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Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date: Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be, edited by Irwin L. Gordon

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WHO WAS WHO 5000 B. C. to Date

Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be

Edited by Irwin L. Gordon


THE editor begs leave to inform the public that only persons
who can produce proper evidence of their demise will be
admitted to Who Was Who. Press Agent notices or complimentary
comments are absolutely excluded, and those offering to pay for
the insertion of names will be prosecuted. As persons become
eligible they will be included without solicitation, while the
pages will be expurgated of others should good luck warrant.

Who Was Who contains over 500 biographies of those who did or
endeavored to become famous. In a work of such magnitude
errors occasionally occur. Should this be the case, the editor
will be glad to receive corrections from the ex-celebrities or
their enemies. These will be accepted gratis. Proofs will be
sent to all subscribers. Members of the family will be able to
order the coming editions in advance by applying and remitting
to the publisher.

The work is fully protected by the libel laws of the United
States and Great Britain. Under no circumstance will duels be

The editor wishes to express his thanks to those who have
furnished material for this book. He also trusts they will
show their good feeling by purchasing a copy, and that all the
unfortunates will speedily be returned to Who's Who. THE


A1.......... Can open charge account.
A. B........ Four years hard sentence.
A. M........ When we get up.
Cit......... Common people.
C. O. D..... No credit.
Cong........ A Washington organization used for social and
investigation purposes.
D. D........ Be careful of your jokes.
Dem......... Politicians who get in office, once in awhile.
D. H........ Pull.
D. T........ Delirium tremens.
Ets......... The rest of us.
F. R. A..... Brains.
F. R. G. S.. People who do not stay at home.
G. O. P..... Hic jacet.
Hon......... Speaker of the occasion.
H. R. H..... Chief advertiser for cigarettes, mustard and kid
I........... Roosevelt.
Incog....... Prominent men in Paris.
IOU......... Hard luck.
Ire......... Mother of politicians.
LL. D....... American millionaires.
M. P........ Home rule debaters.
Parl........ Where the M. P.s debate.
P. M........ When we go to bed.
R. A........ Any kind of a painter but a cubist.
Rep......... See G. O. P.
R. I. P..... See following pages.
Sir......... Writers and tea merchants.
U. S. A..... Bryan + Wilson.


Bryan, William Jennings, of U. S. A.
Cannon, Joseph G., of U. S. Congress.
Castro, Cipriano, of Venezuela Asphalt Trust.
Cavalieri, Lina, of Paris and New York City.
Cook, Doctor Fred. A., of New York City and Denmark.
Dewey, George E., of U. S. N.
Diaz, Perfiro, of Mexico.
Din, Gunga, of Kipling.
Dreyfus, Captain, of France.
Fallieres, Armand, of the French Republic.
Gorky, Maxime, of Russia.
Hafid, Mulai, of Morocco.
Hamed, Abdul, of Turkey.
Hammerstein, Oscar, of New York City and London.
Holmes, Sherlock, of Doyle.
Huerta, V., General of Mexico.
Irish Home Rule, of Ireland and London.
Johnson, Jack, of U. S. A.
Lloyd-George, David, of England.
Manuel, King, of Portugal.
Pankhurst, Mrs., of England.
Patti, Adelina, of Wales.
Roberts, Frederick S., of Kandohr.
Rojesvensky, Admiral, of Russia.
Roosevelt, Theodore, of "The Outlook."
Shackelton, Earnest, of England.
Shuster, Morgan, of Persia.
Sulzer, William, of Tammany Fall.
Taft, William Howard, of Cincinnati, U. S. A.
Time, Father, of Everywhere.
Widow, Merry, of Paris, London, and New York City.



ADAM[1] (last name unknown), ancestor, explorer, gardener, and
inaugurator of history. Biographers differ as to his
parentage. Born first Saturday of year 1. Little is known of
his childhood. Education: Self-educated. Entered the
gardening and orchard business when a young man. Was a strong
anti-polygamist. Married Eve, a close relative. Children, Cain
and Abel (see them). Was prosperous for some years, but
eventually fell prey to his wife's fruitful ambitions. Lost
favor of the proprietor of the garden, and failed in business.
A. started a number of things which have not been perfected.
Diet: Fond of apples. Recreation: Chess, agriculture.
Address: Eden, General Delivery. Clubs: Member of all
exclusive clubs.

[1] Ed. Note: Adam should not be first, but he is given that
position out of respect.

ABEL, son of the above. Spent early days in the Garden of Eden
with his parents, and later traveled with them. Conducted a
sheep raising business. Finally had a row with his brother,
and was knocked out in the first round.

ABRAHAM, a patriarch whose descendants now own New York City,
Jerusalem, vast sections of the remainder of the globe, and
control the pawn-broking, diamond, theatrical, and old clothing
markets. Camel and sheep merchant. Considerable land was
willed him. A. prospered. Married Sarah (last name unknown).
Marital infelicity followed, A. having an affair with Mrs.
Abraham's maid. The woman was discharged, and the family lived
happily ever afterward. Ambition: The chosen people.
Recreation: Riding, tennis, camel racing. Address: Caanan.
Clubs: Country.

ABRUSSI, Prince Luigi Amedeo Guiseppe Maria Ferdinando
Francesco, of the Italian nobility. Spent the greater portion
of his life taking care of his name, climbing mountains,
fighting Turks, and denying rumors regarding his marriage.

ACHILLES (first name unknown), a baby whose mother gave him a
bath, but forgot to wash all of his feet. Later was veteran of
the siege of Troy. Died before receiving pension.

AESOP, novelist, nature faker. Little is known of his
childhood except that he was fond of dogs and played with the
cat. Later he made animals his life's study. A. discovered the
zoological principal that a turtle can run faster than a
rabbit, and that foxes never eat sour grapes. Publications:
Fables; the book has had a good sale. Address: Greece.
Clubs: Zoological Societies.

ALADDIN, of Somewhere. An ancient who possessed a lamp and a
genii with which he could secure anything an American
millionaire or actress can now purchase.

ALDRICH, Senator N. W., architect of the Aldrich Plan, a system
for removing the financial interests of the country from the
common people and placing them in the hands of the few.

ALPHONSO XIII, a king who enjoyed Paris without losing his job.

AMUNDSON, Captain Roald, another pole discoverer. Away back in
the year 1912 he reached the south pole after a considerable
journey through the Arctic regions. Like his predecessors he
became an author and lecturer. Publications: The South Pole.
Price, Pd2.2S in England; $10.50 in the U. S. Later A. retired
and lived on his royalty. Ambition: A few more poles, a few
more books.

ANANIAS. See Dr. Cook and Roosevelt.

ANDERSON, Mary, actress; one of the wisest women who ever
lived. In the height of a brilliant stage career she fell in
love, and decided that a quiet home with a husband and children
was more to be desired than the empty plaudits of the crowd,
and the attentions of stage-door Johnnies.

ANGELO, Mike, painter and sculptor of no mean ability. Born in
Italy, but named after Irish relatives. At school he showed
his talents by making cartoons of the teachers. These were
unappreciated. Moved to Florence, where he bought some
chisels, brushes, and saw his first model. A. remained a
bachelor. Later he moved to Rome, and began a brilliant
church-decorating career. Secured permission of the Pope to
give an exhibition in the Vatican. This was finally made
permanent. Also made a fortune erecting tomb-stones for the
Medici family, leading politicians of his time. It is difficult
to leave Italy without seeing much of his work. A. never
favored the cubists or post-impressionists. Recreations:
Painting, sculpture. Address: Rome.

ANTHONY, Saint, of Pauda. An Italian who visited Paris, and
could not forget what he saw.

ANTOINETTE, Marie, wife of Louis No. 15, who assisted her
husband to spend the French taxes. Was also a practical joker,
her humor terminating at Versailles when she advised a mob to
eat cake during a bread famine. Her wit was unappreciated.
Ambition: Anything but October 16, 1791. Recreation:
Versailles; looking through a grated window. Address:
Versailles. Later: Consiergerie, Paris.

APOLLO, a handsome ancient who fell in love, posed for his
statues, patronized music and poetry, and, finally, had a table
water named in his honor. Career: See longer and less
respectable biographies. A. was the first person to sing to
the accompaniment of a musical instrument, but he was a good
singer. Ambition: Paris. Recreation: Music, travel,
archery. Address: Greece. Clubs: Athletic, musical.

ARC, Joan of, celebrated French suffragette. Spent girlhood
milking cows and embroidering. When the English ministry began
operations in France J. dropped her embroidery in the milk
bucket and began suffragetting. She did not break windows or
blow up anything. Gathered a host of males about her and
captured towns. English exited. J. went back to the cow, but
again had to take to the armor. She was finally jailed, and
burnt up by the Radical ministry. She burned an old maid.
Recreation: Barn dances, churning. Clubs: Orleans

ARISTOTLE. Introduced brains into Greece.

ARMOUR, a Chicago family who keep the world supplied with meat,
and themselves out of the government jails.

ARNOLD, Benedict, a man who sent his name down through history
with a bad odor attached to it.

ARTHUR, King, a very dead English sovereign who manufactured
the Round Table, and did all the things a good English king
should do. Little is known of his Prince of Waleshood. Was
crowned in Westminster Abbey, but without the American
contingent. Became proficient as a knight. Stayed away from
the palace so much his queen began flirting. Al's sword was a
wonder. Press Agent: Lord Tennyson. recreation: Grailing.
Address: Windsor, Buckingham.

