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Vol. II. No. 28.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 8, 1870.
PUBLISHED BY THE
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THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD,
By ORPHEUS C. KERR,
Continued in this Number.
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* * * * *
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.
BENTHAM TO THE RESCUE.
European travellers in this country--especially if one economical
condition of their coming hither has not been the composition of works
of imagination on America, sufficiently contemptuous to pay all the
expenses of the trip--have, occasionally--and particularly if they have
been invited to write for New York magazines, take professorships in
native colleges, or lecture on the encouraging Continental progress of
scientific atheism before Boston audiences;--such travellers, we say,
convinced that they shall lose no money by it, but, on the contrary,
rather sanguine of making a little thereby in the long run, have
occasionally remarked, that, in the United States, women journeying
alone are treated with a chivalric courtesy and deference not so
habitually practiced in any other second-class new nation on the face of
What, oh, what can be more true than this? A lady well stricken in
years, and of adequate protraction of nose and rectilinear undeviation
of figure, can travel alone from Maine to Florida with as perfect
immunity from offensive masculine intrusion as though she were guarded
by a regiment; while a somewhat younger girl, with curls and an innocent
look, can not appear unaccompanied by an escort in an American omnibus,
car, ferry-boat, or hotel, without appealing at once to the finest
fatherly feelings of every manly middle-aged observer whose wife is not
watching him, and exciting as general a desire to make her trip socially
delightful as though each gentlemanly eye seeking hers were indeed that
of a tender sire.
Thus, although Miss POTTS'S lonely stay in her hotel had been so brief,
the mysterious American instinct of chivalry had discovered it very
early on the first morning after her arrival, and she arose from her
delicious sleep to find at least half a dozen written offers of
hospitality from generous strangers, sticking under her door.
Understanding that she was sojourning without natural protectors in a
strange city, the thoughtful writers, who appeared to be chiefly Western
men of implied immense fortunes, begged her (by the delicate name of
"Fair Unknown") to take comfort in the thought that they were stopping
at the same hotel and would protect her from all harm with their lives.
In proof of this unselfish disposition on their parts, several of them
were respectively ready to take her to a circus-matinee, or to drive in
Central Park, on that very day: and her prompt acceptance of these
signal evidences of a disinterested friendship for womanhood without a
natural protector could not be more simply indicated to those who now
freely offered such friendship, than by her dropping her fork _twice_ at
the public breakfast table, or sending the waiter back _three_ times
with the boiled eggs to have them cooked rightly.
FLORA had completed her chemical toilet, put all the bottles, jars, and
small round boxes back into her satchel again, and sat down to a second
reading of these gratifying intimations that a prepossessing female
orphan is not necessarily without assiduous paternal guardianship at her
command wherever there are Western fathers, when Mr. DIBBLE appeared, as
he had promised, accompanied by Gospeler SIMPSON.
"Miss CAROWTHERS was so excited by your sudden flight, Miss POTTS," said
the latter, "that she came at once to me and OLDY with your farewell
note, and would not stop saying 'Did you ever!' until, to restrain my
aggravated mother from fits, I promised to follow you to your guardian's
and ascertain what your good-bye note would have meant if it had
actually been punctuated."
"Our reverend friend reached me about an hour ago," added Mr. DIBBLE,
"saying, that a farewell note without a comma, colon, semi-colon, or
period in it, and with every other word beginning with a capital, and
underscored, was calculated to drive friends to distraction. I took the
liberty of reminding him, my dear, that young girls from boarding-school
should hardly be expected to have advanced as far as English composition
in their French and musical studies; and I also related to him what you
had told me of Mr. BUMSTEAD."
"And I don't know that, under the circumstances, you could do a better
thing than you have done," continued the Gospeler. "Mr. BUMSTEAD,
himself, explains your flight upon the supposition that you were
possibly engaged with myself, my mother, Mr. DIBBLE, and the PENDRAGONS,
in killing poor Mr. DROOD."
"Oh, oughtn't he to be ashamed of himself, when he knows that I never
did kill any absurd creature!" cried the Flowerpot, in earnest
deprecation. "And just think of darling MAGNOLIA, too, with her poor,
ridiculous brother! You're a lawyer, Mr. DIBBLE and I should think you
could get them a _habeas corpus_, or a divorce, or some other perfectly
absurd thing about courts, that would make the judges tell the juries to
bring them in Not Guilty."
Fixing upon the lovely young reasoner a look expressive of his
affectionate wonder at her inspired perception of legal possibilities,
the old lawyer said, that the first thing in order was a meeting between
herself and Miss PENDRAGON; which, as it could scarcely take place (all
things considered,) with propriety in the private room of that lady's
brother, nor without publicity in his own office, or in a hotel, he
hardly knew how to bring about.
And here we have an example of that difference between novels and real
life which has been illustrated more than once before in this
conscientious American Adaptation of what all our profoundly critical
native journals pronounce the "most elaborately artistic work" of the
grandest of English novelists. In an equivalent situation of real life,
Mr. DIBBLE'S quandary would not have been easily relieved; but, by the
magic of artistic fiction, the particular kind of extemporized character
absolutely necessary to help him and the novel continuously along was at
that moment coming up the stairs of the hotel.
At the critical instant, a servant knocked, to say, that there was a
gentleman below, "with a face as long me arrum, sir, who axed me was
there a man here av the name av SIMPSON, Miss?"
"It is JOHN--it is Mr. BUMSTEAD!" shrieked FLORA, hastening
involuntarily towards a mirror,--"and just see how my dress is
"My name is BENTHAM--JEREMY BENTHAM," said a deep voice in the doorway;
and there entered a gloomy figure, with smoky, light hair, a curiously
long countenance, and black worsted gloves. "SIMPSON!--old
OCTAVIUS!--did you never, never see me before?"
"If I am not greatly mistaken," returned the Gospeler, sternly. "I saw
you standing in the bar-room of the hotel, just now, as we came up."
"Yes," sighed the stranger, "I was there--waiting for a Western
friend--when you passed in. And has sorrow, then, so changed me, that
you do not know me? Alas! alack! woe's me!"
"BENTHAM, you say?" cried the Ritualistic clergyman, with a start, and
sudden change of countenance. "Surely you're not the rollicking
fellow-student who saved my life at Yale?"
"I am! I am!" sobbed the other, smiting his bosom. "While studying
theology, you'd gone to sleep in bed reading the Decameron. I, in the
next room, suddenly smelt a smell of wood burning. Breaking into your
apartment, I saw your candle fallen upon your pillow and your head on
fire. Believing that, if neglected, the flames would spread to some
vital part, I seized a water-pitcher and dashed the contents upon you.
Up you instantly sprang, with a theological expression on your lips, and
engaged me in violent single combat. "Madman!" roared I, "is it thus you
treat one who has saved your life?" Falling upon the floor, with a black
eye, you at once consented to be reconciled; and, from that hour forth,
we were both members of the same secret society."
Leaping forward, the Reverend OCTAVIUS wrung both the black worsted
gloves of Mr. BENTHAM, and introduced the latter to the old lawyer and
"He did indeed save all but my head from the conflagration, and
extinguished that, even, before it was much charred," cried the grateful
Ritualist, with marked emotion.--"But, JEREMY, why this aspect of
"OCTAVIUS, old friend," said BENTHAM, his hollow voice quivering, "let
no man boast himself upon the gaiety of his youth, and fondly
dream--poor self-deceiver!--that his maturity may be one of revelry. You
know what I once was. Now I am conducting a first-class American Comic
Commiseration, earnest and unaffected, appeared upon every countenance,
and Mr. DIBBLE was the first to break the ensuing deep silence.
