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The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan by William Schwenk Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan

Part 1 out of 16

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A request to all readers:
I have tried to catch as many actual errors as I could, but I am
sure others exist. If you notice an error, please let me know,
identifying by act and paragraph where the mistake occurs.

David Reed haradda@aol.com or davidr@inconnect.com


William S. Gilbert and Sir Arthur Sullivan collaborated on 14
operas in the period from 1871 to 1896. The are the following:


The Gondoliers


The King of Barataria

Libretto by William S. Gilbert
Music by Arthur S. Sullivan


THE DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO (a Grandee of Spain)
LUIZ (his attendant)
DON ALHAMBRA DEL BOLERO (the Grand Inquisitioner)

Venetian Gondoliers

CASILDA (her Daughter)


INEZ (the King's Foster-mother)

Chorus of Gondoliers and Contadine, Men-at-Arms, Heralds and

The Piazzetta, Venice

Pavilion in the Palace of Barataria

(An interval of three months is supposed to elapse between Acts I
and II)



Scene.-- the Piazzetta, Venice. The Ducal Palace on the right.

Fiametta, Giulia, Vittoria, and other Contadine discovered, each
tying a bouquet of roses.


List and learn, ye dainty roses,
Roses white and roses red,
Why we bind you into posies
Ere your morning bloom has fled.
By a law of maiden's making,
Accents of a heart that's aching,
Even though that heart be breaking,
Should by maiden be unsaid:
Though they love with love exceeding,
They must seem to be unheeding--
Go ye then and do their pleading,
Roses white and roses red!


Two there are for whom in duty,
Every maid in Venice sighs--
Two so peerless in their beauty
That they shame the summer skies.
We have hearts for them, in plenty,
They have hearts, but all too few,
We, alas, are four-and-twenty!
They, alas, are only two!
We, alas!


FIA. Are four-and-twenty,
They, alas!


FIA. Are only two.

CHORUS. They, alas, are only two, alas!
Now ye know, ye dainty roses,
Roses white and roses red,
Why we bind you into posies,
Ere your morning bloom has fled,
Roses white and roses red!

(During this chorus Antonio, Francesco, Giorgio, and other
Gondoliers have entered unobserved by the Girls--at first two,
then two more, then four, then half a dozen, then the remainder
of the Chorus.)


FRANC. Good morrow, pretty maids; for whom prepare ye
These floral tributes extraordinary?

FIA. For Marco and Giuseppe Palmieri,
The pink and flower of all the Gondolieri.

GIU. They're coming here, as we have heard but lately,
To choose two brides from us who sit sedately.

ANT. Do all you maidens love them?

ALL. Passionately!

ANT. These gondoliers are to be envied greatly!

GIOR. But what of us, who one and all adore you?
Have pity on our passion, we implore you!

FIA. These gentlemen must make their choice before you;

VIT. In the meantime we tacitly ignore you.

GIU. When they have chosen two that leaves you plenty--
Two dozen we, and ye are four-and-twenty.

FIA. and VIT. Till then, enjoy your dolce far niente.

ANT. With pleasure, nobody contradicente!


For the merriest fellows are we, tra la,
That ply on the emerald sea, tra la;
With loving and laughing,
And quipping and quaffing,
We're happy as happy can be, tra la--
With loving and laughing, etc.

With sorrow we've nothing to do, tra la,
And care is a thing to pooh-pooh, tra la;
And Jealousy yellow,
Unfortunate fellow,
We drown in the shimmering blue, tra la--
And Jealousy yellow, etc.

FIA. (looking off). See, see, at last they come to make their
Let us acclaim them with united voice.

(Marco and Giuseppe appear in gondola at back.)

CHORUS (Girls). Hail, hail! gallant gondolieri, ben venuti!
Accept our love, our homage, and our duty.
Ben' venuti! ben' venuti!

(Marco and Giuseppe jump ashore--the Girls salute them.)


MAR. and GIU. Buon' giorno, signorine!

GIRLS. Gondolieri carissimi!
Siamo contadine!

MAR. and GIU. (bowing). Servitori umilissimi!
Per chi questi fiori--
Questi fiori bellissimi?

GIRLS. Per voi, bei signori
O eccellentissimi!

(The Girls present their bouquets to Marco and Giuseppe, who are
overwhelmed with them, and carry them with difficulty.)

MAR. and GIU. (their arms full of flowers). O ciel'! O ciel'!

GIRLS. Buon' giorno, cavalieri!

MAR. and GIU. (deprecatingly). Siamo gondolieri.

(To Fia. and Vit.) Signorina, io t' amo!

GIRLS. (deprecatingly). Contadine siamo.

MAR. and GIU. Signorine!

GIRLS (deprecatingly). Contadine!

(Curtseying to Mar. and Giu.) Cavalieri.

MAR. and GIU. (deprecatingly). Gondolieri!
Poveri gondolieri!

CHORUS. Buon' giorno, signorine, etc.


We're called gondolieri,
But that's a vagary,
It's quite honorary
The trade that we ply.
For gallantry noted
Since we were short-coated,
To beauty devoted,
Giuseppe\Are Marco and I;

When morning is breaking,
Our couches forsaking,
To greet their awaking
With carols we come.
At summer day's nooning,
When weary lagooning,
Our mandolins tuning,
We lazily thrum.

When vespers are ringing,
To hope ever clinging,
With songs of our singing
A vigil we keep,
When daylight is fading,
Enwrapt in night's shading,
With soft serenading
We sing them to sleep.

We're called gondolieri, etc.


MAR. And now to choose our brides!

GIU. As all are young and fair,
And amiable besides,

BOTH. We really do not care
A preference to declare.

MAR. A bias to disclose
Would be indelicate--

GIU. And therefore we propose
To let impartial Fate
Select for us a mate!

ALL. Viva!

GIRLS. A bias to disclose
Would be indelicate--

MEN. But how do they propose
To let impartial Fate
Select for them a mate?

GIU. These handkerchiefs upon our eyes be good enough to

MAR. And take good care that both of us are absolutely

BOTH. Then turn us round--and we, with all convenient
Will undertake to marry any two of you we catch!

ALL. Viva!
They undertake to marry any two of us\them they catch!

(The Girls prepare to bind their eyes as directed.)

FIA. (to Marco). Are you peeping?
Can you see me?

MAR. Dark I'm keeping,
Dark and dreamy!

(Marco slyly lifts

VIT. (to Giuseppe). If you're blinded
Truly, say so

GIU. All right-minded
Players play so!
(slyly lifts bandage).

FIA. (detecting Marco). Conduct shady!
They are cheating!
Surely they de-
Serve a beating!
(replaces bandage).

VIT. (detecting Giuseppe). This too much is;
Maidens mocking--
Conduct such is
Truly shocking!
(replaces bandage).

ALL. You can spy, sir!
Shut your eye, sir!
You may use it by and by, sir!
You can see, sir!
Don't tell me, sir!
That will do--now let it be, sir!

CHORUS OF GIRLS. My papa he keeps three horses,
Black, and white, and dapple grey, sir;
Turn three times, then take your courses,
Catch whichever girl you may, sir!

CHORUS OF MEN. My papa, etc.