ASQUITH, Herbert Henry, an Englishman who helped run things in
his country before 1908, and who ran things after 1908. Was
also a favorite rallying point for suffragettes. Led a
successful wing-dipping expedition against some of his
countrymen who held titles to names and property. Also juggled
dynamite in Parliament (see Lloyd-George). Ambition: Women
without ambitions. Recreation: Dodging, golf. Address:
Constantly in danger of a change. Clubs: Favored Radical.

ATKINS, Thomas, celebrated red-coat-wearing dandy who flirts
with nurses and cooks, spends his time boasting about South
Africa and the U. S. A., posing for motion pictures, and
exhibiting royalty. Authorities differ as to his marksmanship,
although it is now conceded he can often hit a man-sized target
at the distance of 4 feet 3 inches. Weather, however, must be
clear. Is an authority on creases, backbone, accent, and tea.
Beverage: Everything. Recreation: Jacks, collecting stamps,
Kipling, blindman's-buff, parlor tricks, May-pole festivities.
Ambition: Tortoise-shell monocles, camp manacurists, pocket
bath-tubs, and restoration of the tea canteen. Epitaph: See
Emperor William.

ATLAS, a man who held up the heavens and was not even a
preacher. Edited a huge book which bears his name.

AURELIUS, Marcus, one of the few Romans who is not remembered
for crossing a river, for being murdered, for murdering
somebody, for making speeches, or building triumphant arches or


BABY, T. H. E., an unscrupulous tyrant, s. father and mother.
His first appearance caused heaven at home, and an idiotic
father. Education: At home. Career: A series of adventures.
Was frequently ill, a poor sleeper, toy demolisher, throat
exerciser, nurse distractor, and a general nuisance. Despite
his shortcomings he ruled Home with an iron hand--a tear caused
a doctor-- a smile meant a gold mine. Diet: Principally
liquid. Ambition: The moon. Recreation: Coaching, hair
pulling, a proud father. Address: See Mother.

BACCHUS, patron saint of most men, benefactor, a jolly good
fellow, and the founder of the "morning after" feeling.
Studied vine raising when a young man. Discovered that grapes
were not intended for a food. Invented the greatest pleasure
and pain giver the world has ever seen. Became a traveler.
Introduced ale and stout in England, whiskey in Scotland,
everything in Ireland, cocktails and patent medicines in the
United States, beer in Germany, champagne in France, absinthe
in France, and vodka in Russia. Career: Magnificent.
Recreation: Paris. Address: Greece. Clubs: All, except W.
C. T. U. Epitaph: He Will Live In The Throats Of His

BACON, Francis, either wrote or did not write Shakespeare.

BAEDEKER, Karl, one of the most versatile men who ever lived.
Childhood and old age unknown. Formed an ambition to travel
when quite young. First visited Switzerland, where he climbed
every peak, walked every path, hired every guide, and did
everything a tourist should so. His field of travel widened
until every country in Europe was visited, as well as the
United States, Canada, Alaska, and Mexico. In these lands he
slept in every hotel, ate every dish in every restaurant, drank
every wine, rode on every boat, tramway, subway, and train;
visited every ruin, museum, art gallery, church, store;
mastered every language, science, art, literature, custom,
history, and drew maps and plans of everything. Publications:
Baedekers. Recreation: Staying at home. Ambition: Tourists.
Residence: Germany.

BALFOUR, Arthur James, of England, one time leader of the
talking forces of the House of Commons. Ambition: Opposition
seats on both sides of the house, and an epitaph over the home
rule bill. Recreation: St. Andrew's golf and writing deep

BALZAC, H., a Frenchman who wrote a few Parisian stories which
may be discussed in respectable company.

BARBAROSSA, Kaiser, the only emperor of Germany who ever went
to sleep.

BARKIS. Fame rested only upon his complete willingness.

BARLEYCORN, John, an eminent citizen of the world. Spent early
days in the fields, breweries, and distilleries. Later resided
in cellars. John had a red nose. Was a great friend of
Bacchus. He was a "wasser," he is an "iser," and he will be a
"will be-er." Ambition: The end of temperance societies.

BARNUM, Phineas T., fathered the introduction of the peanut,
the clown, and the beautiful bareback riders. As a side show
he taught that some Americans were Progressives part of the
time; that other Americans were Republicans all the time, but
that all Americans were not Democrats all the time.

BARRY, Madame Du, writers' model, former queen of France. Was
a great friend of Louis XV. and helped make the dances at
Versailles a success. She always preferred marcel waves to
pompadours. Ambition: To have and to hold. Address: See
Louis. Clubs: Anti-suffragette.

BARTHOLOMEW, an unfortunate saint who was skinned alive. Patron
of gold mine investors and American tourists in Europe.

BEARD, Blue, inventor of an original method to dispose of
wives, before Reno was discovered.

BEATRICE, a Florentine girl who gained fame by refusing the
suit of a love-sick poet. Later she conducted him through
heaven, and made arrangements for his travels in the other
place. B. died a famous old maid. Ambition: A lover with
money. Epitaph: She Might Have Been Mrs. Dante Had She Wanted

BEECHAM, a celebrated pill roller.

BELL, Alexander Graham, inventor of a well-known necessity and
nuisance. Started the saying, "Number, please."

BELSHAZZAR, an old king whose handwriting on the wall proved to
be correct.

BENEDICT, Saint, the man who introduced benedictine and monks
into Europe. Also gave his name to benedicts.

BERLITZ, the man who will teach you how to say it in

BERNHARDT, Sarah, an ancient French actress. Sarah was born
before birth records were inaugurated, and no historian has
been able to determine her age. Career: On the stage at four
months. During her young-woman and goodlooking days-hood B. is
said to have made a hit with European nobility. In her
declining years she made a few other fortunes in the United
States. B.'s fame culminated in having several cigars,
perfumes, perspiration powders, and a theatre named after her.
Ambition: The fountain of youth. Recreation: Statuary,
acting. Address: Private cars and 56 Blvd. Pereire, Paris.
She also has a telephone.

BILL, Buffalo, alias W. F. Cody, the delight of the American
boy. He began his career shooting buffaloes and Indians on the
plains of the West, and ended it shooting glass balls for a
fortune in a tent. Installed the I-want-to-be-a-cow-boy
ambition in the hearts of young America. He also made a goatee
and a big hat famous. Played the show market a little too long.

BILLIKEN, a funny little fellow who did not wear many clothes,
and made people laugh.

BISMARCK, a German who was a greater politician than any
Ireland has ever produced. He built an empire, crowned an
emperor, changed the Frenchmen in Alsace-Lorraine into
Dutchmen, and made the Paris mint work overtime for his
country. Quite unpopular in France. Ambition: Made in

BLACKSTONE, a rock upon which many a legal ship has foundered.

BLERIOT, benefactor of humanity, idol of the tourist, and enemy
of navigation. B. discovered a method of crossing the English
Channel without being seasick.

BLUCHER, a Dutchman who was on the job at Waterloo. He also
was not the only German general who ever fought France.

BONAPARTE, Joe, just Nap.'s brother (see him).

BONHEUR, Rosa, a lady French artist who wore men's clothes.
Being an old maid, she painted animals, but never mastered the
parrot or the cat. Her endeavors were confined to horses, and
one of her paintings is considered fair.

BOOTH, General William, founder of a vast army which never
fought a battle, made a retreat, or surrendered. Conducted
campaigns in Great Britain and the United States, with brass
bands and collection devises. The army later became a
suffragette institution when women were admitted as recruits,
and placed as sentries to guard the Christmas-Easter collection
forts. Publication: War Cry. Recreation: Reviewing troopers
and troopesses.

BOSWELL, Dr. Johnson's press agent (see the Doctor).

BRADSTREET, author. Wrote a book in which he described your
bank account and told how you paid your bills. His
complimentary comments are highly valued.

BRIEUX, Eugene, a seller of damaged goods who got away with it
without being fined or driven out of business.

BROWN, John, an American who helped start the Civil War by
espousing the cause of the negro. This resulted in his body
moulding in the grave.

BROWN, Thomas, an Englishman who reversed the usual procedure
of life by springing into print when young, and keeping out of
it when old.

BROWNING, Robert, a cryptogram writer whose poems are
deciphered by the Bostonese and cultured English people. It
has been estimated that B. could say more with fewer words and
conceal his meaning better than any writer since the adaptation
of the alphabet as a means of expression.

BROWNING, Mrs., Bob's wife. She also wrote poems. They were
easily understood, and consequently seldom read.

BRUMMELL, Beau, a man whose thoughts were more for the crease
in his pantaloons than for his head.

BRUTUS, Et Tu, a Roman murderer.

BRYAN, William Jennings, a famous Chatauqua lecturer who ran a
newspaper and the State Department on the side. Archaeologists
claim B. formed a passion to rule the nation when a child. He
only got as far as the Democratic party and platforms. Became a
golden orator with a silver speech and offered himself as a
rectifier of all things not Bryan. For ages his name was
placed on the presidential ballot and later removed. Made a
fortune by telling people why they did not elect him. Also
toured the world, but shot no game in Africa or Monte Carlo.
Was the father of Bryanism, an odious word meaning things
Bryan. Later secured one Wilson to attend to Washington detail
work. Motto: All things come to him with bait. Ambition:
Short ballot with one name. Publications: The Commoner, a
newspaper devoted to Bryan advertisements. Address: Mail
forwarded from Washington. Epitaph: He Will Rise Again.

