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The Double-Dealer by William Congreve

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by William Congreve

Interdum tamen et vocem Comoedia tollit.--HOR. Ar. Po.
Huic equidem consilio palmam do: hic me magnifice
effero, qui vim tantam in me et potestatem habeam
tantae astutiae, vera dicendo ut eos ambos fallam.

SYR. in TERENT. Heaut.


Sir,--I heartily wish this play were as perfect as I intended it,
that it might be more worthy your acceptance, and that my dedication
of it to you might be more becoming that honour and esteem which I,
with everybody who is so fortunate as to know you, have for you. It
had your countenance when yet unknown; and now it is made public, it
wants your protection.

I would not have anybody imagine that I think this play without its
faults, for I am conscious of several. I confess I designed
(whatever vanity or ambition occasioned that design) to have written
a true and regular comedy, but I found it an undertaking which put
to make amends for the vanity of such a design, I do confess both
the attempt and the imperfect performance. Yet I must take the
boldness to say I have not miscarried in the whole, for the
mechanical part of it is regular. That I may say with as little
vanity as a builder may say he has built a house according to the
model laid down before him, or a gardener that he has set his
flowers in a knot of such or such a figure. I designed the moral
first, and to that moral I invented the fable, and do not know that
I have borrowed one hint of it anywhere. I made the plot as strong
as I could because it was single, and I made it single because I
would avoid confusion, and was resolved to preserve the three
unities of the drama. Sir, this discourse is very impertinent to
you, whose judgment much better can discern the faults than I can
excuse them; and whose good nature, like that of a lover, will find
out those hidden beauties (if there are any such) which it would be
great immodesty for me to discover. I think I don't speak
improperly when I call you a LOVER of poetry; for it is very well
known she has been a very kind mistress to you: she has not denied
you the last favour, and she has been fruitful to you in a most
beautiful issue. If I break off abruptly here, I hope everybody
will understand that it is to avoid a commendation which, as it is
your due, would be most easy for me to pay, and too troublesome for
you to receive.

I have since the acting of this play harkened after the objections
which have been made to it, for I was conscious where a true critic
might have put me upon my defence. I was prepared for the attack,
and am pretty confident I could have vindicated some parts and
excused others; and where there were any plain miscarriages, I would
most ingenuously have confessed 'em. But I have not heard anything
said sufficient to provoke an answer. That which looks most like an
objection does not relate in particular to this play, but to all or
most that ever have been written, and that is soliloquy. Therefore
I will answer it, not only for my own sake, but to save others the
trouble, to whom it may hereafter be objected.

I grant that for a man to talk to himself appears absurd and
unnatural, and indeed it is so in most cases; but the circumstances
which may attend the occasion make great alteration. It oftentimes
happens to a man to have designs which require him to himself, and
in their nature cannot admit of a confidant. Such for certain is
all villainy, and other less mischievous intentions may be very
improper to be communicated to a second person. In such a case,
therefore, the audience must observe whether the person upon the
stage takes any notice of them at all or no. For if he supposes any
one to be by when he talks to himself, it is monstrous and
ridiculous to the last degree. Nay, not only in this case, but in
any part of a play, if there is expressed any knowledge of an
audience, it is insufferable. But otherwise, when a man in
soliloquy reasons with himself, and PRO'S and CON'S, and weighs all
his designs, we ought not to imagine that this man either talks to
us or to himself; he is only thinking, and thinking such matter as
were inexcusable folly in him to speak. But because we are
concealed spectators of the plot in agitation, and the poet finds it
necessary to let us know the whole mystery of his contrivance, he is
willing to inform us of this person's thoughts; and to that end is
forced to make use of the expedient of speech, no other better way
being yet invented for the communication of thought.

Another very wrong objection has been made by some who have not
taken leisure to distinguish the characters. The hero of the play,
as they are pleased to call him (meaning Mellefont), is a gull, and
made a fool, and cheated. Is every man a gull and a fool that is
deceived? At that rate I'm afraid the two classes of men will be
reduced to one, and the knaves themselves be at a loss to justify
their title. But if an open-hearted honest man, who has an entire
confidence in one whom he takes to be his friend, and whom he has
obliged to be so, and who, to confirm him in his opinion, in all
appearance and upon several trials has been so: if this man be
deceived by the treachery of the other, must he of necessity
commence fool immediately, only because the other has proved a
villain? Ay, but there was caution given to Mellefont in the first
act by his friend Careless. Of what nature was that caution? Only
to give the audience some light into the character of Maskwell
before his appearance, and not to convince Mellefont of his
treachery; for that was more than Careless was then able to do: he
never knew Maskwell guilty of any villainy; he was only a sort of
man which he did not like. As for his suspecting his familiarity
with my Lady Touchwood, let 'em examine the answer that Mellefont
makes him, and compare it with the conduct of Maskwell's character
through the play.

I would beg 'em again to look into the character of Maskwell before
they accuse Mellefont of weakness for being deceived by him. For
upon summing up the enquiry into this objection, it may be found
they have mistaken cunning in one character for folly in another.

But there is one thing at which I am more concerned than all the
false criticisms that are made upon me, and that is, some of the
ladies are offended. I am heartily sorry for it, for I declare I
would rather disoblige all the critics in the world than one of the
fair sex. They are concerned that I have represented some women
vicious and affected. How can I help it? It is the business of a
comic poet to paint the vices and follies of humankind; and there
are but two sexes, male and female, MEN and WOMEN, which have a
title to humanity, and if I leave one half of them out, the work
will be imperfect. I should be very glad of an opportunity to make
my compliment to those ladies who are offended; but they can no more
expect it in a comedy than to be tickled by a surgeon when he's
letting 'em blood. They who are virtuous or discreet should not be
offended, for such characters as these distinguish THEM, and make
their beauties more shining and observed; and they who are of the
other kind may nevertheless pass for such, by seeming not to be
displeased or touched with the satire of this COMEDY. Thus have
they also wrongfully accused me of doing them a prejudice, when I
have in reality done them a service.

You will pardon me, sir, for the freedom I take of making answers to
other people in an epistle which ought wholly to be sacred to you;
but since I intend the play to be so too, I hope I may take the more
liberty of justifying it where it is in the right.

I must now, sir, declare to the world how kind you have been to my
endeavours; for in regard of what was well meant, you have excused
what was ill performed. I beg you would continue the same method in
your acceptance of this dedication. I know no other way of making a
return to that humanity you shewed, in protecting an infant, but by
enrolling it in your service, now that it is of age and come into
the world. Therefore be pleased to accept of this as an
acknowledgment of the favour you have shewn me, and an earnest of
the real service and gratitude of,

Sir, your most obliged, humble servant,



Well then, the promised hour is come at last;
The present age of wit obscures the past.
Strong were our sires; and as they fought they writ,
Conqu'ring with force of arms and dint of wit.
Theirs was the giant race, before the flood;
And thus, when Charles returned, our empire stood.
Like Janus he the stubborn soil manured,
With rules of husbandry the rankness cured,
Tamed us to manners, when the stage was rude,
And boist'rous English wit with art indued.
Our age was cultivated thus at length;
But what we gained in skill we lost in strength.
Our builders were with want of genius curst;
The second temple was not like the first:
Till you, the best Vitruvius, come at length,
Our beauties equal, but excel our strength.
Firm Doric pillars found your solid base,
The fair Corinthian crowns the higher space;
Thus all below is strength, and all above is grace.
In easy dialogue is Fletcher's praise:
He moved the mind, but had no power to raise.
Great Johnson did by strength of judgment please
Yet doubling Fletcher's force, he wants ease.
In diff'ring talents both adorned their age;
One for the study, t'other for the stage.
But both to Congreve justly shall submit,
One matched in judgment, both o'er-matched in wit.
In him all beauties of this age we see,
Etherege his courtship, Southern's purity,
The satire, wit, and strength of manly Wycherly.
All this in blooming youth you have achieved,
Nor are your foiled contemporaries grieved;
So much the sweetness of your manners move,
We cannot envy you, because we love.
Fabius might joy in Scipio, when he saw
A beardless consul made against the law,
And join his suffrage to the votes of Rome;
Though he with Hannibal was overcome.
Thus old Romano bowed to Raphael's fame,
And scholar to the youth he taught became.

O that your brows my laurel had sustained,
Well had I been deposed if you had reigned!
The father had descended for the son,
For only you are lineal to the throne.
Thus when the state one Edward did depose,
A greater Edward in his room arose.
But now, not I, but poetry is cursed;
For Tom the Second reigns like Tom the First.
But let 'em not mistake my patron's part,
Nor call his charity their own desert.
Yet this I prophesy: Thou shalt be seen
(Though with some short parenthesis between)
High on the throne of wit; and seated there,
Not mine (that's little) but thy laurel wear.
Thy first attempt an early promise made;
That early promise this has more than paid.
So bold, yet so judiciously you dare,
That your least praise is to be regular.
Time, place, and action may with pains be wrought,
But genius must be born, and never can be taught.
This is your portion, this your native store,
Heav'n, that but once was prodigal before,
To Shakespeare gave as much; she could not give him more.

