Part 6 out of 14
"I'm sorry," explained the cashier, "but Mr. Blank, who signs the
checks, is laid up with a sprained ankle."
"But, my dear sir," expostulated the author, "does he sign them with his
Strolling along the boardwalk at Atlantic City, Mr. Mulligan, the
wealthy retired contractor, dropped a quarter through a crack in the
planking. A friend came along a minute later and found him squatted
down, industriously poking a two dollar bill through the treacherous
cranny with his forefinger.
"Mulligan, what the divvil ar-re ye doin'?" inquired the friend.
"Sh-h," said Mr. Mulligan, "I'm tryin' to make it wort' me while to tear
up this board."
A captain, inspecting his company one morning, came to an Irishman who
evidently had not shaved for several days.
"Doyle," he asked, "how is it that you haven't shaved this morning?"
"But Oi did, sor."
"How dare you tell me that with the beard you have on your face?"
"Well, ye see, sor," stammered Doyle, "there wus nine of us to one small
bit uv a lookin'-glass, an' it must be thot in th' gineral confusion Oi
shaved some other man's face."
"Is that you, dear?" said a young husband over the telephone. "I just
called up to say that I'm afraid I won't be able to get home to dinner
to-night, as I am detained at the office."
"You poor dear," answered the wife sympathetically. "I don't wonder. I
don't see how you manage to get anything done at all with that orchestra
playing in your office. Good-by."
"What is the matter, dearest?" asked the mother of a small girl who had
been discovered crying in the hall.
"Somfing awful's happened, Mother."
"Well, what is it, sweetheart?"
"My d'doll-baby got away from me and broked a plate in the pantry."
A poor casual laborer, working on a scaffolding, fell five stories to
the ground. As his horrified mates rushed down pell-mell to his aid, he
picked himself up, uninjured, from a great, soft pile of sand.
"Say, fellers," he murmured anxiously, "is the boss mad? Tell him I had
to come down anyway for a ball of twine."
Cephas is a darky come up from Maryland to a border town in
Pennsylvania, where he has established himself as a handy man to do odd
jobs. He is a good worker, and sober, but there are certain proclivities
of his which necessitate a pretty close watch on him. Not long ago he
was caught with a chicken under his coat, and was haled to court to
explain its presence there.
"Now, Cephas," said the judge very kindly, "you have got into a new
place, and you ought to have new habits. We have been good to you and
helped you, and while we like you as a sober and industrious worker,
this other business cannot be tolerated. Why did you take Mrs. Gilkie's
Cephas was stumped, and he stood before the majesty of the law, rubbing
his head and looking ashamed of himself. Finally he answered:
"Deed, I dunno, Jedge," he explained, "ceptin' 't is dat chickens is
chickens and niggers is niggers."
GRANDMA--"Johnny, I have discovered that you have taken more maple-sugar
than I gave you."
JOHNNY--"Yes, Grandma, I've been making believe there was another little
boy spending the day with me."
Mr. X was a prominent member of the B.P.O.E. At the breakfast table the
other morning he was relating to his wife an incident that occurred at
the lodge the previous night. The president of the order offered a silk
hat to the brother who could stand up and truthfully say that during his
married life he had never kissed any woman but his own wife. "And, would
you believe it, Mary?--not a one stood up." "George," his wife said,
"why didn't you stand up?" "Well," he replied, "I was going to, but I
know I look like hell in a silk hat."
And oftentimes excusing of a fault
Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse,
As patches set upon a little breach,
Discredit more in hiding of the fault
Than did the fault before it was so patched.
TRAMP--"Lady, I'm dying from exposure."
WOMAN--"Are you a tramp, politician or financier?"--_Judge_.
There was a young girl named O'Neill,
Who went up in the great Ferris wheel;
But when half way around
She looked at the ground,
And it cost her an eighty-cent meal.
Everybody knew that John Polkinhorn was the carelessest man in town, but
nobody ever thought he was careless enough to marry Susan Rankin,
seeing that he had known her for years. For awhile they got along fairly
well but one day after five years of it John hung himself in the attic,
where Susan used to dry the wash on rainy days, and a carpenter, who
went up to the roof to do some repairs, found him there. He told Susan,
and Susan hurried up to see about it, and, sure enough, the carpenter
was right. She stood looking at her late husband for about a
minute--kind of dazed, the carpenter thought--then she spoke.
"Well, I declare!" she exclaimed. "If he hasn't used my new
clothes-line, and the old would have done every bit as well! But, of
course, that's just like John Polkinhorn."
"The editor of my paper," declared the newspaper business manager to a
little coterie of friends, "is a peculiar genius. Why, would you believe
it, when he draws his weekly salary he keeps out only one dollar for
spending money and sends the rest to his wife in Indianapolis!"
His listeners--with one exception, who sat silent and reflective--gave
vent to loud murmurs of wonder and admiration.
"Now, it may sound thin," added the speaker, "but it is true,
"Oh, I don't doubt it at all!" quickly rejoined the quiet one; "I was
only wondering what he does with the dollar!"
An Irish soldier was recently given leave of absence the morning after
pay day. When his leave expired he didn't appear. He was brought at last
before the commandant for sentence, and the following dialogue is
"Well, Murphy, you look as if you had had a severe engagement."
"Have you any money left?"
"You had $35 when you left the fort, didn't you?"
"What did you do with it?"
"Well, sur, I was walking along and I met a friend, and we went into a
place and spint $8. Thin we came out and I met another friend and we
spint $8 more, and thin I come out and we met another friend and we
spint $8 more, and thin we come out and we met another bunch of friends,
and I spint $8 more--and thin I come home."
"But, Murphy, that makes only $32. What did you do with the other $3?"
Murphy thought. Then he shook his head slowly and said:
"I dunno, colonel, I reckon I must have squandered that money
Little Ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face. "Is it true,
father," he asked, "that marriage is a failure?"
His father surveyed him thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, Ikey," he
finally replied, "If you get a rich wife, it's almost as good as a
Faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his flowers and
garden will resemble the views shown on the seed packets.--_Country Life
"What is faith, Johnny?" asks the Sunday school teacher.