BUCHANAN, J. C., manufacturer of the Scotchman's delight and
weakness. He showed the world the excellence of two colors, and
caused many a man to lose the keyhole.

BUDDHA, a prince of India who tired of good times and turned
reformer. Advised his congregations to adopt the recall and
referendum. Nailed several anti-saloon and burlesque planks in
his platform. After B.'s death his friends filled the Orient
with his bronzes. He was fat and wore a fascinating wart on his

BULL, John, a fine, fat, American-beef fed individual who
inhabits a suffragette-infested island somewhere in the North
Atlantic. Born several hundred years ago and is beginning to
show his age. Is fond of the sea and is said to have a fine
fleet. This has had off years, notably 1812. B. has had
trouble with a son who wishes to leave the paternal protection.
Is fearless except when faced by a hunger strike, the Pankhurst
family, and thoughts of Germany. Patronizes a costly social
organization known as the Royal Family, or a reception
committee for American heiresstocracy, which also dedicates
buildings, poses for stamps, post-cards, motion pictures and
raises princesses of Wales for magazine articles and crowning
purposes. B. is a monitor of English style; wears a monocle,
spats, 'i 'at, cane, pipe, awful accent, and never makes his
appearance without a cawld bawth. He detests the word
"egotism." Is a celebrated humorist, seeing through all jokes
but himself. Ambition: 'Ome sweet 'Ome. Recreation: Tea,
Week Ends. Address: Hingland. Clubs: Policemen's, Golf,
Jockey, and Suffrage. Epitaph: See Emperor William Again.

BURNS, Robert, surnamed "Bobby," a Scotch bard who wrote love
poems about his sweetheart. He thus performed two remarkable
feats-- making poetry in the Scotch language, and finding a
girl in Scotland who was as beautiful as his lines declare.

BUTTERFLY, Madame, a little Japanese lady whose child has
remained the same size and age for the past eight years.

BYRON, Lord, an Englishman who swam rivers, was wise enough to
get away from the London weather, helped kindle Greek fire, and
wrote poems.


CAESAR, Julius, school book writer, river crosser, and a great
politician who was not born in Ireland. Entered Roman politics
as the leader of the Gang. Was active in military affairs.
Became a fair general despite his poor service training.
Desired to write a book. Began by taking an army and capturing
Europe and England. He did not waste his time with Scotland or
Ireland. C. made a river famous by crossing it, and finally
included Rome in his history of victories. Became popular with
the voters, but had trouble with the Senate. Wrote books and
paid his debts. Was finally attacked by a few vested-interest
senators, and stabbed by a chum. The murderer was caught, but
escaped the gallows. C. was honored with one of the finest
funeral orations over delivered over a corpse. He was also
awarded a few triumphant arches. Publications: Omnes Gallia
est divisa in tres parses. Ambition: Rome: Address:
Capitol, Rome. Clubs: Gladiators, Vestal. Was also a member
of the Society for the Protection of Roman Ruins. Epitaph:
Veni, Vidi.

CAIN, one of our ancestors of whom we do not brag.

CANNON, Honorable Joseph G., late of the Speaker's Chair, House
of Representatives, Washington, U. S. A. For centuries C.
occupied the chair, and tenderly protected poor railroads and
trusts from the unkind remarks of congressmen who knew things
and him. Was finally retired from the chair by the Democrats,
and from Congress by his constituents. Grave: 1912 election.
Heir: Champ Clark. Ambition: Those good old trusty days once
more. Address: The Far Back Woods. Epitaph: R. I. P.

CANUTE, a king of England who proved the theory that the ocean
could wave at him.

CARLOS, Don, a man who does not believe a head is uneasy which
wears a crown. Ambition: Royal Palace, Madrid. Address:
Northern Spain.

CARMEN, celebrated Spanish flirt. She worked in the government
tobacco factory at Seville until a clever writer and a musician
rescued her. Went on the stage. Has appeared in most of the
cities throughout the world, made love to several singers, and
then been killed by a bull fighter after singing her way
through five acts.

CARNEGIE, Andrew, or "Andy," or the Laird of Skibo. A fine old
American who went about giving away libraries, advice, peace
buildings, and advertising armor plate. When a young Scotchman
he scotched his three dollars a week and purchased the steel
trust. Later retired. Ambition: Universal peace with all
dreadnaughts steel trust armored. Also a library in every
town. Recreation: Telling young men how to scorn the root of
all fortunes. Also receiving university degrees. Address:
University commencement platforms, New York City and Scotland.

CARTER, a doctor who wants everybody to have liver trouble.

CARUSO, Enrico, millionaire opera singer, who appeared in the
Victor Talking Machine and New York City. Always had a cold or
a sore throat, a condition which assisted materially in filling
the house. Like all his contemporaries, C. has been sued for
divorce and breach of promise, has lost his jewelry, visited
zoological gardens, sung for charity, given farewell concerts,
and done other things to help his newspaper and box-office

CASTELLINE, Count Boni Di, a French gold prospector who was
successful for a time in the U. S.

CASTOR, one of Leda's twins. Also invented an oil (see

CASTRO, Cipriano, of Venezuela. First man to introduce
American-Irish politics into South America. Acquired a
fortune, which was greatly increased by a personal friendship
with the American asphalt trust. Was revolutioned a few times,
and finally escaped with the mint and his life. Career:
Dangerous. Ambition: Subjects without guns? and a New York
police force in his country. Recreation: Taxes. Address: ?

CHAMBERLAIN, Joe A., of England. A former Lloyd-George of the
Treasury, who had different ideas of taxation.

CHARON, ferryman. Never had a childhood. Devoted life to his
business. Has navigated more people than all the Atlantic
liners combined. Ambition: A launch. Recreation: None.
Address: The Styx.

CHAUCER (first name unknown), an early experimenter in the
English language. Notorious as a bad speller. His best-known
work is used as a student puzzle in leading universities and
colleges. Ambition: A typewriter and a dictionary.

CHINAMAN, John, a well-known character in the U. S. who washed
clothes, and made chop suey until he had enough money to return
to his native land, purchase a few wives, and live in opium.

CHURCHILL, Winston, wrote books for a living.

CHURCHILL, Winston, did not write books for a living.

CINCINNATUS, of Rome, who left his plow to make his share in
politics. Later inaugurated the back-to-the-farm movement.

CINDERELLA, the only scullion maid who had a small foot and two
sisters in society. Historians have questioned her claims to
fame, but they may easily be substantiated by millions of

CLAUS, Santa, poor father.

CLEOPATRA, of Egypt. A queen who presented England with a
threadless needle, fell in love with some foreigners, was
unsuccessful in her love and naval affairs, and finally became
a mummy through the auspices of an adder. Ambition: An
Egyptian St. Patrick. Also Royal lovers. Recreation: Barging
with Anthony. Epitaph: Pyramid.

CLIMBERS, T. H. E., an American man and woman who had money and
ambition. Spent the early portion of their lives gathering
cash, and the later in spending it. Were welcomed by many
people, but never quite reached the top. Both died trying to
get there. Ambition: An English nobleman in the family.
Recreation: Paris, London, and Switzerland. Address: See
Recreation. Clubs: All, with the exception of the ones they

COLE, King, a merry old monarch of the Kingdom of Childhood.
Great smoker, and was fond of the bowl. Recreation: Fiddlers.

COLEMAN, a man whose invention has caused tears and throat

COLUMBUS, Christopher, map enlarger, skipper. Said to have
been born in Genoa. Something made him believe the world was
round. He endeavored to secure money to prove his theory, but
nobody cared whether he was correct or not. Realizing there
was no capital or prophet in his own country, he took passage
to Spain. There he inveigled Isabella into equipping an
expedition for him to discover America. She did and he did.
Ambition: To keep New York City in the family. Recreation:
Deck shuffle-boards, dreaming. Address: San Salvatore. Clubs:
Palos Yacht.

COMPANY, T. H. E., a man and woman who invariably called when
we were taking a nap or dressing. Charming conversationalists.
Recreation: Tea. Ambition: An invitation to dinner.

CONFUCIUS, A Chinese preacher of note. Lived some 500 years B.
C. and taught the chinks the art of joss making, and how to do
things backward. He also was the founder of ancestor worship.
This still is practiced in England, but never in the United
States or Australia. Recreation: Fireworks. Ambition: A
Chinese laundry in every city. Epitaph: More Majorum.

CONQUEROR, Will The, of Normandy. Wrote "Hastings" and "1066"
in all history books.

COOK, T. H. E., Lord of the Household. Entered the kitchen at
a tender age. Soon acquired considerable weight in person, and
in the management of the house. When she departed there was
weeping, and wailing, and waiting. Diet: Usually large and
everything of the best. Ambition: An American policeman, or
Thomas Atkins. Recreations: Days off. Address: The whole

COOK, Captain, a real explorer who discovered the Sandwich
Islands and who took the first Cook's tour around the world.

COOK, Doctor Frederick A., an explorer who said he discovered
the north pole, but nobody believed him. (See Peary.)

COOK, Tom, celebrated ticket seller, author of captivating
travel literature, and a tour arranger who guarantees to save
you money. Owns and operates the Nile and Mount Vesuvius.
Publications: The Come On Books. Ambition: Those Americans
who want to see everything. Also "first timers." Address: Any
foreign city equipped with tourists.

