Englishman who taught a great French
general to say "Tout est perdu." He later taught England that
many a good soldier makes a poor politician.

WHITEHEAD, of Fiume, Austria. Mission in life was to reduce
the size of dreadnaughts.

WHITTINGTON, Richard, proprietor of a celebrated back-fence

WIDOW, Merry, a dream who hung around Mr. Maxim's restaurant in
Paris, made love to nobility, toured the world, and finally
died. Death was caused by overexertion. Before the war she
was engaged to a Balkan prince. W. visited New York, London,
and Paris. Everybody fell in love with her and whistled her
praises. Past: (?) Press Agent: Frank Lehar. Ambition:
Millionaires. Recreation: After 11.45 P. M. Epitaph: When
Will There Be Another Like Her?

WIGGS, Mrs., a woman who successfully advertised cabbages.

WILLIAMS. He was the man who ruined the shaving-mug business.

WILSON, Puddin' Head, a young lawyer who was fathered by Mark
Twain. No relation to the following.

WILSON, Woodrow, one time president of an American football,
educational institution, who outgrew his job. He moved up to
be governor, made a few cure-all speeches, introduced Roosevelt
to Bryan, changed his address to Washington. Took out a
watchful, waiting policy. Is now in Who's Who, but whether he
will remain in that publication or this one cannot be
determined at the time of going to press. Ambition: To keep
Roosevelt and Bryan running. Recreation: Teaching, Browning,
other brain exercises, thinking, Congress. Address:
Washington, care Joseph Tumulty. Clubs: Pedagogue, Mexican.

WINSLOW, Mrs., known over the world as the lady who soothes the
baby's little tummie.

WONDERLAND, Alice of, traveless discoveress. Made a lady of
the Royal Geographical Society. She was a great favorite of
the children and many grown ups. She always will remain a
Who's Whoess.

WOOLSEY, Cardinal, a churchman who combined politics with his
profession, became wealthy, unfortunate, and was finally
written up by Shakespeare.

WRIGHT, Orville, one of the inventors of the aeroplane who
knows the inside of the business, and believes one life on the
ground is worth two in the air.


[13] Ed. Note: The editor is again compelled to apologize for
the X's.

XENOPHON, a Greek who endeavored to introduce morals into his
country. He died young.

XYLOPHONES, inventor of the xylophone.


YALE, Eli, founder of the enemy of Harvard and Princeton.
Football, pipe, and bulldog fancier.

YORICK, an acquaintance of Hamlet who was recognized even in an
emaciated condition.

YOUNG, Brigham, the man who introduced Mohammedanism into the
United States and placed Utah on the flag. When a young man he
became a strong anti-monogamist. Moved west with his wives.
Utah increased in population and was admitted as a state.
After building a great temple, dedicated to Hymen, he died,
leaving a considerable family and a few widows. Heirs: See
Utah census. Ambition: London and New York in Utah. Address:
Utah. Clubs: Race Suicide. Epitaph: Like Father, Like Son.


ZANGWELL, Israel, a child of the Ghetto who believed the pen
was more profitable than the pack. Ambition: The Promised
Utopia. Recreation: Zangwell plays. Address: The Ghetto.
Clubs: A. O. H.

ZANY, A., the book reviewer who said Who Was Who was the
greatest book ever written.

ZEPPELIN, Ferdinand, manufacturer of wrecked dirigibles, and an
aeronaut who knew how to land. Insurance still in vogue.
Ambition: The elevation of the German army. Recreation:
Aeronautics with the Kaiser. Address: Air. Clubs: Aero.

ZOROASTER. He was the man who introduced fires into warm
He also thanks the readers in the name of the Editor for their
kind attention.

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