"If I am not mistaken, then," observed the good lawyer, quietly, "the
scene of your daily loss of spirits is in the same building with our
young friend, Mr. PENDRAGON, whom you may know."
"I do know him, sir; and that his sister has lately come unto him. His
room, by means of outside shutters, was once a refuge to me from the
Man"--Here Mr. BENTHAM'S face flamed with inconceivable hatred--"who
came to tell me just how an American first-class Comic Paper _should_ be
"At what time does your rush of subscribers cease?"
"As soon as I begin to charge anything for my paper."
"And the newsmen, who take it by the week,--what is their usual time for
swarming in your office?"
"On the day appointed for the return of unsold copies."
"Then I _have_ an idea," said Mr. DIBBLE. "It appears to me, Mr.
BENTHAM, that your office, besides being so near Mr. PENDRAGON'S
quarters, furnishes all the conditions for a perfectly private
confidential interview between this young lady here, and her friend,
Miss PENDRAGON. Mr. SIMPSON, if you approve, be kind enough to acquaint
Mr. BENTHAM with Miss POTTS'S history, without mentioning names; and
explain to him, also, why the ladies' interview should take place in a
spot whither that singular young man, Mr. BUMSTEAD, would not be likely
to prowl, if in town, in his inspection of umbrellas."
The Gospeler hurriedly related the material points of FLORA'S history to
his recovered friend, who moaned with all the more cheerful parts, and
seemed to think that the serious ones might be worked-up in comic
miss-spelling for his paper.--"For there is nothing more humorous in
human life," said he, gloomily, "than the defective orthography of a
fashionable young girl's education for the solemnity of matrimony."
Finally, they all set off for the appointed place of retirement, upon
nearing which Mr. DIBBLE volunteered to remain outside as a guard
against any possible interruption. The Gospeler led the way up the dark
stairs of the building, when they had gained it; and the Flowerpot,
following, on JEREMY BENTHAM'S arm, could not help glancing shyly up
into the melancholy face of her escort, occasionally. "Do you _never_
smile?" she could not help asking.
"Yes," he said, mournfully, "sometimes: when I clean my teeth."
No more was said; for they were entering the room of which the tone and
atmosphere were those of a receiving-vault.
[Footnote 1: Shades of QUINTILIAN and Dr. JOHNSON, what a
[Footnote 2: Quite
independently of any specific design to that end by the Adapter, this
Adaptation, carefully following the original English narrative as it
does, can not avoid acting as a kind of practical--and, of course,
somewhat exaggerative--commentary upon what is strained, forced, or out
of the line of average probabilities, in the work Adapted.]
A CONFUSED STATE OF THINGS.
The principal office of the Comic Paper was one of those amazingly
unsympathetic rooms in which the walls, windows and doors all have a
stiff, unsalient aspect of the most hard-finished indifference to every
emotion of humanity, and a perfectly rigid insensibility to the
pleasures or pains of the tenants within their impassive shelter. In the
whole configuration of the heartless, uncharacterized place there was
not one gracious inequality to lean against; not a ledge to rest elbow
upon; not a panel, not even a stove-pipe hole, to become dearly familiar
to the wistful eye; not so much as a genial crack in the plastering, or
a companionable rattle in a casement, or a little human obstinacy in a
door to base some kind of an acquaintance upon and make one less lonely.
Through the grim, untwinkling windows, gaping sullenly the wrong way
with iron shutters, came a discouraged light, strained through the
narrow intervals of the dusty roofs above, to discover a large
coffin-colored desk surmounted by ghastly busts of HERVEY, KEBLE and
BLAIR; a smaller desk, over which hung a picture of the Tomb of
WASHINGTON, and at which sat a pallid assistant-editor in deep mourning,
opening the comic contributions received by last mail; a still smaller
desk, for the nominal writer of subscription-wrappers; files of the
_Evangelist_, _Observer_ and _Christian Union_ hanging along the wall; a
dead carpet of churchyard-green on the floor; and a print of Mr. PARKE
GODWIN just above the mantel of momumental marble.
Upon finding themselves in this temple of Momus, and observing that its
peculiar arrangement of sunshine made their complexions look as though
they had been dead a few days, Gospeler SIMPSON and the Flowerpot
involuntarily spoke in whispers behind their hands.
"Does that room belong to your establishment, also, BENTHAM?" whispered
the Gospeler, pointing rather fearfully, as he spoke, towards a
side-door leading apparently into an adjoining' apartment.
"Yes," was the low response.
"Is there--is there anybody dead in there?" whispered Mr. SIMPSON,
"Then," whispered the Ritualistic clergyman, "you might step in there,
Miss POTTS, and have your interview with Miss PENDRAGON, whom Mr.
BENTHAM will, I am sure, cause to be summoned from up-stairs."
The assistant-editor of the Comic Paper stealing softly from the office
to call the other young lady down, Mr. JEREMY BENTHAM made a sign that
FLORA should follow him to the supplementary room indicated; his
low-spirited manner being as though he had said: "If you wish to look at
the body, miss, I will now show you the way."
Leaving the Gospeler lost in dark abstraction near the black mantel, the
Flowerpot allowed the sexton of the establishment to conduct her
funereally into the place assigned for her interview, and stopped aghast
before a huge black object standing therein.
"What's this?" she gasped, almost hysterically.
"Only a safe," said Mr. BENTHAM, with inexplicable bitterness of tone.
"Merely our fire-and-burglar-proof receptacle for the money constantly
pouring in from first-class American Comic journalism."--Here Mr.
BENTHAM slapped his forehead passionately, checked something like a sob
in his throat, and abruptly returned to the main office.
Scarcely, however, had he closed the door of communication behind him,
when another door, opening from the hall, was noiselessly unlatched, and
MAGNOLIA PENDRAGON glided into the arms of her friend.
"FLORA!" murmured the Southern girl, "I can scarcely credit my eyes! It
seems so long since we last met! You've been getting a new bonnet, I
"It's like an absurd dream!" responded the Flowerpot, wonderingly
caressing her. "I've thought of you and your poor, ridiculous brother
twenty times a day. How much you must have gone through here! Are they
wearing skirts full, or scant, this season?"
"About medium, dear. But how do you happen to be here, in Mr. BENTHAM'S
In answer to this question, FLORA related all that bad happened at
Bumsteadville and since her flight from thence; concluding by warning
MAGNOLIA, that her possession of a black alpaca waist, slightly worn,
had subjected her to the ominous suspicion of the Ritualistic organist.
"I scorn and defy the suspicions of that enemy of the persecuted South,
and high-handed wooer of exclusively Northern women!" exclaimed Miss
PENDRAGON, vehemently. "Is this Mr. BENTHAM married?"
"I suppose not."
"Is he visiting any one?"
"I shouldn't think so, dear."
"Then," added MAGNOLIA, thoughtfully, "if dear Mr. DIBBLE approves, he
might be a friend to MONTGOMERY and myself; and, by being so near us,
protect us both from Mr. BUMSTEAD. Just think, dear FLORA, what heaps of
sorrow I should endure, if that base man's suspicion about my alpaca
waist should be only a pretence, to frighten me into ultimately
receiving his addresses."
"I don't think there's any danger, love," said Miss POTTS, rather
"Why, FLORA precious?"
"Oh, because he's so absurdly fastidious, you know, about regularity of
features in women."
"More than he is about brains, I should think, dear, from what you tell
me of his making love to you."
Here both young ladies trembled very much, and said they never, never
would have believed it of each other; and were only reconciled when
FLORA sobbed that she was a poor unmarried orphan, and Miss PENDRAGON
moaned piteously that an unwedded Southern girl without money had better
go away somewhere in the desert, with her crushed brother, and die at
once for their down-trodden section. Then, indeed, they embraced
tearfully; and, in proof of the perfect restoration of their devoted
friendship, agreed never to marry if they could avoid it, and told each
other the prices of all their best clothes.