COOK (first name not known), son of the above, who helps his
father save money for the tourist. He is called "fils" in

COPPERFIELD, Dave, one of Dickens' friends who assisted him in
building a reputation.

CORBETT, James J., known as "gentleman Jim," one-time champion
fighter of the world, and a "has been" for whom everybody has a
good word. Many persons wish he might be the Corbett he used
to be. Ambition: A white champion.

CORELLI,[2] Marie, an old-maid authoress who wrote delightful
love scenes. She is said to have written some books which
brought her fame and royalty. C. does not approve of society
except her own. She remains secluded with her typewriter at
Mason Croft, Stratford-on-Avon, only being seen by her
publishers and the editor. Publications: See book stores and
railway stations. Recreation: Flowers. Clubs: All

[2] Ed. Note: The editor hopes to remove this name before the
next edition. Its insertion is entirely due to the machinations
of book reviewers, who claim Miss Corelli's books have fallen
into the "was" class. The editor never contradicts a book

COXEY, General, leader of the only non-militant army in the
world which did not take up collections or give away Christmas

CRITIC, Dramatic, a notorious prevaricator who tells the world
to see all the shows, and thus preserves the advertising column
for his employers.

CROESUS, an ancient John D. Rockefeller, who became wealthy
without trusts, the Supreme Court, or the stock market.

CROKER, Dick, ex-king of New York City. Born in Ireland of
Irish parents. From childhood he practiced the art of politics,
which resulted in his gaining the friendship of the New York
police force. C. was elected. C. was very poor. Later
retired to his native land with two Atlantic liners filled with
salary. Ambition: An Irish president. Recreation: English
Derbys. Address: Ireland. Clubs: 1,100,000 New York

CROMWELL, Oliver, a militant Presbyterian who entered politics,
and went about England tearing down churches. He also assisted
in putting King Charles I. out of his pleasure. Ran things in
England on a reform-Cromwell basis, and after his death was
honored by having his round head placed as a decoration over
Westminster Hall.

CRUSOE, Robinson, F. R. G. S., traveller and autobiographer.
Visited a sparsely-settled island in the Pacific Ocean; talked
to parrots; found some footprints; rescued Friday, and returned
to England to become an author.

CUPID, Daniel, a cute little fat fellow who called on every one
at least once. Born shortly after Adam, and is still up to
mischievous tricks. It was he who made kings fall in love with
poor country girls; chauffeurs with their ladies, and beggars
with princesses. C. held all men and women equal provided they
were good, and he made the happiest people on earth when they
listened to his voice. He witnessed several international
engagements, but did not like them, as the contestants gave him
a black eye. He also was responsible for mothers-in-law. Some
roads he made very rough, but C. always was a good guide. At
times he caused pain, but he said it never was his fault. When
C. stayed in a house the sun was always shining. You should be
at home when he calls. Ambition: That sigh. Recreation:
Archery. Address: Perhaps you know. Clubs: None. He prefers
the fireside and moonlight nights.

CURIE, Madame, one of the few women who got her name in print
without being a suffragette or an actress.

CZAR. See Russia.


DANIEL, ancient lion tamer. Also performed the difficult feat
of remaining in a fiery furnace without his family applying for
the insurance.

DANTE, of Italy, architect of the under world, journalist,
lover, and poor politician. Wrote articles for magazines, but
used too much slang. Later fell in love. The girl (see her)
knew what journalists were, and refused to spoon. Exasperated,
he began a bombardment of poetry. That settled it. D. then
entered politics. Soon learned they did not mix with love and
his business. Both he and his manuscripts were banished.
Traveled in Italy in the interests of safety. Posed for his
bust while suffering with a bad attack of dyspepsia.
Publications: Poems, tragedies, and comedies (?). Ambition:
To be Beatrice's Romeo. Recreation: Travel. Address: II via
Dante, Florence. Seldom at home.

DANTON, the man who wound up France before the revolution.

DARLING, Grace, a light-house keeper's daughter who showed the
world that a woman may fear a mouse, but not a tempest. One of
the truly brave who did not receive a Carnegie advertisement.

DARWIN, Charlie, a well-known enemy of preachers. He discovered
that many men looked like their progenitors, and proved his
theories with the exception of one link. The clergymen claimed
that a chain with one link missing was no chain, and that D.
was a nature faker. Publications: Origin of Species, a
valuable book, even if it does fail to explain the currency

DAUGHTER, Pharaoh's, an Egyptian princess, who took a bath, and
rescued little Moses from the bull rushes. (See Mose.)

DAVID, King, or "Dave," shepherd, writer, musician, champion
sling shot, and politician. Son of poor parents. Entered army
as a volunteer, and was awarded medals for his attack upon
Goliath. Appointed musician to the royal household. Became
friendly with the Prince of Wales and succeeded in doing him
out of the coronation. Later was elected king. Fell in love
with Mrs. (name not mentioned by newspapers). Gave her husband
a conspicuous position in the army. Married her. Heir: Sol.
Publications: Psalms. Recreation: Slinging. Address:

DEATH, a hideous man who called at least once during a
lifetime, usually toward the close. Patron of insurance
companies. Nothing is known of his childhood. Historians claim
he never had any. Possessed an ugly face; wore a sheet over his
head, and always carried a scythe in his hands. Never brought
happiness, although his visits frequently gave money to some
one. Never could be bribed to pass a house he wished to enter.
Many doctors and scientists have endeavored to kill him, but he
continues to be a safe bet at 100 to 1. Heir: None.
Ambition: A happy home and prosperous graveyards. Recreation:
Sharpening scythes. Address: Always hung out a black cloth
wherever he resided.

DELILAH, friend of Samson, and quite a dip. She also
accompanied Samson on a number of European and American opera

DELMONICO, founder of a Fifth Avenue New York City cafe, where
the cost of living has ever been high. He introduced the
French menu into the U. S. and with it considerable

DEMOSTHENES, an old Greek talker.

DENIS, Saint, a saint with an Irish name who made good in

DEPEW, Chauncey M., an ancient railroad-wealthy U. S. Senator
from the state of New York. He made after-dinner speeches,
dedicated monuments; married a young wife, and was relegated to
obscurity by the American voters.

DESDEMONA, of Venice. A lady whose handkerchiefs cost more
than her clothes.

DESLYS, G., a French dancer who had sufficient charm to attract
a royal press agent, who could draw crowds and a big salary.

DEVIL, see Old Nic.

DEWAR, John, inventor of a popular Scotch beverage without
which no cold day is complete.

DEWEY, George E., a former American hero who totally destroyed
a Spanish armada in Manila Bay. He received the homage of a
nation; had cigars named after him; appeared in Who's Who; was
paraded through the streets; married a widow; moved to
Washington; got in bad with the inhabitants, and got out of the

DIANA, an ancient sportswoman who loved fox hunting, hounds,
and the chase without the conventionalities of a society hunt.
Address: Ephesus.

DIAZ, Porfiro, former king and political leader of Mexico, who
departed from the social functions of a king to assist the
government. Legends prevail to the effect that he patterned
his actions on a Napoleon-Roosevelt policy. He also was
requested to move. Ambition: A revolution with himself on
top. Recreation: The fandango. Address: Fifty years in the
White House of Mexico. Epitaph: Wilson Never Bothered Me.

DICE, see Thomas and Harry.

DICE, Diamond, American ten-cent adventurer; friend of the
messenger boys and embryo criminals. His biography formed an
important part in the lives of the boys who never visited the
Carnegie libraries.

DICKENS, Charles, an English writer who wrote.

DIN, Gunga, a limpin' lump of brick dust, water carrier.
Employed in H. R. H. service in India. Wore few clothes.
Fought in many battles. Frequently gave bad water to soldiers.
Rescued Thomas Atkins, but was shot while in the act. Saved
the government the price of a medal. His pathetic story was
widely published. Later it fell into disfavor in the U. S. and
Great Britain, it now being considered a crime to recite the
story. Ambition: To come back like Sherlock Holmes.
Recreation: Sleep. Address: Care of biographer.

DIOGENES, the most foolish man who ever lived. He endeavored
to find something with a lantern which could not even be
located with a searchlight. Ambition: A brighter lantern.
Recreation: Cleaning globes. Address: Tub. Epitaph: Here
Lies A Man Who Attempted The Impossible.

DISRAELI, a Hebrew who gave up the trades of his ancestors to
run England.

DOE, John, an honest man who was defrauded out of millions by
persons who forged his name.

DOODLE, Yankee, American horseman who made people take off
their hats, shout, and whistle when he rode into town.

DORCAS, a modiste who founded the church gossip societies.

DOWIE, alias Elijah II, a celebrated Chicago divine who showed
the world how easily some people were deprived of their money
and religion.

DRAKE, Francis, an English admiral who did not have a public
square named after him. D. also introduced the spud into

DREAMER, T. H. E., castle builder. Lived long ago, and
intended doing something to-day. Spent much time thinking about
the best girl in the world. A great friend of Procrastinator.
Went through life waiting for to-morrow. Several men, however,
with the same name, have awakened and given their dreams to the
world (see Columbus, etc., and Lady Macbeth).

DREW, John, prehistoric American actor.

DREYFUS, Captain, founder of the Dreyfus Case. Got out of jail
by being one of the few innocent men who got into print.

DUFF, Mac, a Scotchman who gained fame because he was a good
layer on.