Maintain your post: that's all the fame you need;
For 'tis impossible you should proceed.
Already I am worn with cares and age,
And just abandoning th' ungrateful stage:
Unprofitably kept at heav'n's expense,
I live a rent-charge on his providence.
But you, whom every muse and grace adorn,
Whom I foresee to better fortune born,
Be kind to my remains; and oh, defend,
Against your judgment, your departed friend!
Let not th' insulting foe my fame pursue;
But shade those laurels which descend to you:
And take for tribute what these lines express:
You merit more; nor could my love do less.


PROLOGUE--Spoken by Mrs. Bracegirdle.

Moors have this way (as story tells) to know
Whether their brats are truly got or no;
Into the sea the new-born babe is thrown,
There, as instinct directs, to swim or drown.
A barbarous device, to try if spouse
Has kept religiously her nuptial vows.

Such are the trials poets make of plays,
Only they trust to more inconstant seas;
So does our author, this his child commit
To the tempestuous mercy of the pit,
To know if it be truly born of wit.

Critics avaunt, for you are fish of prey,
And feed, like sharks, upon an infant play.
Be ev'ry monster of the deep away;
Let's have a fair trial and a clear sea.

Let nature work, and do not damn too soon,
For life will struggle long e'er it sink down:
And will at least rise thrice before it drown.
Let us consider, had it been our fate,
Thus hardly to be proved legitimate:
I will not say, we'd all in danger been,
Were each to suffer for his mother's sin:
But by my troth I cannot avoid thinking,
How nearly some good men might have 'scaped sinking.
But, heav'n be praised, this custom is confined
Alone to th' offspring of the muses kind:
Our Christian cuckolds are more bent to pity;
I know not one Moor-husband in the city.
I' th' good man's arms the chopping bastard thrives,
For he thinks all his own that is his wives'.

Whatever fate is for this play designed,
The poet's sure he shall some comfort find:
For if his muse has played him false, the worst
That can befall him, is, to be divorced:
You husbands judge, if that be to be cursed.



MASKWELL, a villain; pretended friend to Mellefont, gallant to Lady
Touchwood, and in love with Cynthia,--Mr. Betterton

LORD TOUCHWOOD, uncle to Mellefont,--Mr. Kynaston

MELLEFONT, promised to, and in love with Cynthia,--Mr. Williams

CARELESS, his friend,--Mr. Verbruggen

LORD FROTH, a solemn coxcomb,--Mr. Bowman

BRISK, a pert coxcomb,--Mr. Powell

SIR PAUL PLYANT, an uxorious, foolish old knight; brother to Lady
Touchwood, and father to Cynthia,--Mr. Dogget


LADY TOUCHWOOD, in love with Mellefont,--Mrs. Barry

CYNTHIA, daughter to Sir Paul by a former wife, promised to
Mellefont,--Mrs. Bracegirdle

LADY FROTH, a great coquette; pretender to poetry, wit, and
learning,--Mrs. Mountfort

LADY PLYANT, insolent to her husband, and easy to any pretender,--
Mrs. Leigh


THE SCENE: A gallery in the Lord Touchwood's house, with chambers


A gallery in the Lord Touchwood's home, with chambers adjoining.

Enter CARELESS, crossing the stage, with his hat, gloves, and sword
in his hands; as just risen from table: MELLEFONT following him.

MEL. Ned, Ned, whither so fast? What, turned flincher! Why, you
wo' not leave us?

CARE. Where are the women? I'm weary of guzzling, and begin to
think them the better company.

MEL. Then thy reason staggers, and thou'rt almost drunk.

CARE. No, faith, but your fools grow noisy; and if a man must
endure the noise of words without sense, I think the women have more
musical voices, and become nonsense better.

MEL. Why, they are at the end of the gallery; retired to their tea
and scandal, according to their ancient custom, after dinner. But I
made a pretence to follow you, because I had something to say to you
in private, and I am not like to have many opportunities this

CARE. And here's this coxcomb most critically come to interrupt


[To them] BRISK.

BRISK. Boys, boys, lads, where are you? What, do you give ground?
Mortgage for a bottle, ha? Careless, this is your trick; you're
always spoiling company by leaving it.

CARE. And thou art always spoiling company by coming in o't.

BRISK. Pooh, ha, ha, ha, I know you envy me. Spite, proud spite,
by the gods! and burning envy. I'll be judged by Mellefont here,
who gives and takes raillery better than you or I. Pshaw, man, when
I say you spoil company by leaving it, I mean you leave nobody for
the company to laugh at. I think there I was with you. Ha,

MEL. O' my word, Brisk, that was a home thrust; you have silenced

BRISK. Oh, my dear Mellefont, let me perish if thou art not the
soul of conversation, the very essence of wit and spirit of wine.
The deuce take me if there were three good things said, or one
understood, since thy amputation from the body of our society. He,
I think that's pretty and metaphorical enough; i'gad I could not
have said it out of thy company. Careless, ha?

CARE. Hum, ay, what is't?

BRISK. O MON COEUR! What is't! Nay, gad, I'll punish you for want
of apprehension. The deuce take me if I tell you.

MEL. No, no, hang him, he has no taste. But, dear Brisk, excuse
me, I have a little business.

CARE. Prithee get thee gone; thou seest we are serious.

MEL. We'll come immediately, if you'll but go in and keep up good
humour and sense in the company. Prithee do, they'll fall asleep

BRISK. I'gad, so they will. Well, I will, I will; gad, you shall
command me from the Zenith to the Nadir. But the deuce take me if I
say a good thing till you come. But prithee, dear rogue, make
haste, prithee make haste, I shall burst else. And yonder your
uncle, my Lord Touchwood, swears he'll disinherit you, and Sir Paul
Plyant threatens to disclaim you for a son-in-law, and my Lord Froth
won't dance at your wedding to-morrow; nor, the deuce take me, I
won't write your Epithalamium--and see what a condition you're like
to be brought to.

MEL. Well, I'll speak but three words, and follow you.

BRISK. Enough, enough. Careless, bring your apprehension along
with you.



CARE. Pert coxcomb.

MEL. Faith, 'tis a good-natured coxcomb, and has very entertaining
follies. You must be more humane to him; at this juncture it will
do me service. I'll tell you, I would have mirth continued this day
at any rate; though patience purchase folly, and attention be paid
with noise, there are times when sense may be unseasonable as well
as truth. Prithee do thou wear none to-day, but allow Brisk to have
wit, that thou may'st seem a fool.

CARE. Why, how now, why this extravagant proposition?

MEL. Oh, I would have no room for serious design, for I am jealous
of a plot. I would have noise and impertinence keep my Lady
Touchwood's head from working: for hell is not more busy than her
brain, nor contains more devils than that imaginations.

CARE. I thought your fear of her had been over. Is not to-morrow
appointed for your marriage with Cynthia, and her father, Sir Paul
Plyant, come to settle the writings this day on purpose?

MEL. True; but you shall judge whether I have not reason to be
alarmed. None besides you and Maskwell are acquainted with the
secret of my Aunt Touchwood's violent passion for me. Since my
first refusal of her addresses she has endeavoured to do me all ill
offices with my uncle, yet has managed 'em with that subtilty, that
to him they have borne the face of kindness; while her malice, like
a dark lanthorn, only shone upon me where it was directed. Still,
it gave me less perplexity to prevent the success of her displeasure
than to avoid the importunities of her love, and of two evils I
thought myself favoured in her aversion. But whether urged by her
despair and the short prospect of time she saw to accomplish her
designs; whether the hopes of revenge, or of her love, terminated in
the view of this my marriage with Cynthia, I know not, but this
morning she surprised me in my bed.

CARE. Was there ever such a fury! 'Tis well nature has not put it
into her sex's power to ravish. Well, bless us, proceed. What

MEL. What at first amazed me--for I looked to have seen her in all
the transports of a slighted and revengeful woman--but when I
expected thunder from her voice, and lightning in her eyes, I saw
her melted into tears and hushed into a sigh. It was long before
either of us spoke: passion had tied her tongue, and amazement
mine. In short, the consequence was thus, she omitted nothing that
the most violent love could urge, or tender words express; which
when she saw had no effect, but still I pleaded honour and nearness
of blood to my uncle, then came the storm I feared at first, for,
starting from my bed-side like a fury, she flew to my sword, and
with much ado I prevented her doing me or herself a mischief.
Having disarmed her, in a gust of passion she left me, and in a
resolution, confirmed by a thousand curses, not to close her eyes
till they had seen my ruin.

CARE. Exquisite woman! But what the devil, does she think thou
hast no more sense than to get an heir upon her body to disinherit
thyself? for as I take it this settlement upon you is, with a
proviso, that your uncle have no children.