"You _won't_ tell your brother that I've been here?" said the
Flowerpot. "I'm so absurdly afraid that he can't help blaming me for
causing some of his trouble."
"Can't I tell him, even if it would serve to amuse him in his
desolation?" asked the sister, persuasively. "I want to see him smile
again, just as he does some days when a hand-organ-man's monkey climbs
up to our windows from the street."
"Well, you _may_ tell him, then, you absurd thing!" returned FLORA,
blushing; and, with another embrace, they parted, and the deeply
momentous interview was over.
(_To be Continued._)
[Footnote 3: Author of "The Grave."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: ROMANCE AND REALITY.
IN THE LIBRARY.
_Jones, (reading.)_ "THE GLASS OF FASHION AND THE MOULD OF FORM, THE
OBSERVED OF ALL OBSERVERS."
_Jenkins, (with enthusiasm.)_ "PERFECT DESCRIPTION OF MY WIFE!"
IN THE GARDEN.
THIS IS MRS. JENKINS, IN HER MORNING TOILETTE.]
* * * * *
BY ICHABOD BOGGS,
THE NEW AMERICAN POET.
PREFATORY NOTE.--The reader is requested to judge the following
production mildly, as it is the first effort of a youthful genius (16
years old in looks and feeling, 42 by the family bible and census.) The
author has felt that America should have a new kind of verse of its own,
and he thinks he here offers one which has never been used by any other
mortal poet. It is called the duodekameter. Perhaps it may be proper to
add that the following is _poetry_.
You see everybody in our town was running around, getting fat jobs
and positions, and picking up a million dollars or so,
So I felt it incumbent on me
To shake myself up, and see if there wasn't a good butter firkin, well
filled, loafing around idle, in which could conveniently locate my
centre of gravity, and so I said to myself, I'll go
To Washington and see,
Says ICHABOD BOGGS, says I.
Now, don't you see, you might just as well ask for a big position at
first, and then take what you can get,
At least that has been my rule so far,
For, as I says to myself, if you can only get a very high position, with
a sort of nabob's salary, and lots of perquisites running in
annually, you needn't do anything, you bet,
But puff at your cigar,
Says ICHABOD BOGGS, says I.
So I put on my best clothes, and a sort of a big blue necktie,
and shortly thereafter showed myself to Mr. GRANT,
And said that there had been quite enough
Of this giving away big offices to people who hadn't big reputations,
and that he had other fish to fry, and that, as he wouldn't give the
Custom House to my son, I'd take it myself, and then I stopped,
and he looked, "I shan't,"
But all he said was--puff,
Says General GRANT, says he.
Then all the smoke got in my nose, and I sneezed and snorted a bit,
and then I just simply remarked and said
That he needn't go and get into a huff,
And if he didn't like to give me that office, couldn't he make me
Minister to England, as I was a big feeder, or if that didn't suit,
why, if he'd do it, I wouldn't object to being Minister to Cuba,
when the Cubans had been all killed, and were thoroughly dead?
But all be said was--puff,
Says General GRANT, says he.
Well, then I got kind of discouraged, but I thought that I'd better try
again, and not get up so far,
But ask for what he'd give beyond doubt,
So I asked for a position as night watchman at the Navy Yard, and
thought I'd get it, and he'd answer my request, for I'd noticed that
his Havana was gradually growing smaller, and he did answer me,
just as he'd thrown away the end of his cigar,
He simply said, "Get out!"
Says General GRANT, says he.
So I got out, as fast as a pair of legs, with a number twelve boot
kicking at the place where they're joined, would permit,
And wandered off, just about as far
As I conveniently could, and then I sat down on a milestone and raised
my voice to Heaven, and cried aloud, that, weather permitting,
General GRANT should never, _never_, NEVER, go back to the White
House, not if I could help it,
To puff on his cigar,
Said ICHABOD BOGGS, said I.
[Footnote 4: We hope none of our readers will labor under the impression
that we look upon the above effusion as a poetical one, but, in this day
of many isms, it may happen that the above style may become prevalent,
and we think it our duty to present everything that is new. EDS.]
* * * * *
2.02 TO HARNESS.
Mr. Punchinello on the Turf.
History relates that the era of Horse-racing commenced about the year
680 B. C., but it was some time after that when Mr. PUNCHINELLO made his
_debut_ as a candidate for the honors of the turf. To put the matter
more concisely, it is just six days since he drove his horse "Creeping
Peter" on the track at Monmouth Park, Long Branch. The only object which
Mr. P. had in view, when he purchased his celebrated trotter and put him
into training, was the improvement of the breed of American horses.
While our BONNERS, VANDERBILTS and GRANTS are devoting all their
surplus time and means to this great end, Mr. P., in placing the name of
his yellow horse in the hands of the poolseller, would scorn to have a
less noble aim.
But this great object need not interfere with others of less importance,
and therefore Mr. P. will not deny that, after having exhibited to his
friends and the sporting fraternity in general, his little investment in
fancy horseflesh, he made up a very satisfactory betting-book.
Now Mr. P. believed,--and events proved him to be correct,--that when
his friends and the sporting fraternity saw his horse, they would bet
heavily against him. Mr. P., however, in all the pride of amateur
ownership, bet quite as heavily _upon_ his noble steed. His friends and
the above-mentioned fraternity chuckled and winked behind his back, but
although Mr. P. heard them chuckle and knew that they were winking, his
belief in his final success never wavered. Any ordinary observer might
be expected to remark that Creeping Peter was not entirely without
blemish. Besides being spavined and having three of his hoofs injured by
sand-crack, he had poll-evil, fistulas, malanders, ring-bone, capped
hock, curb, splint, and several other maladies which made him a very
suitable horse for the general public to bet against.
But Mr. P.'s courage never quailed!
When he made his appearance on the track (for he drove his horse
himself) he was the object of general attention. The following view
(from a photograph by ROCKWOOD) gives an excellent idea of the horse and
Nearly everybody on the ground advised Mr. P. to leave his cloth in the
stable, for it would certainly interfere with the speed of his horse and
probably get wrapped up in the wheels and cause an accident. But Mr. P.
would listen to nothing of the sort. He told everybody that he wasn't
going to catch cold in his knees, even if he lost the race, and that he
was perfectly willing to run the risk of accidents.
For the benefit of his readers, however, Mr. P. will lift up this
heavily shotted lap-cloth and show what was under it.
Here is arranged a steam-engine, which drives the wheels of the vehicle,
and which will of course propel the whole turnout, horse and all, at a
great rate of speed.
It will now be easily perceived why Mr. P. persisted in keeping his
lap-cloth over his knees.
The entries were as follows:
ROBERT BONNER'S b. h. Dexter.
DEREN O. SUE'S b. m. Lady Thorn.
PUNCHINELLO'S y. h. Creeping Peter.
When the word was given, the horses all got off well and Dexter
immediately took the lead,--buzzing through the air like a
humming-top,--followed closely by Lady Thorn, her nose just lapping his
off jaw. For the first few seconds Mr. P. fell behind, owing to his
fires not yet being properly under way, but the water soon bubbled
merrily in his boiler, and his wheels began to revolve with great
rapidity. And now he sped merrily. Never did the war trumpet inspire the
fiery charger, or hounds and horn excite the mettled hunter, as the
steam-engine in his rear woke all the energies of Creeping Peter.