DUMPTY, H., celebrated accident victim. Fell from a wall at an
early age and never recovered, despite the services of

DUN, another man whose word of commendation will enable you to
open a charge account.


EASTMAN, George, inventor of the brownie camera and the most
expensive sport on earth. Ambition: The kodak fiend,
tourists. Address: Rochester and London. Clubs: Camera.

EDDY, Mrs., of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., a lady who made
millions by telling the world there was no such thing as the
toothache, sea-sickness, or hitting your thumb with a hammer.

EDISON, Thomas, an American who invented everything with the
exception of the sun dial, Pear's soap, and the Gillette razor.

EIFEL, a Frenchman who built the second tower of Babel, but who
was wise enough to stop before he got too high.

EIGHTH, Henry the, suitor, blue beard, and church builder. When
a young man he became a benedict, a condition in which he
remained until well along in years. As fast as a queen
appeared at the breakfast table with her hair down her back,
she was dispatched to the block. A couple of queens got ahead
of him. Was nearly as successful in obtaining divorces as
Napoleon, of France, and American millionaires. In his later
years he competed against the Pope in England. Ambition: A
harem. Recreation: Spooning. Dreams: Bad. Address:

ELGIN, Lord, the man who rolled the Elgin marbles from Greece
to the British Museum. Also had something to do with the
interior of watches.

ELIJAH, a prophet of old who was fond of ravens (not red).
Later he went somewhat out of his line, but succeeded as a
chariot driver.

ELIZABETH, Queen, called "Bess" by Raleigh and the rest of the
boys. E. reigned when people did things. She was wooed and
lost by an Armada (see Philip II). She finally walked over
Raleigh's coat, and later wiped her feet on him. E. had a
sister by the name of Mary, who was better looking, and less
fortunate. E. was queen when the pipe was introduced into
England. Other and less important events of her reign were:
Shakespeare, Spenser, and Virginia. Died an old maid. Heir:
She did not have any.

ELLIOT, George, a lady who wore a man's name and wrote books.

EMANUEL II, Victor, the original of the statues in every town
of Italy; a king with ambitions, who was wise enough to entrust
his affairs to a brainier man, and was thus made famous (see

EMERSON, Ralph Waldo, American writer who inspired his readers
to conquer the world. Several have failed. Also advised the
practical theory of hitching your wagon to the stars. Lived
before the time of the taxi.

EPICURUS, an ancient who believed that pain was unpleasant and
that pleasure was good. His descendants live in expensive
hotels and eat only in high-class restaurants. Many suffer
with the gout. A popular cat foot was named in his honor.

ESAU, an ancient who sold his birthright for a mess of
breakfast food.

ESTHER, Queen, a beautiful lady who triumphed over the villain
of the book, married the hero, and lived happily ever

EUCLID, an old Greek who made poor students read his book as
far back as 300 B. C. He discovered the phenomenon that the
shortest distance between two points is a crow's flight, and
that two parallel lines always compete.

EVE, see Mrs. Adam.

EYRE, Jane, an old maid school teacher, who married a rich
husband after the fashion of books.


FAGAN, the Hebrew benefactor of Oliver Twist, whose name did
not fit his religion.

FAHRENHEIT, inventor of an instrument which enables a person to
ascertain whether the weather is warm or cold.

FAILURE, T. H. E., a failure. Supposed to have idled away his
younger days. Believed to have dissipated. Said not to have
applied himself to school or business. Found fault with life
and everybody, but was never wrong himself. Unpopular. A
great blamer. A lover of revolvers, rivers, and the poor house.
Frequently seen in the under world. Ambition: The other
fellow. Recreation: Too much. Address: All large cities.
Clubs: None. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Never Really

FALLIERES, Armand, occupied a prominent position in the French
government for seven years. One of the most distinguished of
the vast collection of ex-presidents now scattered over the

FALSTAFF, a celebrated drunk.

FASHION, Dame, heart breaker, bank account ruiner, and patron
saint of French shop-keepers. She went about the large stores
changing the cut of ladies' clothes and the shape of their
hats. Created some awful looking things. F. made the poor men
work very hard to keep up to her. Publications: Editor of all
Ladies' Magazines. Address: Paris, London, and New York City.
Epitaph: (Would that she had one.)

FAUST, chemist, traveler. A gay old man who fell in love
during his second young manhood, traveled in a warm country,
and sang his way to fame.

FAWES, Guy, a man who attempted to make an impression in
Parliament without introducing home rule or suffrage bills.

FINN, Huc, a bosom friend of Thomas Sawyer (see Tom).

FITZIMMONS, Robert, an obsolete fighter who wishes he could rub
the black spot from the ring.

FLETCHER, the inventor of chewing.

FLORADORA, an American chorus girl, who was some popular with
the men. She appeared in all large cities with the best looking
chorus that ever wore tights. F. created such a sensation that
every living actress of note is willing to be classified as a
former member of her company. Had a miserable cigar named after
her. Ambition: Revival. Grave: New York City. Epitaph:
There Were Not Many Like Flora.

FOGG, P., The man Jules Verne sent around the world in sixty
days for a big sale.

FOOL, A., a spendthrift lover. Fell in love with an
unintelligent woman and one who never could understand.
Followed his natural bents, even as you and I. Wasted several
years. Wept profusely. End unknown. Recreation: Vampires.
Epitaph: He Was Not The Only One.

FRANKLIN, Benjamin, one of the few Americans endowed with
brains. He discovered that lightning was composed of
electricity, that politics paid better than printing, and that
the French Court was more lively than the Continental Congress.

FRERES, Pathe, patron of the motion picture fanatics.

FRIEND, A., the scarcest thing on earth. A rare visitor, but
he came around a few times in a lifetime. F. was glad to know
of your success, pitied you in your failures, and shook you by
the hand when you were down and out. Never borrowed money, but
he frequently lent it. Was a wise counsellor. Very popular.
His name was frequently given the baby (see Mischief).
Ambition: The other fellow's welfare. Recreation: At the
other fellow's house. Address: The other fellow's house or
his own. Clubs: All.

FRITCHIE, Barbara, a Southern target. Sprang into poetry as
the only woman in the history of mankind who admitted her old

FULTON, Robert, inventor. Another brainy American who made a
fortune for the Cunard and White Star lines.


GABRIEL, A., trumpeter. Entered history at an early date as
the agent for the Garden of Eden. Compelled the Adam family to
move. Historians claim he will again be in Who's Who when St.
Peter (see him) makes the inventory. Ambition: Larger lungs.
Recreation: Aviation.

GAINSBOROUGH, T. R. A., a versatile English hat and portrait

GALILEO, inventor, star gazer. Proved himself an imbecile by
declaring the world revolved when everybody knew it was
stationary. Manufactured the first spy-glass, an instrument
which has since been used in theatres and for various other
purposes. Also discovered that clocks were equipped with

GANGSTER, T. H. E., a politician known as a "progressive" when
out of office.

GARDEN,[3] Mary, a clever actress who succeeded on the opera
stage. Legend has it that Mary possessed a fine voice as a
child. This was expensively cultivated in Europe, was later
exposed before English and American congregations, and her
Sapho-Salome-Thais-Carmen costumes packed the houses.
Ambition: Less wealth and more throat. She also wants a
husband with a soul. Recreation: Being presented with opera
houses and suppers. Residence: Principally Atlantic liners.

[3] Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement.

GARIBALDI, G., the George Washington of Italy without the tea
party. He espoused the cause of Victor Emmanuel (see Victor),
and successfully Bismarcked the Italian States. Slept in every
town in his country, ran second to V. E. in the number of
statues erected to his appearance, and for three years held the
championship for eating spaghetti.

GARRICK, an old English matinee idol.

GATLING, R. J., he was considered a big gun.

GAUL, Dying, a brave soldier who posed for his statue when
mortally wounded.

GEORGE I, King of England, 1660-1727. Permitted the whigs in
general, and one Walpole in particular, to run England.

GEORGE II, King of England, 1683-1760. Held a few wars.

GEORGE III, King of England, 1736-1820. Lived during the reign
of William Pitt, and believed in taxing tea.

GEORGE IV, husband of Queen Mary (see front pages of our
contemporary Who's Who).

GEORGE-LLOYD, Dave, a well-known cigar, English politician.
Entered politics via a newspaper, clever speeches, and votes.
Was a modest member of the House of Commons, seldom speaking
more than four times on any bill. Kept climbing until he
became under secretary of something, order keeper of the Board
of Trade, and finally occupied a prominent position in the
Exchequer. Assisted the Primer to grasp the Irish home rule
millstone, and hung on without a gurgle. Ambition: A
dynamite-proof house, a tax on air. Recreation: (see
Asquith). Address: Front row House of Commons. Clubs:

GIBSON, Charles Dana, American artist who pleased the old
inhabitants before the market was so wet.

GILLETTE, manufacturer of a well-known Christmas present which
cuts barbers out of their tips, and is deucedly annoying to

GIRL, The Chorus, Um!

GLADIATOR, Dying, another brave artists' model.

GLADSTONE, W. E., a grand old man who twice premiered England,
chopped trees, and failed to make accurate measurements with
the Irish home rule.