"Pa says," answers Johnny, "that it's readin' in the papers that the
price o' things has come down, an expectin' to find it true when the
bills comes in."
Faith is believing the dentist when he says it isn't going to hurt.
"As I understand it, Doctor, if I believe I'm well, I'll be well. Is
that the idea?"
"Then, if you believe you are paid, I suppose you'll be paid."
"But why shouldn't faith work as well in one case as in the other?"
"Why, you see, there is considerable difference between having faith in
Providence and having faith in you."--_Horace Zimmerman_.
Mother had been having considerable argument with her infant daughter as
to whether the latter was going to be left alone in a dark room to go to
sleep. As a clincher, the mother said: "There is no reason at all why
you should be afraid. Remember that God is here all the time, and,
besides, you have your dolly. Now go to sleep like a good little girl."
Twenty minutes later a wail came from upstairs, and mother went to the
foot of the stairs to pacify her daughter. "Don't cry," she said;
"remember what I told you--God is there with you and you have your
dolly." "But I don't want them," wailed the baby; "I want you, muvver; I
want somebody here that has got a skin face on them."
Faith is a fine invention
For gentlemen who see;
But Microscopes are prudent
In an emergency.
A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At first
they said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to give him a
trial. He seemed to be making good, and they gradually increased the
size of his load until on the last trip he was carrying a 300-pound
anvil under each arm. When he was half-way across the gangplank it broke
and the Irishman fell in. With a great splashing and spluttering he came
to the surface.
"T'row me a rope, I say!" he shouted again. Once more he sank. A third
time he rose struggling.
"Say!" he spluttered angrily, "if one uv you shpalpeens don't hurry up
an' t'row me a rope I'm goin' to drop one uv these damn t'ings!"
Fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of admiration on
the part of people who are not thinking of you.
Many a man thinks he has become famous when he has merely happened to
meet an editor who was hard up for material.
Were not this desire of fame very strong, the difficulty of obtaining
it, and the danger of losing it when obtained, would be sufficient to
deter a man from so vain a pursuit.--_Addison_.
"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great
Britain," said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I am
English, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby wails."
Mrs. O'Flarity is a scrub lady, and she had been absent from her duties
for several days. Upon her return her employer asked her the reason for
"Sure, I've been carin' for wan of me sick children," she replied.
"And how many children have you, Mrs. O'Flarity?" he asked.
"Siven in all," she replied. "Four by the third wife of me second
husband; three by the second wife of me furst."
A man descended from an excursion train and was wearily making his way
to the street-car, followed by his wife and fourteen children, when a
policeman touched him on the shoulder and said:
"Come along wid me."
"Blamed if I know; but when ye're locked up I'll go back and find out
why that crowd was following ye."
Happy are we met, Happy have we been,
Happy may we part, and Happy meet again.
A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter
off on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the car and went
around to the car window to say a last parting word. While he was
leaving the car the daughter crossed the aisle to speak to a friend, and
at the same time a grim old maid took the seat and moved up to the
Unaware of the change the old gentleman hurriedly put his head up to the
window and said: "One more kiss, pet."
In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from the
window, followed by the wrathful injunction: "Scat, you gray-headed
"I am going to make my farewell tour in Shakespeare. What shall be the
play? Hamlet? Macbeth?"
"This is your sixth farewell tour, I believe."
"I would suggest 'Much Adieu About Nothing'."
For in that word--that fatal word--howe'er
We promise--hope--believe--there breathes despair.
There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who are
comfortable.--_Tom P. Morgan_.
There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened to long
discussions about the very latest fashions. That night when she said her
prayers, she added a new petition, uttered with unwonted fervency:
"And, dear Lord, please make us all very stylish."
Nothing is thought rare
Which is not new, and follow'd; yet we know
That what was worn some twenty years ago
Comes into grace again.
--_Beaumont and Fletcher_.
As good be out of the World as out of the Fashion.--_Colley Cibber_.
Fate hit me very hard one day.
I cried: "What is my fault?
What have I done? What causes, pray,
This unprovoked assault?"
She paused, then said: "Darned if I know;
I really can't explain."
Then just before she turned to go
She whacked me once again!
--_La Touche Hancock_.
So in the Libyan fable it is told
That once an eagle stricken with a dart,
Said, when he saw the fashion of the shaft,
"With our own feathers, not by others' hands,
Are we now smitten."
A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing
his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history.
Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the baby to tell him what it
represented. Baby answered "Coty."
Pointing to a picture of a tiger in the same way, she answered "Kitty."
Then a lion, and she answered "Doggy." Elated with her seeming quick
perception, he then turned to the picture of a Chimpanzee and said:
"Baby, what is this?"
Women's faults are many,
Men have only two--
Everything they say,
And everything they do.
BIG MAN (with a grouch)--"Will you be so kind as to get off my feet?"
LITTLE MAN (with a bundle)--"I'll try, sir. Is it much of a walk?"
"Who gave ye th' black eye, Jim?"
"Nobody give it t' me; I had t' fight fer it."--_Life_.
"There! You have a black eye, and your nose is bruised, and your coat is
torn to bits," said Mamma, as her youngest appeared at the door. "How
many times have I told you not to play with that bad Jenkins boy?"
"Now, look here, Mother," said Bobby, "do I look as if we'd been
Two of the leading attorneys of Memphis, who had been warm friends for
years, happened to be opposing counsel in a case some time ago. The
older of the two was a man of magnificent physique, almost six feet
four, and built in proportion, while the younger was barely five feet
and weighed not more than ninety pounds.
In the course of his argument the big man unwittingly made some remark
that aroused the ire of his small adversary. A moment later he felt a
great pulling and tugging at his coat tails. Looking down, he was
greatly astonished to see his opponent wildly gesticulating and dancing
"What on earth are you trying to do there, Dudley?" he asked.
"By Gawd, suh, I'm fightin', suh!"
An Irishman boasted that he could lick any man in Boston, yes,
Massachusetts, and finally he added New England. When he came to, he
said: "I tried to cover too much territory."