Swift as revolving pin-wheels or rapid peg-top, those spavins, those
ring-bones, those bulbous hocks, those sand-cracked hoofs and those
rattling ribs went whistling o'er the track. Mid the shouts and yells of
the excited multitude he passed Lady Thorn, overtook Dexter and shot
ahead of him! But he cannot stand that tremendous pace, and down goes
Creeping Peter on his knees. Every man who had bet against him set up a
howl of rapture, but Mr. P. never relaxed a muscle, and on went Creeping
Peter, just as fast as ever, his horny bones dashing away the sand and
gravel like spray from the cut-water of a scudding yacht, and, amid the
wildest clamor, he shot past the judges' stand on his nose and one leg,
making his mile in two minutes and two seconds!
It is needless to dwell upon the results of this race.
Mr. P. now owes no man anything, nor is he even indebted to his noble
steed. Behold his testimony to the merits of that valuable animal!
* * * * *
Something Original In Suicide.
An item in an evening paper states that "a man near Syracuse recently
cut his throat with a scythe."
Well, certainly this was a new Mowed of doing the business, although, as
it was the first instance of the kind on record, it cannot properly be
said that the business was done _a la mowed_.
* * * * *
Jocular and Ocular.
Can the public be properly said to have looked forward to SEEBACH?
* * * * *
One bright October morning in the year 1828, a lone lorn woman by the
name of GUMMIDGE might have been seen standing at the corner of a
wheat-field where two cross-roads met and embraced. She was weeping
violently. Ever and anon she would raise her head and gaze mysteriously
in the direction of a cloud of dust which moved slowly over the hill
toward the town. Her name was FATIMA. FATIMA GUMMIDGE. "Sister ANNIE,"
she cried, "what do you see?" But sister ANNIE was far away. She was not
there. She was attending an agricultural fair in the beautiful young
state of Kansas.
Thus gracefully do we introduce our heroine upon the scene. The reader
will be able to judge, from this, whether we are familiar with the
literature of our day, or not. He will be able to form a complimentary
opinion of our culture. He will perceive that we are acquainted with the
writings of Messrs. JAMES, and DICKENS, and BLUEBEARD. There is nothing
like impressing your reader with an adequate sense of your ability for
laborious research, when you are doing biography for a high-toned
At what period in her career our illustrious victim applied to the
Legislature to change her name from GUMMIDGE to DICKINSON, we are unable
to discover. There is no record of the event in the musty tomes we have
waded through at the Astor Library in search of reliable data. One thing
must be apparent, even to the most violently prejudiced and brutish
bigot--namely, that Miss DICKINSON no longer confesses to the name of
GUMMIDGE. However disrespectful this may be to the memory of Mrs.
GUMMIDGE'S father--but on reflection is it not possible that Mrs.
GUMMIDGE'S maiden name was DICKINSON? There may be something in this.
Let us see. Mrs. GUMMIDGE was born of the brain of Mr. C. DICKENS. Mr.
DICKENS may be said to be the father of the whole GUMMIDGE family. This,
of course, includes GUMMIDGE _pere_. GUMMIDGE _pere_ was therefore
DICKENS' son. Hence the name of DICKENSON. Very good, so far. Now--
But it is unnecessary to press the argument. If the prejudiced bigot is
not yet convinced, nothing would convince him short of a horse-whipping.
The poet, when he wrote "Thou wilt come no more, gentle ANNIE," was
clearly laboring under a mistake. If he had written "Thou wilt be sure
to come again next season, gentle ANNIE," he would have hit it. Lecture
committees know this. Miss DICKINSON earns her living by lecturing.
Occasionally she takes a turn at scrubbing pavements, or going to hear
WENDELL PHILLIPS on "The Lost Arts," or other violent exertion, but her
best hold is lecturing. She has followed the business ever since she was
a girl, and twenty-four (24) years of steady application have made her
no longer a Timid Young Thing. She is not afraid of audiences any more.
It is a favorite recreation of the moral boot-blacks and pious newsboys
of New York to gather in the evening on the steps of Mr. FROTHINGHAM'S
church, and scare each other with thrilling stories of the gentle
ANNIE'S fierce exploits and deeds of daring. Among the best
authenticated of these (stripped of the ornate figures of speech with
which the pious newsboys are wont to embellish the simple facts) are the
1. In the memorable canvass of 1848, Miss DICKINSON stumped the mining
districts of Pennsylvania for FRED DOUGLASS, and was shot at by the
infuriated miners forty-two times, the bullets whistling through her
back hair to that extent that her chignon looked like a section of
suction-hose when the campaign was over.
2. Near the close of the rebellion, Miss DICKINSON wrote to JEFF DAVIS
that she was going to raise a regiment and go for him. Peace followed
3. In the year 1867 she published a book.
4. In the year 1868 she went to California overland, by railroad, alone.
5. In the year 1869 she attended a lecture by OLIVE LOGAN, and further
showed her fearless nature by embracing Miss LOGAN tempestuously, and
offering to marry her.
6. At various times during her career she has received and successfully
done battle with 14,624 proposals of marriage, 14,600 of which were made
to her _in the city of Chicago!!!_
These evidences of her courage are sufficient to show what she is equal
to, under any emergency. We are now waiting to hear of a seventh act of
bravery on her part which will distance all the above; when she shall
have announced that she is prepared to lecture on "CHARLES DICKENS" she
will have given the last convincing proof that she is equal to
(Should Mr. PUNCHINELLO object that this biographical sketch is
desultory and "wandering," let him try, himself, to write the biography
of a lady who is incessantly and frantically roaming from one end of the
country to the other, and if he don't wander it will be a wonder.)
* * * * *
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!--HEIRS WANTED!
NEW YORK, Oct. 1, 1870.
We, the undersigned, as representatives of the family of the decedent,
hereby call upon all heirs of the late RICHARD COEUR DE LION, who may be
residing in or near this locality, to meet at the Astor House, in New
York, on the fifteenth of this present month of October, to take
measures for the recovery of such portion of the estate of said LION as
is known to have legally descended to his heirs in this country. This
property, to which it will be easy to prove that we, the undersigned,
together with the other members of our family, are the lineal heirs, is
believed to consist mainly of the two hundred thousand byzants assured
to the said LION by SALADIN after the capitulation of Acre. This sum,
which we have reason to believe was duly paid by said SALADIN at the
time appointed, when reduced from golden byzants into greenbacks, and
compound-interest at seven _per centum_ for the term of six hundred and
seventy-nine years calculated thereupon, will be found to amount to
upwards of one hundred and seventy thousand million dollars. When the
ransom money of twenty-five hundred Saracens, slain by said LION to
enforce the speedy payment of the principal of this sum by the said
SALADIN, shall have been deducted and paid to such heirs and survivors
of said Saracens as may immediately present their claims, the remainder
will be divided, (as soon as the necessary legal measures shall be
taken,) among the heirs and descendants of said LION in this country.
The immediate object of the meeting, which is now called by the
undersigned, is the collection of sufficient funds from said heirs and
descendants to defray the expenses of a committee (composed of the
undersigned) who shall be charged with the duty of visiting England,
Normandy and Palestine, and obtaining such evidence and such copies of
record in relation to this portion of the estate of the said LION, as
shall make necessary a speedy and equitable division of paid property
among the members of the family in this country.
Lineal heirs who may not be able to attend this meeting in person will
have their interests taken in charge by the undersigned, on the receipt
of twenty-five dollars, which will be due from each heir as the primary
instalment on account of necessary expenses.
Punctual attention to this notice is requested.
L. J. O'LYNN,
Rev. THOS. DICK,
DICK E. DICKQUE DOUT.
* * * * *
RECOGNITION OF NILSSON.
Not that we mean to "patronize," fair Swede;
No, no, indeed!
'Tis homage, honest homage that we bring;
For you can sing!
Pray, do not think we build you any throne
On _skill_ alone;
There's nothing regal in a music box--
In simple _vox_!