GLYNN, E., an old maid authoress who knew things. Wrote a book
which everybody tells the rector they have not read, and then
re-reads it when the doors are locked. In the United States a
law has been passed compelling booksellers to include a bottle
of disinfectant whenever a G. book is sold. Ambition: A
publisher who is not afraid of the police. Recreation:
Reading her own books. Address: Probably Paris. Clubs:
Always blackballed.

GOAT, T. H. E., the one who purchased this book.

GODIVA, Lady, horsewoman whose costume rivalled many exhibited
at the Paris horseshow. Many said her habit was out of sight.

GOETHE, a Dutchman who succeeded in making a few German words

GOLIATH, ancient heavyweight champion, who was knocked out in
one round by a lightweight. Defeat attributed to
overconfidence. Friends said nothing like that had ever entered
his head.

GOODWIN, Nathaniel, an American who was opposed to Mormonism,
but who adopted it on a progressive and newspaper scale.

GOOSE, Mother, a fine old lady who was loved by all, but who
told some awful untruths to the innocent.

GORDON, I. L., editor of Who Was Who. Probably the greatest
writer who ever lived. Spent early childhood in infancy. At
the age of fourteen began shaving and wearing long trousers. At
twenty-one G. was considered of age. Began writing while a
child. Penmanship so poor he took to the typewriter. Wrote Who
Was Who with hope someone would purchase it. Some one did.
Ambition: (He considers this personal and will not be quoted.)
Recreation: Looking for publishers. Address: Paris when
financially able. Other times in one of those confounded
newspaper offices.

GORKY, M., a resident of Russia who became unpopular with the
government and moved. He endeavored to make a lecture tour of
the United States accompanied by another man's wife. Learned
that this was not the usual custom in America. His managers
and hotel proprietors requested him to continue his travels.
Ambition: A czarless Russia; less fussy people. Publications:
Much unpatriotic literature.

GRAY, the man who wrote a clever cemetery poem, the first line
of which is remembered by everybody.

GREAT, Peter the, shipbuilder, and the only ruler of Russia who
never was bombarded. Was also unique in the fact that he
worked. Historians claim this was due to his poor salary.

GROAT, John, proprietor of a celebrated house located some
distance from Land's End.

GUILLOTIN, Doctor, a French inventor of a popular method of
decapitation, who had such confidence in his invention that he
was the first to give it a practical demonstration.

GULLIVER, a Munchausen-Doctor Cook-Peary traveler who never
submitted his proofs, but who found a credulous publisher and a
gullible public. Never lectured.


HAFID, Mulai, a sultan of Morocco, who succeeded in abdicating
before he was abdicated.

HAGAR, Miss, Abraham's wife's maid who nearly broke up a happy

HAHNEMANN, Doctor, of Leipsig, discovered the sugar pill and
called it homeopathy.

HAM, second officer and engineer of the Ark.

HAMED, Abdul, a retired professor of diplomacy, champion
promiser, and a sick man. When a youth he began instructing
the monarchs of Europe in the use of a government. One of his
favorite pastimes was reading ultimatums. Fearless until a
warship entered the harbor, and even then usually got rid of it
with promises. Employed massacres to break the monotony of
reigning. Acquired as fine a harem as ever sat on silk
cushions. Some of H.'s younger subjects though he should be
ostlerized (see Dr. Ostler). They gave him his harem and
salary, and locked him up in a palace. Then the wise ones lost
Tripoli and about everything but sleeping room in Europe.
Motto: I told you so. Ambition: To be back on the job.
Recreations: Private entertainments. Address: Harem.
Epitaph: Everybody Worked But Father.

HAMLET, a Dane who had difficulty with an auxiliary verb. Also
founded the foolish questions.

HAMMERSTEIN, Oscar, an opera broker who inflicted himself, high
prices, and buildings upon certain communities.

HANDEL, placed "Handel's Largo" on the music stands. Also wrote
a few other airs.

HARRY. (See Thomas and Richard.)

HARVARD, John, an Englishman who founded a great American
university near the cultured town of Boston, Mass., U. S. A.,
where football players and the sons of American millionaires
eke out an education.

HARVEY, Doctor W., a physician who learned in 1619 that his
patients had blood which circulated. The discovery has since
been of some profit to his successors.

HEINZ, of Pittsburg, Pa. A man who never tried to conceal his
name. Sold American baked beans, catsup, and fifty-five other
varieties to the world.

HELENA, Saint, Constantine's mother. She built a few churches
(also see Napoleon).

HEMANS, Mrs., poetess who gave to the world that rich, soulful,
and exquisite poesy, "The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck." It
is said the poem has been parodized.

HENRY, Pat., an Irish-American politician who demanded liberty
or death. From all that can be ascertained he secured the

HERCULES, the Sandow of the ancients, promoter of the Olympic
games and laborer. H. claimed to have done some things which
are even questioned by the partisans of Doctor Cook. Killed
about everybody, erected two pillars, stole some apples, and,
in short, did everything but enter politics or invent a
breakfast food. Ambition: The thirteenth labor. Recreation:
Muscle development, travel. Address: The Pillars. Clubs:
Athletic. Epitaph: Now Is A Mighty Man Fallen.

HIAWATHA, American Indian who permitted his wife to starve to
death simply for the want of proper nourishment. Many claim a
great American poet used bad taste in writing the biography of
such a man.

HICHENS,[4] Robert, planter of the Garden of Allah.
Experimented with belle donna. H. is still in Who's Who, and
multitudes of readers hope he will remain there for some time
to come. Ambition: Sales. Recreation: Filling his fountain
pen or cleaning typewriter. Address: Care of the Publisher.
Home: Sicily.

[4] Ed. Note: The editor hopes to meet Mr. Hichens some day,
and is compelled to make the biography flattering.

HILL, Samuel, a man who did things in a hurry. Also a
celebrated rain storm.

HOBSON, American-Spanish War hero who lowered his ideals and
went to Congress. Later he became a temperance lecturer. Was
heard by great crowds. Produced statistics to show how few
saloons failed after a lecture.

HOLMES, Sherlock, detective. When a child he devoured
inexpensive literature and theatres. This fired his mind to
eliminate Scotland Yard as a crime-detecting agency. Entered
the profession of a detective, but was unknown until Doctor
Watson pulled him into print. His fortune was then made. All
the society scandals were placed in his hands, and if he only
told what he knew about society--! H. solved the most
complicated mysteries with a stroke of his hypodermic needle,
and was only baffled in locating the murderer of Cock Robin.
His name struck terror into the hearts of criminals and
competing publishers. After all the criminals in England had
been jailed or hung he was killed by an author, but the great
H. solved the mystery of the grave and came back to life in
time to see his murderer knighted. Now at work on the
suffragette case. Ambition: Another Dr. Watson. Recreation:
Fond of Doyle's works and the violin. Address: 31 Baker
Street. Clubs: London Prison Society. Epitaph: Au Revoir,

HOMER, travel writer, mythology expert, and journalist. Began
career as a reporter on the Athens "Times." Was discharged for
incompetence, and took up honest writing. Found a publisher
who thought his writings would sell to posterity. Later H.
took charge of the Ulysses Tours. Was war correspondent for
the Greek associated press at the siege of Troy. Ambition:
Fewer classics and more money. Publication: See libraries and
school rooms. Address: Care Athens. Clubs: Literary, Fourth

HOOD, Red Riding, a brave little girl who escaped alive from a
wolf which had previously partaken of a relative.

HOOD, Robin, a fine robber of merry England who took from the
rich and gave to the poor, and made crackerjack material for

HOOD, Sarsaparilla, the manufacturer of another remedy for
Harvey's discovery.

HOPE, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She was a near
relation of Ambition. Discovered the words "wish" and "if" and
gave her name to the world. She was the first woman to
manufacture ideals, and has been made the patron saint of the
suffragettes (see Suffragette). H. went about making life
worth while. She was loved by all those millions of lovers and
all those millions of men and women who endeavored to do
things. Ambition: The discouraged. Recreation: Success.
Address: Perhaps she has resided in your home.

HORACE, Quintus Horatius Flaccus, a rhymester of Greece who
sang and drank of the Falernian wine.

HORATIUS, Roman bridge tender who saved the city, and swam the
Tiber without getting stuck in the mud.

HOUR, The Man of the, most popular and versatile man who ever
lived. Attracted tremendous attention. Newspapers printed his
picture and ran long articles about his life, family,
eccentricities, etc. Won fame in war, science, pulpit,
aviation, stage, art, music, politics, literature, finance, by
saving a life and in exploring. His accomplishments were
infinite. H. was lionized by royalty, society, and beautiful
women. Made addresses, gave interviews, received honors. He
was the man everyone wanted to shake by the hand so they could
tell other people they had done it. Ambition: Another hour.
Recreation: Basking. Address: All countries. Clubs: All

HUERTA, Victoriano, a Mexican who made it necessary to employ
extra telegraphers and throat lotions at the White House. He
also was responsible for the phrase, "The Mexican Situation."

HUR, Benjamin, chariot racer, actor. Appeared in all large
cities, showed his noble figure, raced his horses, downed the
villain, packed up, and moved to the next town.

HURST, William Randolph, father of the American unwhitened
newspapers. Democrat. Started life in a humble manner, only
controlling a few newspapers. He soon purchased others. His
magical touch changed their color. Employed the greatest staff
of imaginary geniuses ever gathered together. These men had the
ability to write unhampered by mere details or facts. H. also
employed many good lawyers and used them frequently. Fortified
by his constituents, to wit: the aforesaid geniuses and
newspapers, H. entered politics as a candidate for anything.
Was always Bryaned and Roosevelted. Ambition: Same as Bryan.
Recreation: Reading yellow journals. Address: All large
American cities. Epitaph: The Vote Is Mightier Than The Pen.