"Dose Irish make me sick, alvays talking about vat gread fighders dey
are," said a Teutonic resident of Hoboken, with great contempt. "Vhy, at
Minna's vedding der odder night dot drunken Mike O'Hooligan butted in,
und me und mein bruder, und mein cousin Fritz und mein frient Louie
Hartmann--vhy, we pretty near kicked him oudt of der house!"
VILLAGE GROCER--"What are you running for, sonny?"
BOY--"I'm tryin' to keep two fellers from fightin'."
VILLAGE GROCER--"Who are the fellows?"
BOY--"Bill Perkins and me!"--_Puck_.
An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the
outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness in
court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took the
witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial Bourbon
verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took place. She
insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his persistency
finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas.
"Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn't amount to nuthn'. The fust I knowed
about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knocked
him down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's friends then cut Tom with a
knife, slicin' a big chunk out o' him. Then Sam Jones, who was a friend
of Tom's, shot the other feller and two more shot him, en three or four
others got cut right smart by somebody. That nachly caused some
excitement, Jedge, en then they commenced fightin'."
"Do you mean to say such a physical wreck as he gave you that black
eye?" asked the magistrate.
"Sure, your honor, he wasn't a physical wreck till after he gave me the
black eye," replied the complaining wife.--_London Telegraph_.
A pessimistic young man dining alone in a restaurant ordered broiled
live lobster. When the waiter put it on the table it was obviously minus
one claw. The pessimistic young man promptly kicked. The waiter said it
was unavoidable--there had been a fight in the kitchen between two
lobsters. The other one had torn off one of the claws of this lobster
and had eaten it. The young man pushed the lobster over toward the
waiter. "Take it away," he said wearily, "and bring me the winner."
There never was a good war or a bad peace.--_Benjamin Franklin_.
The master-secret in fighting is to strike once, but in the right
place.--_John C. Snaith_.
Willie had a savings bank;
'Twas made of painted tin.
He passed it 'round among the boys,
Who put their pennies in.
Then Willie wrecked that bank and bought
Sweetmeats and chewing gum.
And to the other envious lads
He never offered some.
"What will we do?" his mother said:
"It is a sad mischance."
His father said: "We'll cultivate
His gift for high finance."
HICKS--"I've got to borrow $200 somewhere."
WICKS--"Take my advice and borrow $300 while you are about it."
"But I only need $200."
"That doesn't make any difference. Borrow $300 and pay back $100 of it
in two installments at intervals of a month or so. Then the man that you
borrow from will think he is going to get the rest of it."
It is said J. P. Morgan could raise $10,000,000 on his check any minute;
but the man who is raising a large family on $9 a week is a greater
financier than Morgan.
To modernize an old prophecy, "out of the mouths of babes shall come
much worldly wisdom." Mr. K. has two boys whom he dearly loves. One day
he gave each a dollar to spend. After much bargaining, they brought home
a wonderful four-wheeled steamboat and a beautiful train of cars. For
awhile the transportation business flourished, and all was well, but one
day Craig explained to his father that while business had been good, he
could do much better if he only had the capital to buy a train of cars
like Joe's. His arguments must have been good, for the money was
forthcoming. Soon after, little Toe, with probably less logic but more
loving, became possessed of a dollar to buy a steamboat like Craig's.
But Mr. K., who had furnished the additional capital, looked in vain for
the improved service. The new rolling stock was not in evidence, and
explanations were vague and unsatisfactory, as is often the case in the
railroad game at which men play. It took a stern court of inquiry to
develop the fact that the railroad and steamship had simply changed
hands--and at a mutual profit of one hundred per cent. And Mr. K., as he
told his neighbor, said it was worth that much to know that his boys
would not need much of a legacy from him.--_P.A. Kershaw_.
An old artisan who prided himself on his ability to drive a close
bargain contracted to paint a huge barn in the neighborhood for the
small sum of twelve dollars.
"Why on earth did you agree to do it for so little?" his brother
"Well," said the old painter, "you see, the owner is a mighty onreliable
man. If I'd said I'd charge him twenty-five dollars, likely he'd have
only paid me nineteen. And if I charge him twelve dollars, he may not
pay me but nine. So I thought it over, and decided to paint it for
twelve dollars, so I wouldn't lose so much."
MISTRESS (to new servant)--"Why, Bridget, this is the third time I've
had to tell you about the finger-bowls. Didn't the lady you last worked
for have them on the table?"
BRIDGET--"No, mum; her friends always washed their hands before they
Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines.
Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a
ramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: "Hi there, look out!
The fire department's coming."
Turning in by the curb the farmer watched the hose cart, salvage wagon
and engine whiz past. Then he turned out into the street again and drove
on. Barely had he started when the hook and ladder came tearing along.
The rear wheel of the big truck slewed into the farmer's buggy, smashing
it to smithereens and sending the farmer sprawling into the gutter. The
policeman ran to his assistance.
"Didn't I tell ye to keep out of the way?" he demanded crossly. "Didn't
I tell ye the fire department was comin"?"
"Wall, consarn ye," said the peeved farmer, "I _did_ git outer the way
for th' fire department. But what in tarnation was them drunken painters
in sech an all-fired hurry fer?"
Two Irishmen fresh from Ireland had just landed in New York and engaged
a room in the top story of a hotel. Mike, being very sleepy, threw
himself on the bed and was soon fast asleep. The sights were so new and
strange to Pat that he sat at the window looking out. Soon an alarm of
fire was rung in and a fire-engine rushed by throwing up sparks of fire
and clouds of smoke. This greatly excited Pat, who called to his comrade
to get up and come to the window, but Mike was fast asleep. Another
engine soon followed the first, spouting smoke and fire like the former.
This was too much for poor Pat, who rushed excitedly to the bedside, and
shaking his friend called loudly:
"Mike, Mike, wake up! They are moving Hell, and two loads have gone by
Fire escape: A steel stairway on the exterior of a building, erected
after a FIRE to ESCAPE the law.
"Ikey, I hear you had a fire last Thursday."
"Sh! Next Thursday."
FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY
The father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up the
family physician. "Our little boy is sick, Doctor," he said, "so please
come at once."
"I can't get over much under an hour," said the doctor.
"Oh please do, Doctor. You see, my wife has a book on 'What to Do Before
the Doctor Comes,' and I'm so afraid she'll do it before you get here!"
NURSE GIRL--"Oh, ma'am, what shall I do? The twins have fallen down the
FOND PARENT--"Dear me! how annoying! Just go into the library and get
the last number of _The Modern Mother's Magazine_; it contains an
article on 'How to Bring Up Children.'"
SURGEON AT NEW YORK HOSPITAL--"What brought you to this dreadful
condition? Were you run over by a street-car?"
PATIENT--"No, sir; I fainted, and was brought to by a member of the
Society of First Aid to the Injured."--_Life_.
A prominent physician was recently called to his telephone by a colored
woman formerly in the service of his wife. In great agitation the woman
advised the physician that her youngest child was in a bad way.
"What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor.
"Doc, she done swallered a bottle of ink!"
"I'll be over there in a short while to see her," said the doctor. "Have
you done anything for her?"
"I done give her three pieces o' blottin'-paper, Doc," said the colored
A man went into a restaurant recently and said, "Give me a half dozen
"Sorry, sah," answered the waiter, "but we's all out o' shell fish, sah,
Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together, and the
mother, who always tried to impress facts upon her young daughter, said:
"These little sardines, Elizabeth, are sometimes eaten by the larger
Elizabeth gazed at the sardines in wonder, and then asked:
"But, mother, how do the large fish get the cans open?"
At the birth of President Cleveland's second child no scales could be
found to weigh the baby. Finally the scales that the President always
used to weigh the fish he caught on his trips were brought up from the
cellar, and the child was found to weigh twenty-five pounds.
"Doin' any good?" asked the curious individual on the bridge.
"Any good?" answered the fisherman, in the creek below. "Why I caught
forty bass out o' here yesterday."
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the man on the bridge.
The fisherman replied that he did not.
"Well, I am the county fish and game warden."
The angler, after a moment's thought, exclaimed, "Say, do you know who I
"No," the officer replied.
"Well, I'm the biggest liar in eastern Indiana," said the crafty angler,
with a grin.
A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her father
informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but most of all
he loved Venice.
"Ah, Venice, to be sure!" said the friend. "I can readily understand
that your father would like Venice, with its gondolas, and St. Markses
"Oh, no," the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it
because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."
Smith the other day went fishing. He caught nothing, so on his way back
home he telephoned to his provision dealer to send a dozen of bass
around to his house.
He got home late himself. His wife said to him on his arrival:
"Well, what luck?"
"Why, splendid luck, of course," he replied. "Didn't the boy bring that
dozen bass I gave him?"
Mrs. Smith started. Then she smiled.
"Well, yes, I suppose he did," she said. "There they are."
And she showed poor Smith a dozen bottles of Bass's ale.
"You'll be a man like one of us some day," said the patronizing
sportsman to a lad who was throwing his line into the same stream.
"Yes, sir," he answered, "I s'pose I will some day, but I b'lieve I'd
rather stay small and ketch a few fish."
The more worthless a man, the more fish he can catch.
As no man is born an artist, so no man is born an angler.--_Izaak
A man was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to a lake
in Colorado which he had in contemplation.
"Are there any trout out there?" asked one friend.
"Thousands of 'em," replied Mr. Wharry.
"Will they bite easily?" asked another friend.
"Will they?" said Mr. Wharry. "Why they're absolutely vicious. A man has
to hide behind a tree to bait a hook."
"I got a bite--I got a bite!" sang out a tiny girl member of a fishing
party. But when an older brother hurriedly drew in the line there was
only a bare hook. "Where's the fish?" he asked. "He unbit and div," said
The late Justice Brewer was with a party of New York friends on a
fishing trip in the Adirondacks, and around the camp fire one evening
the talk naturally ran on big fish. When it came his turn the jurist
began, uncertain as to how he was going to come out:
"We were fishing one time on the Grand Banks for--er--for--"
"Whales," somebody suggested.
"No," said the Justice, "we were baiting with whales."
"Lo, Jim! Fishin'?"
"Naw; drowning worms."
We may say of angling as Dr. Boteler said of strawberries: "Doubtless
God could have made a better berry, but doubtless God never did"; and so
(if I might be judge), God never did make a more calm, quiet, innocent
recreation than angling.--_Izaak Walton_.
"Hello, Tom, old man, got your new flat fitted up yet?"
"Not quite," answered the friend. "Say, do you know where I can buy a
She hadn't told her mother yet of their first quarrel, but she took
refuge in a flood of tears.
"Before we were married you said you'd lay down your life for me," she
"I know it," he returned solemnly; "but this confounded flat is so tiny
that there's no place to lay anything down."
With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel O'Connell.
"The day of great men," she said, "is gone forever."
"But the day of beautiful women is not," he responded.
She smiled and blushed. "I was only joking," she explained, hurriedly.
MAGISTRATE (about to commit for trial)--"You certainly effected the
robbery in a remarkably ingenious way; in fact, with quite exceptional
PRISONER--"Now, yer honor, no flattery, please; no flattery, I begs
OLD MAID--"But why should a great strong man like you be found begging?"
WAYFARER--"Dear lady, it is the only profession I know in which a
gentleman can address a beautiful woman without an introduction."
William ---- was said to be the ugliest, though the most lovable, man in
Louisiana. On returning to the plantation after a short absence, his
"Willie, I met in New Orleans a Mrs. Forrester who is a great admirer of
yours. She said, though, that it wasn't so much the brillancy of your
mental attainments as your marvelous physical and facial beauty which
charmed and delighted her."
"Edmund," cried William earnestly, "that is a wicked lie, but tell it to
"You seem to be an able-bodied man. You ought to be strong enough to
"I know, mum. And you seem to be beautiful enough to go on the stage,
but evidently you prefer the simple life."
After that speech he got a square meal and no reference to the woodpile.