But when an ardent spirit warms the strain--
When it is plain
The artist feels the passion of the scene--
She's then our Queen!
But, dear CHRISTINA! we should still declare
The Fates unfair,
Unless she lived as chastely as the rose;
As NILSSON does!
Still, still we hesitate!--We will confess,
(For _you'd_ not guess!)
We'd have her--that the likeness be complete--
Young, fair, and sweet!
In fine, (and now we'll tell you everything,)
If she can sing,
And act, and feel, and look, and _be_ like you,
Why, that will do!
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE YOUNG DEMOC-RATS, ENCOURAGED BY THE OLD RAT DANA,
COME TO GRIEF IN TRYING TO PUT OUT THE HOFFMAN LIGHT.]
* * * * *
A New Pierian Spring.
The Principal of the "Student's Home," at V------, N.Y., advertising
the advantages of his school, makes the following telling appeal, which
we should think would be hard to resist by such as find study interfere
"COME TO V------. Its Mineral Water strengthens the body, and its
Seminary the mind."
The hope of eventually leaving those classic shades in such a state of
two-fold invigoration, should prove inspiring to the dyspeptic and
Whether this constant cramming of the mind and purging of the body be
the true secret of longevity as well as of scholarship, we know not; we
should judge, however, from the appearance and conversation of students
in general, that a system directly the reverse of the above mentioned
process would be more certain of turning out the real article.
* * * * *
Nor only is everybody's attention directed towards Paris, but the
English Sparrows appear to be gradually Worming themselves into public
estimation. They have been picking away so vigorously, since they were
brought over here, that some of them are now able to pick their way
across Broadway, in the muddiest weather. In course of time, we suppose
the worms will disappear, and then, when these poor birds have nothing
else to pick, they will go out to pic-nics. Come, arouse then, friends
of the sparrow! Fetch out your bread and your grain, and fear not that
these little twitterers will ever over-burden the city.
* * * * *
A Gourd of Honor(!)
The latest, and most important news from Spain is that SICKLES has been
furnished with a guard by the government.
Some things are managed better in Spain than in this country. SICKLES
should have been placed under guard, here, many a year ago, to keep him
out of mischief.
* * * * *
The following telegraphic item is a remarkable instance of the exactness
with which news can be transmitted by the submarine cable:
"LONDON, September 16. Mr. CHARLES REED, member of Parliament for
Hackney, to-day unveiled the monument to ALEXANDER DEFOE, at Bunhill
Fields. The monument in practically one to ROBINSON CRUSOE."
With the triffing exception of calling ROBINSON DEFOE ALEXANDER DEFOE,
(and that is a pardonable error, considering that ALEXANDER SELKIRK was
the prototype of DANIEL CRUSOE,) the above item is perfectly
satisfactory. All the more so, if one pays attention to the date, and
remembers that September 16 fell upon a FRIDAY.
* * * * *
BY TELEGRAPH FROM VARIOUS PARTS OF THE WORLD.
[Special Correspondence of Punchinello.]
BERLIN, October 15.--In a conversation with King WILLIAM, yesterday, he
said that he relied upon the growing taste in Hoboken for Bavarian beer
to destroy the sympathy of the United States with the French Republic.
METZ, October 12.--While examining the fortifications to-day with
BISMARCK, I lent him my cigar-holder, and he told me that Prussia would
refuse to entertain any propositions tending to peace until the
Schleswig-Holstein question was definitely settled.
STRASBOURG, October 14--Among the priceless volumes destroyed in the
library here, was a full set of ABBOTT'S NAPOLEON histories. They were
all presentation copies from the author, with autograph inscriptions.
The regret expressed at their destruction is deep-felt and universal.
WINDSOR, Oct. 16th.--I came up to-day with VICTORIA from Balmoral. She
was engaged during most of the trip in reading HORACE GREELEY'S "What I
Know About Farming," with which she is much delighted. She said she
thought the satire was finer than SWIFT'S, and wondered the people did
not insist upon GREELEY'S being Governor.
ROME, Oct. 15.--Talking this morning with the Pope, who took breakfast
with me, His Holiness said he had accepted JAMES GORDON BENNETT'S
invitation to come to Washington Heights on a visit, and wanted to know
whether I thought he would be expected to wear his tiara during meals. I
told him that I thought it would not be obligatory.
DUBLIN, Oct. 16.--The Irish Republic was to-day proclaimed at Cork, with
GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN as Emperor. The Fenians say they would prefer a
PARIS, Oct. 15.--General CLUSERET assured me to-day that though Minister
WASHBURNE speaks French better than a native, yet he has not entirely
forgotten what little English he used to know, and further, that he is
confident it is not that gentleman's intention to make himself Dictator
of France by a _coup d' etat_.
LONG BRANCH, Oct. 22--While smoking to-day with GRANT, I asked him what
he thought of the European complication, and he answered with a most
* * * * *
[Illustration: STAYING THE MARCH.
_Liberty._ "HALT!" ]
* * * * *
HIRAM GREEN IN GOTHAM.
The venerable "Lait Gustise" sees the Sights, under Perplexing
The native borned Gothamite mite have notissed, a short time since, a
venerable lookin' ex-Statesman, dressed in a becomin' soot of clothes
and a slick lookin' white hat.
The a-four-said honest old man carried a bloo cotton umbreller in one
hand, and an acksminister carpet bag in t'other. He had jest arroven to
the meetropolis on a North River steambote. The reader has probly gessed
by this time, that the man in question was the subscriber.
If he hasen't so surmised, I would inform him that it was. Jess so.
Arrivin' at a well-known tavern, where hash is provided for man and
beast, I handed my carpet bag over the counter.
The clerk at the offis put on rather more airs than a Revenoo offiser.
In fact, he was so full of airs I got a vilent cold standin' in his
"Shan't I take that anshient circus tent?" said he, pintin' to my
umbreller, "and lock it up in the safe?"
I made no reply to this onmanerly interogetory, but strikin' an attitude
of pain, give him one of those gazes which BEN BUTLER allers makes tell,
in tryin' criminal cases.
I looked at that clerk cross-eyed, and it made him squirm.
I wasen't blind--not much.
That clerk wanted to steel _that_ umbreller, to send to HORRIS GREELEY,
so the Filosifer could keep the reign storms of Tammany from spatterin'
his white cote.
I understood his little dodge and nipped it.
"Snowball," said I, addressin' a dark skinned individual with a white
apern, while I was seated at the dinner table, "what in the deuce makes
all your dishes so small?"
"Dem is for one pusson, sah," said he. "Dat is an indiwidual butter
dish, sah. Dem is indiwidual vegetable dishes--and dat's an indiwidual
salt-cellar, sah," said he, pintin' to each piece of crockery.
I was hungry, and the crockery was soon empty.
Seein' a platter of ice cream down the table aways, I got up onto my
feet, and havin' a good long arm, reached for it.
It was awful cold, and sot my stumps to achin'.
I got one holler tooth full of the stuff.
"Snowball," said I, "look here."
"Well, sah?" he replied.
"I've got my tooth full of that cold puddin'," said I, pintin' to the
dish; "please bring me an individual toothpick, so I can dig it out."
He vanished. I coulden't wait, so I undertook to dig it out with my
A man opposite me, who thot heed play smart, sent word to the
tavern-keeper that I was swollerin' his forks.
Up comes the tavern-keeper, and ketchin' holt of my cote coller, shaked
me out in the middle of the dinin'-room floor.
"What in thunder are you about?" says I.
"Old man," says he, "them forks cost $9.00 a dozen. How many have you
"Not a gol darned fork," hollered I as loud as I could screem. Gittin'
onto my feet, I pulled off my cote and vest, and if I didn't make the
fur fly, and give that 'ere tavern-keeper the nisest little polishin'
off mortal man ever become acquainted with, then I don't understand the
roodiments of the English prize ring.