HYDE, Mr. (See Dr. Jekyll.)


IBYCUS, a Grecian poet who improved poetry by permitting words
to rhyme at the ends of the lines.

ICARUS, father of aviation. Record holder for the first
tumble. Selected water as the spot for his fall, and was not
picked up with the debris. Ambition: A Wright machine.
Recreation: Tuning up. Address: Greece. Clubs: Aero.

IEKATERINOGRADSK, of Russia. Little is known of his life
except that he built a celebrated fort to protect the poor
Cossacks from the molestations of the populace. Was probably
blown up or died in prison.

INGERSOLL, first man to bring the price of turnips to within
the reach of authors and artists. Historians claim he would
have made another fortune had he lived when the sun-dial trust
had its own way.

INGERSOLL, Robt. G., one of those contented souls who did not
believe in anything, and made a fortune by telling people what
he believed.

INNOCENT, thirteen popes. Address: Rome.

IRVING, Washington, a pleasing American writer who visited
Westminster Abbey, made Rip Van Winkle wake up, and wrote a few

ISAAC (last name unknown), s. Abraham and Sarah.[5] Spent his
childhood like all little Isaacs and later married Rebecca,
claimed by historians to have been a Jewess. Had two famous
sons, Esau and Jake (see both, but especially the latter). Died
at the tender age of 180 years.

[5] Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for a seeming familiarity
He did his best to ascertain the lady's last name, but failed.

ISABELLA, a Spanish queen who vowed she would not change her
clothes until the Moors were driven from the country. Her
husband, the king, raised an army and accomplished the feat.
I.'s name is sometimes connected with the discovery of America.
This, however, is an error, as Columbus took a more active

ISAIAH, a prophet who wore second-hand clothing.

ISHMAEL, son of Abraham, whose appearance complicated his
father's estate. Traveled extensively in the desert with his


JACK, the man who kept company with Jill. Occupation: Water
carrier. Killed while at work. Ambition: An artesian well in
the valley. (See Jill.)

JACOB, birthright speculator, traveler, s. Isaac, and brother
of Esau. Was mother's pet. Became proficient as a character
impersonator, but never went on the stage. Left home suddenly.
Slept on a stone and had hard dreams. Later married, and was
responsible for Joseph and his brethren. (See Joe.)

JAEGER, Doctor Gustav, claimed his underwear kept him warm.

JAMES, Jesse, an American westerner who murdered, stole, and
appeared in paper novels for the benefit of the messenger boy,
the author, and the publisher.

JAMES, King, a Scotchman who was considered good enough to be
elected king of England.

JANOS, H., manufacturer of a popular beverage.

JAPHETH, third officer of the Ark.

JEFFERSON, Joe, a fine old memory.

JEFFREYS, James J., formerly a prize fighter, who carried his
gloves and bluff once too often to the ring. (See Johnson.)

JEKYLL, Doctor, a physician who took a dose of his own

JEW, Wandering, an ancient Hebrew who has been going over the
face of the earth for centuries, only stopping at the call of
such men as Eugene Sue and Lew Wallace.

JILL, Jack's girl. She was assisting her fiance when the
accident occurred.

JOB, prehistoric millionaire who had his ups and downs. Like
all rich men, he had a good young manhood, saved his money, and
entered the market. Formed the camel trust and cornered the
real estate market. The market tumbled and so did J. Family
troubles also distressed him. His camels died of the colic or
were stolen. J. went broke. Even in hard luck he patronized
the temple, and believed while there was money it could be had.
Started in business again with a small capital, remarried, and
ended his days ahead of the game. Ambition: A chance at the
New York Stock market; death to his comforters. Recreation:
Sackcloth and ashes.

JOHNSON, John, called "Jack," one-time black champion
prize-fighter of the world, who learned that too much chicken,
automobile, and champagne made even a colored gentleman a

JOHNSON, Samuel, no relation of the above. Employed the
greatest press agent the world has ever seen, and was thus made
famous. Also wrote.

JONAH, traveler, whaler, and lucky dog. Became renowned for
taking a rough trip to sea. Was thrown overboard because he
was the jonah. Swam until he was tired, and finally made a
morsel for a fish. Tradition has it that J. was tough and
indigestible. He remained three days and three nights in the
interior of the whale, causing the animal considerable
annoyance when he exercised. Was later mal de mared, swam
ashore, and thanked his lucky stars for his indigestibility and
the illness of his rescuer. His story was published. Still
causes some comment. Tradition also says that J. never could
look a fish in the face after the harrowing incident.
Ambition: Dry land. Recreation: Mountain climbing. Address:
Sodom. Clubs: Alpine.

JONATHAN, a man who loved King David more than a successor.

JONES, John, made a fortune for Europe by inventing the picture

JONES, John Paul, an American admiral who scared England, and
was only prevented from capturing London by the unimportance of
the place.

JOSEPH, a Hebrew-Egyptian politician. Born in Judea. When a
young man he became his father's favorite, while his brethren
had to do the heavy work. Wore a loud coat. This aroused the
ire of his brethren, resulting in Joe being sold as a slave,
and in the coat being sent to the cleaners. J. journeyed to
Egypt, where he refused to elope with the Pharaohess. Her
husband, the Pharaoh, out of gratitude, put J. in prison, and
afterward made him the royal butler. Years passed. A famine
occurred in Judea. Joe's brethren came down to Egypt to lay in
provisions. There they were confronted by the coatless Joe,
who thanked them for the good luck they had thrust upon him.

JOSEPHINE, only one of that great multitude of women who
carried a heart which was broken by the ambitions of a man.

JUDAS, suicide.

JUDY, Mrs. Punch, but usually unconventionally called by her
first name. She suffered considerable annoyance at the hands of
her husband, although she frequently hen-pecked him. Went on
the puppet stage for a few hundred years, displaying her
domestic infelicity.

JULIET, a celebrated sweetheart who permitted her lover to make
love on a balcony. Her history was written by one Shakespeare,
and had a splendid sale. (See Romeo.)

JUPITER, boss of the ancient gods, father of most of them, and
a regular Frenchman. Ambition: To run everything. Recreation:
Killing giants, disguising himself as a swan, etc. Address:

JUSTICE, only a mythological character whose statue has been
frequently erected. She had eye trouble. In the United States
J. carried scales with a small statue of politics in one pan,
and money in the other. Her statues in other countries are said
to be different, although occasionally the little statues are
found in the pans.


KAISER, T. H. E., alias Emperor William, "Bill" to his friends;
a German of some prominence, who caused heartfailure in Europe,
considerable comment in England, and much applause in his own
country. Was also a naval constructor. Born of royal parents.
Inherited his father's position. At a tender age he formed a
passion for an army. Like all royal children, he had his own
way. His plaything has grown steadily, is in fine condition,
but is only used for parading and scaring purposes. His later
years were spent in making additions to the fleet, but for what
purpose even the wisest sages could not guess. K. was also
honored by a visit from T. Roosevelt (see the Wonder) on his
exhibition through Europe. It is said he could not learn
anything from his adviser. Heir: The crown prince. Ambition:
His army applied to the socialists. Recreation: Army.
Address: Army. Clubs: Army.

KEELEY, Doctor, water-wagon manufacturer. Claimed fame solely
on account of the invention which prevented men from going home
to a scolding without the assistance of lamp posts. Declared
his cure was as good as gold. Was strongly opposed by John
Barleycorn and his friends. Never cared for New York, London,
or Paris. K.'s end never has been made public. Historians are
endeavoring to ascertain whether he practiced what he preached.
Ambition: Large breweries. Recreation: Getting away from
business. Address: All large cities. Clubs: W. C. T. U.

KHAYYAM, Omar, a fine old Persian who wrote a beautiful and
heartfelt commentary on headache producers. Ambition: More
grapes. Recreation: A flask, books, and a Persian "thou."
Epitaph: He Certainly Practised What He Preached.

KIDD, Captain, the man who spent his life burying the treasure
which several people have been sure they could locate. Was said
to have been one of the finest men who ever scuttled a ship.

KILLER, Jack The Giant, a man who combined his name and

KIPLING, Rudyard, an English writer who has not been knighted.

KNOX, John, of Edinburgh. He was the man who introduced the
kirk into Scotland, but failed to launch the collection plate.

KRUGER, Oom Paul, an Old Dutch cleanser who certainly made
England scrub up.

KUBELIK, Jan, the only violinist who never gave a farewell


LACHAISE, Pere, confessor of Louis XIV for thirty-four years.
He was such an attentive listener and heard so much that the
leading cemetery in Paris was named in his honor.

LAMB, Charles, one of those immortals who forgot his life of
tears to place smiles on paper.

LANGTRY, Mrs., the Sarah Bernhardt of England less considerable
talent. Ambition: Those old time lovers.

LAOCOON, a Trojan priest who suffered with delirium tremens.
Together with his sons he posed for his statue while encumbered
with a bad attack. Address: Vatican, Rome.

LAURIE, Annie, of Maxwelton. The only woman in history who had
a brow like a snowdrift. Also the only good-looking lassie in
Scotland to whom Burns did not write a few poems. L. was
engaged to be married; no record of the ceremony can be found.