O, that men's ears should be
To counsel deaf, but not to flattery!
_See_ Pure food.
It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation is
attention without intention.
"There's a belief that summer girls are always fickle."
"Yes, I got engaged on that theory, but it looks as if I'm in for a
wedding or a breach of promise suit."
A teacher in one of the primary grades of the public school had noticed
a striking platonic friendship that existed between Tommy and little
Mary, two of her pupils.
Tommy was a bright enough youngster, but he wasn't disposed to prosecute
his studies with much energy, and his teacher said that unless he
stirred himself before the end of the year he wouldn't be promoted.
"You must study harder," she told him, "or you won't pass. How would you
like to stay back in this class another year and have little Mary go
ahead of you?"
"Ah," said Tommy. "I guess there'll be other little Marys."
Lulu was watching her mother working among the flowers. "Mama, I know
why flowers grow," she said; "they want to get out of the dirt."
A man went into a southern restaurant not long ago and asked for a piece
of old-fashioned Washington pie. The waiter, not understanding and yet
unwilling to concede his lack of knowledge, brought the customer a piece
of chocolate cake.
"No, no, my friend," said the smiling man. "I meant _George_ Washington,
not _Booker_ Washington."
One day a pastor was calling upon a dear old lady, one of the "pillars"
of the church to which they both belonged. As he thought of her long and
useful life, and looked upon her sweet, placid countenance bearing but
few tokens of her ninety-two years of earthly pilgrimage, he was moved
to ask her, "My dear Mrs. S., what has been the chief source of your
strength and sustenance during all these years? What has appealed to you
as the real basis of your unusual vigor of mind and body, and has been
to you an unfailing comfort through joy and sorrow? Tell me, that I may
pass the secret on to others, and, if possible, profit by it myself."
The old lady thought a moment, then lifting her eyes, dim with age, yet
kindling with sweet memories of the past, answered briefly,
"Victuals."--_Sarah L. Tenney_.
A girl reading in a paper that fish was excellent brain-food wrote to
_Dear Sir_: Seeing as you say how fish is good for the brains, what kind
of fish shall I eat?
To this the editor replied:
_Dear Miss_: Judging from the composition of your letter I should advise
you to eat a whale.
A hungry customer seated himself at a table in a quick-lunch restaurant
and ordered a chicken pie. When it arrived he raised the lid and sat
gazing at the contents intently for a while. Finally he called the
"Look here, Sam," he said, "what did I order?"
"Chicken pie, sah."
"And what have you brought me?"
"Chicken pie, sah."
"Chicken pie, you black rascal!" the customer replied. "Chicken pie?
Why, there's not a piece of chicken in it, and never was."
"Dat's right, boss--dey ain't no chicken in it."
"Then why do you call it chicken pie? I never heard of such a thing."
"Dat's all right, boss. Dey don't have to be no chicken in a chicken
pie. Dey ain't no dog in a dog biscuit, is dey?"
_See also_ Dining.
His SISTER--"His nose seems broken."
His FIANCEE--"And he's lost his front teeth."
His MOTHER--"But he didn't drop the ball!"--_Life_.
A boy stood with one foot on the sidewalk and the other on the step of a
Ford automobile. A playmate passed him, looked at his position, then
sang out: "Hey, Bobbie, have you lost your other skate?"
A farmer noticing a man in automobile garb standing in the road and
gazing upward, asked him if he were watching the birds.
"No," he answered, "I was cranking my Ford car and my hand slipped off
and the thing got away and went straight up in the air."
A lady in a southern town was approached by her colored maid.
"Well, Jenny?" she asked, seeing that something was in the air.
"Please, Mis' Mary, might I have the aft'noon off three weeks frum
Wednesday?" Then, noticing an undecided look in her mistress's face, she
added hastily--"I want to go to my finance's fun'ral."
"Goodness me," answered the lady--"Your finance's funeral! Why, you
don't know that he's even going to die, let alone the date of his
funeral. That is something we can't any of us be sure about--when we are
going to die."
"Yes'm," said the girl doubtfully. Then, with a triumphant note in her
voice--"I'se sure about him, Mis', 'cos he's goin' to be hung!"
"They tell me you're working 'ard night an' day, Sarah?" her bosom
friend Ann said.
"Yes," returned Sarah. "I'm under bonds to keep the peace for pullin'
the whiskers out of that old scoundrel of a husban' of mine, and the
Magistrate said that if I come afore 'im ag'in, or laid me 'ands on the
old man, he'd fine me forty shillin's!"
"And so you're working 'ard to keep out of mischief?"
"Not much; I'm workin' 'ard to save up the fine!"
"Mike, I wish I knew where I was goin' to die. I'd give a thousand
dollars to know the place where I'm goin' to die."
"Well, Pat, what good would it do if yez knew?"
"Lots," said Pat. "Shure I'd never go near that place."
There once was a pious young priest,
Who lived almost wholly on yeast;
"For," he said, "it is plain
We must all rise again,
And I want to get started, at least."
HER FATHER--"So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you
fixed the day of the wedding?"
SUITOR--"I will leave that to my fiancee."
H.F.--"Will you have a church or a private wedding?"
S.--"Her mother can decide that, sir."
H.F.--"What have you to live on?"
S.--"I will leave that entirely to you, sir."
The London consul of a continental kingdom was informed by his
government that one of his countrywomen, supposed to be living in Great
Britain, had been left a large fortune. After advertising without
result, he applied to the police, and a smart young detective was set to
work. A few weeks later his chief asked how he was getting on.
"I've found the lady, sir."
"Good! Where is she?"
"At my place. I married her yesterday."
"I would die for you," said the rich suitor.
"How soon?" asked the practical girl.
HE--"I'd like to meet Miss Bond."
"I hear she has thirty thousand a year and no incumbrance."
"Is she looking for one?"--_Life_.
MAUDE--"I've just heard of a case where a man married a girl on his
deathbed so she could have his millions when he was gone. Could you love
a girl like that?"
JACK--"That's just the kind of a girl I could love. What's her address?"