(Marco and Giuseppe turn round, as directed, and try to catch the
girls. Business of blind-man's buff. Eventually Marco catches
Gianetta, and Giuseppe catches Tessa. The two girls try to
escape, but in vain. The two men pass their hands over the
girls' faces to discover their identity.)

GIU. I've at length achieved a capture!
(Guessing.) This is Tessa! (removes bandage). Rapture,

CHORUS. Rapture, rapture!

MAR. (guessing). To me Gianetta fate has granted!
(removes bandage).
Just the very girl I wanted!

CHORUS. Just the very girl he wanted!

GIU. (politely to Mar.). If you'd rather change--

TESS. My goodness!
This indeed is simple rudeness.

MAR. (politely to Giu.). I've no preference whatever--

GIA. Listen to him! Well, I never!
(Each man kisses each girl.)

GIA. Thank you, gallant gondolieri!
In a set and formal measure
It is scarcely necessary
To express our pleasure.
Each of us to prove a treasure,
Conjugal and monetary,
Gladly will devote our leisure,
Gay and gallant gondolieri.
Tra, la, la, la, la, la, etc.

TESS. Gay and gallant gondolieri,
Take us both and hold us tightly,
You have luck extraordinary;
We might both have been unsightly!
If we judge your conduct rightly,
'Twas a choice involuntary;
Still we thank you most politely,
Gay and gallant gondolieri!
Tra, la, la, la, la, la, etc.

CHORUS OF Thank you, gallant gondolieri;
GIRLS. In a set and formal measure,
It is scarcely necessary
To express our pleasure.
Each of us to prove a treasure
Gladly will devote our leisure,
Gay and gallant gondolieri!
Tra, la, la, la, la, la, etc.

ALL. Fate in this has put his finger--
Let us bow to Fate's decree,
Then no longer let us linger,
To the altar hurry we!

(They all dance off two and two--Gianetta with Marco, Tessa with

(Flourish. A gondola arrives at the Piazzetta steps, from which
enter the Duke of Plaza-toro, the Duchess, their daughter
Casilda, and their attendant Luiz, who carries a drum. All are
dressed in pompous but old and faded clothes.)

(Entrance of Duke, Duchess, Casilda, and Luiz.)

DUKE. From the sunny Spanish shore,
The Duke of Plaza-Tor!--

DUCH. And His Grace's Duchess true--

CAS. And His Grace's daughter, too--

LUIZ. And His Grace's private drum
To Venetia's shores have come:

ALL. If ever, ever, ever
They get back to Spain,
They will never, never, never
Cross the sea again--

DUKE. Neither that Grandee from the Spanish shore,
The noble Duke of Plaza-Tor'--

DUCH. Nor His Grace's Duchess, staunch and true--

CAS. You may add, His Grace's daughter, too--

LUIZ. Nor His Grace's own particular drum
To Venetia's shores will come:

ALL. If ever, ever, ever
They get back to Spain,
They will never, never, never
Cross the sea again!

DUKE. At last we have arrived at our destination. This is
the Ducal Palace, and it is here that the Grand Inquisitor
resides. As a Castilian hidalgo of ninety-five quarterings, I
regret that I am unable to pay my state visit on a horse. As a
Castilian hidalgo of that description, I should have preferred to
ride through the streets of Venice; but owing, I presume, to an
unusually wet season, the streets are in such a condition that
equestrian exercise is impracticable. No matter. Where is our
LUIZ (coming forward). Your Grace, I am here.
DUCH. Why do you not do yourself the honour to kneel when
you address His Grace?
DUKE. My love, it is so small a matter! (To Luiz.) Still,
you may as well do it. (Luiz kneels.)
CAS. The young man seems to entertain but an imperfect
appreciation of the respect due from a menial to a Castilian
DUKE. My child, you are hard upon our suite.
CAS. Papa, I've no patience with the presumption of persons
in his plebeian position. If he does not appreciate that
position, let him be whipped until he does.
DUKE. Let us hope the omission was not intended as a
slight. I should be much hurt if I thought it was. So would he.
(To Luiz.) Where are the halberdiers who were to have had the
honour of meeting us here, that our visit to the Grand Inquisitor
might be made in becoming state?
LUIZ. Your Grace, the halberdiers are mercenary people who
stipulated for a trifle on account.
DUKE. How tiresome! Well, let us hope the Grand Inquisitor
is a blind gentleman. And the band who were to have had the
honour of escorting us? I see no band!
LUIZ. Your Grace, the band are sordid persons who required
to be paid in advance.
DUCH. That's so like a band!
DUKE (annoyed). Insuperable difficulties meet me at every
DUCH. But surely they know His Grace?
LUIZ. Exactly--they know His Grace.
DUKE. Well, let us hope that the Grand Inquisitor is a deaf
gentleman. A cornet-a-piston would be something. You do not
happen to possess the accomplishment of tootling like a
LUIZ. Alas, no, Your Grace! But I can imitate a farmyard.
DUKE (doubtfully). I don't see how that would help us. I
don't see how we could bring it in.
CAS. It would not help us in the least. We are not a
parcel of graziers come to market, dolt!
DUKE. My love, our suite's feelings! (To Luiz.) Be so
good as to ring the bell and inform the Grand Inquisitor that his
Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Count Matadoro, Baron Picadoro--
DUCH. And suite--
DUKE. And suite--have arrived at Venice, and seek--
CAS. Desire--
DUCH. Demand!
DUKE. And demand an audience.
LUIZ. Your Grace has but to command.
DUKE (much moved). I felt sure of it--I felt sure of it!
(Exit Luiz into Ducal Palace.) And now, my love--(aside to
Duchess) Shall we tell her? I think so--(aloud to Casilda) And
now, my love, prepare for a magnificent surprise. It is my
agreeable duty to reveal to you a secret which should make you
the happiest young lady in Venice!
CAS. A secret?
DUCH. A secret which, for State reasons, it has been
necessary to preserve for twenty years.
DUKE. When you were a prattling babe of six months old you
were married by proxy to no less a personage than the infant son
and heir of His Majesty the immeasurably wealthy King of
CAS. Married to the infant son of the King of Barataria?
Was I consulted? (Duke shakes his head.) Then it was a most
unpardonable liberty!
DUKE. Consider his extreme youth and forgive him. Shortly
after the ceremony that misguided monarch abandoned the creed of
his forefathers, and became a Wesleyan Methodist of the most
bigoted and persecuting type. The Grand Inquisitor, determined
that the innovation should not be perpetuated in Barataria,
caused your smiling and unconscious husband to be stolen and
conveyed to Venice. A fortnight since the Methodist Monarch and
all his Wesleyan Court were killed in an insurrection, and we are
here to ascertain the whereabouts of your husband, and to hail
you, our daughter, as Her Majesty, the reigning Queen of
Barataria! (Kneels.)

(During this speech Luiz re-enters.)