At Central Park, that hily cultivated forrest, the sharpers tried to
Just as I approched the gate which leads into the Park, a fansy lookin'
feller with short hair and plad briches stopt me and says: "Unkle, you'r
"You're a man of excellent judgment," I replide; "I think I am pooty
good lookin' for a man of my years."
"You don't undertand me, sir," he agin said. "Come down with your
"My which?" said I, turnin' a little red in the face.
"Your gate money," he replied, tryin' to shove me back. "We charge $1.00
for goin' in here."
"You do, do you?" said I, wavin' my umbreller over his head
threatenin' manner. "When our goverment resooms speshie payment agin
maybe I'le send you a silver dollar with a hole into it, and maybe I
won't; it will depend a good deal on the pertater crop."
I was very much agitated. Pullin' out my silver watch I says: "My sweet
sented Plumbob, if you don't histe your butes away from that gate in 2
seconds I'le bust your biler with this 'ere bunch of bones," and I
tickled the end of his probocis with my fist, as I gently rubbed it
under his smeller.
He saw heed caught a Tarter, in fact, a regular Tarter emetic, and he
slunk away rather sudden.
I had sent too many of such skinamelinks to the clay banks when I was
Gustice of the Peece to allow 'em to fool me much.
I visited WOOD'S Museum to see the wacks figgers and things.
The statutes of the 12 Apostles attracted my attention.
"And this," said a ministerial long-faced lookin' man, with a white
choker, "is the last supper.--What a sagacious eye has PETER got--How
doubtful THOMAS looks--MATTHEW is in deep thought, probly thinkin' of
the times he was a fisherman. What a _longin'_ look in that astoot
eye," said he, nudgin' me with his gold-headed cane.
"Yes," said I, "he is probly _longin'_ for that 'ere dish of ham and
eggs, in the middle of the table."
"Look at SIMON," he continered. "See! his eye rests upon his rite hand,
which is closed beside him on the table. His lips are parted as if he
was going to say--
"SIMON says thumbs up," I quickly replide, interruptin' him. I diden't
mean anything disrespectful to nobody, but that 'ere man flew into a
"Can it be, that a soul so devoid of poetry lives in this age?" said he.
"My venerable friend, I blush for you--yes, I blush for you, you are
devoid of sentiment."
"Look here, Captin," said I, "you may be a good preacher and all that
sort of thing. Excuse me for sayin' it, you hain't a BEECHER--Skarcely.
H. WARD soots me--He is chock full of sentiment--at the same time he can
relish a joak ekal to the best of us. Mix a little sunshine with that
gloomy lookin' countenance of yours. Don't let people of the world think
they must draw down their faces and colaps, because a man joaks about a
lot of wacks figgers dressed up in 6 penny caliker. Them's the kind of
sentiment which ales me every time." Sayin' which I storked
contemptously out of the wacks figger department.
I shall remain a few days in the big city, friend PUNCHINELLO, and if
the citizens of New York insist on givin' me a reception at the City
Hall, I will submit to the sacrifice, especially if the vitels are well
cookt. Ewers on a scare up,
HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,
_Lait Gustice of the Peece._
* * * * *
THE CENSUS ENUMERATOR'S PLAINT.
The names that these newspapers call us
Are hardest of all to surmount,
They say Mayor HALL may o'erhaul us;
He claims that our count is no 'count.
I never had any such trouble
In registering voters down South,
I set every nigger down double
And put the whites down in the mouth.
But here they're so very exacting
They kick up a row, don't you know?
Though under instructions we're acting
In playing our figures "for low."
I try to play Sharpe in these matters,
I dodge all the bricks and spittoons--
(Curse that bull-dog! he's torn to tatters
The seat of my best pantaloons!)
A tailor refused me admission,
And said he "vould shoot mit his gun,"
So I, out of Shear opposition,
Counted him and eight others for one.
While not in the habit of swearing,
I can't but be slightly profane
To hear these New Yorkers declaring
Their names have been taken in vain.
* * * * *
The most appropriate kind of dish on which to serve up Horseflesh
* * * * *
[Illustration: SEVERE ON BYRON BUBBS.
_Bubbs_. "DOES YOUR SISTER NETTIE EVER TALK ABOUT ME?"
_Little Rose_. "OH, YES! I HEARD HER TELL MA, YESTERDAY, YOU HAD SUCH A
BEAUTIFUL NECK, SO LONG THAT IT WOULD DO TO TIE IN A DOUBLE BOW-KNOT!"]
* * * * *
LAKE GEORGE, N. Y., Sept. 12.
DEAR PUNCHINELLO: "SLUKER," continued the long-haired man in an
absent-minded manner, "was a _corker_! there is no mistake about that.
Like the Ghost at BOOTH'S, he was a terror to the peaceful Hamlet. He
was always getting up shindys without the slightest provocation, and was
evidently possessed of the unpleasant ambition, as well as ability, to
whale the entire township in detachments of one.
Things got to be so bad after a while that the bark was rubbed off every
tree in town on account of the people incontinently shinning up them
whenever SLUKER came in sight.
It was no unusual thing to see business entirely suspended for hours,
while SLUKER marched up and down the main street, whistling, with his
hands in his pockets, and every soul in the place, from the minister
down, roosting as high as they could get, six on a branch, sometimes.
Matters went on in this way until one day a little incident occurred
that somewhat discouraged this gentle youth. He had just returned from a
discussion with a butcher, (from the effects of which the latter now
sleeps in the valley,) when a party of his fellow-townsmen entered the
store in which he was loafing, and ordered a coil of half-inch rope from
New York by the morning's train.
It was the Overland route that SLUKER took for California, and when his
aged mother heard that three eyes had been gouged out in one day in the
Golden City, she wept tears of joy. Her fond heart told her that the
perilous journey was over, and her darling boy was safe.
After ten years of a brilliant career he bethought him again of the
place of his birth. His heart yearned for the gentle delights,--the
heavy laden trees--of his boyhood's home. He said he must go.
His friends said he must go, too. In fact they had already appointed a
select and vigilant Committee to see him safely on his way.
In some respects SLUKER came back an altered man. The stamp of change
was on his noble face, indeed it had been stamped on itself, until it
looked like a wax doll under a hot stove. But he still retained his
There was not so much chance of indulging it now, however. The Fire
Company had disbanded, and nearly every one had grown rich enough to own
a shot-gun. There was only one chance left.
He joined the Presbyterian Choir.
Not that he had much of a voice, though he used to play 'Comin' thro'
the Rye' oh the fiddle sometimes, until he got it going _through him_ so
much he couldn't draw a note.
Nobody would have taken them if he had.
Well, SLUKER had a pretty warm time of it in the Choir, and enjoyed
himself very much, until they got a new Organist who pitched every thing
in 'high C,' which was this young man's strong lead.
As the Choir always sang in G, of coarse, there was a row the first
Sunday, and it was generally understood that SLUKER was going to fix
MIDDLERIB that night.
When the evening service commenced, and the Choir was about to begin,
the congregation were startled by an ominous click in the gallery, and
looking up, they beheld SLUKER covering the Organist's second shirt-stud
with his revolver.
"Give us G, Mr. MIDDLERIB, if you please!" he said blandly.
But the pirate on the high C's refused to Gee, and Whoa was the natural
The confusion that followed was terrible: SLUKER fired at everybody.
MIDDLERIB hit him with the music stool. The soprano was thrown over the
railing, and somebody turned off the gas.
In the ensuing darkness every one skirmished for themselves. SLUKER took
off his boots and hunted for MIDDLERIB in his stocking feet.