"Yes," said the old man to his young visitor, "I am proud of my girls,
and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a
little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is
Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her
$1,000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five
again, and I shall give her $3,000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is
forty, will have $5,000 with her."
The young man reflected for a moment and then inquired: "You haven't one
about fifty, have you?"
"Fust time you've ever milked a cow, is it?" said Uncle Josh to his
visiting nephew. "Wal, y' do it a durn sight better'n most city fellers
"It seems to come natural somehow," said the youth, flushing with
pleasure. "I've had a good deal of practice with a fountain pen."
"Percy" asks if we know anything which will change the color of the
fingers when they have become yellow from cigarette smoking.
He might try using one of the inferior makes of fountain pens.
FOURTH OF JULY
"You are in favor of a safe and sane Fourth of July?"
"Yes," replied Mr. Growcher. "We ought to have that kind of a day at
least once a year."
One Fourth of July night in London, the Empire Music Hall advertised
special attractions to American visitors. All over the auditorium the
Union Jack and Stars and Stripes enfolded one another, and at the
interludes were heard "Yankee Doodle" and "Hail Columbia," while a
quartette sang "Down upon the Swanee River." It was an occasion to swell
the heart of an exiled patriot. Finally came the turn of the Human
Encyclopedia, who advanced to the front of the stage and announced
himself ready to answer, sight unseen, all questions the audience might
propound. A volley of queries was fired at him, and the Encyclopedia
breathlessly told the distance of the earth from Mars, the number of
bones in the human skeleton, of square miles in the British Empire, and
other equally important facts. There was a brief pause, in which an
American stood up.
"What great event took place July 4, 1776?" he propounded in a loud glad
The Human Encyclopedia glared at him. "Th' hincident you speak of, sir,
was a hinfamous houtrage!"
TOMMY--"Pop, what is a freethinker?"
POP--"A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't married."
"I understand you speak French like a native."
"No," replied the student; "I've got the grammar and the accent down
pretty fine. But it's hard to learn the gestures."
In Paris last summer a southern girl was heard to drawl between the acts
of "Chantecler": "I think it's mo' fun when you don't understand French.
It sounds mo' like chickens!"--_Life_.
_See_ College Students.
The Lord gives our relatives,
Thank God we can choose our friends.
"Well, what is it?"
"It says here, 'A man is known by the company he keeps.'
Is that so, Father?"
"Yes, yes, yes."
"Well, Father, if a good man keeps company with a bad
man, is the good man bad because he keeps company with the
bad man, and is the bad man good because he keeps company
with the good man?"--_Punch_.
Here's champagne to our real friends.
And real pain to our sham friends.
It's better to make friends fast
Than to make fast friends.
Some friends are a habit--some a luxury.
A friend is one who overlooks your virtues and appreciates your faults.
FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF
A visitor to Philadelphia, unfamiliar with the garb of the Society of
Friends, was much interested in two demure and placid Quakeresses who
took seats directly behind her in the Broad Street Station. After a few
minutes' silence she was somewhat startled to hear a gentle voice
inquire: "Sister Kate, will thee go to the counter and have a milk punch
on me?"--_Carolina Lockhart_.
Friendly may we part and quickly meet again.
In every sip
Of friendship's brew.
May we all travel through the world and sow it thick with friendship.
Here's to the four hinges of Friendship--
Swearing, Lying, Stealing and Drinking.
When you swear, swear by your country;
When you lie, lie for a pretty woman,
When you steal, steal away from bad company
And when you drink, drink with me.
The trouble with having friends is the upkeep.
"Brown volunteered to lend me money."
"Did you take it?"
"No. That sort of friendship is too good to lose."
"I let my house furnished, and they've had measles there. Of course
we've had the place disinfected; so I suppose it's quite safe. What do
"I fancy it would be all right, dear; but I think, perhaps, it would be
safer to lend it to a friend first."--_Punch_.
"Hoo is it, Jeemes, that you mak' sic an enairmous profit aff yer
potatoes? Yer price is lower than ony ither in the toon and ye mak'
extra reductions for yer freends."
"Weel, ye see, I knock aff twa shillin's a ton beacuse a customer is a
freend o' mine, an' then I jist tak' twa hundert-weight aff the ton
because I'm a freend o' his."--_Punch_.
The conductor of a western freight train saw a tramp stealing a ride on
one of the forward cars. He told the brakeman in the caboose to go up
and put the man off at the next stop. When the brakeman approached the
tramp, the latter waved a big revolver and told him to keep away.
"Did you get rid of him?" the conductor asked the brakeman, when the
train was under motion again.
"I hadn't the heart," was the reply. "He turned out to be an old school
friend of mine."
"I'll take care of him," said the conductor, as he started over the tops
of the cars.
After the train had made another stop and gone on, the brakeman came
into the caboose and said to the conductor:
"Well, is he off?"
"No; he turned out to be an old school friend of mine, too."
If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through life,
he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep his
friendship in constant repair.--_Samuel Johnson_.
They say, and I am glad they say,
It is so; and it may be so;
It may be just the other way,
I cannot tell, but this I know--
From quiet homes and first beginnings
Out to the undiscovered ends
There's nothing worth the wear of winning
Save laughter and the love of friends.
Fun is like life insurance, th' older you git th' more it costs.--_Abe
_See also_ Amusements.
There was an old man in a hearse,
Who murmured, "This might have been worse;
Of course the expense
Is simply immense,
But it doesn't come out of my purse."
GUEST--"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost you?"
HOST--"Five hundred dollars. A hundred and fifty for it and the rest for
furniture to match."
A certain young man's friends thought he was dead, but he was only in a
state of coma. When, in ample time to avoid being buried, he showed
signs of life, he was asked how it seemed to be dead.
"Dead?" he exclaimed. "I wasn't dead. I knew all that was going on. And
I knew I wasn't dead, too, because my feet were cold and I was hungry."
"But how did that fact make you think you were still alive?" asked one
of the curious.
"Well, this way; I knew that if I were in heaven I wouldn't be hungry.
And if I was in the other place my feet wouldn't be cold."