DUCH. Your Majesty! (Kneels.) (Drum roll.)
DUKE. It is at such moments as these that one feels how
necessary it is to travel with a full band.
CAS. I, the Queen of Barataria! But I've nothing to wear!
We are practically penniless!
DUKE. That point has not escaped me. Although I am
unhappily in straitened circumstances at present, my social
influence is something enormous; and a Company, to be called the
Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, is in course of formation to work
me. An influential directorate has been secured, and I shall
myself join the Board after allotment.
CAS. Am I to understand that the Queen of Barataria may be
called upon at any time to witness her honoured sire in process
of liquidation?
DUCH. The speculation is not exempt from that drawback. If
your father should stop, it will, of course, be necessary to wind
him up.
CAS. But it's so undignified--it's so degrading! A Grandee
of Spain turned into a public company! Such a thing was never
heard of!
DUKE. My child, the Duke of Plaza-Toro does not follow
fashions--he leads them. He always leads everybody. When he was
in the army he led his regiment. He occasionally led them into
action. He invariably led them out of it.


In enterprise of martial kind,
When there was any fighting,
He led his regiment from behind--
He found it less exciting.
But when away his regiment ran,
His place was at the fore, O--
That celebrated,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

ALL. In the first and foremost flight, ha, ha!
You always found that knight, ha, ha!
That celebrated,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

DUKE. When, to evade Destruction's hand,
To hide they all proceeded,
No soldier in that gallant band
Hid half as well as he did.
He lay concealed throughout the war,
And so preserved his gore, O!
That unaffected,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

ALL. In every doughty deed, ha, ha!
He always took the lead, ha, ha!
That unaffected,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

DUKE. When told that they would all be shot
Unless they left the service,
That hero hesitated not,
So marvellous his nerve is.
He sent his resignation in,
The first of all his corps, O!
That very knowing,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

ALL. To men of grosser clay, ha, ha!
He always showed the way, ha, ha!
That very knowing,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

(Exeunt Duke and Duchess into Grand Ducal Palace. As soon as
they have disappeared, Luiz and Casilda rush to each other's


O rapture, when alone together
Two loving hearts and those that bear them
May join in temporary tether,
Though Fate apart should rudely tear them.

CAS. Necessity, Invention's mother,
Compelled me to a course of feigning--
But, left alone with one another,
I will atone for my disdaining!


CAS. Ah, well-beloved,
Mine angry frown
Is but a gown
That serves to dress
My gentleness!

LUIZ. Ah, well-beloved,
Thy cold disdain,
It gives no pain--
'Tis mercy, played
In masquerade!

BOTH. Ah, well-beloved, etc.

CAS. O Luiz, Luiz--what have you said? What have I done?
What have I allowed you to do?
LUIZ. Nothing, I trust, that you will ever have reason to
repent. (Offering to embrace her.)
CAS. (withdrawing from him). Nay, Luiz, it may not be. I
have embraced you for the last time.
LUIZ (amazed). Casilda!
CAS. I have just learnt, to my surprise and indignation,
that I was wed in babyhood to the infant son of the King of
LUIZ. The son of the King of Barataria? The child who was
stolen in infancy by the Inquisition?
CAS. The same. But, of course, you know his story.
LUIZ. Know his story? Why, I have often told you that my
mother was the nurse to whose charge he was entrusted!
CAS. True. I had forgotten. Well, he has been discovered,
and my father has brought me here to claim his hand.
LUIZ. But you will not recognize this marriage? It took
place when you were too young to understand its import.
CAS. Nay, Luiz, respect my principles and cease to torture
me with vain entreaties. Henceforth my life is another's.
LUIZ. But stay--the present and the future--they are
another's; but the past--that at least is ours, and none can take
it from us. As we may revel in naught else, let us revel in
CAS. I don't think I grasp your meaning.
LUIZ. Yet it is logical enough. You say you cease to love
CAS. (demurely). I say I may not love you.
LUIZ. Ah, but you do not say you did not love me?
CAS. I loved you with a frenzy that words are powerless to
express--and that but ten brief minutes since!
LUIZ. Exactly. My own--that is, until ten minutes since,
my own--my lately loved, my recently adored--tell me that until,
say a quarter of an hour ago, I was all in all to thee!
(Embracing her.)
CAS. I see your idea. It's ingenious, but don't do that.
(Releasing herself.)
LUIZ. There can be no harm in revelling in the past.
CAS. None whatever, but an embrace cannot be taken to act
LUIZ. Perhaps not!
CAS. We may recollect an embrace--I recollect many--but we
must not repeat them.
LUIZ. Then let us recollect a few! (A moment's pause, as
they recollect, then both heave a deep sigh.)
LUIZ. Ah, Casilda, you were to me as the sun is to the
CAS. A quarter of an hour ago?
LUIZ. About that.
CAS. And to think that, but for this miserable discovery,
you would have been my own for life!
LUIZ. Through life to death--a quarter of an hour ago!
CAS. How greedily my thirsty ears would have drunk the
golden melody of those sweet words a quarter--well, it's now
about twenty minutes since. (Looking at her watch.)
LUIZ. About that. In such a matter one cannot be too
CAS. And now our love, so full of life, is but a silent,
solemn memory!
LUIZ. Must it be so, Casilda?
CAS. Luiz, it must be so!


LUIZ. There was a time--
A time for ever gone--ah, woe is me!
It was no crime
To love but thee alone--ah, woe is me!
One heart, one life, one soul,
One aim, one goal--
Each in the other's thrall,
Each all in all, ah, woe is me!

BOTH. Oh, bury, bury--let the grave close o'er
The days that were--that never will be more!
Oh, bury, bury love that all condemn,
And let the whirlwind mourn its requiem!

CAS. Dead as the last year's leaves--
As gathered flowers--ah, woe is me!
Dead as the garnered sheaves,
That love of ours--ah, woe is me!
Born but to fade and die
When hope was high,
Dead and as far away
As yesterday!--ah, woe is me!

BOTH. Oh, bury, bury--let the grave close o'er, etc.

(Re-enter from the Ducal Palace the Duke and Duchess, followed by
Don Alhambra del Bolero, the Grand Inquisitor.)

DUKE. My child, allow me to present to you His Distinction
Don Alhambra del Bolero, the Grand Inquisitor of Spain. It was
His Distinction who so thoughtfully abstracted your infant
husband and brought him to Venice.
DON AL. So this is the little lady who is so unexpectedly
called upon to assume the functions of Royalty! And a very nice
little lady, too!
DUKE. Jimp, isn't she?
DON AL. Distinctly jimp. Allow me! (Offers his hand. She
turns away scornfully.) Naughty temper!
DUKE. You must make some allowance. Her Majesty's head is
a little turned by her access of dignity.
DON AL. I could have wished that Her Majesty's access of
dignity had turned it in this direction.
DUCH. Unfortunately, if I am not mistaken, there appears to
be some little doubt as to His Majesty's whereabouts.
CAS. (aside). A doubt as to his whereabouts? Then we may
yet be saved!
DON AL. A doubt? Oh dear, no--no doubt at all! He is
here, in Venice, plying the modest but picturesque calling of a
gondolier. I can give you his address--I see him every day! In
the entire annals of our history there is absolutely no
circumstance so entirely free from all manner of doubt of any
kind whatever! Listen, and I'll tell you all about it.


I stole the Prince, and I brought him here,
And left him gaily prattling
With a highly respectable gondolier,
Who promised the Royal babe to rear,
And teach him the trade of a timoneer
With his own beloved bratling.