Suddenly he heard a single note on the 'high C.' He groped his way to
the keyboard, but there was no one there.
The solution rushed upon him,--MIDDLERIB must be _in_ the organ.
He crept round to the handle and bore his weight on it.
It was too true; the unhappy wretch had cut a hole in the bellows and
crawled in. But for his ruling passion he would have escaped.
There were a few muffled groans as the handle slowly descended upon the
doomed man, and as the breath rushed out of his body into his favorite
pipe, the wild 'high C of agony that ran through the sacred edifice
told them that all was over.
Let us draw a vail over the horrid picture."
* * *
I was very much interested in this story, very much indeed, and so I
jostled the long-haired man--who was about falling asleep--and asked him
if anything was done to this wicked SLUKER.
He looked at me reproachfully. "What's the matter with you, my friend?"
he said, in the same melancholy voice. "Don't you know who I am? I write
for the _Ledger_, and whenever 'I draw a vail, etc.,' that ends it, that
As we stepped from the steamer to the landing, I observed a youth of
about six summers dressed in the most elaborately agonizing manner. He
had two Schutzenfest targets in his cuffs; in one hand he held an
enormous cane, in the other a cigar, and through an eyeglass he gazed at
the ankles on the gang-plank with an air of patient weariness with this
slow old world that was very touching.
"Where," I exclaimed as I surveyed this show-card of a fast generation,
"O! where have our _children_ vanished? Take from childhood the
sparkling water of its purity--the sugar of its innocent affections--its
ardent but refreshing spirits--and what, ah! what have we left?"
"Nothing," said the melancholy voice at my elbow. "Absolutely nothing
save the mint and the straw!"
And he was right, my dear PUNCHINELLO, he was right.
* * * * *
Perhaps very few persons--and especially very few members of the
Republican party--are aware that a monument to ABRAHAM LINCOLN has at
last been completed, and that it has been placed on the site allotted
for it in Union Square. It is very creditable to the Republican Party
that they exercised such control over their feelings when the day for
unveiling the LINCOLN Monument arrived. Some parties might have made a
demonstration on the occasion of post-mortuary honors being accorded to
a leader whom they professed to worship while he lived, and whom they
demi-deified after his death. No such extravagant folly can be laid at
the door of the Republican Party. "Let bygones be bygones" is their
motto. They allowed their "sham ABRAHAM," in heroic bronze, to be
hoisted on to his pedestal in Union Square in solitude and silence. That
was commendable. A live ass is better than a dead lion; and so the
Republican Party, who consider themselves very much alive, went to look
after their daily thistles and left their dead lion in charge of a
* * * * *
THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
LOTTA is lithe; (which is alliterative,) pretty, piquant, and addicted
to the banjo. The latter characteristic is inseparable from her. In
whatever situation the dramatist may place her, whether in a London
drawing-room or a Cockney kitchen, whether on an Algerian battle-field
or in a California mining-camp, she is certain to produce the inevitable
banjo, and to sing the irrepressible comic song. In fact, her plays are
written not for LOTTA, but for LOTTA'S banjo. The dramatist takes the
presence of the banjo as the central fact of his drama, and weaves his
plot around it. His play is made on the model of that celebrated drama
written to introduce Mr. CRUMMLES'S pump and tubs. Thus does he preserve
the sacred unity of LOTTA and the banjo.
_Heart's Ease_--in which she is now playing at NIBLO'S Garden, is
plainly born of the banjo, and lives for that melodious instrument
alone. The author said to himself, "A California mining-camp would be a
nice place for a banjo solo." Wherefore he conceived the camp, with a
chorus of red-shirted miners. Wherefore too, he created a comic Yankee
who should be eccentric enough to bring a banjo to the camp, and a lover
who should be charmed by its touching strains. It required a prologue
and three acts to enable him to successfully introduce the banjo. In a
somewhat condensed form, these acts and this prologue are here set
PROLOGUE. _A seedy husband who is audaciously palmed upon the public as
a Reasoning Animal is discovered in a London garret, with a
healthy-looking wife, in a rapid consumption_.
REASONING ANIMAL. "I loved you, my dear, and therefore brought you from
a comfortable home to this dreary garret. I cannot bear to leave you, so
I will go out for a walk." (_The bell rings, and the wife's mother,
brother and family physician enter._)
MOTHER. "You must leave your husband and come home and live with us."
BROTHER. "Of course you must. You need not hesitate about a little thing
like that. Go into the other room and consult the Doctor. Here comes
your husband." (_Re-enter_ REASONING ANIMAL.)
REASONING ANIMAL. "Her berrotherr! Herre!"
BROTHER, "Yes. You can't support your wife. The Doctor says she needs
nice parties and other necessaries of life. Give her to us, and go to
REASONING ANIMAL. "I will. Bring her here till I embrace her. (_She is
brought._) Farewell, my dear. I will go and make my fortune."
WIFE. "Take our little girl with you."
REASONING ANIMAL. "I will, for she needs a mother's care. Good-bye!
Leave me to weep and wash the baby's face and hands alone."
ACT I.--_Scene, a California mining-camp. Various miners of assorted
nationalities--one of each--hard at work lying on the ground._
1ST MINER. "I want more whiskey."
CHORUS. "So do we."
2ND MINER. "MAY WILDROSE won't sell any more."
CHORUS. "But she gives it to her lover."
3RD MINER. "He looks clean; he must have found a nugget. Let's kill
4TH MINER. "Sh--we will." (_Enter_ MAY WILDROSE--_which her name it is_
MAY. "Here comes my darling LIONEL. Let me get you some brandy, love."
LIONEL. "Certainly, my dear. How full of forethought is a true woman's
CHORUS of MINERS. "She gives it to him, but not to us. Beware, young
woman, or we will go back on you."
MAY. "No you won't. My father earns a laborious living by making me keep
a whiskey shop. We have a monopoly of the business, and you will have to
buy of us, whether you like it or not. Get out of my sight, or I'll lick
the whole boiling of you." (_They fly, and she returns to the parental
LIONEL. "Night is coming on. I will go among the rocks; why, I don't
know, but still I will go." (_Goes. Three miners follow and attack
LIONEL. "Save me, somebody."
MAY. _Appearing suddenly with a revolver_--"You bet." (_She shoots the
miners and brings down the curtain triumphantly._)
ACT II.--_Scene--the whiskey shop of the_ REASONING ANIMAL.--LIONEL
_asleep on a bed evidently borrowed from some boarding-house--since it
is several feet too short for him_.--MAY _engaged in peeling
potatoes.--Enter_ REASONING ANIMAL.
REASONING ANIMAL. "My daughter! I see you are passionately in love with
LIONEL. Therefore, as I know him to be a fine young fellow, you must
never see him more." (_Enter_ COMIC YANKEE.)
COMIC YANKEE. "Here's your new banjo, Miss MAY. Play us something comic
MAY. "Thank Heaven, I can get at the banjo at last" (_Plays and is
encored a dozen times._)
COMIC YANKEE. "Miss MAY, you must go and take a walk." (_She goes._)
"LIONEL, you are well enough to leave this ranche. Get up and get."
LIONEL. "Farewell, beloved whiskey shop. Tell MAY I am going to leave
her, and give her my sketches. If she once looks at them, she can love
me no longer." (_Goes out to slow music. Re-enter_ MAY.)
MAY. "The wretch has left me without a word. I will bury his infamous
sketches under the floor. They may frighten away the rats." (_Pulls up
the floor and finds an immense nugget. Her father rushes in to see it.
Two miners also see it and try to raise it. They are promptly seen and
called by_ MAY, _who shoots one and holds the pistol pointed at the
other, while the curtain slowly falls._)
ACT III.--_Scene, a London drawing-room. Enter_ MAY, _gorgeously
dressed. Also her father, who has forgotten all about his wife, and
also_ LIONEL _and the_ COMIC YANKEE.