FATHER (impressively)--"Suppose I should be taken away suddenly, what
would become of you, my boy?"
IRREVERENT SON--"I'd stay here. The question is, What would become of
"Look here, now, Harold," said a father to his little son, who was
naughty, "if you don't say your prayers you won't go to Heaven."
"I don't want to go to Heaven," sobbed the boy; "I want to go with you
On a voyage across the ocean an Irishman died and was about to be buried
at sea. His friend Mike was the chief mourner at the burial service, at
the conclusion of which those in charge wrapped the body in canvas
preparatory to dropping it overboard. It is customary to place heavy
shot with a body to insure its immediate sinking, but in this instance,
nothing else being available, a large lump of coal was substituted.
Mike's cup of sorrow overflowed his eyes, and he tearfully exclaimed,
"Oh, Pat, I knew you'd never get to heaven, but, begorry, I didn't think
you'd have to furnish your own fuel."
An Irishman told a man that he had fallen so low in this life that in
the next he would have to climb up hill to get into hell.
When P.T. Barnum was at the head of his "great moral show," it was his
rule to send complimentary tickets to clergymen, and the custom is
continued to this day. Not long ago, after the Reverend Doctor Walker
succeeded to the pastorate of the Reverend Doctor Hawks, in Hartford,
there came to the parsonage, addressed to Doctor Hawks, tickets for the
circus, with the compliments of the famous showman. Doctor Walker
studied the tickets for a moment, and then remarked:
"Doctor Hawks is dead and Mr. Barnum is dead; evidently they haven't
Archbishop Ryan once attended a dinner given him by the citizens of
Philadelphia and a brilliant company of men was present. Among others
were the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad; ex-Attorney-General
MacVeagh, counsel for the road, and other prominent railroad men.
Mr. MacVeagh, in talking to the guest of the evening, said: "Your Grace,
among others you see here a great many railroad men. There is a
peculiarity of railroad men that even on social occasions you will find
that they always take their lawyer with them. That is why I am here.
They never go anywhere without their counsel. Now they have nearly
everything that men want, but I have a suggestion to make to you for an
exchange with us. We can give free passes on all the railroads of the
country. Now if you would only give us--say a free pass to Paradise by
way of exchange."
"Ah, no," said His Grace, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "that would
never do. I would not like to separate them from their counsel."
Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just before they
go a fishin'.--_Abe Martin_.
"I am going to start a garden," announced Mr. Subbubs. "A few months
from now I won't be kicking about your prices."
"No," said the grocer; "you'll be wondering how I can afford to sell
vegetables so cheap."
A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not be
contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for many
years. She sent for old mammy, and the servant arrived in due season. It
so happened that the Georgia woman had to leave town the very day mammy
arrived. Before departing she had just time to explain to mammy the
modern conveniences with which her apartment was furnished. The gas
stove was the contrivance which interested the colored woman most. After
the mistress of the household had lighted the oven, the broiler, and the
other burners and felt certain the old servant understood its
operations, the mistress hurried for her train.
She was absent for two weeks and one of her first questions to mammy was
how she had worried along.
"De fines' ever," was the reply. "And dat air gas stove--O my! Why do
you know, Miss Flo'ence, dat fire aint gone out yit."
"This is a foine country, Bridget!" exclaimed Norah, who had but
recently arrived in the United States. "Sure, it's generous everybody
is. I asked at the post-office about sindin' money to me mither, and the
young man tells me I can get a money order for $10 for 10 cents. Think
of that now!"
At one of these reunions of the Blue and the Gray so happily common of
late, a northern veteran, who had lost both arms and both legs in the
service, caused himself to be posted in a conspicuous place to receive
alms. The response to his appeal was generous and his cup rapidly
Nobody gave him more than a dime, however, except a grizzled warrior of
the lost cause, who plumped in a dollar. And not content, he presently
came that way again and plumped in another dollar.
The cripple's gratitude did not quite extinguish his curiosity. "Why,"
he inquired, "do you, who fought on the other side, give me so much more
than any of those who were my comrades in arms?"
The old rebel smiled grimly. "Because," he replied, "you're the first
Yank I ever saw trimmed up just to suit me."
At dinner one day, it was noticed that a small daughter of the minister
was putting aside all the choice pieces of chicken and her father asked
her why she did that. She explained that she was saving them for her
dog. Her father told her there were plenty of bones the dog could have
so she consented to eat the dainty bits. Later she collected the bones
and took them to the dog saying, "I meant to give a free will offering
but it is only a collection."
A little newsboy with a cigarette in his mouth entered a notion store
and asked for a match.
"We only _sell_ matches," said the storekeeper.
"How much are they?" asked the future citizen.
"Penny a box," was the answer.
"Gimme a box," said the boy.
He took one match, lit the cigarette, and handed the box back over the
counter, saying, "Here, take it and put it on de shelf, and when anodder
sport comes and asks for a match, give him one on me."
Little Ralph belonged to a family of five. One morning he came into the
house carrying five stones which he brought to his mother, saying:
"Look, mother, here are tombstones for each one of us."
The mother, counting them, said:
"Here is one for father, dear! Here is one for mother! Here is
brother's! Here is the baby's; but there is none for Delia, the maid."
Ralph was lost in thought for a moment, then cheerfully cried:
"Oh, well, never mind, mother; Delia can have mine, and I'll live!"
She was making the usual female search for her purse when the conductor
came to collect the fares.
Her companion meditated silently for a moment, then, addressing the
"Let us divide this Mabel; you fumble and I'll pay."
"Sadie, what is a gentleman?"
"Please, ma'am," she answered, "a gentleman's a man you don't know very
Two characters in Jeffery Farnol's "Amateur Gentleman" give these
definitions of a gentleman:
"A gentleman is a fellow who goes to a university, but doesn't have to
learn anything; who goes out into the world, but doesn't have to work at
anything; and who has never been black-balled at any of the clubs."
"A gentleman is (I take it) one born with the God-like capacity to think
and feel for others, irrespective of their rank or condition.... One who
possesses an ideal so lofty, a mind so delicate, that it lifts him above
all things ignoble and base, yet strengthens his hands to raise those
who are fallen--no matter how low."
The poet Heine and Baron James Rothschild were close friends. At the
dinner table of the latter the financier asked the poet why he was so
silent, when usually so gay and full of witty remarks.
"Quite right," responded Heine, "but to-night I have exchanged views
with my German friends and my head is fearfully empty."
"I confess, that the subject of psychical research makes no great appeal
to me," Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of coal-tar dyes, told
some friends in New York recently. "Personally, in the course of a
fairly long career, I have heard at first hand but one ghost story. Its
hero was a man whom I may as well call Snooks.
"Snooks, visiting at a country house, was put in the haunted chamber for
the night. He said that he did not feel the slightest uneasiness, but
nevertheless, just as a matter of precaution, he took to bed with him a
revolver of the latest American pattern.
"He slept peacefully enough until the clock struck two, when he awoke
with an unpleasant feeling of oppression. He raised his head and peered
about him. The room was wanly illumined by the full moon, and in that
weird, bluish light he thought he discerned a small, white hand clasping
the rail at the foot of the bed.
"'Who's there?' he asked tremulously.
"There was no reply. The small white hand did not move.
"'Who's there?' he repeated. 'Answer me or I'll shoot.'
"Again there was no reply.
"Snooks cautiously raised himself, took careful aim and fired.
"From that night on he's limped. Shot off two of his own toes."
When Lawrence Barrett's daughter was married Stuart Robson sent a check
for $5000 to the bridegroom. The comedian's daughter, Felicia Robson,
who attended the wedding conveyed the gift.
"Felicia," said her father upon her return, "did you give him the
"Yes, Father," answered the daughter.
"What did he say?" asked Robson.
"He didn't say anything," replied Miss Felicia, "but he shed tears."
"How long did he cry?"
"Why Father, I didn't time him. I should say, however, that he wept
fully a minute."
"Fully a minute," mused Robson. "Why, Daughter, I cried an hour after I
A church house in a certain rural district was sadly in need of repairs.
The official board had called a meeting of the parishioners to see what
could be done toward raising the necessary funds. One of the wealthiest
and stingiest of the adherents of that church arose and said that he
would give five dollars, and sat down.
Just then a bit of plastering fell from the ceiling and hit him squarely
upon the head. Whereupon he jumped up, looked confused and said:
"I--er--I meant I'll give fifty dollars!" then again resumed his seat.
After a brief silence a voice was heard to say: "O Lord, hit 'im again!"
He gives twice who gives quickly because the collectors come around
later on and hit him for another subscription.--_Puck_.
"Presents," I often say, "endear Absents."--_Charles Lamb_.
In giving, a man receives more than he gives, and the more is in
proportion to the worth of the thing given.--_George MacDonald_.
_See also_ Christmas gifts.
A clergyman was quite ill as a result of eating many pieces of mince
A brother minister visited him and asked him if he was afraid to die.
"No," the sick man replied, "But I should be ashamed to die from eating
There was a young person named Ned,
Who dined before going to bed,
On lobster and ham
And salad and jam,
And when he awoke he was dead.
Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to the hour.
As they were parting to go supperward Sandy said to Jock:
"Jock, mon, I'll go ye a roond on the links in the morrn'."
"The morrn'?" Jock repeated.
"Aye, mon, the morrn'," said Sandy. "I'll go ye a roond on the links in
"Aye, weel," said Jock, "I'll go ye. But I had intended to get marriet
in the morrn'."
GOLFER (unsteadied by Christmas luncheon) to Opponent--
"Sir, I wish you clearly to understand that I resent your
unwarrant--your interference with my game, sir! Tilt the green once
more, sir, and I chuck the match."
Doctor William S. Rainsford is an inveterate golf player. When he was
rector of St. George's Church, in New York City, he was badly beaten on
the links by one of his vestrymen. To console the clergyman the
vestryman ventured to say: "Never mind, Doctor, you'll get satisfaction
some day when I pass away. Then you'll read the burial service over me."
"I don't see any satisfaction in that," answered the clergy-man, "for
you'll still be in the hole."
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Willie, do you know what beomes of boys who use
bad language when they're playing marbles?"
WILLIE--"Yes, miss. They grow up and play golf."
The game of golf, as every humorist knows, is conducive to profanity. It
is also a terrible strain on veracity, every man being his own umpire.
Four men were playing golf on a course where the hazard on the ninth
hole was a deep ravine.
They drove off. Three went into the ravine and one managed to get his
ball over. The three who had dropped into the ravine walked up to have a
look. Two of them decided not to try to play their balls out and gave up
the hole. The third said he would go down and play out his ball. He
disappeared into the deep crevasse. Presently his ball came bobbing out
and after a time he climbed up.
"How many strokes?" asked one of his opponents.
"But I heard six."
"Three of them were echoes!"
When Mark Twain came to Washington to try to get a decent copyright law
passed, a representative took him out to Chevy Chase.
Mark Twain refused to play golf himself, but he consented to walk over
the course and watch the representative's strokes. The representative
was rather a duffer. Teeing off, he sent clouds of earth flying in all
directions. Then, to hide his confusion he said to his guest: "What do
you think of our links here, Mr. Clemens?"
"Best I ever tasted," said Mark Twain, as he wiped the dirt from his
lips with his handkerchief.
A glass is good, a lass is good,
And a pipe to smoke in cold weather,
The world is good and the people are good,
And we're all good fellows together.
May good humor preside when good fellows meet,
And reason prescribe when'tis time to retreat.
Here's to us that are here, to you that are there, and the rest of us
Here's to all the world,--
For fear some darn fool may take offence.
A gossip is a person who syndicates his conversation.--_Dick Dickinson_.
Gossips are the spies of life.
"However did you reconcile Adele and Mary?"
"I gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat it to
The seven-year-old daughter of a prominent suburban resident is, the
neighbors say, a precocious youngster; at all events, she knows the ways
of the world.
Her mother had occasion to punish her one day last week for a
particularly mischievous prank, and after she had talked it over very
solemnly sent the little girl up to her room.