Both of the babes were strong and stout,
And, considering all things, clever.
Of that there is no manner of doubt--
No probable, possible shadow of doubt--
No possible doubt whatever.

ALL. No possible doubt whatever.

But owing, I'm much disposed to fear,
To his terrible taste for tippling,
That highly respectable gondolier
Could never declare with a mind sincere
Which of the two was his offspring dear,
And which the Royal stripling!

Which was which he could never make out
Despite his best endeavour.
Of that there is no manner of doubt--
No probable, possible shadow of doubt--
No possible doubt whatever.

ALL. No possible doubt whatever.

Time sped, and when at the end of a year
I sought that infant cherished,
That highly respectable gondolier
Was lying a corpse on his humble bier--
I dropped a Grand Inquisitor's tear--
That gondolier had perished.

A taste for drink, combined with gout,
Had doubled him up for ever.
Of that there is no manner of doubt--
No probable, possible shadow of doubt--
No possible doubt whatever.

ALL. No possible doubt whatever.

The children followed his old career--
(This statement can't be parried)
Of a highly respectable gondolier:
Well, one of the two (who will soon be here)--
But which of the two is not quite clear--
Is the Royal Prince you married!

Search in and out and round about,
And you'll discover never
A tale so free from every doubt--
All probable, possible shadow of doubt--
All possible doubt whatever!

ALL. A tale free from every doubt, etc.

CAS. Then do you mean to say that I am married to one of
two gondoliers, but it is impossible to say which?
DON AL. Without any doubt of any kind whatever. But be
reassured: the nurse to whom your husband was entrusted is the
mother of the musical young man who is such a past-master of that
delicately modulated instrument (indicating the drum). She can,
no doubt, establish the King's identity beyond all question.
LUIZ. Heavens, how did he know that?
DON AL. My young friend, a Grand Inquisitor is always up to
date. (To Cas.) His mother is at present the wife of a highly
respectable and old-established brigand, who carries on an
extensive practice in the mountains around Cordova. Accompanied
by two of my emissaries, he will set off at once for his mother's
address. She will return with them, and if she finds any
difficulty in making up her mind, the persuasive influence of the
torture chamber will jog her memory.


CAS. But, bless my heart, consider my position!
I am the wife of one, that's very clear;
But who can tell, except by intuition,
Which is the Prince, and which the Gondolier?

DON AL. Submit to Fate without unseemly wrangle:
Such complications frequently occur--
Life is one closely complicated tangle:
Death is the only true unraveller!


ALL. Try we life-long, we can never
Straighten out life's tangled skein,
Why should we, in vain endeavour,
Guess and guess and guess again?

LUIZ. Life's a pudding full of plums,

DUCH. Care's a canker that benumbs.

ALL. Life's a pudding full of plums,
Care's a canker that benumbs.
Wherefore waste our elocution
On impossible solution?
Life's a pleasant institution,
Let us take it as it comes!

Set aside the dull enigma,
We shall guess it all too soon;
Failure brings no kind of stigma--
Dance we to another tune!

LUIZ. String the lyre and fill the cup,

DUCH. Lest on sorrow we should sup.

ALL. Hop and skip to Fancy's fiddle,
Hands across and down the middle--
Life's perhaps the only riddle
That we shrink from giving up!

(Exeunt all into Ducal Palace except Luiz, who goes off in

(Enter Gondoliers and Contadine, followed by Marco, Gianetta,
Giuseppe, and Tessa.)


Bridegroom and bride!
Knot that's insoluble,
Voices all voluble
Hail it with pride.
Bridegroom and bride!
We in sincerity
Wish you prosperity,
Bridegroom and bride!


TESS. When a merry maiden marries,
Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries;
Every sound becomes a song,
All is right, and nothing's wrong!
From to-day and ever after
Let our tears be tears of laughter.
Every sigh that finds a vent
Be a sigh of sweet content!
When you marry, merry maiden,
Then the air with love is laden;
Every flower is a rose,
Every goose becomes a swan,
Every kind of trouble goes
Where the last year's snows have gone!

CHORUS. Sunlight takes the place of shade
When you marry, merry maid!

TESS. When a merry maiden marries,
Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries;
Every sound becomes a song,
All is right, and nothing's wrong.
Gnawing Care and aching Sorrow,
Get ye gone until to-morrow;
Jealousies in grim array,
Ye are things of yesterday!
When you marry, merry maiden,
Then the air with joy is laden;
All the corners of the earth
Ring with music sweetly played,
Worry is melodious mirth,
Grief is joy in masquerade;

CHORUS. Sullen night is laughing day--
All the year is merry May!

(At the end of the song, Don Alhambra enters at back. The
Gondoliers and Contadine shrink from him, and gradually go off,
much alarmed.)

GIU. And now our lives are going to begin in real earnest!
What's a bachelor? A mere nothing--he's a chrysalis. He can't
be said to live--he exists.
MAR. What a delightful institution marriage is! Why have
we wasted all this time? Why didn't we marry ten years ago?
TESS. Because you couldn't find anybody nice enough.
GIA. Because you were waiting for us.
MAR. I suppose that was the reason. We were waiting for
you without knowing it. (Don Alhambra comes forward.) Hallo!
DON AL. Good morning.
GIU. If this gentleman is an undertaker it's a bad omen.
DON AL. Ceremony of some sort going on?
GIU. (aside). He is an undertaker! (Aloud.) No--a little
unimportant family gathering. Nothing in your line.
DON AL. Somebody's birthday, I suppose?
GIA. Yes, mine!
TESS. And mine!
MAR. And mine!
GIU. And mine!
DON AL. Curious coincidence! And how old may you all be?
TESS. It's a rude question--but about ten minutes.
DON AL. Remarkably fine children! But surely you are
TESS. In other words, we were married about ten minutes
DON AL. Married! You don't mean to say you are married?
MAR. Oh yes, we are married.
DON AL. What, both of you?
ALL. All four of us.
DON AL. (aside). Bless my heart, how extremely awkward!
GIA. You don't mind, I suppose?
TESS. You were not thinking of either of us for yourself, I
presume? Oh, Giuseppe, look at him--he was. He's heart-broken!
DON AL. No, no, I wasn't! I wasn't!
GIU. Now, my man (slapping him on the back), we don't want
anything in your line to-day, and if your curiosity's
satisfied--you can go!
DON AL. You mustn't call me your man. It's a liberty. I
don't think you know who I am.
GIU. Not we, indeed! We are jolly gondoliers, the sons of
Baptisto Palmieri, who led the last revolution. Republicans,
heart and soul, we hold all men to be equal. As we abhor
oppression, we abhor kings: as we detest vain-glory, we detest
rank: as we despise effeminacy, we despise wealth. We are
Venetian gondoliers--your equals in everything except our
calling, and in that at once your masters and your servants.
DON AL. Bless my heart, how unfortunate! One of you may be
Baptisto's son, for anything I know to the contrary; but the
other is no less a personage than the only son of the late King
of Barataria.
ALL. What!
DON AL. And I trust--I trust it was that one who slapped me
on the shoulder and called me his man!
GIU. One of us a king!
MAR. Not brothers!
TESS. The King of Barataria! [Together]
GIA. Well, who'd have thought it!
MAR. But which is it?
DON AL. What does it matter? As you are both Republicans,
and hold kings in detestation, of course you'll abdicate at once.
Good morning! (Going.)
GIA. and TESS. Oh, don't do that! (Marco and Giuseppe stop
GIU. Well, as to that, of course there are kings and kings.
When I say that I detest kings, I mean I detest bad kings.
DON AL. I see. It's a delicate distinction.
GIU. Quite so. Now I can conceive a kind of king--an ideal
king--the creature of my fancy, you know--who would be absolutely
unobjectionable. A king, for instance, who would abolish taxes
and make everything cheap, except gondolas--
MAR. And give a great many free entertainments to the
GIU. And let off fireworks on the Grand Canal, and engage
all the gondolas for the occasion--
MAR. And scramble money on the Rialto among the gondoliers.
GIU. Such a king would be a blessing to his people, and if
I were a king, that is the sort of king I would be.
MAR. And so would I!
DON AL. Come, I'm glad to find your objections are not
MAR. and GIU. Oh, they're not insuperable.
GIA. and TESS. No, they're not insuperable.
GIU. Besides, we are open to conviction.
GIA. Yes; they are open to conviction.
TESS. Oh! they've often been convicted.
GIU. Our views may have been hastily formed on insufficient
grounds. They may be crude, ill-digested, erroneous. I've a
very poor opinion of the politician who is not open to
TESS. (to Gia.). Oh, he's a fine fellow!
GIA. Yes, that's the sort of politician for my money!
DON AL. Then we'll consider it settled. Now, as the
country is in a state of insurrection, it is absolutely necessary
that you should assume the reins of Government at once; and,
until it is ascertained which of you is to be king, I have
arranged that you will reign jointly, so that no question can
arise hereafter as to the validity of any of your acts.
MAR. As one individual?
DON AL. As one individual.
GIU. (linking himself with Marco). Like this?
DON AL. Something like that.
MAR. And we may take our friends with us, and give them
places about the Court?
DON AL. Undoubtedly. That's always done!
MAR. I'm convinced!
GIU. So am I!
TESS. Then the sooner we're off the better.
GIA. We'll just run home and pack up a few things (going)--
DON AL. Stop, stop--that won't do at all--ladies are not
ALL. What!
DON AL. Not admitted. Not at present. Afterwards,
perhaps. We'll see.
GIU. Why, you don't mean to say you are going to separate
us from our wives!
DON AL. (aside). This is very awkward! (Aloud.) Only for
a time--a few months. Alter all, what is a few months?
TESS. But we've only been married half an hour! (Weeps.)



Kind sir, you cannot have the heart
Our lives to part
From those to whom an hour ago
We were united!
Before our flowing hopes you stem,
Ah, look at them,
And pause before you deal this blow,
All uninvited!
You men can never understand
That heart and hand
Cannot be separated when
We go a-yearning;
You see, you've only women's eyes
To idolize
And only women's hearts, poor men,
To set you burning!
Ah me, you men will never understand
That woman's heart is one with woman's hand!

Some kind of charm you seem to find
In womankind--
Some source of unexplained delight
(Unless you're jesting),
But what attracts you, I confess,
I cannot guess,
To me a woman's face is quite
If from my sister I were torn,
It could be borne--
I should, no doubt, be horrified,
But I could bear it;--
But Marco's quite another thing--
He is my King,
He has my heart and none beside
Shall ever share it!
Ah me, you men will never understand
That woman's heart is one with woman's hand!


Do not give way to this uncalled-for grief,
Your separation will be very brief.
To ascertain which is the King
And which the other,
To Barataria's Court I'll bring
His foster-mother;
Her former nurseling to declare
She'll be delighted.
That settled, let each happy pair
Be reunited.

MAR., GIU., Viva! His argument is strong!
GIA., TESS. Viva! We'll not be parted long!
Viva! It will be settled soon!
Viva! Then comes our honeymoon!

(Exit Don


GIA. Then one of us will be a Queen,
And sit on a golden throne,
With a crown instead
Of a hat on her head,
And diamonds all her own!
With a beautiful robe of gold and green,
I've always understood;
I wonder whether
She'd wear a feather?
I rather think she should!

ALL. Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween,
To be a regular Royal Queen!
No half-and-half affair, I mean,
But a right-down regular Royal Queen!

MAR. She'll drive about in a carriage and pair,
With the King on her left-hand side,
And a milk-white horse,
As a matter of course,
Whenever she wants to ride!
With beautiful silver shoes to wear
Upon her dainty feet;
With endless stocks
Of beautiful frocks
And as much as she wants to eat!

ALL. Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.

TESS. Whenever she condescends to walk,
Be sure she'll shine at that,
With her haughty stare
And her nose in the air,
Like a well-born aristocrat!
At elegant high society talk
She'll bear away the bell,
With her "How de do?"
And her "How are you?"
And "I trust I see you well!"

ALL. Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.

GIU. And noble lords will scrape and bow,
And double themselves in two,
And open their eyes
In blank surprise
At whatever she likes to do.
And everybody will roundly vow
She's fair as flowers in May,
And say, "How clever!"
At whatsoever
She condescends to say!

ALL. Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween,
To be a regular Royal Queen!
No half-and-half affair, I mean,
But a right-down regular Royal Queen!

(Enter Chorus of Gondoliers and Contadine.)


Now, pray, what is the cause of this remarkable hilarity?
This sudden ebullition of unmitigated jollity?
Has anybody blessed you with a sample of his charity?
Or have you been adopted by a gentleman of quality?

MAR. and GIU. Replying, we sing
As one individual,
As I find I'm a king,
To my kingdom I bid you all.
I'm aware you object
To pavilions and palaces,
But you'll find I respect
Your Republican fallacies.

CHORUS. As they know we object
To pavilions and palaces,
How can they respect
Our Republican fallacies?


MAR. For every one who feels inclined,
Some post we undertake to find
Congenial with his frame of mind--
And all shall equal be.

GIU. The Chancellor in his peruke--
The Earl, the Marquis, and the Dook,
The Groom, the Butler, and the Cook--
They all shall equal be.

MAR. The Aristocrat who banks with Coutts--
The Aristocrat who hunts and shoots--
The Aristocrat who cleans our boots--
They all shall equal be!

GIU. The Noble Lord who rules the State--
The Noble Lord who cleans the plate--

MAR. The Noble Lord who scrubs the grate--
They all shall equal be!

GIU. The Lord High Bishop orthodox--
The Lord High Coachman on the box--

MAR. The Lord High Vagabond in the stocks--
They all shall equal be!

BOTH. For every one, etc.

Sing high, sing low,
Wherever they go,
They all shall equal be!

CHORUS. Sing high, sing low,
Wherever they go,
They all shall equal be!

The Earl, the Marquis, and the Dook,
The Groom, the Butler, and the Cook,
The Aristocrat who banks with Coutts,
The Aristocrat who cleans the boots,
The Noble Lord who rules the State,
The Noble Lord who scrubs the grate,
The Lord High Bishop orthodox,
The Lord High Vagabond in the stocks--

For every one, etc.