COMIC YANKEE. "Let us sing."
MAY. "Come on, old hoss." (_They sing and dance for an hour, such being
the pleasant custom of fashionable London society._)
MAY. "Miss CLARA! I understand you are engaged to marry LIONEL, and that
if you marry anybody else you lose your dower of twenty thousand pounds.
Sell LIONEL to me, and I will give you a check for the amount."
CLARA. "Thanks, noble stranger, there is the receipt. Hand over the
LIONEL. "Dearest MAY, as you must have a pretty large bank account, to
be able to draw checks for twenty thousand pounds, I am quite sure I
MAY. "Come to my arms. Now then, everybody, how is that for high!"
(_Slow curtain, relieved by eccentric gymnastics by the_ COMIC YANKEE.)
BOY IN THE AUDIENCE. "Pa! isn't that splendid?"
DISCRIMINATING PARENT. "What! How! Who! Where am I? O, to be sure, I
came to see _Heart's Ease_, and to take my evening nap. Did LOTTA play
BOY. "O didn't she just. She played and sung dead loads of times."
DISCRIMINATING PARENT. "I have had a sweet nap. My son, I think I can
now risk taking you to the minstrels. If I slept through this, I could
feel reasonably sure of sleeping through even the dark conundrums and
sentimental colored ballads. There is only a shade of difference between
the two styles of performance, and that slight shade is only burnt
* * * * *
Mural Decorations in Rome.
The "dead walls" of Rome, as we learn from the telegrams, were lately
placarded with immense posters proclaiming the Italian Republic.
Rome being an "Eternal City," we were not previously aware that any of
her walls were dead. If they are, however, it may be that the posters of
the posters referred to took that method of bringing them to life again,
which may be looked on as a _post mortem_ proceeding.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE RETORT COURTEOUS.
_Newly-arrived Briton._ "ENGLISH SPARROWS?--IMPOSSIBLE. WHY, THEY CHIRP
THROUGH THEIR LITTLE NOSES LIKE WEGULAR YANKEES."
_Park-Keeper._ "WELL, I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT TAKES TWO MEN AND A CART,
EVERY DAY TO REMOVE THE 'Hs' DROPPED BY THEM ABOUT THE PARK."]
* * * * *
PARIS, FIRST WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870.
DEAR PUNCHINELLO: Things are becoming so mixed here that I am thinking
of retiring to Tours with the other tourists. The city is all on the
go--that is to say, the non-combatants are all going out of it as fast
GAMBETTA left here the early part of the week, and it was better for him
that he should. I wouldn't give a _sou_ for any of these republicans if
they chance to fall into the clutches of King WILLIAM. It is reported
that he has issued an order for the strangulation of all French children
between the ages of three and five, in reprisal for the treacherous
blowing up of Germans at Laon.
BISMARCK has requested the privilege of cooking ROCHEFORT'S mutton for
him, should he be taken alive when Paris falls. What he means by
"cooking his mutton" has not yet transpired, but it is gloomily
vaticinated that he intends to boil him down. ROCHEFORT mutton with
caper sauce ought to satisfy the epicurean taste of BISMARCK, especially
as ROCHEFORT would cease his caperings from that hour. Late last night
there was an alarm in the city that the whole Prussian army was at
Noisy-le-Sec. As you may have suspected, a noisy demonstration followed
I got out of bed, rang the bell, and requested the _concierge_ to bring
me an auger. The man looked a little astonished at what he undoubtedly
considered a strange request.
For a man to get out of bed in the middle of the night and call for an
auger, was indeed a trifle peculiar. When he brought it, I increased his
astonishment by proceeding to bore a hole through the top of my trunk.
"_C'est un imbecile_," said the concierge, retreating a step or two.
"Not much," I retorted, boring away with renewed vigor. Presently the
orifice was made. Into it I thrust an Alpen stock which had accompanied
me in many a toilsome march through Switzerland, and lifting the lid,
took from the cradle of the trunk a star-spangled banner made of silk,
which had been presented to me by the Young Men's Christian Association
of New York, prior to my departure for Europe, as a token of their
esteem for my services in the capacity of a "reformed drunkard." I
fastened the flag to the stock, put my boots, clothes and other
valuables on top of the trunk, and in a voice intended to express my
defiance of King WILLIAM and his German Lagerheads, spoke these words:
Wave fearless, there, thou standard sheet!
That Yankee trunk and all it holds
(Though Prussian hirelings throng each street)
Is safe beneath thy starry folds!
Saying which I dismissed the humiliated _concierge_, took a drink, blew
out the _bougie_, and sank into the arms of "Tired nature's sweet
Instances like the above are quite common among Americans in Paris. It
was only the other day at the depot of the _Chemin de fer du Nord_ that
I saw a sick Bostonian sitting on his trunk outside the gates, waiting
for a chance to get into the train, with a Skye-terrier between his legs
wrapped in the American flag. You easily get accustomed to such sights,
and don't think anything about them.
Yesterday I called at the office of the American Minister. I gave the
porter my card, and asked if "WASH." was in. He eyed me strangely. (Most
people when they first see me generally do. I have thought sometimes
that a certificate of good character posted conspicuously about my
person would obviate this--but as they say here, "_n' importe_.")
"I'll see," said the porter, in reply to my question. He walked off,
taking with him the door mat, an umbrella that stood in the hall, four
coats and three hats that hung on the rack, besides numerous other small
portable articles of _vertu_ that would have come handy for a
I did not consider this movement a reflection upon my character, for it
seemed but appropriate that he should do it. "What," said I to myself,
"are porters for, but to remove portable articles?"
"WASH" was in, and fortunately for me, too, as I obtained a bit of news
that has not yet been printed in the cable dispatches from "Private
It came by letter from General FORSYTH, SHERIDAN'S aide-de-camp and Lord
High Chamberlain, and was to the effect that SHERIDAN had not tasted a
drop of whiskey or uttered an oath since landing in Germany. WASH, asked
me to communicate the fact to you with the request that you would
forward it to the "Society for the Encouragement of Practical Piety" at
Boston. He also told me that, between looking after German interests in
Paris and receiving ovations from enthusiastic mobs, he didn't think he
could do justice to his salary.
"WASH," says I, "it isn't so much that, as it is that the salary doesn't
do justice to you. If that's the case speak right out; PUNCHINELLO can
fix it for you." This took WASH. so suddenly that he couldn't speak, but
his eyes were running over with language. Don't move in the matter,
however, till you hear from me again, when I shall have something more
to tell you about the march of the Prussians to this capital, and the
capital march I propose to make out of it.
Yours, in a revolutionary state, DICK TINTO.
* * * * *
MONSIEUR SYLVESTRE. By GEORGE SAND. Boston: ROBERTS BROTHERS.
A welcome version of one of Madame DUDEVANT'S novels, well rendered into
English by Mr. F.G. SHAW. It is issued in very neat and attractive
form, and is one of a series of the SAND novels, publishing by Messrs.
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| The most popular Monthly in the world.--_N. Y. Observer._ |
| The Best Monthly Periodical, not in this country alone, but |
| in the English language.--_The Press_, Phila. |
| Terms for HARPER'S MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, and BAZAR. |
| Harper's Magazine, One Year $4.00 |
| Harper's Weekly, One Year $4.00 |
| Harper's Bazar, One Year $4.00 |
| HARPER'S MAGAZINE, HARPER'S WEEKLY, and HARPER'S BAZAR, to |
| one address, for one year, $10.00; or any two for $7.00, |
| Address, HARPER & BROTHERS, New York. |
GEO. W. WHEAT & Co, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET.