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Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 7, May 14, 1870 by Various

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[Illustration: Vol. 1. No. 7.]

PUNCHINELLO

SATURDAY, MAY 14, 1870.

PUBLISHED BY THE

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,

83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.

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THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.

BATHOS and pathos are closely allied in sound as well as in sense. Mr.
FECHTER evidently regards them as completely identical; and in his
acting, as in his pronunciation, uniformly prefers the former to the
latter. He has recently exemplified this by his personation of CLAUDE
MELNOTTE, in that most tawdry specimen of the cotton-velvet drama, the
LADY OF LYONS. This melancholy event took place a few nights since at
the French Theatre, that mausoleum of the illegitimate French drama.
Miss CARLOTTA LECLERCQ, an actress who deserves the highest praise, and
who would receive it were it not that a doubt as to the proper
pronunciation of her name prevents the bashful critic from mentioning
her when flushed with the generous enthusiasm of beer, played PAULINE,
and a number of Uncertain People played the dickens with the rest of the
_dramatis personæ_. Every one knows the play, and no one cares to hear
how the Uncertain People mangled it. The audience naturally took no
interest in it until the third scene of the first act was reached, and
shouts of "Long live CLAUDE MELNOTTE" were heard from behind the scenes.
After which everybody remarked, "Now he's coming," and rubbed their
lorgnettes with looks of expectation and corners of pocket-handkerchiefs.

_Enter_ CLAUDE. "Gif me choy, dear mutter, I've won the brize."

_Mother_. "Humph! What's the wally of it, my boy?"

CLAUDE. "Every thing. It is wealth--the 'ope of vame--the ambition to pe
worthier of PAULINE. Ah! I lofe her! I 'ave sent a boem to her. My
messenger ought efen now to be returned."

_Enter_ GASPAR. "CLAUDE, your verses are returned! With kicks! I could
show the marks of them, were it proper to do so in the presence of a
mixed audience!"

_Mother_. "Now you are cured, Claude."

CLAUDE. "So! I do sgatter her image to the winds. I will peat her menial
ruffians. I will do a fariety of voolish actions. What 'ave we 'ere? A
ledder? (_Reads it_.) BEAUSEANT bromises I shall marry her! Oh! refenge
and lofe! I will marry her, and pully her afterwards." (_Curtain_.)

_Young Lady, who reads Dickens_. "How sweet he is! So romantic! I do
love this sweet, lovely play so much."

_Accompanying Young Man, who regards himself a critic on the ground that
he once knew a ticket-speculator_. "Yes. It is one of the best plays
out. It's so full of gags, you know."

_Young Lady_. "Gags? What are they?"

_Accompanying young man, who, etc._ "Gags is the professional name for
nice tabloze. Scenes where they stand round in good positions, you
know."

_Enthusiastic Man, who has come in with a pass_. "Well! I've never
seen any acting like FECHTER'S before. It's magnificent."

_Veteran Play-goer_. "I hope I'll never see anything like it again.
He reminds me of a bull with delirium tremens in a china shop."

_Rest of the Audience_. "Only four more acts. Thank goodness we've
got through with one."

_Act II. Enter Uncertain People. They recite in a timid and indistinct
tone the prescribed fustian. They are followed by_ CLAUDE, PAULINE,
_and others_.

CLAUDE. "These are peautiful gartens. Who blanned them?"

_Mdme._ DESCHAPPELLES. "A gardener named CLAUDE MELNOTTE. He wrote
verses to my daughter. Ha! ha! Also, he! he!"

CLAUDE. "This GLAUDE must be a monsous imbudent berson."

PAULINE. "Sweet Prince, tell me again of thy palace by the Lake of
Como."

CLAUDE. "A balace lifting to eternal summer its marple walls, from out a
closuy power of goolest voliage, musigal with pirds. Dost like the
bigture?"

_Enter Mdme._ DESCHAPPELLES. "Oh! Prince, you must fly. The minions of
the Directory are laying for you. Take my daughter; marry her, and go to
Como." (_He takes her and flies R.U.E. Curtain_.)

_Young Lady, who reads Dickens (wiping away the tear of imbecility)_.
"How sweet! how sweet!"

_Accompanying Young Man_. "Yes. It is so natural and touching. I have
never seen a finer actor behind the footlights."

_Everybody else_. "Hey! What's that you say? Asleep? Of course I
wasn't."

_Act III. Enter Uncertain Persons as before. They ultimately go out
again. Applause. Enter_ CLAUDE, _his_ MOTHER, _and_ PAULINE.

_Mother_. "This young man is of poor but honest parents. Know you not
that you are wedded to my son, CLAUDE MELNOTTE?"

PAULINE. "Your son? Hold, hold me, somebody!"

CLAUDE. "Leave us, mutter. Have bity on us." (_The old lady leaves_.)

CLAUDE. "Now, lady, 'ear me."

PAULINE. "Hear thee? Her son! Do fiends usually indulge in the luxury of
parents? Speak!"

CLAUDE. "Gurse me. Thy gurse would plast me less than thy forgifeness."
(_He rants in broken English with unintelligible rapidity for next
half-hour, until his mother puts an end to the universal misery by
carrying Pauline off to bed. Curtain_.)

_Young Lady, who reads Dickens_. "Oh, how sweetly pretty!"

_Accompanying Young Man_. "Yes. He is even a better actor than MCKEAN
BUCHANAN."

_Voices from all Parts of the House. "Let's go home. I can't stand two
more acts of this sort of thing."_

One of these voices was the soft, silvery and modest voice of MATADOR,
who went out, and sitting upon a convenient hydrant, (not one of the
infamous cast-iron abortions with an unpleasant knob on the cover,)
contemplated the midnight stars, and seriously meditated upon Mr.
FECHTER. And in spite of a previous unhesitating belief in Mr. DICKENS'
critical judgment, and in spite of a desire to find in Mr. FECHTER the
greatest actor of the age, he could not perceive in what respect that
distinguished gentleman deserves his world-wide reputation. Is his
manner natural? Is his elocution even tolerably good? Is his
pronunciation of English words any thing but barely intelligible? To
these questions a mental echo answered with a melancholy negative. And
when the occupant of the meditative hydrant demanded to know what single
merit could be found in Mr. FECHTER'S acting, his only answer was a
suggestion from a prosaic policeman that he cease to put idiotic
questions to the unoffending lamp-post.

There are those--and enough of them to fill any theatre--who sincerely
admire Mr. FECHTER; but it is impossible to resist the conviction that
their admiration is only a dutiful acquiescence in the judgment of Mr.
DICKENS. With the utmost desire to do no injustice to a genial
gentleman, who conscientiously strives to carry out his theories of what
acting should be, the undersigned is forced to confess that Mr. FECHTER
in an English play is a spectacle so hopelessly and earnestly absurd, as
to call for commiseration rather than for the laughter which it would
deserve were it professedly a burlesque entertainment.

MATADOR.

* * * * *

EXCELSIOR.

The _Gold Hill Daily News_, of Nevada, has found a big sapphire--a
regular _Koh-i-noor_ of gems. It says:

"While at San Francisco, a few weeks ago, we had the pleasure of seeing
the SANGALLI ballet troupe at MAGUIRE'S Opera House, and the artistic,
glowing beauties of the Sapphire dance yet pleasurably linger in our
memory."

The dance in question, which the Gold Hill editor describes as "a higher
order of the famous 'Can-can,'" is new to us. It makes us feel "blue" to
think that we have never seen the Sapphire dance. "Higher" than the
Can-can! Good gracious! if heels go higher in the Sapphire than in the
Can-can, may we not be pardoned for inquiring, "What next?"

* * * * *

Nought for Nought.

Alas! that poor SYPHER should Cipher to gala
A seat he must evermore Sigh for in vain;
But why should we Sigh for poor SYPHER'S defeat,
When his friends couldn't Cipher him into his seat.

* * * * *

Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District
Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.

* * * * *

THE FINE ARTS IN PHILADELPHIA.

PHILADELPHIA, April 12.

Dear PUNCHINELLO: A few days since I received a card of invitation for
admission to a private view of a very fine collection of pictures, by
European and American artists. I visited the galleries, accompanied by
an amateur friend who has a fine artistic education, having travelled
some six months on the Continent. Being engaged in the picture-auction
business, I am not altogether a tyro in art, and determined to send you
a few notes taken on the spot, the combined effort of amateur friend and
myself. The walk to the gallery, extending over a half-hour in time, was
taken up by my amateur friend aforesaid, with an endeavor to give me
some general ideas, more than initiative, with reference to art matters.
For instance, he said the public liked glitter and varnish in a picture,
but it does not follow on that account that the picture is good. He then
mentioned the "Mimminée-Pimminée" style, and the "Pre-Raffaelite" style,
and the Rarée shows of art, and I had the whole subject so jumbled up
that my artistic ideas became quite confused. He made a quotation,
giving me to understand that it was not original; it ran as follows:
"Indifferent pictures, like dull people, must be absolutely moral." I am
not sufficiently informed to quite comprehend this selection from
another man, but as we were at the time about entering the galleries, I
remained quietly ignorant.

[Illustration]

The first picture that attracted our admiration was a "Sheep scene," by
Lambdin. Every particular hair on the old ram is well made out. The
frame on the picture is beautifully embossed, with a rich velvet border
of sea-green mandarin pattern.

The next picture worthy of notice is a "Street in Venice," by
Canal-etti--a singular specimen of this artist's first manner. The
figure at the crossing is rendered with great feeling. It is needless to
mention that the street is covered with water, which is beautifully
clear and transparent, showing the depth of mud and slime during the dry
season. The frame is ornamented with flowers in relief, and gilt in the
very best manner.

[Illustration]

"A Musical Party," by Bass-ano, is very highly finished, especially the
party, who have evidently been inhaling stimulants. This picture is
painted on a gold ground, and is considered a rare specimen of Italian
art. It was formerly in the Campo-Santo-di-Pisa collection.

[Illustration]

The frame is the blue-lotus pattern, very curiously gilt and chased.
This style of frame would sell without difficulty.

The picture called the "Star of the East," by WEST, has a scolloped
frame in the Tuscan style, with extra fine enamelling. This is a very
singular picture. It must be admitted that this frame is finished with
great care.

There is a frame made from a curious kind of wood, on a picture by
CONSTABLE, entitled the "Midnight Arrest." The picture is certainly a
matchless gem, very low in tone. The mosaic border to the frame is quite
unique in its design.

Among the works by American artists, we notice some remarkably fine
productions. The picture by a lady amateur, entitled, "The Toilet of a
Girl of the Period," demonstrates the progress our artists are making in
_genre_ painting. The subject is rendered with great purity of feeling,
and the smelling-bottle in the foreground adds greatly to the spirit of
the composition. The frame is highly ornamented with scarce Japan gold,
elaborately chased in a superior manner.

There is a picture by Miss T----n, called the "Blonde's Revenge," that
evinces talent of a superior order. This picture has been noticed by
various New-York and Western journals, but I do not consider with any
degree of justice to its surpassing merits. The color is equal to a
beautifully polished Pompeiian brass door-plate; the drawing is immense,
though truth must compel us to say that the costumes are rather
slighted. The principal figure of the group, which is taken from a
French model, seems to stand right out from the canvas; this I consider
a very high point of excellence. Visitors should be cautioned against
approaching this picture.

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

I regret that time will not permit me to give you any further notice of
this collection, but I will endeavor to get my amateur friend to go
often and obtain notes for me. Unless I accompany him, however, I fear
he will not pay sufficient attention to the frames.

Yours, G.

* * * * *

"Cometh Up as a Flower."
Very likely it does; but there is one thing that don't go down as
the Flour--and that's the price of bread.

* * * * *

ASTRONOMICAL CONVERSATIONS.

[BY A FATHER AND DAUGHTER RESIDING ON THE PLANET VENUS.]

NO. II.

_D_. OH, FATHER, what funny things are caused by the revolution of a
planet!

_F_. Well, revolutions are not _always_ such funny things, as those
wretched creatures on the earth up there must have found out by this
time.

_D_. How dry you are, pa! I didn't mean the revolutions _on_ a planet,
but the revolutions _of_ a planet.

_F_. Well, a distinction, I admit. But what are you driving at?

_D_. Several things. For instance, seven revolutions of the planet Earth
produce a new number of PUNCHINELLO--a funny thing, as you often say
yourself.

_F_. Well put, truly.

_D_. And seven revolutions also give rise to the _Revolution_ itself,
which (being a woman all Right in head and heart) I regard as about the
funniest thing going.

_F_. "Funny," child? Why, I never saw any thing less so. It is
_dreadfully_ serious. It is even sanguinary; sadder still, abusive and
vulgar. What is there comical about coarseness?

_D_. You don't take my idea, father. It is funny, because it assumes so
much. It does not realize that womanly modesty is the great obstacle to
its success, and that if it was as well endowed with that quality as the
average of American women, it would promptly cease to revolve.

_F_. Why, HELENE! what has set you off? Where did you pick up this
nonsense? What can you possibly know of Women's Rights, as I believe
they call the new Movement?

_D_. Why _shouldn't_ I know something about it, when it has been in your
mouth for months? And ain't _I_ a woman? Besides, don't we women know
some things by _instinct_?

_F_. Well, well, child! I wish you could know Astronomy by instinct; for
I begin to see I've a job before me, if only to keep you to the point.

_D_. The Compass-point, do you mean, father?

_F_. No; the Study-point. Do you call this studying Astronomy?

_D_. I think, pa, I like the _practical_ part best.

_F_. Ah, that which allows you to study the Fashions in Broadway! Well,
woman is woman, I believe, the Universe over! But, come; a short lesson,
to begin with. Here is a fine view of Saturn, with his Rings.

_D_. "Rings?" Are they anything like the New-York Rings you have read
about?

_F_. Well, yes; no, not exactly; but a Ring within a Ring, is a phrase
that applies to both subjects, just now.

_D_. Oh, pshaw! I thought you meant finger-rings! What does Saturn want
of Rings?

_F_. And what does New-York want of 'em. They are _there_, and
there they'll stay!

_D_. But _I_ mean, what does a _gentleman_ want of rings?

_F_. Don't we find, every where, that the most Saturnine, the dullest,
and stupidest, and lowest, are generally the fondest of this sort of
ornament?

_D_. Oh, dear! Father, how you _do_ try me! (Do see him, gazing away,
when he _knows_ I'm dying to get a squint! He pays me no more attention
than though I was a mere ANTHONY! Why, what ails him?) Father! Father,
dear! what--what's the matter? Why are you crying?

_F_. Come here, and look; quick! Oh, HELENE; isn't it horrible?

_D_. Why--what is it, father? Console yourself; it is a good way off to
say the least! [Looks a moment.] Why, it's those savage Freedmen, I do
declare! about to sacrifice that amiable-looking white! A tender-looking
man; is he what they call a Ku--Ku--

_F_. Klux? Oh, no. That is a Missionary; and the blacks are not
Freedmen, as you suppose, but Cannibals. They are about to roast him.
You see the fire?

_D_. Oh, quite distinctly! look, father!--he is making a sign to them.
What does it mean?

_F_. [Looking.] It means that he has lost the use of his
tongue--probably from fright--but would like to write something.

_D_. Like so many other tongue-tied scribblers! Do they let him?

_F_. Oh, yes; they bring a board, and a piece of chalk.

_D_. How large is the piece?

_F_. The usual size. He is writing.

_D_. What does the poor fellow say?

_F_. He is laconic. He merely writes--

COOK ME RARE.

_D_. Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

_F_. Boo-hoo-hoo-too!

* * * * *

WHAT I KNOW ABOUT FREE TRADE.

DEAR PUNCHINELLO: In a paper of such great influence as PUNCHINELLO,
vast subjects should be set before the community. I know of none vaster
than Free Trade. You see, every body understands that subject and nobody
can explain it. I propose, therefore, to turn the light of my penny dip
upon it, and to set forth, in concise language, what I know about free
trade.

It must be premised that there is a great deal to be said on the other
side, and that nothing can be more abominable than free trade to a
protectionist, unless it be protection to a free trader. Free trade
is--well--free trade is--well--let me illustrate: cigars made out of
cabbages are not nice; not to put too fine a point upon it, they're
nasty. We are greater at raising cabbages than we are at sprouting cigar
tobacco. Under these circumstances the free trader (he's a smoker, or if
he isn't, his aunt or sister is) says we want Havana cigars to enter our
lips without the taint of revenue. That's free trade.

Every youth is a free trader. Don't you remember your own youthful
follies? If you are of the male persuasion, would you have traded your
jack-knife for TOM SMITH'S bull-pup, if there had been a tariff on the
pup. Or, if you are of the feminine persuasibility, would you have
swapped your crying-doll for BETSY JONSES' ring-tailed cat, if the cat
had been compelled to crawl through the custom-house and pay duties?
Besides, don't you remember how often your mother deprived you of a
second cup of tea, on the plea that it would injure your health? Much as
I respect your mamma, I can not refrain from informing you that that
plea was false, and that it was the absence of free trade that deprived
you of a second cup of China whiskey. Then you know that the lump-sugar,
the raisins, the cake, etc., were always locked up in a pantry. All the
result, my dear sir, of an absence of free trade.

Now that you have grown up, the result is the same. You must have your
soup, and (I do not mean to be pathetic) what is soup without salt? You
must travel on the cars, but what are cars without rails? But, alas,
salt and rails are in the black list. What do you care, whether or not
TOM JONES and BILLY BROWN make money out of their salt and iron mines?
You want cheap soup and cheap riding. Then every time that you pay one
hundred dollars for your wife's dry-goods, you have the ecstatic
pleasure of knowing that you are paying fifty dollars because Mr. JOHN
ROBINSON can't make goods as cheap as the English manufacturers.

In the natural state, man is a free trader. When our good Christian
brethren give an Indian a string of beads for a buffalo-skin, the Indian
charges no custom duties. He don't want to keep beads out of his
country. When LOT swapped his wife away for a pillar of salt, the trade
was free. When the Americans traded away good ships and cargoes for
Alabama claims, not a word was said about the tariff. These, however,
are cases in which nature rather gets ahead of civilization.

See the result of the lack of free trade in our country. The brick
manufacturers must be protected, so a heavy tariff was placed on the
foreign article. Our brick men, finding that they had a soft thing,
tried to solve that conundrum which the Israelites gave up: "How do you
make bricks without straw?" They made a patent brick, built the Howard
Museum in Washington, (was it a museum or a college?) the thing tumbled
down, and a Congressional committee sat among its ruins. Poor Gen.
HOWARD is in a muddle, and wishes, from the bottom of his heart, that we
had free trade in bricks.

Then, morally, see the high position of the free trader. Poor men who
must have tea or cigars or English or French manufactures, are never
driven to smuggling, where free trade prevails. The free trader would
even abolish the tariff of two dollars and a half, imposed on human
chattels who land at Castle Garden.

That's all I know about free trade. I thought I knew more. I'm afraid I
haven't illuminated the subject; however, I will turn my lantern next
week on protection.

LOT.

* * * * *

[Illustration: SHOCKING AFFAIR.

_First Heavy Swell._ "WHAT'S THE MATTER, OLD FELLOW?--UNDER THE
WEATHER, EH?"

_Second ditto._ "WORSE THAN THAT. _I've burst my shirt-collar!_"]

* * * * *

OUR FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE.

(BY ATLANTIC CABLE.)

Your representative's little speech at the great PUNCHINELLO dinner may
be better imagined than described. A few words, however, may give you
its _animus_.

"If," said I, "in this illustrious company, one may indulge in a
Wellerism"--

"Spell it with a _we_, sir, if you please," whispered SAMIVEL, who stood
right behind me.

I resumed. "I have to say, that my feelings at this hour are too many
for me. Perhaps I might add, that the courses have been so also. As my
friend SOYER used to observe when we were together in the Crimea,
astronomical and gastronomical laws are alike fixed. And one of them is,
that the precession of the dinner-plates, and the nutation of the
glasses, do not promote the music of the spheres. But, Mr. PUNCH and
gentlemen, although not one of the heavenly bodies, indeed altogether
terrestrial, one feels, naturally, rounder in his orbit, and a little
more likely to see stars, after such a dinner as this, than before. Do I
not, indeed, see around me now, all the stars of the intellectual
firmament? Are not SIRIUS and ARCTURUS here, in their glory, as well as
ORION and the rest? As my old friend CRISPIN would say, their name is
legion! _I_ would blaze, gentlemen, too, if possible, in honor of the
occasion; but, as I can't Comet, meteors fall in lamentation of my poor
ability.

"The day we celebrate is truly a great one. Since the time of OLAF, the
Northman, our Anglo-Saxon-Celtic race has loved its jesting
philosophers. No fools are they, in fact, even when to that name they
'stoop to conquer.'

'The wise man's folly is anatomized
Even by the squand'ring glances of the fool.'

"The sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination
wraps me, is a most humorous sadness.

"But, gentlemen, your walls have, if not ears, tongues, to recall the
glorious humor and wit of our race. HOGARTH looks down upon us. ADDISON
tells us of dear old Sir ROGER de COVERLEY; I am sure he must have been
the grandfather of Mr. PICKWICK. STERNE makes us weep on one side and
smile on the other, at the mention of my UNCLE TOBY; GOLDSMITH, at the
remembrance of himself. And so does TOM HOOD, the prince of humorists.
THACKERAY we all remember; and neither he nor his Vanity Fair will ever
be forgotten. DOUGLAS JERROLD, and JOHN LEECH, too--the only tears they
ever made men shed were at their graves. And who can fail to feel like a
"pendulum betwixt a smile and tear," when he remembers our ARTEMUS WARD?
Over the water now we have some yet; of whom we count "the TWAIN one;"
and we can get up as good BILLINGS-gate as ever went to market. Then,
for right Saxon wit, have we not SAXE himself? And, for the luminous,
PETROLEUM, the ex-postmaster of the Cross-roads?

"I represent a name, gentlemen, new with us, yet old in Europe. You are
well aware that, in Italy"--

"_That_ might 'uv been tuk for granted; as the donkey said ven his dam
called him a hass"--whispered, rather loudly, SAMIVEL, behind me.

Now whether it was the Thames atmosphere that had got into my head, or
whether it was SAM WELLER'S unexpected remark, I am unable, to this day,
to say. But, somehow or other, my speech had, by this time, gone up. So
I went down. If the speech was a rocket, I represented a stick. Perhaps
JENKINS may yet wake up to the importance to the civilization of the
century of reporting in full CHARLES DICKENS' speech, and BULWER'S, and
the rest. If so, I will send them on. PUNCHINELLO, however, was honored
as he deserves, at this dinner. Now for a little serious news.

GREAT BRITAIN.

JOHN SMITH, Esq., (son of the _elder_ Smith,) finds it necessary to
contradict the rumor that he is going to the United States. He is
fearful lest there may, possibly, be another person of the same name in
America; which might cause confusion.

_On dit_ that one of VICTORIA'S daughters was to be engaged to be
married to a young member of the house of ORANGE. But it is believed now
to have been a sour orange.

Rev. Mr. MACKONOCHIE has been warned by the Bishop of London that he
must reform his ritual, in some particulars. The Bishop is especially
incensed at the censer; and waxes censorious about the wax lights. He
insists that Father MACKONOCHIE must use Stearine or Spermaceti.
Moreover, when water is mixed with wine, it must not come from the East
River; and the wine must be red. Blue wine will do if he can find any.

Church parties are much excited about Mr. MIALL'S Church-liberation
scheme. But why so? Will not any Rev. who has a living, say, "Who takes
my living takes away _my all!_" A bad pun; but a good argument. They
should not _miaul_ about it, at any rate.

FRANCE.

PIERRE BONAPARTE has gone to be king of the Feejee Islands. It has been
stipulated that he shall not shoot more than one man in a month; and
part of the tenderloin is to be given always to his Majesty's Prime
Minister.

M. GUERRONIER'S remark in the Senate, April 19th, requires explanation.
He said that "Europe can be tranquil only when France is satisfied." He
was alluding to the necessity of an early supply of copies of
PUNCHINELLO; without which that excitable population can not be kept in
a satisfactory state. I have made arrangements to have them forwarded
accordingly.

GERMANY.

POTOCKIS, new Minister of Public Instruction, has offered his
resignation. The reason is that a deputation of the professors and
teachers called on him to say that it would take their pupils a year to
learn how to spell his name. It is TSCHABUSHNIGG. PRIME.

* * * * *

POOR CAPTAIN EYRE.

It is really outrageous to find fault with poor Captain EYRE. If ever a
man had a full and perfect defence to the accusations which are made
against him, EYRE is that man. Not content with offering one excuse, he
offers a large and varied assortment of excuses, any one of which ought
to be quite satisfactory. For example he asserts:

That instead of running into the Oneida, the Oneida ran into him.

That his ship struck the Oneida so lightly that he never knew there had
been any collision.

That he saw the Oneida just after he had run into her, and that she did
not appear to have lost any thing but her skylights.

That he stopped his engines and blew his whistle, in order to show that
he was ready to offer any needed assistance to the Oneida.

That the reason why he did not stop his engines and offer assistance,
was that the collision had so injured his own ship that he thought best
to make at once for the nearest port.

That he never dreamed that any assistance was wanted, and therefore did
not offer it.

That he would have gone to the assistance of the Oneida had not one of
his lady passengers been so frightened by the collision that she begged
him to make all possible speed to land her.

That not a single one of his passengers knew there had been a collision,
so light was the shock of the contact.

That it was only a Yankee ship, any how, and that it is all "blarsted"
nonsense to make a fuss about it.

Captain EYRE has returned to England, and asks, on the above grounds,
that he be reinstated in command of his ship. It would be absurd to
refuse so just a request. His defence could not well be more full unless
he were to strengthen it with an alibi. If Mr. SOLOMON PELL still
pursues the practice of the law, Captain EYRE should at once employ that
eminent barrister to prove an alibi for him. His justification would
then be too conclusive to admit of question.

* * * * *

CRITICISM OF THE PERIOD.

[AFTER THE MANNER OF THE "NATION."]

Milton's Paradise Lost.--The demand for a new edition of this cumbrous
piece of blank verse, proves what we have often said, that the want, in
CROMWELLS time, of a literary journal of the character of the Nation has
had a permanent effect upon literature. Had we been in existence when
that obstinate and pedantic old Puritan wrote, we might have suppressed
him. Still, there is no knowing what women and children will not read.
While MILTON'S lines certainly measure generally about the same length,
it is preposterous to call by the name of poetry what could be written
in prose with so little modification. It is true that the same objection
might be applied to HOMER and SHAKSPEARE. The former has the advantage
of being written in Greek, so that very few people can read it.
SHAKSPEARE has a popularity that is partly accounted for by the low
taste of the people who have gone to the theatre to hear SIDDONS rave
and GARRICK declaim, or who will persist in admiring MACREADY and BOOTH.

As to MILTON, we have detected, with the aid of foot-notes to an old
edition, a multitude of the most absolute plagiarisms from various
authors. From the Bible mainly, and also from the Greek and Latin poets,
he has taken nearly all his ideas; and every one of the words he uses
are to be found in the dictionary. Talk of originality, after that! His
conceptions also are sometimes absurd; for instance, the Address to
Light. No one, who has not been stultified by theological nebulosities,
ought to fail to know, as we knew when we first began to go to school,
that a blind man cannot see anything at all. Therefore it is an insult
to the understanding, and paltering with all the rational inductions of
modern science, for an educated writer, stone blind, to say a word about
light.

In fact, the whole plot of the poem flies in the face of the cultivation
of the Nineteenth Century. Such ideas as Paradise, Adam and Eve, and
angels, are getting obsolete. While it is not to be expected that
ordinary persons should have the intelligence or learning of the Editor
and contributors of the Nation, we yet wonder that they are not always
ready to abide by the instruction we are prepared to give them, at the
small price of five dollars a year. Subscriptions received at this
office.

* * * * *

INTERIOR ILLUMINATION.

It gives us joy to state that the celebrated Dr. MILIO (of whom we have
never heard before) has invented a means of illuminating men's
interiors. The doctor lives in Russia; and he takes you and throws
inside of you "a concentrated beam of electric light;" and then he sees
exactly what particular pill you want, and he gives it to you, and you
go away (after paying him) exultant! This quite does away with the
necessity of a bow-window in the bosom, so much desired by a certain
ancient philosopher.

Mr. PUNCHINELLO begs leave most respectfully to announce that he has
determined to import, at any expense whatever, one of Dr. MILIO'S
Concentrated Electric Beamers. With this Dr. PUNCHINELLO does not intend
to engage in private practice. His purpose is to throw the light
directly into the Body Politic, whether the B.P. requests him to do it
or not. Dr. P. confidently expects to make some most extraordinary
discoveries of various diseases--of greed, foolish ambition, ossification
of the heart, moral leprosy, chronic stupidity, latent idiocy, and that
very common and often unsuspected complaint usually known as Humbug.
(Humbugna Communis.) His fee in no case will exceed ten cents per week;
and patients WILL BE illuminated by the year.

* * * * *

THE DREADFUL STATE OF THINGS OUT WEST.

A dispatch received at this office from the office of the Chicago
Tribune states that the utmost public distress is prevailing in St.
Louis. A frightful pestilence is raging, complete anarchy prevails, most
of the merchants have gone into insolvency, and ruin stares St. Louis in
the face in the most aggravating way.

A dispatch from the St. Louis Democrat states that the utmost public
distress is prevailing in Chicago. A frightful pestilence is raging,
complete anarchy prevails, most of the merchants have gone into
insolvency, etc., etc.

A dispatch, from the _Cincinnati Gazette_ states that the utmost public
distress is prevailing in both, St. Louis and Chicago. A frightful
pestilence is raging, complete anarchy prevails, most of the merchants
have gone into insolvency, etc., etc., etc.

The most painful part of the matter, in Mr. PUNCHINELLO'S benevolent
eyes, is that each city appears to be perfectly delighted with the
misfortunes and miseries of both the others. Instead of getting up
subscriptions for each other, they chuckle and crow in a perfectly
fiendish manner. Until they can behave better, we shall postpone the
subscription which we propose to open in their behalf.

* * * * *

[Illustration: PERSONAL GOSSIP.
(From the Daily Press.)
"THE WINNER OF A $25,000 PRIZE IN THE HAVANA LOTTERY
IS A BOOT-BLACK OF BROOKLYN."]

* * * * *

A Capital Letter.

The property-holder who Lets his
houses at reduced rents.

* * * * *

[Illustration: A TOUCHING INCIDENT IN CONGRESS.

THE RECONCILIATION BETWEEN GENERAL BUTLER AND GENERAL SCHENCK, ON THE
SUBJECT OF THE TARIFF BILL.]

* * * * *

COLONEL FISK'S SOLILOQUY.

THE NINTH TEMPTATION.

Would I were young enough, to go to school,
Or could but pitch upon some golden rule
For knowing what I am, and what to do,
When to the public gaze I am on view.
I'm Colonel, Admiral, and President,
A theatre manager, and resident
Director of the Opera House, and mine
Are Erie and the Boston steamboat line.
Of merchant, banker, broker, every shade
Am I; in fact, a Jack of every trade.
More varied than the hues of the Chameleon;
Far heavier than Ossa piled on Pelion
Are all my duties! Really it's confusing,
At times, to a degree that's quite amusing.
When am I this, when that, when which, when what?
And am I always FISK, or am I not?
Thus, constantly I get into a fix,
And one thing with another sadly mix;
Many a time absurd mistakes I've made
In giving orders. When I'm on Parade,
And ought to say, "Fours Right," by Jove! I'm certain
To holloa out, "Come, hurry up that curtain!"
Going to Providence the other night,
I ordered all the hands, "Dress to the Right!"
I saw my error, and called out again,
"Hold on! I meant to say, The Ladies' Chain."
At Matinée the other afternoon,
When all the violins seemed well in tune,
I sang out to the Bell Boy, "What's the hitch?
If the Express is due, you'd better switch!"
My order seemed the boy to overwhelm--
"Lubber!" I cried, "why don't you port your helm?"
I made a speech the other night at mess,
And what my toast was, nobody will guess;
It should have been, "The Union"--'twas, "Be cheery,
Boys! the toast we have to drink is--Erie."
The boys laughed loudly, being the right, sort,
And said, "Why, Admiral! you're hard a _port_."
One time, when GOULD and I were on the cars,
I thought th' officials of the train were tars;
Told them to "Coil that rope and clean the scuppers,
And then go down below and get your suppers."
This must be changed, or my good name will suffer,
And folks will say, JIM FISK is but a duffer.
To feel myself a fool and lose my head,
Too, takes the gilding off the gingerbread;
And makes me ask myself the reason why
On earth I have so many fish to fry?
The fact is, what I touch must have a risk
Of failure, or it wouldn't suit JIM FISK,
I'll conquer this, too--keep a secretary
To help me out when I'm in a quandary.
I will not budge! My banner is unfurled,
Proclaiming FISK the Problem of the world.

* * * * *

Query for Lawyers.

If a man throws a huge stone at his wife's head, would he escape
punishment on the plea that he only meant to Rock her to sleep?

* * * * *

A Spring Blossom.

Blossom Rock, in San Francisco Harbor, has just been blown up
with gunpowder. Of course Blossom Rock went "up as a Flower".

* * * * *

Justice in the New Territory.

Whatever lack of law there may be in Alaska, PUNCHINELLO is
quite sure that there is Just-ice enough in that domain to satisfy all
demands.

* * * * *

A Rumor.

It is rumored that the Fenian Organization have offered Mr. FECHTER
the position of Head Centre, in recognition of the merciless manner
in which he mangles the Queen's English.

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE FINANCIAL INQUISITION.

_Grand Inquisitor,_ U. S. GRANT.
_Associate Inquisitors,_ G. S. BOUTWELL, F.E. SPINNER,
JOHN SHERMAN. _Executioner,_ C. DELANO.

ASSOCIATE SHERMAN. "WELL, UNCLE SAM DOES STAND A GOOD DEAL
OF PRESSURE. EXECUTIONER, KEEP PILING THE WEIGHTS ON."]

* * * * *

NOW WE SHALL HAVE IT.

It has always been one of the sorrows of our life that we were prevented
(by business) from being present at the building of the Tower of Babel.
To say nothing of the great knowledge which we should have acquired of
the ancient languages, it would have been jolly to have marked the
foreman of the works swearing at the laborers in Syriac, while they
answered him in Hebrew, Chaldee, and the Chinese tongue. However, as a
next best thing, we shall attend the meeting of the American Woman
Suffrage Association, which will be held in Washington during the next
session of Congress. We have as much regard as any body for the drums of
our ears; but for the sake of a new sensation, we shall be willing to
risk them. We can imagine at this moment, the astounding effect of the
Grand Double Palaver! All the Senators and Representatives are either
barking, or bawling, or screaming, or shouting, or yelling in the
Capitol, while, to complete the elocutionary duet, all the American
women are simultaneously indulging the unruly and unbridled member. What
the precise effect will be we don't profess to say; but we confidently
predict some valuable discovery in the science of acoustics.

* * * * *

FORTY-FOUR TO FOURTEEN.

[IN WHICH THE YOUNG MEN OF THE PERIOD ARE TAKEN IN HAND.]

Forty-four is going to talk (with a pen) to Fourteen. I am a female; and
forty-four, as just hinted, is my age. Fourteen is also a female--just
the age I was once. How I recollect that day! I was full of romance and
hope; now I've no romance, little hope, and some wrinkles. It is a fine
thing to be fourteen. I should like to go back there, and make a long
visit. But that can't be. How much I wish it could! If only there were
life-renewers as well as hair-renewers! They called me pretty at
fourteen--said I had pretty ways, (one of them was one hundred and
thirty-five avoirdupois,) and would certainly be a belle. But I proved
too much for that. One hundred and seventy-five cut off all hope. I
sighed, ate nothing, studied poetry, did a good deal of melancholy by
moonlight and otherwise, but nothing came of it. I made myself as
agreeable as possible; but it was the old story--I was too much for
'em--I mean the young men of the period. I dressed and gave parties. I
took lessons in singing of Sig. Folderol, and in dancing of Mons.
Pigeonwing, and could sing cavatinas and galop galops with the best of
them. Ma said I was an angel, and Pa declared I was perfect. But none of
the young men said so. My dear Fourteen, it may be just so with you.
Your ma and pa may say you are angelic and perfect; but where's the use
of it, if nobody else can be made to see it? I tried my best to catch
the young men in my net. But, provoking things, they wouldn't be caught.
Between ourselves--mind, don't blab it out--young men are the greatest
noodles that were ever put upon the face of the earth. I never yet saw
one that could be depended upon to stand by. I am sure, as you know, no
one ever stood by me--when there was a parson at hand. At fourteen I
didn't much care where they stood, if it wasn't on my corns. Twenty
years later I shouldn't have been so particular. But I don't much mind
now, bless you! _You_ wont at forty-four. There's nothing to these young
men. All talk, pretence, audacity, and paper collar, I assure you. I've
studied all of them. They are the same now as then. Human nature, you
know, my dear Fourteen, is the same yesterday, to-day, and week after
next. I used to think it wasn't; now I know it is. These young
men--monsters that they are--will pour the nectar of compliments over
your face, and the acid and canker of abuse down your back; and all in
the same breath, if they get a chance. Pray have an eye and an ear out
for them. If you go to Long Branch, or Newport, or Saratoga, or the
White Mountains this summer, just look out for them. They are dreadful
creatures at home in the cities, but doubly dreadful at these resorts.
You are young, simple, unsophisticated. I was at your age. But I soon
got over such weaknesses. You must very soon, or be a ninny. "Simple,"
"artless," "unsophisticated," and such terms mean simply softness.
Whatever else you are, or are not, don't be soft. The mistake of my
fruitless life has been that I believed, in other years, all that was
told me by the other sex. They said to my face that I was a beauty; at
Mr. Jones's, they said I was a fright. They said I sang like a Patti; at
Brown's, I screeched like an owl. They said I danced like Terpsichore;
at Smith's, they declared I wabbled round like any other lame duck. They
said my taste in dress was the pink of perfection; at the Duzenbury's, I
was scandalously deficient in every thing of the sort. It's a way the
young men of that day had with all the girls; and they go the same vile
way now. Pray don't have any thing to do with them. I don't, and I
wouldn't for the world. Folks say I'm prejudiced against em; but it
isn't so--I hate 'em. It is healthy to hate what is hateful. It is
healthy to hate a bundle of broadcloth, kerseymere, buttons, and brass,
and it's my delight by day and dream by night. I'm forty-four--you're
fourteen. I've seen the world--you haven't. You look through rosy
glasses; I through the clear, naked eye. My advice to you on the young
men question is this: Discount nine words in every ten spoken to you as
absolute trash--the gush of mere evaporative sentiment. If you are
called pretty, graceful, accomplished, neat in dress, comely in person,
that your eyes sparkle like diamonds, and your lips are poetic, with
whole volumes of such, just make up your mind that there are plenty of
fools around trying to make a sillier one than themselves. It may seem
very fine for the moment, but it will realize something very different
afterward. Suppose you are _not_ caught up? All the better. I'm
forty-four, independent, free, a slave to no man nor monkey. Better
live, to write your own tale than be the abject one to another. Better
be forty-four and yourself, than a cipher belonging to some body else.
Far better beware of the young men than be worn by them. At least so
thinks and says

FORTY-FOUR.

* * * * *

A NEW RAILWAY PROJECT.

While every one agrees that a railway running through the city of
New-York, and transporting passengers with rapidity from one end of the
island to the other, is an absolute necessity, no one has yet hit upon a
plan which satisfies the public. The Society for the Prevention of
Cruelty to Animals objects to the Elevated Road, on the ground (though
it is in the air) that the cars will continually run off the track, and,
falling on the horses and dogs in the street below, crush them to a
fatal jelly. The Arcade plan is objectionable to the shop-keepers,
inasmuch as it will change the great thoroughfare into a street
consisting exclusively of cellars, thereby driving the buyers elsewhere.
Conservative people, who like old things, naturally dislike the
Pneumatic Railway, and vehemently assert that "they'll be blowed if they
travel over it," which will undoubtedly prove to be true. Evidently a
new plan must be devised if every body is to be satisfied. That plan
PUNCHINELLO rather flatters himself that he has invented.

It does not seem to have yet occurred to any one that we are not
necessarily shut up to the single plan of fitting a railway to the city.
Why can we not fit the city to the railway? Every body remembers that
when the Mountain wouldn't come to MOHAMED, that eminent preacher went
to the mountain. Here we have a precedent worth following, To build any
sort of railway in New-York will take time and money. Why, then, should
we do it when there are plenty of nice railways already built in every
part of the country? There is a very nice railway completed and in
running order from Pokertown, in Montana territory, to Euchrebend, just
across the line in Idaho. All we have to do is to box up our buildings,
together with the Central Park, the sewers, the docks, and the Tammany
Hall General Committee, and express them through to Pokertown. The city
can then be set up on each side of the Pokertown and Euchrebend Railway,
and then we shall have the desired state of things--a railway running
through the heart of our city. This plan is both novel and easy. At all
events it is easy of execution in comparison with the Arcade plan, and
it presents no features to which any one can reasonably object. Drawings
of the city as it will appear when this plan has been carried out are
now in process of publication, and will soon be for sale at this office.
(N. B.--Shares in the Pokertown and Euchrebend Railway, and lost along
the route of that admirable road, also for sale on application to the
gentleman whose able pen presents this scheme to our readers.)

* * * * *

"Curses Come Home," etc.

The gay young men of New-York are said to be terribly addicted to the
use of _absinthe_. They pick up the vice in Paris, and hence arises the
singular paradox that, even after they return home, they still continue
to be Absinthees.

* * * * *

A Logical Sequence.

Paper made from wood cannot be claimed as a modern invention, for Log
books, as every body knows, have been used by mariners since ever so
long ago.

* * * * *

[Illustration: MODERN MATRIMONY.

_Young Wife._ "YES, DEAR, MY HUSBAND IS ALL I COULD WISH HIM TO BE."

_Husband (who is making bread in the back room)._ "I WISH I COULD SAY AS
MUCH FOR HER."]

* * * * *

ABOUT A BLOCK.

A "COUNTRYMAN" writes to us, asking whether the extension of "Murderer's
Block" is among the current city improvements, He says that, on recently
visiting this city, he had great difficulty in determining the exact
locality of the sanctuary in question. Some said it was in the Eighth
Ward; others located it in the Seventeenth. A policeman in East Houston
street, in reply to the query, "Which is Murderer's Block?" waved his
hand with a gesture indicative of unlimited space, and said, "You are on
it." Not pleased with the impeaching tone of this reply, our informant
made his way to another ward, where he put the same question to the
first policeman who came along. Without giving him a direct reply, the
officer winked, shifted his quid of tobacco so as to display his Check
to full advantage, and pointed with his thumb over his shoulder at
indefinite city "slums" behind him. Let the "Countryman" understand
that, as things are at present, he may stand almost any where in the
city and be within a marble-shot of "Murderer's Block." Perhaps
Superintendent JOURDAN is quite aware of this.

* * * * *

Neptunian.

Is it correct to speak of the waters of
the Black Sea as the colored element?

* * * * *

SONG OF THE RETURNED SOLDIER.

[WITH REMARKS BY PUNCHINELLO.]

I'll hang my harp on the willow-tree,

_(And that's a very sensible thing for him to do. A hand-organ is what
he wants now.)_

And I'll off to the wars again;

_(Not much. A fellow with only one leg, and perhaps but half the
regulation number of arms, is not wanted in the ranks.)_

My peaceful home has no charms for me,

_(Of course not. He gave up his home and business to go to the wars, and
he can't expect to have all these things when he comes back again, you
know.)_

The battle-field no pain.

_(A great many other fellows besides him found the battle-field no
payin' place.)_

The country I love stands up in her pride,

_(That's so. He's right this time.)_

With a diadem on her brow;

_(Referring probably to what SUMNER calls the "dire Democracy.")_

Oh! why did she flatter my boyish pride?

_(Because she wanted men; that's all.)_

She is going to leave me now!

_(By no means. He can play his organ on the corner as long as he wants
to.)_

She took me away from my child and wife,

_(That was all right enough. He couldn't take his wife and child into
camp.)_

And gave me a shoddy suit;

_(Entirely the fault of the contractors.)_

I quite forgot my good old life,

_(That was perfectly proper. People in camp have to forget that sort of
thing.)_

While they taught me to march and shoot.

_(Good lessons; worth learning.)_

She seemed to think me above the men

_(Made him corporal, most probably.)_

Who staid at their homes, you see;

_(And if he fought on principle he was above most of them.)_

Oh, had I jumped the bounty then,

_(Horrible idea!)_

It would have been better for me.

_(That's not so certain. To be sure, in that case he might have got a
good office in some of the Departments, or been made a Consul, but why
should he complain? He has a first-rate organ, and nobody hinders him
from sitting on the corner and grinding it the livelong day, if it
pleases him. And then there's the honor! His country may not think about
it, nor the people who give him pennies, but if he feels it himself,
what more need he want? How ridiculous it is for some persons to
insinuate that a rich and powerful people, who can grant hundreds of
thousands of dollars to railroad companies, and North Pole expeditions,
ought to be ashamed to see their disabled soldiers begging on the
corners! Absurd beyond comparison!)_

* * * * *

NO GHOST AFTER ALL.

MR. PUNCHINELLO, having been often scared out of his senses (which are
usually very good and trustworthy senses,) by double tattoos on his
library table, and also by the eccentric movements of the table itself,
is happy to announce that, after all, there is nothing in it. There is a
Dr. HAMMOND who has sent all necessary explanations to the _North
American Review_. We do not understand them at all, but they are highly
soothing and satisfactory. It seems that Mr. P. (in common with less
distinguished characters) has "a gray tissue." This does not refer to
his coat, but to something inside of him which renders him the nervous
creature that he is. Well, not to make too scientific a matter of it, it
appears that our "gray tissue" operates upon our "spinal cord," and
raises the old boy (if we may be allowed the expression) with our
brains; and this, in some way, but really we do not exactly see how,
produces the raps, and leads us to suppose that we are hearing (dear old
lady!) from our grandmother. It is astonishing how simple these
mysterious matters appear after a scientific explanation.

* * * * *

THE DOG-BREAKER'S DIFFICULTY.

[Illustration: THE DOG'S HEAD IS VERY GOOD FOR A POINTER, BUT THE
CONFOUNDED TAIL _will_ CURL.

A PLAN IS DEVISED FOR STRAIGHTENING IT.

RESULT.]

* * * * *

Philological Query.

Is the following sentence, which Mr. PUNCHINELLO finds in that
respectable paper, the _Boston Advertiser_, to be considered as English
or Latin?

"The constitutio de fide has been adopted by the Ecumenical Council,
nemine contradicente."

* * * * *

Absurd to Ask It.

The Belgians propose to drop the letter "h" from the French language. In
France itself the proposition is received wrathfully, and it is no
wonder, when we remember that Perfidious Albion has been the great
dropper of "h" from time immemorial.

* * * * *

A Place Appropriately Named.

SIGH-BERIA

* * * * *

FISCALITIES.

Let no one read this title--rascalities. Fiscalities are very different
things. (_That is to say, out of Wall street_.) PUNCHINELLO always had a
strong liking for fiscal subjects, and even now he would be glad to
write a fiscal history of the United States, provided he was furnished
with specimens of all the various coins, bank-notes, greenbacks, bonds,
and such mediums of exchange that have been in circulation from colonial
times until now. (_That is to say, he'd like very much to have the coins
and things, but if any one takes up this offer, and wants to keep his
coins, a money-order for a corresponding amount, or ordinary bills, in a
registered letter, will be entirely satisfactory_.) But as he can not
write a book this week, he desires to draw the attention of his readers
to the fact that fiscal expansion ought to be the great end of man.
(_That is to say, it often is, but in a different way from what
_PUNCHINELLO _means_.) For instance, look at Colonel FISK, of the
glorious Ninth! Had not his vigorous intellect been closely applied to
the great questions of fiscal economy, is it likely that the steady
expansion of his corporeal being would have given such a weight to his
wisely-planned movements? (_That is to say, if he hadn't got rich he
wouldn't have got so fat, and then buildings would not tremble when he
drills_.) A man who is perfectly proportioned in a fiscal point of view,
can call himself a monarch of the world. The elements will own they are
his servants, and the seasons will mould themselves to suit his will.
(_That is to say, he can have one hundred and fifty fine young women to
dance the Devil's Torchlight Cotillion in his own theatre, and he can sit
there, if he wants to, all alone and look at them just as long as he
pleases; and not one of them dare stop till he's ready_.) Space bows
before such a man, and shrivels itself up into a mere nothing. Land and
water are alike to such a one. It matters not to him whether the waves
roll beneath his possessions, or the solid ground upholds them.

ST. CECILIA sits at the feet of this great exponent of fiscal expansion,
and TUBAL CAIN dwells serenely in his court-yards. (_That is to say,
just wait until you hear his new brass band!_) Now, who would not be as
this financial monarch? Who would not say: "I, too, can do these
things?" (_That is to say, which of us would not gladly take every cent
the good FISK possesses, and let him beg his bread from door to door, if
we only got a decent chance?_) If it were not for such shining examples
of the power of wealth and the glories that it is capable of placing
before our eyes, the souls of ordinary men would much less frequently be
moved to extraordinary effort in the line of pecuniary progress. (_That
is to say, if old_ FISK _did not change the ballet in his Twelve
Temptations so often, and did not keep on getting new dancers, and
dressing them all up different every week or two, we would not have to
raise a dollar and half so frequently to go and see the confounded
thing_.) But it is of no use to try and calculate the vast advantage of
Fiscal expansion. Even with a WEBB'S Adder, PUNCHINELLO could not do the
sum, and it's pretty certain that it would make WEBB Sadder, if he tried
it. Among other things, a man of fiscal solidity is never unprepared for
emergencies, and, if necessary, he can resort to extremities of which
ordinary people would never dream. (_That is to say, have you seen_
FISK'S _last legs?_) Therefore, it becomes us all to endeavor to have a
share in the prosperity of which we see such a shining example, (_that
is to say_, PUNCHINELLO _does not mean for us all to go buy stock in
Erie_,) and mayhap, even the humblest of us may, in time, be able to
whistle "Shoo Fly" in marble halls. (_That is to say, even a poor ostler
may get along very well if he attentively and industriously waters his
stock_.)

* * * * *

Interesting to Mr. Bergh.

"Dog's-Ear" shirt-collars (the ones that stick up and are doubled down
at the points,) are coming into fashion.

Says young SOLOMONS, the other day, "I want something new in collars; I
shall cut my Dog's-ears." And he went and did it; which is decidedly
interesting to Mr. BERGH.

* * * * *

An Interesting Patient.

New-Haven enjoys an elephant that has corns, and is about to be operated
on by a chiropodist. There is a largeness, approaching to sublimity, in
the idea of an elephant with corns, though it naturally suggests the
query, "What Boots it?"

* * * * *

A Dogged Problem.

If Sir WALTER SCOTT'S dog was worth--say--ten "pounds," what was his
Kenilworth?

* * * * *

CONDENSED CONGRESS.

SENATE.

The gentle CHANDLER is occasionally goaded to rage and rhetoric by
perfidious Albion. The other day he had one of these deliriums. In the
language of the bard.

He shook his fists and he tore his hair
Till they really felt afraid;
For they couldn't help thinking
the man had been drinking.

He wanted to annex the Winnipeg district. It was true that the Winnipeg
district was an unmitigated nuisance to England; and probably it would
prove an unmitigated nuisance to us if we annexed it. But it would make
Great Britain mad. The dearest object of his life was to madden Great
Britain. What was Great Britain? What business had she on this
continent? None but the right of conquest. It occurred to him that that
was all we had ourselves; but that made no difference. His motto was,
Great Britain _est_ Carthago, or _delenda_ must be destroyed, or
something of that sort--he forgot exactly what. He knew we could whip
Great Britain, and he wanted to fight her. That is, he wanted some body
else to fight her. It would be the proudest moment of his life to serve,
exclusively as a sutler, in the grand American army which should go
forth to smash Great Britain. Queen VICTORIA was only a woman. Therefore
he would fight her single-handed. Let her come on. Let her son, who was
a snob, come on. Let Mr. THORNTON come on. Let every body come on. He
defied every body. He expectorated upon every body. (Mr. CHANDLER by
this time became so earnest that seven Senators were constrained to wait
upon him, but it produced no sedative effect.) Mr. CHANDLER kept on in
this manner until he had challenged the population of the planet to
single combat, and then subsided, and ordered five hundred copies of the
morrow's _Globe_ to send to various potentates and constituents.

Mr. DRAKE said of course no body minded CHANDLER. But there were some
glimmerings of sense in CHANDLER, and he thought the Winnipeg war would
be a good thing. Perhaps CHANDLER might be induced to go out there,
which would make it pleasant for the Senate. Mr. SUMNER said he was
disgusted, not with CHANDLER'S principles, which were excellent, but
with his quotation, which was incorrect. He considered correct quotation
far more important than correct principles. Every school-boy knew that
_delenda est Carthago_ was what Mr. CHANDLER attempted to cite. To be
sure Mr. CHANDLER was not every school-boy. (Cheers for every
School-boy.) Mr. SUMNER took advantage of this occasion to relate
several incidents of the life of HANNIBAL, and closed with a protest
against the accursed spirit of caste. In support of this view he sent to
the clerk's desk, and had read a few chapters from KANT'S Critique of
Pure Reason.

HOUSE.

Schenck scatters members to flight whenever he introduces his tariff
bill. This disgusts SCHENCK, and he has been trying to bring back the
erring Representatives by the use of the Sergeant-at-Arms and fines. The
House has lately amused itself by listening to excuses.

Mr. BUTLER'S name was called. Mr. BUTLER was not there. Mr. SCHENCK
proposed to fine him.

Mr. COX objected. Why, he said, should the sweet boon of BUTLER'S
absence rouse the anger of SCHENCK. He would suggest an amendment that
BUTLER be fined when present and blessed when away. The less they had of
BUTLER the better.

Mr. AMES was making money, and therefore he could not come.

Mr. DAVIS was prosecuting MCFARLAND, which he considered better fun than
discussing the tariff.

Mr. FITCH had gone to take a bath. Mr. LOGAN said that was ridiculous.
He himself had never found it necessary to absent himself on such a
ground. No representative of the people ought to take a bath.

He was sorry to see this tendency to aristocracy on the part of members.
West Point and the bath-tub were undermining our institutions.

Mr. POLAND said that he had been to call on a clergyman. Mr. LOGAN said
that was worse if possible than the bath. He much preferred immersion to
sprinkling.

Mr. SWEENEY (who is Mr. SWEENEY?) had been superintending the birth of
an infant SWEENEY. Mr. KELLEY said a man who would basely look after his
young when the fate of pig-iron was trembling in the balance, was
unworthy to represent American freemen. What was the interesting
situation of any individual, male or female, compared to the interesting
situation of "fish-plates." The same fiendish spirit that animated the
Confederate armies was still alive. But it now found expression in vile
and insidious attacks upon the "scrap-iron" which was the pride of every
true American heart. He did not hesitate to say that the man who would
vote against an increase of 7000 per cent, _ad valorem_, upon railway
iron would, if his cowardly soul would let him, have aimed the pistol of
the assassin at the late Mr. LINCOLN.

Mr. LOGAN said there was no occasion for Mr. KELLEY to say any thing
about any man from Illinois. He, LOGAN, could take care of that State
without KELLEY'S assistance. He had observed with grief and shame that
KELLEY had made several more speeches this session than he (LOGAN) had.
He did not intend to suffer this in future.

Mr. KELLEY said he voted for his constituents, who were ironmongers; but
ho spoke, in an iron-ical way, for the whole country. He meant to speak
early and speak often.

Mr. SCHENCK upheld the income-tax. He said it bore very lightly on
Congressmen, for none but honest men were compelled to pay it.

* * * * *

OUR LITERARY LEGATE.

Minister MOTLEY is a gentleman, a scholar, and, though last not least,
as genial a diner and winer as ever put American legs under a British
peer's mahogany. There was a time when he was for avenging British
outrage by whipping John Bull out of his boots, but now, clad in a
dress-coat of unexceptionable cut, he deprecates the idea of
international breaches. As a diplomatist he could scarcely show more
indifference to the Alabama claim, if the claim itself were All a Bam.
He roars for recompense more gently than a sucking dove. When he
presented our little bill a _grand coup_ was expected, but the
trans-atlantic turtle seems to have shut him up. Listening to
compliments on the "Dutch Republic" he forgets his own, and renders but
a Flemish account to his country. Not content with following the festive
footsteps of his illustrious predecessor, REVERDY, he has made new
tracks to every hospitable nobleman's door. The scented soft-soap of
adulation is his "particular vanity," and under its soothing influence
he seems to be washing his hands of his official responsibilities. In
point of fact, MOTLEY has deserted his colors, and, as a diplomat, is by
no means up to the American Standard. As it is clear he cannot maintain
the _prestige_ of the Star Spangled Banner abroad, we call upon the
Government to give him Hail Columbia, and order him home.

* * * * *

CONS BY A WRECKER.

Where are women wrecked? Off the Silly Islands.
Where are men wrecked? Some off Port, some Half Seas over,
some off the Horn, or wherever they Chews.
Where are rogues wrecked? In the Dock.
Where are brokers wrecked? On the Breakers.
Where are children wrecked? Some in Babycome Bay, and some on the
Coral Islands.
Where are bad musicians wrecked? On the Sound.
Where are would-be sharpers wrecked? On the Mighty Deep.

* * * * *

BOOK NOTICES.

IN SPAIN AND A VISIT TO PORTUGAL. By HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN. New-York:
HURD & HOUGHTON.

A good summer book of nearly three hundred pages. As usual, ANDERSEN is
not abstruse in his way of putting things. His narrative is adapted
alike for the juvenile mind and for the adult. There is no periphrasis
in it. One understands his meaning at a glance; therefore the book
should be a very popular one when summer time sets in, and people look
for some quiet _délassement_ which will not compel them to think.

+--------------------------------------------------------------+
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| We offer the following Elegant Premiums for new Subscribers |
| to |
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| "Awakening." (A Litter of Puppies.) Half Chromo, size, 8-3/8 |
| by 11-1/8, price $2.00, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO for one |
| year, for $4.00. |
| |
| "Wild Roses." Chromo, 12-1/8 by 9, price $3.00, or any other |
| $3.00 Chromo, and a copy of the paper for one year for |
| $5.00. |
| |
| "The Baby in Trouble." Chromo, 13 by 16-1/4, price $6.00 or |
| any other at $6.00, or any two Chromos at $3.00, and a copy |
| of the paper for one year, for $6.00. |
| |
| "Sunset,--California Scenery," after A. Bierstadt, 18-1/8 by |
| 12, price $10.00, or any other $10.00 Chromo, and a copy of |
| the paper for one year for $10.00. Or the four Chromos, and |
| four copies of the paper for one year in one order, for |
| clubs of FOUR, for $23.00. |
| |
| We will send to any one a printed list of L. PRANG & CO.'S |
| Chromos, from which a selection can be made, if the above is |
| not satisfactory, and are prepared to make special terms for |
| clubs to any amount, and to agents. |
| |
| Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, |
| twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter in advance; |
| the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of money. |
| |
| Remittances should be made in P. O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank |
| Checks on New-York, or Registered letters. The paper will be |
| sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not |
| otherwise ordered. |
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| Now is the time to subscribe, as these Premiums will be |
| offered for a limited time only. On receipt of a |
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| desiring to get up a club. |
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| Address |
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| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., |
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| P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York. |
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+--------------------------------------------------------------+

[Illustration: POLICE POLICY.

_Policeman._ "THAT'S HIM: OVER THERE PICKING THE OLD GENTLEMAN'S
POCKET."

_Green Youth._ "THEN WHY DON'T YOU ARREST HIM?"

_Policeman._ "WELL, IT MIGHT MAKE HIM FEEL UGLY TOWARDS ME, I
LIKE A QUIET LIFE."]

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| Commences on the first of every month |
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| HENRY SMITH, _President_. |
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+--------------------------------------------------------------+

PUNCHINELLO:

TERMS TO CLUBS.

WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS

FIRST:

DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER,

The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning
purposes.

SECOND:

BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES.

These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful;
and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind
of crochet or fancy work upon them.

THIRD:

BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER.

This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits
every thing.

FOURTH:

AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE.

This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on
all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and
Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole
parts, etc., price, $60.

WE WILL SEND THE

Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16.
No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16.
" 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24.
" 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, 30, " 12 " " 48.
" 2 " " 84 needles, 33, " 13 " " 52.
No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, 37, for 15 subscribers and $60.
" 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52.
1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64.
1 100 needles

No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine,
price, $75, for 30 subscribers and $120.

No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine,
without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100.

Descriptive Circulars

Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.

Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct
seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers
and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send
single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission.

Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts
on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered
Letters, which any post-master will furnish.

Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only
will be credited.

Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent
error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and
State.

The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable
quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in
the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to
subscription.

All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
P.O. Box 2783.

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY

No. 83 Nassau Street,

NEW-YORK

* * * * *

S. W. GREEN. PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS.

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