MEL. It is so. Well, the service you are to do me will be a
pleasure to yourself: I must get you to engage my Lady Plyant all
this evening, that my pious aunt may not work her to her interest.
And if you chance to secure her to yourself, you may incline her to
mine. She's handsome, and knows it; is very silly, and thinks she
has sense, and has an old fond husband.

CARE. I confess, a very fair foundation for a lover to build upon.

MEL. For my Lord Froth, he and his wife will be sufficiently taken
up with admiring one another and Brisk's gallantry, as they call it.
I'll observe my uncle myself, and Jack Maskwell has promised me to
watch my aunt narrowly, and give me notice upon any suspicion. As
for Sir Paul, my wise father-in-law that is to be, my dear Cynthia
has such a share in his fatherly fondness, he would scarce make her
a moment uneasy to have her happy hereafter.

CARE. So you have manned your works; but I wish you may not have
the weakest guard where the enemy is strongest.

MEL. Maskwell, you mean; prithee why should you suspect him?

CARE. Faith I cannot help it; you know I never liked him: I am a
little superstitious in physiognomy.

MEL. He has obligations of gratitude to bind him to me: his
dependence upon my uncle is through my means.

CARE. Upon your aunt, you mean.

MEL. My aunt!

CARE. I'm mistaken if there be not a familiarity between them you
do not suspect, notwithstanding her passion for you.

MEL. Pooh, pooh! nothing in the world but his design to do me
service; and he endeavours to be well in her esteem, that he may be
able to effect it.

CARE. Well, I shall be glad to be mistaken; but your aunt's
aversion in her revenge cannot be any way so effectually shown as in
bringing forth a child to disinherit you. She is handsome and
cunning and naturally wanton. Maskwell is flesh and blood at best,
and opportunities between them are frequent. His affection to you,
you have confessed, is grounded upon his interest, that you have
transplanted; and should it take root in my lady, I don't see what
you can expect from the fruit.

MEL. I confess the consequence is visible, were your suspicions
just. But see, the company is broke up, let's meet 'em.



LORD TOUCH. Out upon't, nephew. Leave your father-in-law and me to
maintain our ground against young people!

MEL. I beg your lordship's pardon. We were just returning.

SIR PAUL. Were you, son? Gadsbud, much better as it is. Good,
strange! I swear I'm almost tipsy; t'other bottle would have been
too powerful for me,--as sure as can be it would. We wanted your
company, but Mr. Brisk--where is he? I swear and vow he's a most
facetious person, and the best company. And, my Lord Froth, your
lordship is so merry a man, he, he, he.

LORD FROTH. Oh, foy, Sir Paul, what do you mean? Merry! Oh,
barbarous! I'd as lieve you called me fool.

SIR PAUL. Nay, I protest and vow now, 'tis true; when Mr. Brisk
jokes, your lordship's laugh does so become you, he, he, he.

LORD FROTH. Ridiculous! Sir Paul, you're strangely mistaken, I
find champagne is powerful. I assure you, Sir Paul, I laugh at
nobody's jest but my own, or a lady's, I assure you, Sir Paul.

BRISK. How? how, my lord? what, affront my wit! Let me perish, do
I never say anything worthy to be laughed at?

LORD FROTH. Oh, foy, don't misapprehend me; I don't say so, for I
often smile at your conceptions. But there is nothing more
unbecoming a man of quality than to laugh; 'tis such a vulgar
expression of the passion; everybody can laugh. Then especially to
laugh at the jest of an inferior person, or when anybody else of the
same quality does not laugh with one--ridiculous! To be pleased
with what pleases the crowd! Now when I laugh, I always laugh

BRISK. I suppose that's because you laugh at your own jests, i'gad,
ha, ha, ha.

LORD FROTH. He, he, I swear though, your raillery provokes me to a

BRISK. Ay, my lord, it's a sign I hit you in the teeth, if you show

LORD FROTH. He, he, he, I swear that's so very pretty, I can't

CARE. I find a quibble bears more sway in your lordship's face than
a jest.

LORD TOUCH. Sir Paul, if you please we'll retire to the ladies, and
drink a dish of tea to settle our heads.

SIR PAUL. With all my heart. Mr. Brisk, you'll come to us, or call
me when you joke; I'll be ready to laugh incontinently.



MEL. But does your lordship never see comedies?

LORD FROTH. Oh yes, sometimes; but I never laugh.

MEL. No?

LORD FROTH. Oh no; never laugh indeed, sir.

CARE. No! why, what d'ye go there for?

LORD FROTH. To distinguish myself from the commonalty and mortify
the poets; the fellows grow so conceited, when any of their foolish
wit prevails upon the side-boxes. I swear,--he, he, he, I have
often constrained my inclinations to laugh,--he, he, he, to avoid
giving them encouragement.

MEL. You are cruel to yourself, my lord, as well as malicious to

LORD FROTH. I confess I did myself some violence at first, but now
I think I have conquered it.

BRISK. Let me perish, my lord, but there is something very
particular in the humour; 'tis true it makes against wit, and I'm
sorry for some friends of mine that write; but, i'gad, I love to be
malicious. Nay, deuce take me, there's wit in't, too. And wit must
be foiled by wit; cut a diamond with a diamond, no other way, i'gad.

LORD FROTH. Oh, I thought you would not be long before you found
out the wit.

CARE. Wit! In what? Where the devil's the wit in not laughing
when a man has a mind to't?

BRISK. O Lord, why can't you find it out? Why, there 'tis, in the
not laughing. Don't you apprehend me? My lord, Careless is a very
honest fellow, but harkee, you understand me, somewhat heavy, a
little shallow, or so. Why, I'll tell you now, suppose now you come
up to me--nay, prithee, Careless, be instructed. Suppose, as I was
saying, you come up to me holding your sides, and laughing as if you
would--well--I look grave, and ask the cause of this immoderate
mirth. You laugh on still, and are not able to tell me, still I
look grave, not so much as smile.

CARE. Smile, no, what the devil should you smile at, when you
suppose I can't tell you!

BRISK. Pshaw, pshaw, prithee don't interrupt me. But I tell you,
you shall tell me at last, but it shall be a great while first.

CARE. Well, but prithee don't let it be a great while, because I
long to have it over.

BRISK. Well then, you tell me some good jest or some very witty
thing, laughing all the while as if you were ready to die, and I
hear it, and look thus. Would not you be disappointed?

CARE. No; for if it were a witty thing I should not expect you to
understand it.

LORD FROTH. Oh, foy, Mr. Careless, all the world allows Mr. Brisk
to have wit; my wife says he has a great deal. I hope you think her
a judge.

BRISK. Pooh, my lord, his voice goes for nothing; I can't tell how
to make him apprehend. Take it t'other way. Suppose I say a witty
thing to you?

CARE. Then I shall be disappointed indeed.

MEL. Let him alone, Brisk, he is obstinately bent not to be

BRISK. I'm sorry for him, the deuce take me.

MEL. Shall we go to the ladies, my lord?

LORD FROTH. With all my heart; methinks we are a solitude without

MEL. Or what say you to another bottle of champagne?

LORD FROTH. Oh, for the universe not a drop more, I beseech you.
Oh, intemperate! I have a flushing in my face already. [Takes out
a pocket-glass and looks in it.]

BRISK. Let me see, let me see, my lord, I broke my glass that was
in the lid of my snuff-box. Hum! Deuce take me, I have encouraged
a pimple here too. [Takes the glass and looks.]

LORD FROTH. Then you must mortify him with a patch; my wife shall
supply you. Come, gentlemen, ALLONS, here is company coming.



LADY TOUCH. I'll hear no more. You are false and ungrateful; come,
I know you false.

MASK. I have been frail, I confess, madam, for your ladyship's

LADY TOUCH. That I should trust a man whom I had known betray his

MASK. What friend have I betrayed? or to whom?

LADY TOUCH. Your fond friend Mellefont, and to me; can you deny it?

MASK. I do not.

LADY TOUCH. Have you not wronged my lord, who has been a father to
you in your wants, and given you being? Have you not wronged him in
the highest manner, in his bed?

MASK. With your ladyship's help, and for your service, as I told
you before. I can't deny that neither. Anything more, madam?

LADY TOUCH. More! Audacious villain! Oh, what's more, is most my
shame. Have you not dishonoured me?

MASK. No, that I deny; for I never told in all my life: so that
accusation's answered; on to the next.

LADY TOUCH. Death, do you dally with my passion? Insolent devil!
But have a care,--provoke me not; for, by the eternal fire, you
shall not 'scape my vengeance. Calm villain! How unconcerned he
stands, confessing treachery and ingratitude! Is there a vice more
black? Oh, I have excuses thousands for my faults; fire in my
temper, passions in my soul, apt to ev'ry provocation, oppressed at
once with love, and with despair. But a sedate, a thinking villain,
whose black blood runs temperately bad, what excuse can clear?

MASK. Will you be in temper, madam? I would not talk not to be
heard. I have been [she walks about disordered] a very great rogue
for your sake, and you reproach me with it; I am ready to be a rogue
still, to do you service; and you are flinging conscience and honour
in my face, to rebate my inclinations. How am I to behave myself?
You know I am your creature, my life and fortune in your power; to
disoblige you brings me certain ruin. Allow it I would betray you,
I would not be a traitor to myself: I don't pretend to honesty,
because you know I am a rascal; but I would convince you from the
necessity of my being firm to you.

LADY TOUCH. Necessity, impudence! Can no gratitude incline you, no
obligations touch you? Have not my fortune and my person been
subjected to your pleasure? Were you not in the nature of a
servant, and have not I in effect made you lord of all, of me, and
of my lord? Where is that humble love, the languishing, that
adoration, which once was paid me, and everlastingly engaged?

MASK. Fixt, rooted in my heart, whence nothing can remove 'em, yet
you -

LADY TOUCH. Yet, what yet?

MASK. Nay, misconceive me not, madam, when I say I have had a
gen'rous and a faithful passion, which you had never favoured, but
through revenge and policy.


MASK. Look you, madam, we are alone,--pray contain yourself and
hear me. You know you loved your nephew when I first sighed for
you; I quickly found it: an argument that I loved, for with that
art you veiled your passion 'twas imperceptible to all but jealous
eyes. This discovery made me bold; I confess it; for by it I
thought you in my power. Your nephew's scorn of you added to my
hopes; I watched the occasion, and took you, just repulsed by him,
warm at once with love and indignation; your disposition, my
arguments, and happy opportunity accomplished my design; I pressed
the yielding minute, and was blest. How I have loved you since,
words have not shown, then how should words express?

LADY TOUCH. Well, mollifying devil! And have I not met your love
with forward fire?

MASK. Your zeal, I grant, was ardent, but misplaced; there was
revenge in view; that woman's idol had defiled the temple of the
god, and love was made a mock-worship. A son and heir would have
edged young Mellefont upon the brink of ruin, and left him none but
you to catch at for prevention.

LADY TOUCH. Again provoke me! Do you wind me like a larum, only to
rouse my own stilled soul for your diversion? Confusion!

MASK. Nay, madam, I'm gone, if you relapse. What needs this? I
say nothing but what you yourself, in open hours of love, have told
me. Why should you deny it? Nay, how can you? Is not all this
present heat owing to the same fire? Do you not love him still?
How have I this day offended you, but in not breaking off his match
with Cynthia? which, ere to-morrow, shall be done, had you but

LADY TOUCH. How, what said you, Maskwell? Another caprice to
unwind my temper?

MASK. By heav'n, no; I am your slave, the slave of all your
pleasures; and will not rest till I have given you peace, would you
suffer me.

LADY TOUCH. O Maskwell! in vain I do disguise me from thee, thou
know'st me, knowest the very inmost windings and recesses of my
soul. O Mellefont! I burn; married to morrow! Despair strikes me.
Yet my soul knows I hate him too: let him but once be mine, and
next immediate ruin seize him.

MASK. Compose yourself, you shall possess and ruin him too,--will
that please you?

LADY TOUCH. How, how? Thou dear, thou precious villain, how?

MASK. You have already been tampering with my Lady Plyant.

LADY TOUCH. I have: she is ready for any impression I think fit.

MASK. She must be throughly persuaded that Mellefont loves her.

LADY TOUCH. She is so credulous that way naturally, and likes him
so well, that she will believe it faster than I can persuade her.
But I don't see what you can propose from such a trifling design,
for her first conversing with Mellefont will convince her of the

MASK. I know it. I don't depend upon it. But it will prepare
something else, and gain us leisure to lay a stronger plot. If I
gain a little time, I shall not want contrivance.

One minute gives invention to destroy,
What to rebuild will a whole age employ.



CYNT. Indeed, madam! Is it possible your ladyship could have been
so much in love?

LADY FROTH. I could not sleep; I did not sleep one wink for three
weeks together.

CYNT. Prodigious! I wonder want of sleep, and so much love and so
much wit as your ladyship has, did not turn your brain.

LADY FROTH. Oh, my dear Cynthia, you must not rally your friend.
But really, as you say, I wonder too. But then I had a way. For,
between you and I, I had whimsies and vapours, but I gave them vent.

CYNT. How, pray, madam?

LADY FROTH. Oh, I writ, writ abundantly. Do you never write?

CYNT. Write what?

LADY FROTH. Songs, elegies, satires, encomiums, panegyrics,
lampoons, plays, or heroic poems?

CYNT. O Lord, not I, madam; I'm content to be a courteous reader.

LADY FROTH. Oh, inconsistent! In love and not write! If my lord
and I had been both of your temper, we had never come together. Oh,
bless me! What a sad thing would that have been, if my lord and I
should never have met!

CYNT. Then neither my lord nor you would ever have met with your
match, on my conscience.

LADY FROTH. O' my conscience, no more we should; thou say'st right.
For sure my Lord Froth is as fine a gentleman and as much a man of
quality! Ah! nothing at all of the common air. I think I may say
he wants nothing but a blue ribbon and a star to make him shine, the
very phosphorus of our hemisphere. Do you understand those two hard
words? If you don't, I'll explain 'em to you.

CYNT. Yes, yes, madam, I'm not so ignorant.--At least I won't own
it, to be troubled with your instructions. [Aside.]

LADY FROTH. Nay, I beg your pardon; but being derived from the
Greek, I thought you might have escaped the etymology. But I'm the
more amazed to find you a woman of letters and not write! Bless me!
how can Mellefont believe you love him?

CYNT. Why, faith, madam, he that won't take my word shall never
have it under my hand.

LADY FROTH. I vow Mellefont's a pretty gentleman, but methinks he
wants a manner.

CYNT. A manner! What's that, madam?

LADY FROTH. Some distinguishing quality, as, for example, the BEL
AIR or BRILLANT of Mr. Brisk; the solemnity, yet complaisance of my
lord, or something of his own that should look a little JE-NE-SAIS-
QUOISH; he is too much a mediocrity, in my mind.

CYNT. He does not indeed affect either pertness or formality; for
which I like him. Here he comes.

LADY FROTH. And my lord with him. Pray observe the difference.



CYNT. Impertinent creature! I could almost be angry with her now.

LADY FROTH. My lord, I have been telling Cynthia how much I have
been in love with you; I swear I have; I'm not ashamed to own it
now. Ah! it makes my heart leap, I vow I sigh when I think on't.
My dear lord! Ha, ha, ha, do you remember, my lord? [Squeezes him
by the hand, looks kindly on him, sighs, and then laughs out.]

LORD FROTH. Pleasant creature! perfectly well, ah! that look, ay,
there it is; who could resist? 'twas so my heart was made a captive
first, and ever since t'has been in love with happy slavery.

LADY FROTH. Oh, that tongue, that dear deceitful tongue! that
charming softness in your mien and your expression, and then your
bow! Good my lord, bow as you did when I gave you my picture; here,
suppose this my picture. [Gives him a pocket-glass.] Pray mind, my
lord; ah! he bows charmingly; nay, my lord, you shan't kiss it so
much; I shall grow jealous, I vow now. [He bows profoundly low,
then kisses the glass.]

LORD FROTH. I saw myself there, and kissed it for your sake.

LADY FROTH. Ah! Gallantry to the last degree. Mr. Brisk, you're a
judge; was ever anything so well bred as my lord?

BRISK. Never anything, but your ladyship; let me perish.

LADY FROTH. Oh, prettily turned again; let me die, but you have a
great deal of wit. Mr. Mellefont, don't you think Mr. Brisk has a
world of wit?

MEL. O yes, madam.

BRISK. O dear, madam -

LADY FROTH. An infinite deal!

BRISK. O heav'ns, madam -

LADY FROTH. More wit than anybody.

BRISK. I'm everlastingly your humble servant, deuce take me, madam.

LORD FROTH. Don't you think us a happy couple?

CYNT. I vow, my lord, I think you the happiest couple in the world,
for you're not only happy in one another, and when you are together,
but happy in yourselves, and by yourselves.

LORD FROTH. I hope Mellefont will make a good husband too.

CYNT. 'Tis my interest to believe he will, my Lord.

LORD FROTH. D'ye think he'll love you as well as I do my wife? I'm
afraid not.

CYNT. I believe he'll love me better.

LORD FROTH. Heav'ns! that can never be. But why do you think so?

CYNT. Because he has not so much reason to be fond of himself.

LORD FROTH. Oh, your humble servant for that, dear madam. Well,
Mellefont, you'll be a happy creature.

MEL. Ay, my lord, I shall have the same reason for my happiness
that your lordship has, I shall think myself happy.

LORD FROTH. Ah, that's all.

BRISK. [To LADY FROTH.] Your ladyship is in the right; but, i'gad,
I'm wholly turned into satire. I confess I write but seldom, but
when I do--keen iambics, i'gad. But my lord was telling me your
ladyship has made an essay toward an heroic poem.

LADY FROTH. Did my lord tell you? Yes, I vow, and the subject is
my lord's love to me. And what do you think I call it? I dare
swear you won't guess--THE SILLABUB, ha, ha, ha.

BRISK. Because my lord's title's Froth, i'gad, ha, ha, ha, deuce
take me, very e propos and surprising, ha, ha, ha.

LADY FROTH. He, ay, is not it? And then I call my lord Spumoso;
and myself, what d'ye think I call myself?

BRISK. Lactilla, may be,--i'gad, I cannot tell.

LADY FROTH. Biddy, that's all; just my own name.

BRISK. Biddy! I'gad, very pretty. Deuce take me if your ladyship
has not the art of surprising the most naturally in the world. I
hope you'll make me happy in communicating the poem.

LADY FROTH. Oh, you must be my confidant, I must ask your advice.

BRISK. I'm your humble servant, let me perish. I presume your
ladyship has read Bossu?

LADY FROTH. Oh yes, and Racine, and Dacier upon Aristotle and
Horace. My lord, you must not be jealous, I'm communicating all to
Mr. Brisk.

LORD FROTH. No, no, I'll allow Mr. Brisk; have you nothing about
you to shew him, my dear?

LADY FROTH. Yes, I believe I have. Mr. Brisk, come, will you go
into the next room? and there I'll shew you what I have.

LORD FROTH. I'll walk a turn in the garden, and come to you.



MEL. You're thoughtful, Cynthia?

CYNT. I'm thinking, though marriage makes man and wife one flesh,
it leaves 'em still two fools; and they become more conspicuous by
setting off one another.

MEL. That's only when two fools meet, and their follies are

CYNT. Nay, I have known two wits meet, and by the opposition of
their wit render themselves as ridiculous as fools. 'Tis an odd
game we're going to play at. What think you of drawing stakes, and
giving over in time?

MEL. No, hang't, that's not endeavouring to win, because it's
possible we may lose; since we have shuffled and cut, let's even
turn up trump now.

CYNT. Then I find it's like cards, if either of us have a good hand
it is an accident of fortune.

MEL. No, marriage is rather like a game at bowls: fortune indeed
makes the match, and the two nearest, and sometimes the two
farthest, are together, but the game depends entirely upon judgment.

CYNT. Still it is a game, and consequently one of us must be a

MEL. Not at all; only a friendly trial of skill, and the winnings
to be laid out in an entertainment. What's here, the music? Oh, my
lord has promised the company a new song; we'll get 'em to give it
us by the way. [Musicians crossing the stage.] Pray let us have
the favour of you, to practise the song before the company hear it.



Cynthia frowns whene'er I woo her,
Yet she's vext if I give over;
Much she fears I should undo her,
But much more to lose her lover:
Thus, in doubting, she refuses;
And not winning, thus she loses.


Prithee, Cynthia, look behind you,
Age and wrinkles will o'ertake you;
Then too late desire will find you,
When the power must forsake you:
Think, O think o' th' sad condition,
To be past, yet wish fruition.

MEL. You shall have my thanks below. [To the musicians, they go



SIR PAUL. Gadsbud! I am provoked into a fermentation, as my Lady
Froth says; was ever the like read of in story?

LADY PLYANT. Sir Paul, have patience, let me alone to rattle him

SIR PAUL. Pray, your ladyship, give me leave to be angry. I'll
rattle him up, I warrant you, I'll firk him with a CERTIORARI.

LADY PLYANT. You firk him, I'll firk him myself; pray, Sir Paul,
hold you contented.

CYNT. Bless me, what makes my father in such a passion? I never
saw him thus before.

SIR PAUL. Hold yourself contented, my Lady Plyant. I find passion
coming upon me by inflation, and I cannot submit as formerly,
therefore give way.

LADY PLYANT. How now! will you be pleased to retire and -

SIR PAUL. No, marry will I not be pleased: I am pleased to be
angry, that's my pleasure at this time.

MEL. What can this mean?

LADY PLYANT. Gads my life, the man's distracted; why, how now, who
are you? What am I? Slidikins, can't I govern you? What did I
marry you for? Am I not to be absolute and uncontrollable? Is it
fit a woman of my spirit and conduct should be contradicted in a
matter of this concern?

SIR PAUL. It concerns me and only me. Besides, I'm not to be
governed at all times. When I am in tranquillity, my Lady Plyant
shall command Sir Paul; but when I am provoked to fury, I cannot
incorporate with patience and reason: as soon may tigers match with
tigers, lambs with lambs, and every creature couple with its foe, as
the poet says.

LADY PLYANT. He's hot-headed still! 'Tis in vain to talk to you;
but remember I have a curtain-lecture for you, you disobedient,
headstrong brute.

SIR PAUL. No, 'tis because I won't be headstrong, because I won't
be a brute, and have my head fortified, that I am thus exasperated.
But I will protect my honour, and yonder is the violator of my fame.

LADY PLYANT. 'Tis my honour that is concerned, and the violation
was intended to me. Your honour! You have none but what is in my
keeping, and I can dispose of it when I please: therefore don't
provoke me.

SIR PAUL. Hum, gadsbud, she says true. Well, my lady, march on; I
will fight under you, then: I am convinced, as far as passion will
permit. [LADY PLYANT and SIR PAUL come up to MELLEFONT.]

LADY PLYANT. Inhuman and treacherous -

SIR PAUL. Thou serpent and first tempter of womankind.

CYNT. Bless me! Sir, madam, what mean you?

SIR PAUL. Thy, Thy, come away, Thy; touch him not. Come hither,
girl; go not near him, there's nothing but deceit about him. Snakes
are in his peruke, and the crocodile of Nilus is in his belly; he
will eat thee up alive.

LADY PLYANT. Dishonourable, impudent creature!

MEL. For heav'n's sake, madam, to whom do you direct this language?

LADY PLYANT. Have I behaved myself with all the decorum and nicety
befitting the person of Sir Paul's wife? Have I preserved my honour
as it were in a snow-house for these three years past? Have I been
white and unsullied even by Sir Paul himself?

SIR PAUL. Nay, she has been an invincible wife, even to me; that's
the truth on't.

LADY PLYANT. Have I, I say, preserved myself like a fair sheet of
paper for you to make a blot upon?

SIR PAUL. And she shall make a simile with any woman in England.

MEL. I am so amazed, I know not what to say.

SIR PAUL. Do you think my daughter, this pretty creature--gadsbud,
she's a wife for a cherubim!--do you think her fit for nothing but
to be a stalking horse, to stand before you, while you take aim at
my wife? Gadsbud, I was never angry before in my life, and I'll
never be appeased again.

MEL. Hell and damnation! This is my aunt; such malice can be
engendered nowhere else. [Aside.]

LADY PLYANT. Sir Paul, take Cynthia from his sight; leave me to
strike him with the remorse of his intended crime.

CYNT. Pray, sir, stay, hear him; I dare affirm he's innocent.

SIR PAUL. Innocent! Why, hark'ee--come hither, Thy--hark'ee, I had
it from his aunt, my sister Touchwood. Gadsbud, he does not care a
farthing for anything of thee but thy portion. Why, he's in love
with my wife. He would have tantalised thee, and made a cuckold of
thy poor father, and that would certainly have broke my heart. I'm
sure, if ever I should have horns, they would kill me; they would
never come kindly--I should die of 'em like a child that was cutting
his teeth--I should indeed, Thy--therefore come away; but providence
has prevented all, therefore come away when I bid you.

CYNT. I must obey.



LADY PLYANT. Oh, such a thing! the impiety of it startles me--to
wrong so good, so fair a creature, and one that loves you tenderly--
'tis a barbarity of barbarities, and nothing could be guilty of it -

MEL. But the greatest villain imagination can form, I grant it; and
next to the villainy of such a fact is the villainy of aspersing me
with the guilt. How? which way was I to wrong her? For yet I
understand you not.

LADY PLYANT. Why, gads my life, cousin Mellefont, you cannot be so
peremptory as to deny it, when I tax you with it to your face? for
now Sir Paul's gone, you are CORUM NOBUS.

MEL. By heav'n, I love her more than life or -

LADY PLYANT. Fiddle faddle, don't tell me of this and that, and
everything in the world, but give me mathemacular demonstration;
answer me directly. But I have not patience. Oh, the impiety of
it, as I was saying, and the unparalleled wickedness! O merciful
Father! How could you think to reverse nature so, to make the
daughter the means of procuring the mother?

MEL. The daughter to procure the mother!

LADY PLYANT. Ay, for though I am not Cynthia's own mother, I am her
father's wife, and that's near enough to make it incest.

MEL. Incest! O my precious aunt, and the devil in conjunction.

LADY PLYANT. Oh, reflect upon the horror of that, and then the
guilt of deceiving everybody; marrying the daughter, only to make a
cuckold of the father; and then seducing me, debauching my purity,
and perverting me from the road of virtue in which I have trod thus
long, and never made one trip, not one FAUX PAS. Oh, consider it!
What would you have to answer for if you should provoke me to
frailty? Alas! humanity is feeble, heav'n knows! very feeble, and
unable to support itself.

MEL. Where am I? is it day? and am I awake? Madam -

LADY PLYANT. And nobody knows how circumstances may happen
together. To my thinking, now I could resist the strongest
temptation. But yet I know, 'tis impossible for me to know whether
I could or not; there's no certainty in the things of this life.

MEL. Madam, pray give me leave to ask you one question.

LADY PLYANT. O Lord, ask me the question; I'll swear I'll refuse
it, I swear I'll deny it--therefore don't ask me; nay, you shan't
ask me, I swear I'll deny it. O Gemini, you have brought all the
blood into my face; I warrant I am as red as a turkey-cock. O fie,
cousin Mellefont!

MEL. Nay, madam, hear me; I mean -

LADY PLYANT. Hear you? No, no; I'll deny you first and hear you
afterwards. For one does not know how one's mind may change upon
hearing. Hearing is one of the senses, and all the senses are
fallible. I won't trust my honour, I assure you; my honour is
infallible and uncomeatable.

MEL. For heav'n's sake, madam -

LADY PLYANT. Oh, name it no more. Bless me, how can you talk of
heav'n, and have so much wickedness in your heart? May be you don't
think it a sin--they say some of you gentlemen don't think it a sin.
May be it is no sin to them that don't think it so; indeed, if I did
not think it a sin--But still my honour, if it were no sin. But
then, to marry my daughter for the conveniency of frequent
opportunities, I'll never consent to that; as sure as can be, I'll
break the match.

MEL. Death and amazement! Madam, upon my knees -

LADY PLYANT. Nay, nay, rise up; come, you shall see my good-nature.
I know love is powerful, and nobody can help his passion. 'Tis not
your fault; nor, I swear, it is not mine. How can I help it, if I
have charms? And how can you help it, if you are made a captive? I
swear it is pity it should be a fault. But my honour,--well, but
your honour, too--but the sin!--well, but the necessity--O Lord,
here's somebody coming, I dare not stay. Well, you must consider of
your crime; and strive as much as can be against it,--strive, be
sure. But don't be melancholic; don't despair. But never think
that I'll grant you anything. O Lord, no. But be sure you lay
aside all thoughts of the marriage, for though I know you don't love
Cynthia, only as a blind for your passion to me, yet it will make me
jealous. O Lord, what did I say? Jealous! no, no, I can't be
jealous, for I must not love you; therefore don't hope,--but don't
despair neither. Oh, they're coming, I must fly.



MEL. [After a pause.] So then, spite of my care and foresight, I
am caught, caught in my security. Yet this was but a shallow
artifice, unworthy of my Machiavellian aunt. There must be more
behind: this is but the first flash, the priming of her engine.
Destruction follows hard, if not most presently prevented.


[To him] MASKWELL.

MEL. Maskwell, welcome, thy presence is a view of land, appearing
to my shipwrecked hopes. The witch has raised the storm, and her
ministers have done their work: you see the vessels are parted.

MASK. I know it. I met Sir Paul towing away Cynthia. Come,
trouble not your head; I'll join you together ere to-morrow morning,
or drown between you in the attempt.

MEL. There's comfort in a hand stretched out to one that's sinking;
though ne'er so far off.

MASK. No sinking, nor no danger. Come, cheer up; why, you don't
know that while I plead for you, your aunt has given me a retaining
fee. Nay, I am your greatest enemy, and she does but journey-work
under me.

MEL. Ha! how's this?

MASK. What d'ye think of my being employed in the execution of all
her plots? Ha, ha, ha, by heav'n, it's true: I have undertaken to
break the match; I have undertaken to make your uncle disinherit
you; to get you turned out of doors; and to--ha, ha, ha, I can't
tell you for laughing. Oh, she has opened her heart to me! I am to
turn you a-grazing, and to--ha, ha, ha, marry Cynthia myself.
There's a plot for you.

MEL. Ha! Oh, see, I see my rising sun! Light breaks through
clouds upon me, and I shall live in day--Oh, my Maskwell! how shall
I thank or praise thee? Thou hast outwitted woman. But, tell me,
how couldst thou thus get into her confidence? Ha! How? But was
it her contrivance to persuade my Lady Plyant to this extravagant

MASK. It was; and to tell you the truth, I encouraged it for your
diversion. Though it made you a little uneasy for the present, yet
the reflection of it must needs be entertaining. I warrant she was
very violent at first.

MEL. Ha, ha, ha, ay, a very fury; but I was most afraid of her
violence at last. If you had not come as you did, I don't know what
she might have attempted.

MASK. Ha, ha, ha, I know her temper. Well, you must know, then,
that all my contrivances were but bubbles, till at last I pretended
to have been long secretly in love with Cynthia; that did my
business, that convinced your aunt I might be trusted; since it was
as much my interest as hers to break the match. Then, she thought
my jealousy might qualify me to assist her in her revenge. And, in
short, in that belief, told me the secrets of her heart. At length
we made this agreement, if I accomplish her designs (as I told you
before) she has engaged to put Cynthia with all her fortune into my

MEL. She is most gracious in her favour. Well, and, dear Jack, how
hast thou contrived?

MASK. I would not have you stay to hear it now; for I don't know
but she may come this way. I am to meet her anon; after that, I'll
tell you the whole matter. Be here in this gallery an hour hence;
by that time I imagine our consultation may be over.

MEL. I will; till then success attend thee.



Till then, success will attend me; for when I meet you, I meet the
only obstacle to my fortune. Cynthia, let thy beauty gild my
crimes; and whatsoever I commit of treachery or deceit, shall be
imputed to me as a merit. Treachery? What treachery? Love cancels
all the bonds of friendship, and sets men right upon their first

Duty to kings, piety to parents, gratitude to benefactors, and
fidelity to friends, are different and particular ties. But the
name of rival cuts 'em all asunder, and is a general acquittance.
Rival is equal, and love like death an universal leveller of
mankind. Ha! But is there not such a thing as honesty? Yes, and
whosoever has it about him, bears an enemy in his breast. For your
honest man, as I take it, is that nice, scrupulous, conscientious
person, who will cheat nobody but himself; such another coxcomb as
your wise man, who is too hard for all the world, and will be made a
fool of by nobody but himself; ha, ha, ha. Well, for wisdom and
honesty give me cunning and hypocrisy; oh, 'tis such a pleasure to
angle for fair-faced fools! Then that hungry gudgeon credulity will
bite at anything. Why, let me see, I have the same face, the same
words and accents when I speak what I do think, and when I speak
what I do not think, the very same; and dear dissimulation is the
only art not to be known from nature.

Why will mankind be fools, and be deceived,
And why are friends' and lovers' oaths believed,
When each, who searches strictly his own mind,
May so much fraud and power of baseness find?



LADY TOUCH. My lord, can you blame my brother Plyant if he refuse
his daughter upon this provocation? The contract's void by this
unheard-of impiety.

LORD TOUCH. I don't believe it true; he has better principles.
Pho, 'tis nonsense. Come, come, I know my Lady Plyant has a large
eye, and would centre everything in her own circle; 'tis not the
first time she has mistaken respect for love, and made Sir Paul
jealous of the civility of an undesigning person, the better to
bespeak his security in her unfeigned pleasures.

LADY TOUCH. You censure hardly, my lord; my sister's honour is very
well known.

LORD TOUCH. Yes, I believe I know some that have been familiarly
acquainted with it. This is a little trick wrought by some pitiful
contriver, envious of my nephew's merit.

LADY TOUCH. Nay, my lord, it may be so, and I hope it will be found
so. But that will require some time; for in such a case as this,
demonstration is necessary.

LORD TOUCH. There should have been demonstration of the contrary
too, before it had been believed.

LADY TOUCH. So I suppose there was.

LORD TOUCH. How? Where? When?

LADY TOUCH. That I can't tell; nay, I don't say there was. I am
willing to believe as favourably of my nephew as I can.

LORD TOUCH. I don't know that. [Half aside.]

LADY TOUCH. How? Don't you believe that, say you, my lord?

LORD TOUCH. No, I don't say so. I confess I am troubled to find
you so cold in his defence.

LADY TOUCH. His defence! Bless me, would you have me defend an ill

LORD TOUCH. You believe it, then?

LADY TOUCH. I don't know; I am very unwilling to speak my thoughts
in anything that may be to my cousin's disadvantage: besides, I
find, my lord, you are prepared to receive an ill impression from
any opinion of mine which is not consenting with your own. But,
since I am like to be suspected in the end, and 'tis a pain any
longer to dissemble, I own it to you; in short I do believe it, nay,
and can believe anything worse, if it were laid to his charge.
Don't ask me my reasons, my lord, for they are not fit to be told

LORD TOUCH. I'm amazed: there must be something more than ordinary
in this. [Aside.] Not fit to be told me, madam? You can have no
interests wherein I am not concerned, and consequently the same
reasons ought to be convincing to me, which create your satisfaction
or disquiet.

LADY TOUCH. But those which cause my disquiet I am willing to have
remote from your hearing. Good my lord, don't press me.

LORD TOUCH. Don't oblige me to press you.

LADY TOUCH. Whatever it was, 'tis past. And that is better to be
unknown which cannot be prevented; therefore let me beg you to rest

LORD TOUCH. When you have told me, I will.

LADY TOUCH. You won't.

LORD TOUCH. By my life, my dear, I will.

LADY TOUCH. What if you can't?

LORD TOUCH. How? Then I must know, nay, I will. No more trifling.
I charge you tell me. By all our mutual peace to come; upon your
duty -

LADY TOUCH. Nay, my lord, you need say no more, to make me lay my
heart before you, but don't be thus transported; compose yourself.
It is not of concern to make you lose one minute's temper. 'Tis
not, indeed, my dear. Nay, by this kiss you shan't be angry. O
Lord, I wish I had not told you anything. Indeed, my lord, you have
frighted me. Nay, look pleased, I'll tell you.

LORD TOUCH. Well, well.

LADY TOUCH. Nay, but will you be calm? Indeed it's nothing but -

LORD TOUCH. But what?

LADY TOUCH. But will you promise me not to be angry? Nay, you
must--not to be angry with Mellefont? I dare swear he's sorry, and
were it to do again, would not -

LORD TOUCH. Sorry for what? 'Death, you rack me with delay.

LADY TOUCH. Nay, no great matter, only--well, I have your promise.
Pho, why nothing, only your nephew had a mind to amuse himself
sometimes with a little gallantry towards me. Nay, I can't think he
meant anything seriously, but methought it looked oddly.

LORD TOUCH. Confusion and hell, what do I hear?

LADY TOUCH. Or, may be, he thought he was not enough akin to me,
upon your account, and had a mind to create a nearer relation on his
own; a lover you know, my lord. Ha, ha, ha. Well, but that's all.
Now you have it; well remember your promise, my lord, and don't take
any notice of it to him.

LORD TOUCH. No, no, no. Damnation!

LADY TOUCH. Nay, I swear you must not. A little harmless mirth;
only misplaced, that's all. But if it were more, 'tis over now, and
all's well. For my part I have forgot it, and so has he, I hope,--
for I have not heard anything from him these two days.

LORD TOUCH. These two days! Is it so fresh? Unnatural villain!
Death, I'll have him stripped and turned naked out of my doors this
moment, and let him rot and perish, incestuous brute!

LADY TOUCH. Oh, for heav'n's sake, my lord, you'll ruin me if you
take such public notice of it; it will be a town talk. Consider
your own and my honour; nay, I told you you would not be satisfied
when you knew it.

LORD TOUCH. Before I've done I will be satisfied. Ungrateful
monster! how long?

LADY TOUCH. Lord, I don't know; I wish my lips had grown together
when I told you. Almost a twelvemonth. Nay, I won't tell you any
more till you are yourself. Pray, my lord, don't let the company
see you in this disorder. Yet, I confess, I can't blame you; for I
think I was never so surprised in my life. Who would have thought
my nephew could have so misconstrued my kindness? But will you go
into your closet, and recover your temper. I'll make an excuse of
sudden business to the company, and come to you. Pray, good, dear
my lord, let me beg you do now. I'll come immediately and tell you
all; will you, my lord?

LORD TOUCH. I will--I am mute with wonder.

LADY TOUCH. Well, but go now, here's somebody coming.

LORD TOUCH. Well, I go. You won't stay? for I would hear more of

LADY TOUCH. I follow instantly. So.



MASK. This was a masterpiece, and did not need my help, though I
stood ready for a cue to come in and confirm all, had there been

LADY TOUCH. Have you seen Mellefont?

MASK. I have; and am to meet him here about this time.

LADY TOUCH. How does he bear his disappointment?

MASK. Secure in my assistance, he seemed not much afflicted, but
rather laughed at the shallow artifice, which so little time must of
necessity discover. Yet he is apprehensive of some farther design
of yours, and has engaged me to watch you. I believe he will hardly
be able to prevent your plot, yet I would have you use caution and

LADY TOUCH. Expedition indeed, for all we do must be performed in
the remaining part of this evening, and before the company break up,
lest my lord should cool and have an opportunity to talk with him
privately. My lord must not see him again.

MASK. By no means; therefore you must aggravate my lord's
displeasure to a degree that will admit of no conference with him.
What think you of mentioning me?


MASK. To my lord, as having been privy to Mellefont's design upon
you, but still using my utmost endeavours to dissuade him, though my
friendship and love to him has made me conceal it; yet you may say,
I threatened the next time he attempted anything of that kind to
discover it to my lord.

LADY TOUCH. To what end is this?

MASK. It will confirm my lord's opinion of my honour and honesty,
and create in him a new confidence in me, which (should this design
miscarry) will be necessary to the forming another plot that I have
in my head.--To cheat you as well as the rest. [Aside.]

LADY TOUCH. I'll do it--I'll tell him you hindered him once from
forcing me.

MASK. Excellent! Your ladyship has a most improving fancy. You
had best go to my lord, keep him as long as you can in his closet,
and I doubt not but you will mould him to what you please; your
guests are so engaged in their own follies and intrigues, they'll
miss neither of you.

LADY TOUCH. When shall we meet?--at eight this evening in my
chamber? There rejoice at our success, and toy away an hour in

MASK. I will not fail.



I know what she means by toying away an hour well enough. Pox, I
have lost all appetite to her; yet she's a fine woman, and I loved
her once. But I don't know: since I have been in a great measure
kept by her, the case is altered; what was my pleasure is become my
duty, and I have as little stomach to her now as if I were her
husband. Should she smoke my design upon Cynthia, I were in a fine
pickle. She has a damned penetrating head, and knows how to
interpret a coldness the right way; therefore I must dissemble
ardour and ecstasy; that's resolved. How easily and pleasantly is
that dissembled before fruition! Pox on't that a man can't drink
without quenching his thirst. Ha! yonder comes Mellefont,
thoughtful. Let me think. Meet her at eight--hum--ha! By heav'n I
have it.--If I can speak to my lord before. Was it my brain or
providence? No matter which--I will deceive 'em all, and yet secure
myself. 'Twas a lucky thought! Well, this double-dealing is a
jewel. Here he comes, now for me. [MASKWELL, pretending not to see
him, walks by him, and speaks as it were to himself.]


[To him] MELLEFONT, musing.

MASK. Mercy on us, what will the wickedness of this world come to?

MEL. How now, Jack? What, so full of contemplation that you run

MASK. I'm glad you're come, for I could not contain myself any
longer, and was just going to give vent to a secret, which nobody
but you ought to drink down. Your aunt's just gone from hence.

MEL. And having trusted thee with the secrets of her soul, thou art
villainously bent to discover 'em all to me, ha?

MASK. I'm afraid my frailty leans that way. But I don't know
whether I can in honour discover 'em all.

MEL. All, all, man! What, you may in honour betray her as far as
she betrays herself. No tragical design upon my person, I hope.

MASK. No, but it's a comical design upon mine.

MEL. What dost thou mean?

MASK. Listen and be dumb; we have been bargaining about the rate of
your ruin -

MEL. Like any two guardians to an orphan heiress. Well?

MASK. And whereas pleasure is generally paid with mischief, what
mischief I do is to be paid with pleasure.

MEL. So when you've swallowed the potion you sweeten your mouth
with a plum.

MASK. You are merry, sir, but I shall probe your constitution. In
short, the price of your banishment is to be paid with the person of

MEL. Of Cynthia and her fortune. Why, you forget you told me this

MASK. No, no. So far you are right; and I am, as an earnest of
that bargain, to have full and free possession of the person of--
your aunt.

MEL. Ha! Pho, you trifle.

MASK. By this light, I'm serious; all raillery apart. I knew
'twould stun you. This evening at eight she will receive me in her

MEL. Hell and the devil, is she abandoned of all grace? Why, the
woman is possessed.

MASK. Well, will you go in my stead?

MEL. By heav'n, into a hot furnace sooner.

MASK. No, you would not; it would not be so convenient, as I can
order matters.

MEL. What d'ye mean?

MASK. Mean? Not to disappoint the lady, I assure you. Ha, ha, ha,
how gravely he looks. Come, come, I won't perplex you. 'Tis the
only thing that providence could have contrived to make me capable
of serving you, either to my inclination or your own necessity.

MEL. How, how, for heav'n's sake, dear Maskwell?

MASK. Why, thus. I'll go according to appointment; you shall have
notice at the critical minute to come and surprise your aunt and me
together. Counterfeit a rage against me, and I'll make my escape
through the private passage from her chamber, which I'll take care
to leave open. 'Twill be hard if then you can't bring her to any
conditions. For this discovery will disarm her of all defence, and
leave her entirely at your mercy--nay, she must ever after be in awe
of you.

MEL. Let me adore thee, my better genius! By heav'n I think it is
not in the power of fate to disappoint my hopes--my hopes? My

MASK. Well, I'll meet you here, within a quarter of eight, and give
you notice.

MEL. Good fortune ever go along with thee.



CARE. Mellefont, get out o' th' way, my Lady Plyant's coming, and I
shall never succeed while thou art in sight. Though she begins to
tack about; but I made love a great while to no purpose.

MEL. Why, what's the matter? She's convinced that I don't care for

CARE. I can't get an answer from her, that does not begin with her
honour, or her virtue, her religion, or some such cant. Then she
has told me the whole history of Sir Paul's nine years courtship;
how he has lain for whole nights together upon the stairs before her
chamber-door; and that the first favour he received from her was a
piece of an old scarlet petticoat for a stomacher, which since the
day of his marriage he has out of a piece of gallantry converted
into a night-cap, and wears it still with much solemnity on his
anniversary wedding-night.

MEL. That I have seen, with the ceremony thereunto belonging. For
on that night he creeps in at the bed's feet like a gulled bassa
that has married a relation of the Grand Signior, and that night he
has his arms at liberty. Did not she tell you at what a distance
she keeps him? He has confessed to me that, but at some certain
times, that is, I suppose, when she apprehends being with child, he
never has the privilege of using the familiarity of a husband with a
wife. He was once given to scrambling with his hands, and sprawling
in his sleep, and ever since she has him swaddled up in blankets,
and his hands and feet swathed down, and so put to bed; and there he
lies with a great beard, like a Russian bear upon a drift of snow.
You are very great with him, I wonder he never told you his
grievances: he will, I warrant you.

CARE. Excessively foolish! But that which gives me most hopes of
her is her telling me of the many temptations she has resisted.

MEL. Nay, then you have her; for a woman's bragging to a man that
she has overcome temptations is an argument that they were weakly
offered, and a challenge to him to engage her more irresistibly.
'Tis only an enhancing the price of the commodity, by telling you
how many customers have underbid her.

CARE. Nay, I don't despair. But still she has a grudging to you.
I talked to her t'other night at my Lord Froth's masquerade, when
I'm satisfied she knew me, and I had no reason to complain of my
reception; but I find women are not the same bare-faced and in
masks, and a vizor disguises their inclinations as much as their

MEL. 'Tis a mistake, for women may most properly be said to be
unmasked when they wear vizors; for that secures them from blushing
and being out of countenance, and next to being in the dark, or
alone, they are most truly themselves in a vizor mask. Here they
come: I'll leave you. Ply her close, and by and by clap a BILLET
DOUX into her hand; for a woman never thinks a man truly in love
with her, till he has been fool enough to think of her out of her
sight, and to lose so much time as to write to her.



SIR PAUL. Shan't we disturb your meditation, Mr. Careless? You
would be private?

CARE. You bring that along with you, Sir Paul, that shall be always
welcome to my privacy.

SIR PAUL. O sweet sir, you load your humble servants, both me and
my wife, with continual favours.

LADY PLYANT. Sir Paul, what a phrase was there? You will be making
answers, and taking that upon you which ought to lie upon me. That
you should have so little breeding to think Mr. Careless did not
apply himself to me. Pray what have you to entertain anybody's
privacy? I swear and declare in the face of the world I'm ready to
blush for your ignorance.

SIR PAUL. I acquiesce, my lady; but don't snub so loud. [Aside to

LADY PLYANT. Mr. Careless, if a person that is wholly illiterate
might be supposed to be capable of being qualified to make a
suitable return to those obligations, which you are pleased to
confer upon one that is wholly incapable of being qualified in all
those circumstances, I'm sure I should rather attempt it than
anything in the world, [Courtesies] for I'm sure there's nothing in
the world that I would rather. [Courtesies] But I know Mr.
Careless is so great a critic, and so fine a gentleman, that it is
impossible for me -

CARE. O heavens! madam, you confound me.

SIR PAUL. Gads-bud, she's a fine person.

LADY PLYANT. O Lord! sir, pardon me, we women have not those
advantages; I know my imperfections. But at the same time you must
give me leave to declare in the face of the world that nobody is
more sensible of favours and things; for with the reserve of my
honour I assure you, Mr. Careless, I don't know anything in the
world I would refuse to a person so meritorious. You'll pardon my
want of expression.

CARE. O, your ladyship is abounding in all excellence, particularly
that of phrase.

LADY PLYANT. You are so obliging, sir.

CARE. Your ladyship is so charming.

SIR PAUL. So, now, now; now, my lady.

LADY PLYANT. So well bred.

CARE. So surprising.

LADY PLYANT. So well dressed, so BONNE MINE, so eloquent, so
unaffected, so easy, so free, so particular, so agreeable.

SIR PAUL. Ay, so, so, there.

CARE. O Lord, I beseech you madam, don't.

LADY PLYANT. So gay, so graceful, so good teeth, so fine shape, so
fine limbs, so fine linen, and I don't doubt but you have a very
good skin, sir,

CARE. For heaven's sake, madam, I'm quite out of countenance.

SIR PAUL. And my lady's quite out of breath; or else you should
hear--Gads-bud, you may talk of my Lady Froth.

CARE. O fie, fie, not to be named of a day. My Lady Froth is very
well in her accomplishments. But it is when my Lady Plyant is not
thought of. If that can ever be.

LADY PLYANT. O, you overcome me. That is so excessive.

SIR PAUL. Nay, I swear and vow that was pretty.

CARE. O, Sir Paul, you are the happiest man alive. Such a lady!
that is the envy of her own sex, and the admiration of ours.

SIR PAUL. Your humble servant. I am, I thank heaven, in a fine way
of living, as I may say, peacefully and happily, and I think need
not envy any of my neighbours, blessed be providence. Ay, truly,
Mr. Careless, my lady is a great blessing, a fine, discreet, well-
spoken woman as you shall see, if it becomes me to say so, and we
live very comfortably together; she is a little hasty sometimes, and
so am I; but mine's soon over, and then I'm so sorry.--O Mr.
Careless, if it were not for one thing -



LADY PLYANT. How often have you been told of that, you jackanapes?

SIR PAUL. Gad so, gad's-bud. Tim, carry it to my lady, you should
have carried it to my lady first.

BOY. 'Tis directed to your worship.

SIR PAUL. Well, well, my lady reads all letters first. Child, do
so no more; d'ye hear, Tim.

BOY. No, and please you.



SIR PAUL. A humour of my wife's: you know women have little
fancies. But as I was telling you, Mr. Careless, if it were not for
one thing, I should think myself the happiest man in the world;
indeed that touches me near, very near.

CARE. What can that be, Sir Paul?

SIR PAUL. Why, I have, I thank heaven, a very plentiful fortune, a
good estate in the country, some houses in town, and some money, a
pretty tolerable personal estate; and it is a great grief to me,
indeed it is, Mr. Careless, that I have not a son to inherit this.
'Tis true I have a daughter, and a fine dutiful child she is, though
I say it, blessed be providence I may say; for indeed, Mr. Careless,
I am mightily beholden to providence. A poor unworthy sinner. But
if I had a son! Ah, that's my affliction, and my only affliction;
indeed I cannot refrain tears when it comes in my mind. [Cries.]

CARE. Why, methinks that might be easily remedied--my lady's a fine
likely woman -

SIR PAUL. Oh, a fine likely woman as you shall see in a summer's
day. Indeed she is, Mr. Careless, in all respects.

CARE. And I should not have taken you to have been so old -

SIR PAUL. Alas, that's not it, Mr. Careless; ah! that's not it; no,
no, you shoot wide of the mark a mile; indeed you do, that's not it,
Mr. Careless; no, no, that's not it.

CARE. No? What can be the matter then?

SIR PAUL. You'll scarcely believe me when I shall tell you--my lady
is so nice. It's very strange, but it's true; too true--she's so
very nice, that I don't believe she would touch a man for the world.
At least not above once a year; I'm sure I have found it so; and,
alas, what's once a year to an old man, who would do good in his
generation? Indeed it's true, Mr. Careless, it breaks my heart. I
am her husband, as I may say; though far unworthy of that honour,
yet I am her husband; but alas-a-day, I have no more familiarity
with her person--as to that matter--than with my own mother--no

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