LAW, Andres Bonar, a Scotchman who gave up the iron business to
become a mere member of Parliament. Is said to have spoken on
Irish questions. Ambition: (?). Recreation: Travel, except
in the south of Ireland. Address: Parliament. This will
probably hold good for several editions of Who Was Who. Clubs:
Conservative, of course.

LAW,[6] Mother-in-, no relation of the above. A much-abused
ancient whose life and story has been written by malicious
biographers. In reality L. was a kind soul who invited us to
dinner, permitted the gas to be turned down, and always knocked
before she came into the room. Later she wiped the dishes,
took care of her grandchild (see Baby), helped pay the bills,
and told the neighbors what a fine son-in-law she had.
Ambition: Daughter. Recreation: Our house. Address: Our
house most of the time. Clubs: Suffrage.

[6] Ed. Note: The editor will not be held responsible for the
accuracy of the above.

LAWSON, Thomas W., just a squeeler.

LEDA, see mythology books, paintings, and statuary. Also
Jupiter, Castor, and Pollux.

LEE and PERKINS, discoverers of Worcestershire sauce and royal
saucerers to the king.

LEHAR, Frank, the man who assisted the Merry Widow to make her
debut. Also was the press agent for Mr. Maxim, of Paris.
Ambition: To find another widow.

LEONORE, became famous because she had a lover who left her
with a good song.

LEOPOLD, King, of the Congo and Belgium. Has not been dead
long enough for historians to make him famous. Ambition:
Song, women, and wine. Recreation: Wine, women, and song.
Address: Several in Brussels. Epitaph: Quantum Mutatus Ab

LIBERTY, a huge lady who guards New York harbor, and welcomes
Italy and Poland to the United States.

LIMBURGER, of Germany. Manufacturer of a self-advertising

LIPTON, Sir Thomas, a knighted Irishman who advertised tea with
Shamrocks, and one of the men of his race who did not enter
politics or the police force. Ambition: That cup.

LISZT, Frank, a piano player who wore long hair, wrote music,
and played the piano.

LLOYD, the man who will insure anything except the prospects
for the sale of this book.

LORELEI, said to be a beautiful German lady who always hides
herself when the tourist goes down the Rhine.

LOT, Mrs. Lot's husband.

LOT, Mrs., the only woman who had an inquisitiveness which
became practical. She also was considered one of the salt of
the earth.

LOUIS I, 778-840, called the Debonnaire. Introduced cafe's
into France. Put the "is" in Paris.

LOUIS II, 846-879. Introduced chorus girls into France. Patron
of cafe's.

LOUIS III, 882-936. Introduced champagne into France.
Continued the works of his predecessors.

LOUIS IV, 936-954. Introduced high heels. Continued the work
of his predecessors.

LOUIS V, 966-987. Introduced absinthe.

LOUIS VI, 1106-1137. Enlarged the works of his ancestors.
Started pre-tango dancing.

LOUIS VII, 1137-1180. Fought Germany. Inaugurated the French

LOUIS VIII, 1187-1196. Introduced the words "a la" and
dressmakers into Paris.

LOUIS IX, called the saint, 1215-1263. Was a good Louis.
Fought the Turks and was taken prisoner. His subjects thought
7,000,000 francs worth of him. Was awarded his halo for work
in the Crusades. Not a patron of his ancestors. Very
unpopular in Paris.

LOUIS X, 1289-1316. Reopened cafe's. Introduced the taxicab.
Very popular.

LOUIS XI, 1423-1483. Fought England, and died too soon to hear
of the discovery of the United States.

LOUIS XII, 1462-1515. Was king when the United States were

LOUIS XIII, 1601-1643. Permitted Cardinal Richelieu to king for
him. Was a patron of cafe's, champagne, and Paris in general.

LOUIS XIV, called the Grand, 1638-1715. Furniture builder,
salon decorator, wig maker, and constructor. Also assisted
Paris in acquiring her reputation. Built Versailles, the
Louvre, and Napoleon's tomb. He was the man who captured
Alsace-Lorraine from Germany. (See Napoleon III.) Motto: I am
the state. Ambition: Strauss waltzes at Versailles.
Recreation: Dancing and attending to affairs of state.
Address: Versailles.

LOUIS XV, 1710-1774, called a Bird. He lived during the reigns
of Queens Pompadour and Du-Barry.

LOUIS XVI, 1754-1793. A Louis who continued the traditions of
his ancestors, but--. Married Marie Antoinette. Introduced the
turkey trot and the salome dance at Versailles. While his
subjects were starving he ate pate de foies gras. They objected
and carried his White Wigginess to Paris, where he ended his
reign. Ambition: To have been any one of his ancestors, even
No. 9. Recreation: Short walks in the jail yard. Address:
Not permitted to receive letters. Epitaph: Easy Falls The Head
Which Wore A Crown.

LOUIS XVII, 1785-1795. The only Louis who did not live long
enough to have the good times of his ancestors, and the only
Louis for whom the world has a word of sympathy.

LOUIS XVIII, 1775-1824, called the Last. He was the Louis who
got back on the job after the dizziness of the Revolution and
Napoleon had subsided.

LOVER, T. H. E., conqueror of worlds, architect of castles,
lunatic, and saint. Spent early days only in living. In young
manhood he met Her. From that moment all other hers he had
known became lemons. L. was an expert prevaricator. Polished
shoes, dressed neatly, shaved every day, and never ate onions.
Spent evenings at Her house. Detested gas or electric lights.
Was fond of the fireplace and hands. Quarreled occasionally.
Spent salary for theatre tickets, candy, and flowers. Walked
on air. Had a terrible time keeping away from his friends who
wanted him to have a good time. One night Her looked
wonderfully beautiful. L. said some things. He could not keep
quiet. Her blushed, permitted him to sit closer, and then told
L. he was the dearest, sweetest, finest, biggest, noblest,
bravest lovey in the wide, wide world. Later L. secured an
embarrassing interview and visited a jewelry store. Diet:
Poor. Ambition: A mother-in-law. Address: Her home. Clubs:
None. Epitaph: For Men May Come and Men May Go.

LUTHER, Martin, a German who started competition.


McGINTY, a celebrated Irish diver.

McGRAW, John J., Manager of the New York Baseball organization,
frequently used by the Philadelphia Athletics to gain the
world's championship.

MACBETH, Lady, a royal somnambulist.

MACKINTOSH, discoverer of a method of keeping dry outside on a
rainy day.

MAGELLAN, the man who got into straits and straights.

MAN, Sand, an old fellow who visits houses blessed with a
child. Only calls after supper. Tells the little one he has
played enough for the day, and sprinkles some sand in his eyes.
When M. departs the little bundle is asleep in the nursery or
all cuddled up in Mother's lap. Ambition: Sand for the older

MANUEL, King, of England, and late of Portugal. Introduced
Parisian life into Lisbon. Was a very sweet and very wise
young man. Overlooked the fact that a king may rule a nation,
but frequently is a poor press agent. Became incensed at his
army and subjects. Moved in haste. Ambition: Lisbon and a
dancing queen. Recreation: Watch bill-boards. Address: Watch
bill-boards. Clubs: Down and Out. Epitaph: A Manuel And His
Kingdom Are Soon Parted.

MARAT, one of the fathers of the French Revolution, who could
rule a city, but not a woman.

MARCEL, Madame, of France. Discovered a good excuse for women
to gaze in mirrors. Also caused heartfailure on a rainy day.

MARCONI, Guglielmo, the man who made the inventors of telegraph
poles and wires look foolish. His inventions have made it
possible for New York stock brokers to continue their business
while journeying to Paris.

MARINER, A., traveler, albatross raiser. Gathered fame by
making a voyage with some dead ones. His feat has frequently
been duplicated on liners out of the regular tourist season.

MARK, Saint, of Venice. Guarded the pigeons of his square and
the tourist who dwelt within his canals.

MARTINI, manufacturer of an American before-dinner drink which
tastes too good.

MARY, a young girl who was presented with a famous lamb. Seldom
was seen without the animal. Conveyed it to school with her
one day, thus causing considerable mirth among the pupils. Was
severely reprimanded by the teacher, as it was against the
regulations of the institution to permit animals, other than
the children, in the class-rooms. M. returned the lamb to the
stable. Her biography has been extensively published.

MATERLINCK, a Belgian who believed the best way to get "copy"
about himself into the newspapers was to try to keep it out.
Recreation: Bluebird raising.

MAXIM, patron saint of the American-English tourist in Paris,
who introduced New York prices into a naughty cafe. When a
young man he discovered that the tourists were not paying
enough money to see the sights. With the assistance of some
handsomely gowned women he opened a cafe on the Rue Royal where
they could. For years it was patronized by his countrymen
until they were ruined. Later only royalty and tourists were
permitted to enter and form a mistaken idea of the real French
cafe, pay double prices for everything, see a few chorus girls,
hear champagne bottles, and talk to English-speaking waiters.
Ambition: Americans. Recreation: Staying at home. Press
Agent: The Merry Widow and the Girl from Maxims. Epitaph:
Honi Soit Qui Mal y Pense.

MAXIM, no relation of the above, as he only manufactured things
to kill people, and not to financially ruin them.

MEDICI, Katie, an Italian French woman whose past was uncovered
by those historians. Was fond of poison, but did not care for
Methodists or Presbyterians.

MEDUSA, a celebrated ancient who had the delirium tremens in an

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