Sing high, sing low,
Wherever they go,
They all shall equal be!

Then hail! O King,
Whichever you may be,
To you we sing,
But do not bend the knee.
Then hail! O King.

MARCO and GIUSEPPE (together).

Come, let's away--our island crown awaits me--
Conflicting feelings rend my soul apart!
The thought of Royal dignity elates me,
But leaving thee behind me breaks my heart!

(Addressing Gianetta and

GIANETTA and TESSA (together).

Farewell, my love; on board you must be getting;
But while upon the sea you gaily roam,
Remember that a heart for thee is fretting--
The tender little heart you've left at home!

GIA. Now, Marco dear,
My wishes hear:
While you're away
It's understood
You will be good
And not too gay.
To every trace
Of maiden grace
You will be blind,
And will not glance
By any chance
On womankind!

If you are wise,
You'll shut your eyes
Till we arrive,
And not address
A lady less
Than forty-five.
You'll please to frown
On every gown
That you may see;
And, O my pet,
You won't forget
You've married me!

And O my darling, O my pet,
Whatever else you may forget,
In yonder isle beyond the sea,
Do not forget you've married me!

TESS. You'll lay your head
Upon your bed
At set of sun.
You will not sing
Of anything
To any one.
You'll sit and mope
All day, I hope,
And shed a tear
Upon the life
Your little wife
Is passing here.

And if so be
You think of me,
Please tell the moon!
I'll read it all
In rays that fall
On the lagoon:
You'll be so kind
As tell the wind
How you may be,
And send me words
By little birds
To comfort me!

And O my darling, O my pet,
Whatever else you may forget,
In yonder isle beyond the sea,
Do not forget you've married me!

QUARTET. Oh my darling, O my pet, etc.

CHORUS (during which a "Xebeque" is hauled alongside the quay.)

Then away we go to an island fair
That lies in a Southern sea:
We know not where, and we don't much care,
Wherever that isle may be.

THE MEN (hauling on boat).
One, two, three,
One, two, three,
One, two, three,
With a will!

ALL. When the breezes are a-blowing
The ship will be going,
When they don't we shall all stand still!
Then away we go to an island fair,
We know not where, and we don't much care,
Wherever that isle may be.


Away we go
To a balmy isle,
Where the roses blow
All the winter while.

ALL (hoisting sail).
Then away we go to an island fair
That lies in a Southern sea:
Then away we go to an island fair,
Then away, then away, then away!

(The men embark on the "Xebeque." Marco and Giuseppe embracing
Gianetta and Tessa. The girls wave a farewell to the men as the
curtain falls.)



SCENE.--Pavilion in the Court of Barataria. Marco and
Giuseppe, magnificently dressed, are seated on two thrones,
occupied in cleaning the crown and the sceptre. The Gondoliers
are discovered, dressed, some as courtiers, officers of rank,
etc., and others as private soldiers and servants of various
degrees. All are enjoying themselves without reference to social
distinctions--some playing cards, others throwing dice, some
reading, others playing cup and ball, "morra", etc.


Of happiness the very pith
In Barataria you may see:
A monarchy that's tempered with
Republican Equality.
This form of government we find
The beau ideal of its kind--
A despotism strict combined
With absolute equality!


Two kings, of undue pride bereft,
Who act in perfect unity,
Whom you can order right and left
With absolute impunity.
Who put their subjects at their ease
By doing all they can to please!
And thus, to earn their bread-and-cheese,
Seize every opportunity.

CHORUS. Of happiness the very pith, etc.

MAR. Gentlemen, we are much obliged to you for your
expressions of satisfaction and good feeling--I say, we are much
obliged to you for your expressions of satisfaction and good
ALL. We heard you.
MAR. We are delighted, at any time, to fall in with
sentiments so charmingly expressed.
ALL. That's all right.
GIU. At the same time there is just one little grievance
that we should like to ventilate.
ALL (angrily). What?
GIU. Don't be alarmed--it's not serious. It is arranged
that, until it is decided which of us two is the actual King, we
are to act as one person.
GIORGIO. Exactly.
GIU. Now, although we act as one person, we are, in point
of fact, two persons.
ANNIBALE. Ah, I don't think we can go into that. It is a
legal fiction, and legal fictions are solemn things. Situated as
we are, we can't recognize two independent responsibilities.
GIU. No; but you can recognize two independent appetites.
It's all very well to say we act as one person, but when you
supply us with only one ration between us, I should describe it
as a legal fiction carried a little too far.
ANNI. It's rather a nice point. I don't like to express an
opinion off-hand. Suppose we reserve it for argument before the
full Court?
MAR. Yes, but what are we to do in the meantime?
MAR. and GIU. We want our tea.
ANNI. I think we may make an interim order for double
rations on their Majesties entering into the usual undertaking to
indemnify in the event of an adverse decision?
GIOR. That, I think, will meet the case. But you must work
hard--stick to it--nothing like work.
GIU. Oh, certainly. We quite understand that a man who
holds the magnificent position of King should do something to
justify it. We are called "Your Majesty"; we are allowed to buy
ourselves magnificent clothes; our subjects frequently nod to us
in the streets; the sentries always return our salutes; and we
enjoy the inestimable privilege of heading the subscription lists
to all the principal charities. In return for these advantages
the least we can do is to make ourselves useful about the Palace.

Rising early in the morning,
We proceed to light the fire,
Then our Majesty adorning
In its workaday attire,
We embark without delay
On the duties of the day.

First, we polish off some batches
Of political despatches,
And foreign politicians circumvent;
Then, if business isn't heavy,
We may hold a Royal levee,
Or ratify some Acts of Parliament.
Then we probably review the household troops--
With the usual "Shalloo humps!" and "Shalloo hoops!"
Or receive with ceremonial and state
An interesting Eastern potentate.
After that we generally
Go and dress our private valet--
(It's a rather nervous duty--he's a touchy little man)--
Write some letters literary
For our private secretary--
He is shaky in his spelling, so we help him if we can.
Then, in view of cravings inner,
We go down and order dinner;
Then we polish the Regalia and the Coronation Plate--
Spend an hour in titivating
All our Gentlemen-in-Waiting;
Or we run on little errands for the Ministers of State.

Oh, philosophers may sing
Of the troubles of a King;
Yet the duties are delightful, and the privileges great;
But the privilege and pleasure
That we treasure beyond measure
Is to run on little errands for the Ministers of State.

CHORUS. Oh, philosophers may sing, etc.

After luncheon (making merry
On a bun and glass of sherry),
If we've nothing in particular to do,
We may make a Proclamation,
Or receive a deputation--
Then we possibly create a Peer or two.
Then we help a fellow-creature on his path
With the Garter or the Thistle or the Bath,
Or we dress and toddle off in semi-state
To a festival, a function, or a fete.
Then we go and stand as sentry
At the Palace (private entry),
Marching hither, marching thither, up and down and to and
While the warrior on duty
Goes in search of beer and beauty
(And it generally happens that he hasn't far to go).
He relieves us, if he's able,
Just in time to lay the table,
Then we dine and serve the coffee, and at half-past twelve
or one,
With a pleasure that's emphatic,
We retire to our attic
With the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done!

Oh, philosophers may sing
Of the troubles of a King,
But of pleasures there are many and of worries there are
And the culminating pleasure
That we treasure beyond measure
Is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done!

CHORUS. Oh, philosophers may sing, etc.

(Exeunt all but Marco and

GIU. Yes, it really is a very pleasant existence. They're
all so singularly kind and considerate. You don't find them
wanting to do this, or wanting to do that, or saying "It's my
turn now." No, they let us have all the fun to ourselves, and
never seem to grudge it.
MAR. It makes one feel quite selfish. It almost seems like
taking advantage of their good nature.
GIU. How nice they were about the double rations.
MAR. Most considerate. Ah! there's only one thing wanting
to make us thoroughly comfortable.
GIU. And that is?
MAR. The dear little wives we left behind us three months
GIU. Yes, it is dull without female society. We can do
without everything else, but we can't do without that.
MAR. And if we have that in perfection, we have everything.
There is only one recipe for perfect happiness.


Take a pair of sparkling eyes,
Hidden, ever and anon,
In a merciful eclipse--
Do not heed their mild surprise--
Having passed the Rubicon,
Take a pair of rosy lips;
Take a figure trimly planned--
Such as admiration whets--
(Be particular in this);
Take a tender little hand,
Fringed with dainty fingerettes,
Press it--in parenthesis;--
Ah! Take all these, you lucky man--
Take and keep them, if you can!

Take a pretty little cot--
Quite a miniature affair--
Hung about with trellised vine,
Furnish it upon the spot
With the treasures rich and rare
I've endeavoured to define.
Live to love and love to live--
You will ripen at your ease,
Growing on the sunny side--
Fate has nothing more to give.
You're a dainty man to please
If you are not satisfied.
Ah! Take my counsel, happy man;
Act upon it, if you can!

(Enter Chorus of Contadine, running in, led by Fiametta and
Vittoria. They are met by all the Ex-Gondoliers, who welcome
them heartily.)


Here we are, at the risk of our lives,
From ever so far, and we've brought your wives--
And to that end we've crossed the main,
And don't intend to return again!

FIA. Though obedience is strong,
Curiosity's stronger--
We waited for long,
Till we couldn't wait longer.

VIT. It's imprudent, we know,
But without your society
Existence was slow,
And we wanted variety--

BOTH. Existence was slow, and we wanted variety.

ALL. So here we are, at the risk of our lives,
From ever so far, and we've brought your wives--
And to that end we've crossed the main,
And don't intend to return again!

(Enter Gianetta and Tessa. They rush to the arms of Marco and

GIU. Tessa!
TESS. Giuseppe! {All embrace.}
GIA. Marco!
MAR. Gianetta!


TESS. After sailing to this island--
GIA. Tossing in a manner frightful,
TESS. We are all once more on dry land--
GIA. And we find the change delightful,
TESS. As at home we've been remaining--
We've not seen you both for ages,
GIA. Tell me, are you fond of reigning?--
How's the food, and what's the wages?
TESS. Does your new employment please ye?--
GIA. How does Royalizing strike you?
TESS. Is it difficult or easy?--
GIA. Do you think your subjects like you?
TESS. I am anxious to elicit,
Is it plain and easy steering?
GIA. Take it altogether, is it
Better fun than gondoliering?
BOTH. We shall both go on requesting
Till you tell us, never doubt it;
Everything is interesting,
Tell us, tell us all about it!

CHORUS. They will both go on requesting, etc.

TESS. Is the populace exacting?
GIA. Do they keep you at a distance?
TESS. All unaided are you acting,
GIA. Or do they provide assistance?
TESS. When you're busy, have you got to
Get up early in the morning?
GIA. If you do what you ought not to,
Do they give the usual warning?
TESS. With a horse do they equip you?
GIA. Lots of trumpeting and drumming?
TESS. Do the Royal tradesmen tip you?
GIA. Ain't the livery becoming!
TESS. Does your human being inner
Feed on everything that nice is?
GIA. Do they give you wine for dinner;
Peaches, sugar-plums, and ices?
BOTH. We shall both go on requesting
Till you tell us, never doubt it;
Everything is interesting,
Tell us, tell us all about it!

CHORUS. They will both go on requesting, etc.

MAR. This is indeed a most delightful surprise!
TESS. Yes, we thought you'd like it. You see, it was like
this. After you left we felt very dull and mopey, and the days
crawled by, and you never wrote; so at last I said to Gianetta,
"I can't stand this any longer; those two poor Monarchs haven't
got any one to mend their stockings or sew on their buttons or
patch their clothes--at least, I hope they haven't--let us all
pack up a change and go and see how they're getting on." And she
said, "Done," and they all said, "Done"; and we asked old Giacopo
to lend us his boat, and he said, "Done"; and we've crossed the
sea, and, thank goodness, that's done; and here we are,
and--and--I've done!
GIA. And now--which of you is King?
TESS. And which of us is Queen?
GIU. That we shan't know until Nurse turns up. But never
mind that--the question is, how shall we celebrate the
commencement of our honeymoon? Gentlemen, will you allow us to
offer you a magnificent banquet?
ALL. We will!
GIU. Thanks very much; and, ladies, what do you say to a
TESS. A banquet and a dance! O, it's too much happiness!


Dance a cachucha, fandango, bolero,
Xeres we'll drink--Manzanilla, Montero--
Wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances
The reckless delight of that wildest of dances!
To the pretty pitter-pitter-patter,
And the clitter-clitter-clitter-clatter--
Patter, patter, patter, patter, we'll dance.
Old Xeres we'll drink--Manzanilla, Montero;
For wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances
The reckless delight of that wildest of dances!


(The dance is interrupted by the unexpected appearance of Don
Alhambra, who looks on with astonishment. Marco and Giuseppe
appear embarrassed. The others run off, except Drummer Boy, who
is driven off by Don Alhambra.)

DON AL. Good evening. Fancy ball?
GIU. No, not exactly. A little friendly dance. That's
all. Sorry you're late.
DON AL. But I saw a groom dancing, and a footman!
MAR. Yes. That's the Lord High Footman.
DON AL. And, dear me, a common little drummer boy!
GIU. Oh no! That's the Lord High Drummer Boy.
DON AL. But surely, surely the servants'-hall is the place
for these gentry?
GIU. Oh dear no! We have appropriated the servants'-hall.
It's the Royal Apartment, and accessible only by tickets
obtainable at the Lord Chamberlain's office.
MAR. We really must have some place that we can call our
DON AL. (puzzled). I'm afraid I'm not quite equal to the
intellectual pressure of the conversation.
GIU. You see, the Monarchy has been re-modelled on
Republican principles.
DON AL. What!
GIU. All departments rank equally, and everybody is at the
head of his department.
DON AL. I see.
MAR. I'm afraid you're annoyed.
DON AL. No. I won't say that. It's not quite what I
GIU. I'm awfully sorry.
MAR. So am I.
GIU. By the by, can I offer you anything after your voyage?
A plate of macaroni and a rusk?
DON AL. (preoccupied). No, no--nothing--nothing.
GIU. Obliged to be careful?
DON AL. Yes--gout. You see, in every Court there are
distinctions that must be observed.
GIU. (puzzled). There are, are there?
DON AL. Why, of course. For instance, you wouldn't have a
Lord High Chancellor play leapfrog with his own cook.
MAR. Why not?
DON AL. Why not! Because a Lord High Chancellor is a
personage of great dignity, who should never, under any
circumstances, place himself in the position of being told to
tuck in his tuppenny, except by noblemen of his own rank. A Lord
High Archbishop, for instance, might tell a Lord High Chancellor
to tuck in his tuppenny, but certainly not a cook, gentlemen,
certainly not a cook.
GIU. Not even a Lord High Cook?
DON AL. My good friend, that is a rank that is not
recognized at the Lord Chamberlain's office. No, no, it won't
do. I'll give you an instance in which the experiment was tried.


DON AL. There lived a King, as I've been told,
In the wonder-working days of old,
When hearts were twice as good as gold,
And twenty times as mellow.
Good-temper triumphed in his face,
And in his heart he found a place
For all the erring human race
And every wretched fellow.
When he had Rhenish wine to drink
It made him very sad to think
That some, at junket or at jink,
Must be content with toddy.

MAR. and GIU. With toddy, must be content with toddy.

DON AL. He wished all men as rich as he
(And he was rich as rich could be),
So to the top of every tree
Promoted everybody.

MAR. and GIU. Now, that's the kind of King for me.
He wished all men as rich as he,
So to the top of every tree
Promoted everybody!

DON AL. Lord Chancellors were cheap as sprats,
And Bishops in their shovel hats
Were plentiful as tabby cats--
In point of fact, too many.
Ambassadors cropped up like hay,
Prime Ministers and such as they
Grew like asparagus in May,
And Dukes were three a penny.
On every side Field-Marshals gleamed,
Small beer were Lords-Lieutenant deemed,
With Admirals the ocean teemed
All round his wide dominions.

MAR. and GIU. With Admirals all round his wide dominions.

DON AL. And Party Leaders you might meet
In twos and threes in every street
Maintaining, with no little heat,
Their various opinions.

MAR. and GIU. Now that's a sight you couldn't beat--
Two Party Leaders in each street
Maintaining, with no little heat,
Their various opinions.

DON AL. That King, although no one denies
His heart was of abnormal size,
Yet he'd have acted otherwise
If he had been acuter.
The end is easily foretold,
When every blessed thing you hold
Is made of silver, or of gold,
You long for simple pewter.
When you have nothing else to wear
But cloth of gold and satins rare,
For cloth of gold you cease to care--
Up goes the price of shoddy.

MAR. and GIU. Of shoddy, up goes the price of shoddy.

DON AL. In short, whoever you may be,
To this conclusion you'll agree,
When every one is somebodee,
Then no one's anybody!

MAR. and GIU. Now that's as plain as plain can be,
To this conclusion we agree--

ALL. When every one is somebodee,
Then no one's anybody!

(Gianetta and Tessa enter unobserved. The two girls, impelled by
curiosity, remain listening at the back of the stage.)

DON AL. And now I have some important news to communicate.
His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Her Grace the Duchess, and
their beautiful daughter Casilda--I say their beautiful daughter
GIU. We heard you.
DON AL. Have arrived at Barataria, and may be here at any
MAR. The Duke and Duchess are nothing to us.
DON AL. But the daughter--the beautiful daughter! Aha!
Oh, you're a lucky dog, one of you!
GIU. I think you're a very incomprehensible old gentleman.
DON AL. Not a bit--I'll explain. Many years ago when you
(whichever you are) were a baby, you (whichever you are) were
married to a little girl who has grown up to be the most
beautiful young lady in Spain. That beautiful young lady will be
here to claim you (whichever you are) in half an hour, and I
congratulate that one (whichever it is) with all my heart.
MAR. Married when a baby!
GIU. But we were married three months ago!
DON AL. One of you--only one. The other (whichever it is)
is an unintentional bigamist.
GIA. and TESS. (coming forward). Well, upon my word!
DON AL. Eh? Who are these young people?
TESS. Who are we? Why, their wives, of course. We've just
DON AL. Their wives! Oh dear, this is very unfortunate!
Oh dear, this complicates matters! Dear, dear, what will Her
Majesty say?
GIA. And do you mean to say that one of these Monarchs was
already married?
TESS. And that neither of us will be a Queen?
DON AL. That is the idea I intended to convey. (Tessa and
Gianetta begin to cry.)
GIU. (to Tessa). Tessa, my dear, dear child--
TESS. Get away! perhaps it's you!
MAR. (to Gia.). My poor, poor little woman!
GIA. Don't! Who knows whose husband you are?
TESS. And pray, why didn't you tell us all about it before
they left Venice?
DON AL. Because, if I had, no earthly temptation would have
induced these gentlemen to leave two such extremely fascinating
and utterly irresistible little ladies!
TESS. There's something in that.
DON AL. I may mention that you will not be kept long in
suspense, as the old lady who nursed the Royal child is at
present in the torture chamber, waiting for me to interview her.
GIU. Poor old girl. Hadn't you better go and put her out
of her suspense?
DON AL. Oh no--there's no hurry--she's all right. She has
all the illustrated papers. However, I'll go and interrogate
her, and, in the meantime, may I suggest the absolute propriety
of your regarding yourselves as single young ladies. Good
(Exit Don
GIA. Well, here's a pleasant state of things!
MAR. Delightful. One of us is married to two young ladies,
and nobody knows which; and the other is married to one young
lady whom nobody can identify!
GIA. And one of us is married to one of you, and the other
is married to nobody.
TESS. But which of you is married to which of us, and
what's to become of the other? (About to cry.)
GIU. It's quite simple. Observe. Two husbands have
managed to acquire three wives. Three wives--two husbands.
(Reckoning up.) That's two-thirds of a husband to each wife.
TESS. O Mount Vesuvius, here we are in arithmetic! My good
sir, one can't marry a vulgar fraction!
GIU. You've no right to call me a vulgar fraction.
MAR. We are getting rather mixed. The situation is
entangled. Let's try and comb it out.


In a contemplative fashion,
And a tranquil frame of mind,
Free from every kind of passion,
Some solution let us find.
Let us grasp the situation,
Solve the complicated plot--
Quiet, calm deliberation
Disentangles every knot.

TESS.I, no doubt, Giuseppe wedded-- THE OTHERS. In a
That's, of course, a slice of luck fashion,
He is rather dunder-headed.
Still distinctly, he's a duck.

GIA. I, a victim, too, of Cupid, THE OTHERS. Let
us grasp the
Marco married - that is clear. situation,
He's particularly stupid,
Still distinctly, he's a dear.

MAR. To Gianetta I was mated; THE OTHERS. In a
I can prove it in a trice: fashion,
Though her charms are overrated,
Still I own she's rather nice.

GIU. I to Tessa, willy-nilly, THE OTHERS. Let us
grasp the
All at once a victim fell. situation,
She is what is called a silly,
Still she answers pretty well.

MAR. Now when we were pretty babies
Some one married us, that's clear--

GIA. And if I can catch her
I'll pinch her and scratch her

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